Daughter's new rules

Sounds a big change and difficult for everyone to adjust. I wonder are you concerned that the new BF might be too authoritative? It sounds like very different attitudes are coming into play. I can understand your concerns, your grandson has a lot to cope with, after 10 years on his own with his Mum the exclusion of the holiday must be so difficult. On the other hand I can understand your daughter wanting time alone with her BF and him wanting time with her. She has assumed you will continue to do what you have always done and care for your grandson when needed. The new rules are of course another problem. There was a thread not too long ago about the same issue, worth having a look. I don't envy you this situation, it sounds as if your relationship with both your daughter and grandson is changing and perhaps feels out of your control. It might help if you can remain calm about things and have a quiet conversation to better understand their thinking and be able to make clear that being asked is nicer than assuming and will avoid disappointment if you can't do something because of other commitments. I think probably hasten slowly, your grandson will need your support and your daughter too as you all settle into a fairly major transition. It's important that you all maintain a good relationship but I suspect it will be hard work for a bit. Good luck, I hope things work out for you all.

Oh dear, sounds like the boyfriend is making his mark. Your daughter is probably enjoying being cared for after a difficult time in her life. Control often comes across as caring. Think as corner gran said perhaps have a quiet conversation without appearing critical. I think you could say that as you are helping out you have some of your own rules, compromise seems to be the order of the day. Things may well settle down after the first flush.

Tread very carefully, this could be an absolute minefield. These are big changes in your grandson's life and he probably won't like them all, so he will need your support. You will need to keep on good terms with the boyfriend so that you can give this support. The new rules sound very "New Broom", it depends whether he gradually relaxes a bit and lets life slide back to normal, or whether he starts to be more and more controlling of both your daughter and grandson. I think you will have to keep a low profile and keep an eye on how things are going. And do find some fun things to do while they are off on their holiday

This rings all sorts of alarm bells for me. This boyfriend sounds very controlling. Watch the situation carefully

Is the 'no tablet or phone' a total thing or just the one night he is with you? If it is all the time it sounds very odd to me. Children use computers/ tablets at school on a regular basis and I would think all his friends have access to one. I could understand limited time on it but none at all sounds very strict and if anything counter productive. Some use of games etc has been found to be good and develops a variety of skills. Does you DGS just play games on it or access the Internet?
You are in a difficult position here - I would be inclined to see if your DGS talks about it to you when he comes on Wed. Have you got some interesting books he could read or does he go to a library (although I know many of these are unfortunately closing).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do and enjoy all the time you have with DGS - I loved looking after my DGC.

I hope his name isn't Rob Titchener.
Seriously it should be possible in the summer holidays to find lots of fun things to do which will tick the "worthy" boxes, depending where you live. Nature rambles, story time at the library, a bit of arts and crafts, an adventure playground , a "project " perhaps involving grandpa, a trip to a zoo/museum/animal sanctuary/cinema.
As for the Wednesday night, 1hour of TV is probably enough as he has school the next day.
I agree it sounds a bit heavy, but try to look on the positive side and see it as a creative challenge (!)

It is one thing to obey the rules on Wednesday but another to do so for 9 days when they are away, as you will have tvo put in more effort to keep your grandson occupied. It can be fun for a short while, playing cards, doing jigsaws, etc, but for 9 days could prove tiring. Maybe you can negotiate better terms for the holiday period.

I would invite them all over for Sunday lunch etc so that you can get to know this man. Although you risk losing all contact if you interfere, at least you might see what's coming and be prepared.

Hmm, I really don't like the sound of this........

Tell her she can enforce the new rules when she takes him with them on holiday .... that was my first reaction but as some of us Grans seem to be held to ransom by our adult children who look upon their children as bargaining tools it is probably not wise . I would be concerned about this boy being called spoiled by the new man, that is a criticism of your daughters parenting skills as well as an indication that he has a problem with the boy . All you can do is watch and wait to see if your grandson is happy and relaxed around this man , or if he becomes more controlling as time goes on . Your daughter probably is enjoying this new romance but her child should always come first . I am sure I will be shot down for my views but it does ring alarm bells .

If the boyfriend feels your DGS should be doing more sport/reading, he should be sorting that out himself, not telling you to do it.

Are you being paid to care for your DGS? I think that makes a difference. If you're being paid the going rate then it's a job and your dd sets the rules. If not, then either she likes the care you're providing or she doesn't and should make other arrangements.

Tell her and him, "my house, my rules." It annoys me when women let a new partner set the rules for their children. So many children have been beaten up and killed by their mother's new boyfriend. Her boyfriend has decided your GS is spoiled. Where is her backbone, silly woman, she is going to ruin her relationship with her DS for someone who might be around for a year or so.

Wow, thank you so much for all these wonderful comments. To elaborate further- tablet/ phone ban seems to be all the time. I always limit time on both and , frankly, have no intention of stopping while he is with us. We take GS swimming, to the museum, walking in local woods and other places so he is never stuck indoors on an electronic device. I think daughter is so thrilled with her new relationship that she is forgetting that her son should be her priority and he has no children so doesn't fully understand. Totally appreciate they want time together but there has to be balance. Holiday was presented as fait accompli and I agreed as "one-off" but I still work so it will be a challenge especially as GS is a bit upset. Last week daughter and I met for a quick coffee and I tried a non- confrontational chat but she told me not to interfere or we would fall out. Feel I am walking on egg shells. Had a text late last night asking me to take GS on Friday night too as they are going out but husband and I have plans so said no.
I feel much calmer having shared all this so thank you .

