Daughter in law leaving

That's what I thought,*Jalima*. One year I was in Carrefour on that day and sked the manageress why they were having a bank

holiday and she said she didn't know.
They were just open for the morning.
Sorry about the split post, I pressed 'post' by mistake.

It eeems to me she was very homesick and has now fallen in love. It might not last and who is to say her daughters would not like her back if she gets over it.

From a child's point of view they have to be told the truth and straight away. Not some other story and then the truth.
They will get over it if you and your son don't keep on about it. Take the cue from them. When they don't talk about it or stop crying for their mother then let them forget her.
You can only do the best you can,its going to be hard work.
You may need help in the house.

I suspect she has been homesick and unhappy for a long time. Possibly depressed also. I feel sorry for everyone concerned, including her and I agree with MargaretX about telling the kids the truth, especially if she was homesick and unhappy.

Even if they don't understand straight away, they will eventually. It's not about them; they have done nothing wrong, and I don't think we should be too quick to apportion blame to the mother. We don't know the details so we shouldn't judge.

We don't know the details for sure, but no one even in the most homesick unhappy situation walks away from their children so I think we can judge her on her actions I would live through utter hell to stay with my kids so sorry but I don't agree at all with those that are now giving her depression and homesickness There is nothing in the original post to suggest she was unhappy or badly treated over here indeed her mum in law said she had loved her for 8 years which doesn't sound bad to me .... Maybe she was homesick I ve lived in a foreign country with small children and no family or even in law family ...it's the life you have chosen so you make the most of it and get on with getting on
If she has fallen out of love with her husband and life here and if the old life and loves are beckoning then she has a serious decision to make whether her own life/ happiness or her children and husband here are most important, she has been offered counselling which she didn't want, so it sounds as if she has fully made up her mind to move on
I totally agree the children should be told the truth in the kindest way possible it will be very upsetting for them at first but children are resilient if they have stability and love in bucket loads I not sure about the skyping etc I would think that would be most unsettling although you can't just wipe her out their lives so a difficult one to make a call on

Thank you bluebell for your post. Yes I shudder to the core when I think of the girls in Thailand. You see now if say she says I'm not going or comes back when she realize, we could never trust her we would be worried. And if she can do this she is not fit and worthy of our beautiful girls. We can teach them our ways and morals and protect them. Have a nice day, blue belle.

'The Assumption' is a religious holiday. There are quite a number of 'religious holidays' in France. If I can remember rightly, May is virtually one religious holiday after another!!

Sorry here again. Blue belle you are right in what you have said. I and her husband asked and asked her to see a councillor, she has issues about her own mother and father. I have been her mom for 8 years and really loved her and took care of her. She was speaking to the boyfriend while her husband and children in the house for hours and then said she doesn't want her husband to move on. She firstly is a MOM and that's that their needs come before anything, she should wait till they are old enough to make their own way in life it's all against what a mom would do, l would die for mine and would have my daughter in law too. I have always said if at all ever they split up I would still support her, and I would. Now it seems I am the bad guy.

Eileen don't take it that way she has to make stuff up to validate what's she is doinG
she has moved on and so needs to forget her English family and concentrate on what she has found now the children belong with their dad with your support, thankfully she is obviously willing to sign them over to sole custody so her new life is more important to her than what she has in France, so be it, she has made her decision, now she has to live with it ?......When does she go ?

My late brother had several relationships with girls in Thailand. I think they felt he was wealthy when put alongside local men. He was also old and ill and I suppose there was the prospect of wealthy widowhood. I don't for one moment think your DIL was of the same ilk but I think there are different attitudes to family and money in the Far East . Sadly daughters are not valuable either. I only speak from my knowledge learnt via my brother.

Yes I know bluebell it's what my daughter says to reassure me. I know your right. She's 26 and seemed sensible usually. Her mom went on holiday to thailand from France and never came back leaving her husband and 2 girls then 10 and 13 my DID said I don't know how mom could do this now I am a mother I know it's a bad thing. And because my son wanted full custody her half sisters are saying we are all pushing her away. They seem to play mind games.it's like stand gran says they are different, well they believe in dragons and spirits. She said she would see the eldest birthday in November then go then it was October when flights are cheap and she can help to get crops in. But they do have to go before a judge to see all is fair and sign again in front of judge. Best wishes.

Hi Margaret, I do agree it doesn't sit well with them saying one thing and then it changes. I don't want to lie or confuse them they must know they can trust us always. But my goodness what are we going to say for their little minds to cope. But my son is going to ask the professionals.

