Child minding

My little 4 year old grandson lives with me ( along with his mum). I am never thanked for the endless hours I care for him whilst she works, studies and frequently has time to socialise and enjoy herself (something I rarely get time to do nowadays). DD has said repeatedly that I should want to look after him all the time. I adore my DGS but I have spent 25 years caring for my own children and now I am expected to look after him extensively. I hate it that our kids often see it as their right to unpaid, often unappreciated childcare.
Your son is treating you disgracefully. He would have to pay a lot of money for the hours of childcare that he receives from you.
Whilst you were perfectly entitled to say what you said, perhaps it came out wrong. Try talking to him, telling him that whilst you love looking after the GC you do need some free time for yourself and that from such a date (give them a bit of notice to find alternative chidcare) you are not going to be able to have the children on whichever days or times you feel that you want your own free time. It's called emotional manipulation on their part and is bloody unfair. You must look after yourself and your own needs. From my personal experience they take and take and the more we give the more they expect.

Your son needs to grow up, you are doing a huge amount for his children. He should realise that and appreciate you. ?

My two sons and their families live too far away for me to be of use to them. On odd occasions I have helped out for a day or two, but both pairs of GC went to nursery and came to no harm whatsoever. Their parents all worked to earn the money to pay for child care and, in the process, sacrificed the opportunities for exotic holidays. If my family and many other families can do this, why is it that sons and DiLs can behave like the OP's and not take responsibility for their own children? tinytot, you are not even being treated as a servant; you are being treated like a slave.

Its so hard tho... one of the children went thru an eating problem and would only use a particular piece of cutlery and twice now that g/c picked up a different piece and ate at my house..i didnt interupt the eating as he was just getting on with it. My son and dil have said i put my g/c life at risk and that i wont listen...i didnt interupt him eating because i didnt want to make an issue of his eating and thought he is coping so i wont interupt but will watch him carefully and he was fine..but it appears that because hes done that twice at my house, that im not a fit person to see them anymore. Im hesrtbroken.Theyre telling me i wont have them while son and wife go out or work etc yet theyre saying im not fit to have them...im sorry folks . I really do appreciate your support xx

How disgustingly selfish of your son. Looking after two little ones for that many hours a week is unacceptable. I look after two of my DGD for two days a week. My so has put his holidays by to relieve me as and when. If I need a break. A holiday or am unwell. I would tell him exactly where to get off. Unbelievable. I am shocked that a son could expect this. They are his children. They shouldn't have had them if not prepared to look after them. Grrrrr.

What on earth do they mean by you putting his life at risk by letting him eat uninterrupted , have I read that wrong? . They are being so cruel . Do you think that they were annoyed because he is relaxed enough at your house to eat normally ? I know it is hard but the best thing you could do is to get on with your life and take some time for yourself , resist the urge to contact them as I would think this is what they are banking on . It is emotional blackmail of the nastiest kind , designed to cause as much hurt as possible ... don`t play their games .

Really feel for you. I am a grandmother but also work 36 hours a week in childcare and it is exhausting. Sounds like they are jealous of your social life and want you to be sat at home pining for their children. Do not do that, do not ring them or be available actually ignore contact with them for a while and enjoy your life when they see it does not faze you, they will think a bit differently especially as childcare will cost them dearly. Makes my blood boil when I hear this, believe me I have seen this done to my own mother with my brother and his wife, no matter what she done she never got any thanks.

I agree wholeheartedly with the last posters. They need you more than you need them and you're doing them a favour. A very big favour. (Unless of course you forced them to have a child!)

It seems increasingly common that grown children are expecting their parents, who should be relaxing into retirement, to take the burden of raising grandchildren - and it is a burden when it becomes a full time, usually unpaid, job. Using emotional blackmail is selfish and manipulative - even when I suspect the DC don't realise they're doing it.

I looked after my 4 year old grandson when he was 3 years old 4 times every week for 9 months when my daughter in law stood in for her manager at work who was on maternity leave. Both my son and daughter in law realised that if not for me they would not be able to work. My grandson is now at school but they had another child early this year and I'm sure I will be looking after him when their shifts coincide, that's fine, I would rather look after him than have someone I didn't know caring for him. If they started to act as if it is my job to look after our grandchildren I would stop doing it.

How did you put your g/c at risk because he used a diff piece of cutlery dosent make sense.

Gosh.. just ..gosh...

I'm catching up on threads since I have been away and this one has me feeling wretched.

I can't believe how rude some folk's children are towards them when they are helping those children out.

Sorry but if this were me, I would be telling them to sod off until they learn how to behave.

These little children are watching and absorbing their parents behavior towards you tinytoxs2, and if you are not careful enough, they will start being rude to you as well, and then what will you do?

Cut the beggars off until they stop being so damned rude.

Dear Tinytotx2

Your son and DiL's behaviour is not normal. You say it started when the children were born. DiL may have come from a very controlling family where child development is not understood and children are expected to do what they are told and also their grandparents.

From what you have written it is difficult to make sense of why they act as they do as it is so unreasonable. They may be under an enormous stress due to debt, poor housing, insecure jobs etc.

The first action to take with any bullying behaviour is to be quite firm about who you are an what you are able to offer.

Your health does come first so I would book a pilates class or what ever and say that you you can only help out with the grand children on the other 4 days etc. If they question this, you may even say your GP has advised you to go to classes for your health etc. And that's it no further explanation and no apologies.

