Daughter's new rules

I think there are warning bells here I'm afraid regarding new boyfriend and your grandson! "Spoiled" is worrying at this stage in the relationship!!! Also, your daughter appears to be taking you very much for granted I'm afraid.

The biggest problem is that these young women will not listen to their mum#s or other relatives. The second problem is that we do not have the right in law to do anything about these situations. Thirdly the grandchildren may well be stopped from seeing us.
I am seeing similar happening around me and it is not easy.

I confess that I haven't read through the entire thread so apologies in advance if I am repeating anything that someone has already said.

I have looked after my three DGC (10,8 and 6) since they were only a few weeks old . My DDiL has never once set down any rules . She knows I love the children, she knows I am capable of making decisions regarding their welfare.

I can never understand how grandparents put up with being given these silly rules and regulations as though they were idiots who had never had children of their own.

Hi, I am truly humbled by the number of people who have taken the time to write such thoughtful posts. I cannot tell you how much it has helped. I have read every post and thought I would clarify something; I was not annoyed about the TV/ tablet ban because I rely on them while my GS is here, it was the way it was all handled that upset me. I am aware that this is a public forum so have tried not to identify all involved but would like to assure people that we do lots with GS! In the past few months we have visited 2 castles, a zoo, our local beach and park ( several times) ,gone tadpole hunting and played swingball in the garden.
I am still very uneasy about everything but trying to strike the balance between being supportive and keeping a watchful eye. Daughter has agreed to have lunch with me next week so hopefully we can chat openly- without falling out.

Sorry I think you need to look at what is going on very carefully. Firstly your GS is only 10, far too young in my opinion to be allowed a tablet and phone and unlimited access to both. It may be a controlling boyfriend but it may also be a more techno-savvy boyfriend who knows about the pitfalls of children having unlimited access to the internet and perhaps has discovered your GS has already visited sites that are unsuitable. Are you absolutely confident that if you allow the tablet and phone to be used you can check what he has been doing? If not I would stick to their rules. It may be difficult but surely much better than running the risk of something happening on your watch.

Trisher- thank you for taking the time to comment but at NO time have I said that my GS has ( or should ) have unlimited access to a tablet or phone . The point I have been trying to make is that a new BF seems to think he knows best !

Beth61 I think that most of us here know exactly what you mean. Some people just can't see what is really going on with the BF.

Well actually I don't think a 10 year old needs a phone at all so if he was my GS he wouldn't even have one. When My DSs were younger they quite often did things I didn't want their GPs to know about (and neither did they) they would sometimes have restrictions imposed on them because of their behaviour, my parents (thank goodness) accepted these without knowing why. Maybe your daughter is being dominated maybe she isn't. Whatever the reason for her behaviour, questioning and undermining her isn't going to make things any easier for your GS

What a difficult situation to be in, however if your daughter wants you to care for her son for longer periods, then she must accept your judgement, you know what his routine has been for most of his life, this is not the time for you to change when he is already having to adjust to his mother's new man.

I also think that you should be alert to any future problems, for a new man to be to be so controlling and your DD to accept it rings alarm bells for me. Has you daughter checked this man out under Sarah law, she may not want to but your grandsons welfare should be her first concern before allowing the relationship to go further.

trisher makes good points that I hadn't thought of.

Whatever happens, don't let your DGS feel that you disagree with his mother. While being supportive and sympathetic to him, stick to the rules to support his Mum and also keep an eye on the general family situation.

Her son, her rules... the new rules seem like a positive change to me.

However, assuming you would look after him for so long is unacceptable. Poor little might would feel like he's not part of the family unit and his mum's idea of fun is without him. Now you don't want him either.

I've just had two DGCs here for two weeks and one has an iPod . I had to insist that at 7pm the iPod was put in my bedroom. There was evidence that they were watching late at night and not going to sleep. I also insisted that at no point would they shield the iPod from me. If I lent over a shoulder to read what was said they must show me. It sounds a bit draconian but there had been serious online bullying at the school.

Embo32 where on earth did you get the idea that I don't want my beloved GS ? Hoping I have misunderstood that.....

I think most of us feel the main point is not the amount he uses his phone or tablet, because I'm sure you would be setting down rule anyway. It's the fact that a man with no experience of children is setting rules when he may have very unrealistic ideas about how children can be expected to behave.

Sorry, I didn't explain my thinking at all there. He must feel abandoned by his mum wanting to 'dump him' at yours while she swans off to enjoy herself with the guy who is potentially imposing these new rules, and he might feel more alone and let down if he felt he couldn't rely on always having a place to stay at yours. (Not that it's necessarily your responsibility to provide this)

I got the impression Beth61's DGS could always rely on her and her DH.

I am often wary about the idea of new boyfriends/stepdads making a lot of rules about how to bring up someone elses child. It is possible for a woman to checkout a new partner for offences of violence etc.

I am afraid some difficult men target vulnerable women to get friendship, or a roof over their heads and sometimes potentially access to enable them to abuse a partners children.

Your daughter should look at this but it's very difficult for a young women to think that her partner could be abusive and checking him out seems like a total disloyalty.

Clares law

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-25077115

Children's safety is more important than worrying about loyalty to someone you've just met.
Better safe than sorry.

Nelliemoser- thank you for the info. Not sure about rest of UK but here in Scotland, a concerned friend or relative can use the service. It is certainly an idea ( no way would DD use it) however , if there is anything, the police would tell her, not me and I am not sure how that would affect our relationship so I am still mulling it over and, meantime, keeping a discreet but watchful eye on things. On the plus side , DD seems to have relaxed her new rules about tablets etc so I suppose the original reason for the post is sorted and thanks to everyone who offered wise words. On the negative side, I have discovered that BF has actually got 2 children whom he hasn't seen for over 10 years! I am told that the ex and children moved out while BF was at work and she flatly refuses to let him see them. Now, we are all aware that some parents can make acces incredibly difficult for - mainly- Dads however it raises new concerns! Did ask DD what he was doing about it but apparently the family moved to Australia 6 years ago so the answer was " nothing".

If there is anything, would your DD prefer that you had never asked and she and her son had remained in ignorance of possible danger?

The boyfriend's ex moving out like that is worrying but of course it may be down to her rather than him. Difficult to say after all this time.

Beth 61
Your situation is so familiar to me. I am going to open a new thread because there are other aspects of the situation here. It may sound as if we think our lone parent adult children should remain alone and celibate. That is not really the case but there are so many dodgy men out there and being a bit older and not involved with the new boyfriend in anyway we can see more clearly and more dangers especially when grandchildren are involved.
Hope your situation resolves itself.
SPF

Sugarpufffairy- thank you and I will look out girl your new thread.