Daughter's new rules

Everyone has offered great balanced advice, it's a difficult one, but I do feel your house your rules. I think from my own experience as a mum who also had a second relationship after my husband left, you're vulnerable and might fall for a man who likes to take control. It's not worth a relationship, to put at odds your relationship with your son and family. I'm sure most grandparents would want the best for their DGS/D so would have a balanced view of making sure he had a good time whilst his mother was away. Good luck and sincerely hope all works out well.

Her house, her rules. Your house your rules otherwise he doesn't stay.

Be aware, be very aware. A bit blunt, I know, but that's how it starts. He will start to change your daughter next. Then he will distance her from friends and family.
I make no excuses for this next statement.
I wish that all young women, when they have children and start a new relationship, check the police records.

My own daughter was shattered when her father left for someone else when she was just 6. Sadly he never kept up contact with her after then ...making arrangements to see her, and not turning up. Telling us he now had a second family and was not interested in her. How cruel ! She and I managed alone for a few years until I met someone new. Fortunately my new bf had two grown up 'children' so was used to children. My daughter had trouble in accepting him, but he made sure she was included in everything. Every year we had a holiday at Whitsun, somewhere she would enjoy (one year the lake district boating, another on a farm in Devon etc ) and always a beach holiday for her in August. She would then go to granny's for a week and on holiday with them in the school holidays ....and we would go away just the two of us ....it all seemed to work out really well. As a small child she had been jealous of him in our lives, but seemed to get over it as he supported her in everything. Unfortunately now, after putting her through a long Uni course (she did extra years to obtain an MSc), financing her car, rent, clothes, money for food, etc etc, which I gladly and willingly did, and still taking her, when she wanted to go, on holiday to Turkey, France, etc ....she bought each new boyfriend home, and they were all lovely ....last time I heard from her was in May 2009 when she said her latest bf (who I had met, and who was very nice) and his children would like to come with her on holiday to France, where I live ..,.,so of course I said yes, and was planning where to go with them, what to do (buy barbeque, paddling pool, etc etc ...maybe a tent in the garden) ....BUT it turned out she had actually meant that would I PAY for their holiday, they wanted to stay on a camp site in France, but NOT with me, and she made it plain I was not to drive over and see them ! As I could not afford to finance her anymore, I had to say sorry, but you can come and stay here with me. Since then, I have not heard one word from her. I can only see where she is and who she is with now by looking at various sites online. I have at last found her after two years of not knowing where she was. She has banned me from her Facebook friends, her e mail, LinkedIn, and various other social media sites. After all this time I have had to reluctantly accept that she wants nothing more to do with me ...but I really wish I knew why. When I did ask her once, just after the communication about the 'holiday', why she never allows me to contact her, phone her, text her, etc ..she refuses to say anything .......so I guess I will never see her again unless she pops up online somewhere !

I had this with my ex son in law and his family. I told my daughter that I had brought both her and my son up with my 'funny ways' and that they had turned out nice people and we came to an agreement that, unless my grandchildren had done something really drastic, any punishment handed out by either parent did not apply when at my house. I only had a laptop that I used so my grandchildren were not surrounded by technology in any case, and if they were not allowed to bring their DS or whatever from home then that was fine, we did other things like play games or make things or read together. I lived near a beach at the time so we would go out for the day or I would take them out to Canterbury on the train (trains and buses were a novelty as they were taken everywhere by car). We had lots of fun, it tired them out and I had a stockpile of DVD's for rainy days. I think you need to have a quiet chat with your daughter and establish a few rules for yourself, maybe remind her that you raised her using the same ideals and she turned out okay

Please be very careful. Your grandson will need you to help him to adjust, and you don't want to inadvertently do anything which would mean you are cut off from him, which believe me when I say, can happen in the blink of an eye with you and your husband left with very little right of access to him. He is your daughters child and all decisions regarding his upbringing are hers to make, so try to stay out of it and follow her rules while cushioning your grandson and playing your part is easing him into things. At least, if your daughters new boyfriend is a controlling type, you will be there for him. In a few years he will be old enough to make his own choice about where he wants to live, so just be there when he needs you. Good luck and I hope everything goes well.