SueDonim- no I don't receive ( or want) payment.

Everyone seems to have given you great advice I would just add that whilst I would try to stick to rules MY DAUGHTER made I d be buggered if I d stick to his rules in my house while they swan off I would carry on as you always have for the 9 days
Shes obviously smitten badly and we've all been there and it will be eggshells at dawn but surely she wont come home from the holiday and question you about everything I d be very 'forgetful' personally and carry on as you see fit your co parenting has suited her well for ten years
One thing to watch it really sounds (from afar) as if boyfriend wants daughter but not grandson hence the holiday without and the Wed and Friday night dump shes only been with him four months and it sounds as if the little lad is being sent to yours more and more as hes obviously 'in his way'

If he hasn't lived with children before he may be idealistic about parenting and what to allow/ disallow. Hopefully he will 'settle down 'and life will go back more to how it was for your GS . I hope it works out but also hope your DD prioritises her son.

Do you like.him Beth and does the boy? I would.watch carefully. Obviously he has no experience of children and gs is quite old for.all these sudden changes. You are doing what you have always done, being a stable, reliable part of his life. Keep this up , you will.surely be needed in the future. To us he sounds a Rob Titchner but he may settle as he gains experience and everyone gets used to him . I hope they delay a pregnancy.

Just a thought. Is this phone and tablet ban the beginning of a divide and conquer regime? Is the new BF effectively preventing the child interacting with his peer group who could provide support for what may be starting to happen at home?I may be overreacting but I share the alarm of some other posters. It is also reminiscent of the beginnings of a relationship I managed to escape from many many years ago.

Hopefully the fact the BF is not used to children may explain events, however ...........

This sounds warning bells to me. . . Have you met boyfriend? Someone said invite them all for lunch/meal so you can see how it's going. At 10 he is old enough to be able to talk to you and, while treading very carefully, you must let him tell you how he's being treated by this man.
Keep a close eye on things and be (kindly) suspicious. . . .

So many helpful, lovely comments that I am quite overwhelmed. Yes, I liked BF but have only met him 3 times. Invited them all for a BBQ last week but told they had plans ( GS was with a friend). Will try again very soon. I could, of course, be totally over reacting but I am uncomfortable about some things. GS knows he can talk to me or his GD and that we love him very much so he may open up a bit on Wed.
By the way I wasn't sure who Rob Titchener was so googled him......gulp.

I agree with all those who say "my house, my rules". They have no right to impose rules on you. Am I right in thinking that these rules will also apply to the nine days you are having him? Being a sensible gran, you will have sensible rules regarding TV and tech, but you are going to have a ten year old climbing the walls if you stick to the rules the boyfriend has imposed, and after all, what right has he? If they are anxious to have this holiday, you hold all the aces here. I have a nine and a half year old GS who is very active and also loves to read, but quite honestly, faced with the thought of nine days (nine days is a bloody long time) deprived of tech and TV I would be quaking in my boots, especially since he is going to be smarting somewhat at being left behind. He'll be like a rumbling volcano, despite your best efforts at keeping him entertained. I don't suppose your daughter has considered, either, how resentful and hurt the boy is going to be towards her and this bloke when they come back talking about what a wonderful holiday they have had while he was left behind. This is not the way for the boyfriend to get off to a good start with him but as others have said, he probably doesn't know anything about children. My own son has been in the same position with his two step sons (with whom he now has a very good relationship) and it is a minefield, but what he very soon learned is that you don't go in trying to impose rules (even sensible ones). As momb has said he probably has an idealised view of parenting. Your daughter is very young and she is obviously trying to please this man. My daughter in law was more mature and more willing to find compromises, but not that many where it came to her boys! It has been a learning curve for them all. Like others have said, I would have a conversation with your DD and tell her about your misgivings. If this guy thinks they can start taking you for granted now, it won't stop there. I hope you find a solution to this that both you and your grandson are happy with.

Like every one else I should be very wary of this new chap. Your house your rules.

This is a hard one... I'm a daughter myself and being told 'my house my rules' and being forgetful about boundaries would make me upset.
She has already told you not to interfere, so depends on how serious she is- please be careful otherwise you might damage that relationship.

That being said, I would be worried about the new Bf too- he has no right to criticise parenting and it sounds like they are spending a lot of time without the son. Even if he is a bad influence on her, you won't change her mind! She will need to see if he is too controlling/ doesn't treat son right. All you can do is be there, offer support when asked and keep a stable relationship with DD and DGS.

I would suggest you adhere to the rules (as much as possible) maybe ask her to explain- so you know the reasoning behind this. The problem is- she's the mum, she makes the choices- get mum offside and that affects your relationship with her and DGS. Please tread carefully.

You might not like new Bf, but best you keep DD and DGS close and in confidence so that if it turns ugly, you are right there alongside her!

Also have to add, shame on them for not asking you- it's showing a lack of respect not to be asked to care for your GS, glad you said no to another babysitting gig.

You're a great gran and I want to help make sure you keep the relationship healthy!

SwimwithFish I appreciate your comments from a daughter's point of view . Having had a very difficult relationship with my own mother I have always tried so hard to have a loving respectful relationship with my own daughter ( and son) and I have been quite shaken about all this.