Feeling Helpless

If my grandson was ever in a mess like that, and the OP's GS obviuously is in one) I would do whatever it took to make things easier for him. And get him and his family on the right track.

"putting the boot" is a phrase used fairly often nowadays to mean making something worse for someone. HTH.

JIng I agree with you . I don`t agree with the violence on either side but it seems peevish to withhold money they obviously need to make a point .

No point in being hard bitten and unforgiving. They are a young family

*NOBODY(shouty capitals) is advocating being hard bitten ot unforgiving, do STOP putting your own slant on this yet again.
Are you seriously saying it is acceptable for a 24-.year old young man to physically threaten his grandparents?
We are clearly singing from different hymn sheets if you are. They need money for their annual holiday, so it is OK to bully elderly grandparents? Why not just mug little old ladies in the Post Office as they collect their pensions?
Yet again, I
I fail to see where you are coming from. Read some of the replies to OP, including my own and you will see forgiveness but NOT acceptance of physical bullying. God help us if we are to too over and accept physical threats as the norm or to be afraid of our own grandchildren.

"To roll over and accept" etc etc

Well said Daphne

It's a sad fact that relationships can easily break down between the alpha male, whether it's grandfather or father and the younger male members of a family.

Their stubborness often means that mothers and grandmothers are caught in the middle trying to find a peaceable way out because their hearts invariably rule their heads.

If a young family are struggling, whether financially or emotionally it's natural to want to do something to ease the pain and how many among us haven't 'helped out' in a way that our OHs might not approve?

Threatening violence towards a grandparent however changes the dynamic. A family may be in crisis but that's the time to step back and let the dust settle. Now matter how much you love and want to help them you have to keep their respect.

He's 24 - obviously has issues with his Dad = Grandparents need to step back and keep out of it. Low profile is my advice to OP for as long as it takes.

Whose slant am I supposed to put on it if not my own?

I think you need to calm down daphnebroon.

Of course violence is not acceptable and no doubt this has already been made quite clear to him.

I do not think the answer lies in punishing the family by spoiling their holiday.

Are "shouty capitals" really necessary on a thread such as this?

I don't think you'd better try a bullying tone with me Broon, I really don't.

Thank you all for replies, It is now 4:30am not closed my eyes nor can I stop crying, feel so utterly ashamed for slapping him, but they are going away first thing today so will not be able to sort this out for a couple of weeks (I did put the cash we promised into his bank account). Just feel like my whole life is not worth anything and that is an awful thing to say, when I do have a great and loving husband but he does not cope with normal day to day never mind this, once again thanks for your replies

Over60 I think it's the slapping that has worried you and it Understand that once something like that happens we enlarge it and dwell on it . I can imagine your hand went out before you even thought, almost an automatic reaction I think you are beating yourself up as your automatic reaction was the same as his ..... His anger caused him to utter disrespectful words, to shove and threaten you, just the same as your anger caused you to hit out. You both have to live through this nightmare
I would suggest there is some truely bad stuff going on in his life, do you know why he fell out with his dad?
You have no choice but to let it lie as he's away for two weeks after that I think a letter well thought out would be best and in it accept your part in the rage don't send a letter of grovelling apology or a letter of blame
Can you talk to your daughter in law, where is she in all this? And your son has he every spoke of his troubles with his son ? Or are you in the dark as to where it's coming from
It sounds as if you came in at the end or middle of something big and took the brunt of his anger do you have anyone other than your husband to offload maybe a close friend or even a counsellor for a few sessions just to try and get it in perspective as when we hold it in its becomes a demon as you have already found
Good luck and do keep posting even talking to strangers can help

They are on holiday now and hopefully he will have time to reflect on what's happened, but it's awful that you got caught up in the middle of the bigger issues between him and his father. They have clearly quarrelled, but for him to blame you for giving birth to his Dad is very immature thinking. He now has a son of his own and should be able to think whether he will be responsible for anything his child does as an adult.

You are loving, caring grandparents who did not deserve to be treated with such disrespect and aggression. You got caught up in something way beyond your control. Your reaction was on the spur of the moment because you were shocked and afraid, and who among us can truly say we would have remained totally calm under such circumstances? Going there with good intent in your hearts and ending up in such distress is very sad. He ought to be ashamed of himself, but he may find it hard to apologise, so I hope he makes it up in other ways.

Saying anything to your son may make matters worse, because I imagine he will be angry you were treated so badly. Lean on gransnetters but also consider talking to a counsellor who may help you to see things from a different perspective. One thing is certain, you don't ever want a repeat of that.

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Well said Anya

over60plus, my heart goes out to you and I do hope you have someone to talk this over with today. Please try not to let this overwhelm you. You have nothing to be ashamed of - the slap was in reaction to your understandable fear and anxiety at the time and is completely understandable in the circumstances. Your DGS is a grown man, not a child, and has so much more to be sorry to you for. There is obviously a lot going on in his life and in his head, which is very sad, but he will know that he should not have lashed out at your DH and you as he did. Your priority in the short term must be to get help and support for yourself and DH. I hope talking on here helps a little.

Over60plus. You have done your best to put the situation right. You have apologised and given him the money for the holiday. You can't do anything more. These situations sometimes happen in families and it is easy to brood over them . Try and put it to rest now. You have set your GS a good example by apologising for slapping him straightaway. He will come round. Hopefully he will apologise to you in time although sometimes youngsters find it hard to apologise. Could you send him a text in a few days saying you hope they are having a good holiday. Forgive yourself,these things happen. x

That is a very important point that mumofmadboys has made, forgive yourself. You acted under extreme provocation and your reaction was instinctive.
You have given them the money so I would now sit back and wait for thanks and an apology. If you do not get either at least you know where you stand. You have done what you think is right. Now, no more apologies from you, you need to look after your H and yourself.

I certainly wouldn't be sending him a text of any kind. You apologised once already, he didn't. The ball is in his court.

I totally endorse everything that Ann60 says.

I agree with those who say forgive yourself, perhaps we can understand, and wonder if we might not have done the same thing ourselves in that situation. There are underlying problems which might well sort themselves out, and if you can find it in your heart to forgive your grand-son also, then perhaps that will to go toward the healing process which will probably take some time. Be patient,
take care.

Since when have grandparents been expected to shell out cash for adult grandchildren?

Suzied I do not think it something which is 'expected' - certainly not in this family, and it does not in fact happen, however many of my friends enjoy giving to their grand-children, and it is their money they can do as they wish with it. starting with their own.
Personally, I would rather my grandchildren had the use of any spare cash I have now, so that I can see them enjoying the fruits of my labour, rather than wait until I am dead, when I will not be able to do that!

It doesnt say in the original post that the grandson asked for money it says they asked to borrow suitcases and that Over60 and husband took round suitcases and some money for their holiday it doesn't say they paid for the holiday or were even asked for money for the holiday I would certainly give a donation to my grandkids towards enjoying the holiday as a little present. Obviously if I m wrong and they did ask for money to pay for the holiday then that is a different story altogether and no grandparents or even parents shouldn't be paying for holidays if they can't afford a holiday tough