Sounds like your daughter is obeying his rules this situation is ringing alarm bells with me the boyfriend is obviously wanting your daughter to himself expecting her to leave her child for that length of time surely if it's a new relationship they should want to include the child in the holiday .

Your DGS sounds a well adjusted little lad and your DD has obviously done a great job in bringing him up, so, why on earth is she allowing a man who has no experience of children rewrite her rules. As for your DD threatening to "fall out" if you interfere I would ask her that if that were the case, who else has she got lined up to care for the child while her and her partner swan off for nine days. Like many other posters this situation sounds alarm bells ringing for me too. It's a 4 month romance, he's already moved in and now imposing his rules. I would be very wary.

when I met my late partner (we married after 2 years together) I made it plain that we would discipline our own children - he had 2 teenagers still at home.It can be infuriating at times when you want to impose your own discipline but better to keep out. The difference being that we both had children - it was tough at times in the begining but eventually they got along very well. I would not allow any man who has not experience of bringing up his own children to interfere in my parenting rules. My Daughter is now in her mid 30s & I have an adorable 6 year old grandson - she is fairly strict with him regarding DS etc but he plays football, goes swimming & loves being outdoors.however Daughter has no right to impose her rules particularly over a long stay whilst she enjoys a holiday - I am sure like most Grans I am sensible with the boundaries. My lovely Grandson also enjoys reading & playing games. Just do your best Beth61 & I hope things work out

Operate the "what happens at grannies stays at grannies" rule and keep a close watch on the boyfriend.

This is full of red flags for me, the new man moved into your daughter's home when she hasn't even know him for six months, it has progressed far too quickly.
Now he is imposing rules on your DGS, and expecting you to follow them, and going away on holiday without the child is hardly going to help fuse them into a loving family unit is it.

As others have said, be very wary of him, he seems to be too controlling.
Also he seems to be trying to divide your daughter from her son, and it is only a short step for him to try the same tactic with your daughter and you.

If it were me, I wouldn't challenge your daughter or the rules at present, she has already told you in so many words that if you do, she will support the new man's ideas.

In order to keep the relationship with your DGS, I would tread a very careful path with DD, till you have a much clearer picture of what is happening. Hopefully, your daughter will support her son, and the new man will mellow.

I see the situation is complex, but also see the merits of the rules. I have seen what they can get like by the age of 12, and it is much harder then to peel them off their machines.

My son also had rules regarding tablets, computer and tv and it seemed a good idea to me and used their time doing sport or just playing. I think in time things will settle down, your grandson is use to having just his mum at home but I do think your daughter was out of order not asking you about having him while they went on holiday and I think you need to talk to them about it.

i think there are a couple of you here who aren't in the real world. It's draconian in the 21st century to limit a child to 1hr tv a day and no tablet or phone.
Do you know how children are bullied by not knowing what's going on.
And you've obviously missed the fact that for years this mother has been perfectly happy with her sons usage of tv and tablet and then comes along control freak and she just ignores her child's wants for a relative stranger.
Thank god this poor little soul still has his nana and grandpa. Because he's going to need them.

My kids are so pleased when I look after the grandchildren that they don't mind what I do with them!! They never lay down rules - when grandchildren are with me it's up to me what I do with them, what time they go to bed , what they eat, how much TV they watch , how much iPad etc etc as long as they are happy. It's my house, my time and my rules.