I expect they are a bit envious of you as you have time and probably a friendly well loved house. You have earned this so do not throw it away. Protect yourself.

You also need to think about how they take holidays without telling you when you have set time aside to look after the grandchildren. And there is the issue of the eating pattern.

Perhaps yous should keep a diary and try to start to understand what you think is going on.

This will be very helpful if later you decide to get expert advice.

All the best.

Reading this post has made me incensed! How dare your son and DIL behave so disrespectfully to you! I have done a lot of childcare for DDs over the years but have never been treated like that. They have always been grateful.

If they use childcare they will soon discover that the childminder/nursery has strict boundaries as far as pickups and holidays go. And they will also discover that emotional blackmail is not a possibility.

Childminders and nurseries don't do overnights either!!

Hold back, don't beg and I'll bet they come crawling back looking for help. If/when that happens, you need to negotiate some ground rules.

My advice would be to it sit it out, and wait and see, get on with enjoying your own life. Similar thing happened to me when I was unable to care for my disabled grandchild anymore. Unfortunately, it took a couple of years before I received anything near an apology. the best thing is the grandchildren never forgot me and were with the cuddles as if I'd never been away

Crikey. I thought I was burdened after looking after my nine month old g/s for ten hours, every other week.
The only reason I'm not willing to do more is that it absolutely knackers me out and I feel,so tired that I feel,I'll.

How you manage with all,you do, I just don't know.

I think you will have to be assertive with them. They are clearly being unkind and bullying.

I wouldn't put up with it, personally.

My grandson has not eaten solids since birth due to scarring in his throat but eats baby food and blended food. My son and dil were implying that by allowing him to use a baby spoon that the amount on the spoon couldve made him cough and think hes choking and that could set him back and stop him eating by himself. I fully understand that but he knows when theres too much on a spoon for him to cope with and he will take some off..which is why i discreetly watched him when he picked up the other spoon...that is why theyre saying ive risked his life. I understand what they mean but theyre not understanding that if he wasnt happy with that spoon he wouldnt have used it and wouldve asked for his spoon. I feel terrible about them saying i put his life at risk. I am a trained first aider should anything have happened. Im so upset because i love my G/C so much. Ive never interfered on their upbringing. They are very good parents aside from this. They work, have good jobs etc. Its me and i dont know why all they say is i dont listen..They make it hard not to listen.
Thankyou everyone, i am trying to take on board your advice xxx

Well I think you are quite right about the eating. Presumably they don't intend him to sip baby food for the rest of his life and I'm sure drawing attention to to how he is eating wouldn't help him.

If they both have good jobs why don't they just pay for child care? They are getting to school age so a good nursery would be a step forward for them. Or are the parents afraid that they couldn't order nursery staff about like they do you?

Have you got a sympathetic GP who would agree that you are suffering from stress and must drastically cut back on the hours you are spending with your grandchildren?

Meant to add it's NOT you it's THEM.

Hi im not looking after them anymore because im not allowed to see them anymore. Xx

As hard as it is for you now, just sit it out try and occupy yourself with friends and other activities. Do not contact them as they will be expecting you to do so. You will find they will contact you first with some excuse. Sorry if I also sound controlling dont mean to be, if you dont look after yourself they def wont. Take care x

That is sad Tinytotx2 , I feel for you. Think you must look at the issues in the longer term. This may give you all some breathing space and time to reflect. Maybe you could meet up without the children and get to the bottom of things. Your son's behaviour is irrational and very hurtful, you are not at fault he must take responsibility for his life and family.
Rest and de stress for a while before any action.

This is such a sad post and all advice given is good. I think when someone bullies you like that, and make no mistake that is what they're doing you have to draw a line in the sand. I would let them know that you're very unhappy not to see the children and are willing to look after them on ....and give them a couple of days or whatever suits you. I would remind him that you are his mother and you want to be treated as such and you raised him and he's still alive. Then I would just leave it a while ,fill your days, don't stay at home waiting for him to call. You can keep a diary for the GC telling them what your doing and how you miss them everyday. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground to get the respect you deserve. I really hope things change for you,maybe when they have to actually pay for childcare they'll realize what they have. You can't go through life being treated like a doormat, life is too short for that.

Can anyone help with my Houdini grandchild! My 21 month grandaughter escapes from the car seat . We have tried everything we can think of! Apart from having an excellent car seat we have bought an extra device to make it even more secure. She got out of it this morning while my daughter was on the M25!
Has anyone out there had this problem and found a solution? I would be very grateful for any advice.

I disagree that they are 'good parents' As others have said they are setting a terrible example to the children. If necessary you can go through the courts so that your grandchildren gain the right to have contact with you. Especially since you have been such a constant in their lives. You have no rights but they do. I think it's a form C2

So sorry to hear your story Tiny. I look after my granddaughter, now aged 11 in the school holidays and have looked after her two days a week since she was 6 months old, even when my husband and I worked full time. We did this out of love and do not feel taken for granted, my son and his wife constantly thank us and say how grateful they are, we have her two days 7.30am - 5.30pm and two days 7.70am -2pm. I would not be able to look after 2 gc for the hours that you are expected to do. I do not think it's a grandparents responsibility to provide free childcare .I think your son and his wife are treating you very badly