All this would raise concerns for me too. I have watched my DC's being dictated to by partners and sometimes the emotional blackmail stuff has extended to me in a second hand kind of way. I struggle to keep a civil tongue in my head. Sometimes I am not so civil when pushed too far.
I have picked up so many pieces so many times I am tired out. I doubt if I would have listened to my parents or anyone else when I was younger. As an older person now I can see right through all the control stuff.
I have no contact with one DC as a result of me not being willing to be under the control of her partner or her in a second hand way.
I am watching another DC who is with someone who I think is making her jump through hoops, and me in other ways. I have stood up and been counted when I said no more money. I am watching that he never visits with her and DGCs. I think he has my measure and that I was not pleased doing manual labour for my daughter while he did nothing. I have had to drive round in circles because he would not get in the car and come to "this" before all of us went to "that". I think he knows that I an watching.
I feel so sorry for these young women who are under control of men. These females do not realise how strong they are. They have had babies! I would love to see the state of these boys if they had to have babies. Young women don't want to be single parents but that surely does not mean that they have to pick up with full size adult children! The females don't even seem to realise that they are taking the responsibility for yet another child and not getting someone who will provide and support them
We need the young women to wise up and then these abusive and dependent men will run out of places to sponge.
Try to keep calm and nod when seething, smile while the blood pressure boils but stand your ground. Don't give in every time to demands for babysitting. Make sure DD knows that it is not going to be easy to care for a child and work at the same time. Repeat often to DGS that you and Grandad are there for him.

The person I feel for in this situation is the grandson, who seems to have been sidelined in favour of some johnny come lately control freak who has no idea about children. What business is it of this man how your dg spends his time? None, and your daughter needs to get a grip. As, I'm afraid, do you. How rude of your daughter to expect you to look after dg, and how rude of her to dictate how he spends his time, while she swans off with this man.

You need to man up to your daughter. She needs a bloody good (metaphorical) shake. How ungrateful she sounds. She needs to put her son first, and respect your opinions.

Don't like the sound of it at all.
Keep a close eye on your grandson.

It's a bit soon for this new BF to be trying to be your GS's father. He should be treading very carefully and respecting the way your D has brought him up for 10 years. Very difficult for you, though, if your D is so taken with BF. Feeling for you.

So your daughter met this man in March and moved him (a stranger) into your grandsons home just three months later?
He quickly concluded that your grandson was spoilt and laid down new rules.
Your daughter is almost 30 ,what on earth is she thinking of ?

Your grandson has much to contend with.
Be careful not to alienate your daughter so that you can maintain close contact and keep your eye on this little boy.

I divorced when my children were 5 and 6...no one stayed overnight at my house whilst they were there,until they were at senior school.
I would never put a man before my children.

Violette,

I am so sorry about your daughter.It must be heart breaking.
My own brother left college secretly,at 17, to live in a commune.It was 7 years before my parents knew that he was still alive.
The Salvation army found him ,after their officers recognised him from one of their missing posters.
I do hope that one day,your daughter will regret her ways and contact you.
In the meantime,there is nothing wrong in keeping up with her life on Facebook.

I've just initiated a rule like this in my house and asked my daughter and SiL not to send the GSs with any tablets. I'm sick of seeing them glued to these devices.

Yes, it's my house and my rules but I'd have been quite happy had the request come from them.

Get in some board games, teach him to play chess, get out and about.

Don't allow yourself to over think this.

I'm guessing you'll have no problem thinking of things for your DGS to do while he is with you and so your main worry is how he will feel about the situation.
As you say, he may talk to you about his feelings and you can reassure him that you'll always be there for him.
I agree with those who say you should keep a close eye, but not make an issue of it with your DD.
Can you try subtly to boost her confidence in how she has been raising her son? Then she may not give in to every suggestion from the new guy.

I agree, don't make an issue of it and risk antagonising your DD. This man may genuinely mean well and want the best for your DGS but I would keep a very close eye indeed.

Divide and rule is a known tactic, and you need to stay in contact with your DD and DGS. If he has an enjoyable time with you then he will want to come to stay again and you can keep a (quiet) eye on how things are developing in the relationship between him and the new man in your DD's life.

OP Glad your GS has lovely friends and enjoys sport, this should give him breathing space out of the house should he need it. He's going to change so much over the next few years, good that you're living so close, he will need your love, care and support.
Are you involved at all with his school, sports activities or friends' families?
I'm thinking that should he become distressed by having to get used to a new person in the family and the rules you might have a confidential talk with an appropriate person at school. Seeing him every day of term they are likely to quickly pick up changes in behaviour or attitude.
I hope things work out for you.