I seem to make a lot of typing errors sorry. It keeps deciding what to type itself, and random spaces..

How sad for you, your son and the children. I can't imagine how you are coping. I can only assume that your DIL has struggled with the culture gap but not let you see this before. You need a long term plan in case she is not happy once she is there and wants to come back or wants the children to go there. It will be very hard for your son to make practical plans during all this emotional upset.

Eileen it will help your son to speak to professionals but they will only say what I suggest. There is no other way but to tell the truth. I was shocked to hear that you are thinking about skyping. Thats cruel for a child!

Be sensible.tell them the truth, its real life,its their life
their mother has left them what else can you say? What kind of fairy story have you in mind?
If you don't tell them the truth they will get back at you when they are older and accuse you of not telling them the truth.
I have worked with young women from Thailand, they were in Germany to marry German men and they were terribly homesick. They couldn't even digest German food and hated their Mothers in law for serving them potatoes instead of rice.

I'm sure that is not the case in your famaily but perhpas it was too warm and suffacatingly so with your son and yourself. Did she have complete freedom to do what she thought best or did she have to do things the British way?

I live in a foreign country but a European one. If I had to live in a Thai family in Thailand I can imagine what I would feel like. I would be desperate.

No no no Margaret, you have got it a little wrong. My DIL is 26 my son 29 she came with her family when she was 13 they have been brought up with French ways her stepfather is french. They have always had the thai culture as well as french. They met at apprentice school and my daughter was her friend. we are English and came in 2004. She has her own mind and own way of doing things,we see them at the weekend we go to them or they come to us, if she asks me anything I have guided her if that's what she wanted. Although I did teach her English so she is fluent in french and English. My DIL said to tell the girls she was going to look after grandmother, I didn't and don't agree with that, I think they should be told with no lies but in a way they could cope with little by little. I did put that in a previous post.I feel for the girls that married the German men, that's really sad. My daughter in law cooks rice everyday, and I do her a mean thai curry if she asks for it when she comes to us. I have always had her best interests at the for most. Perhaps when my Daughter in law went to thailand when she was 19, she could have decided to stay then before she decided to marry and have 2 children, it's too late then you are responsible for 2 other lives to keep safe happy and sane. Thank you for your posts.

Good that your son is getting professional help about what to tell the children. The 7 yr old can probably absorb a practical explanation such as Mummy misses her other family. But what to say to the 3 yr old, I've no idea. At 3 they have little concept of time.

Don't make excuses for her Margaret I ve lived in Far Eastern countries and life is different but you live where your children are, not run off with a new lover and leave them. I don't hear any words of homesickness Eileen sounds as if she's been a perfect Mother in law, the girl wants a new life with a new love nothing to do with her old life not being good for with, nothing to do with her being Thai or with her being in France it's simply a case of the grass being greener ....she wants a new life she's fed up with the old one and she's selfish simple as and that comes in any ethnicity

BlueBelle We are dealing with a case where she is leaving her children. You can't just keep writing about what you would do. We have to take her where she is now and it looks as if she intends to go back to Thailand.

I can't imagine ever leaving my children but some women do- have always done. Just like so many fathers have done - actually she is just behaving like a lot of men do, but it being a woman upsets us.
I'm signing off Eileen, I hope you get professional help, you sound a really loving Grandmother and the children will benfit from your love and care.

Hi grandma Mora, thank you for posting, l appreciate all the input. It's awful, I'm not sleeping really, my son is keeping it together he's determined to cope but I'm worried that it will all get to him when DIL actually goes. And that's my nightmare now thinking of when that day comes. And at the end of it all loosing the daughter I loved. No she can't come back and take the girls, I would not see them so messed about. Best wishes

MargaretX is right - she is behaving like a lot of men do (yes, and some women) but because she is a mother it seems more shocking.
Because most of us would 'walk over hot coals' for our DC and DGC does not mean everyone feels the same and there are women who will put a new life, a new love, before their children.
If I've read the posts correctly her mother left her and her sister in France with their step-father, so in a way she is repeating history.

Eileen look after yourself too, what do they say on a plane?
'Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others'

Thank you ladies, yes it's usually the men it's so alien to a mom we give birth. When your in trouble usually we want our mom's. Thousands of fantastic daddies too that do wonderful jobs of being mom and dad.Blue belle you got it, she went on holiday saw gran and grandad, by the way he walks around with a stick to hit you with, saw old boyfriend from when she was 13 that drinks smokes (DIL pet hates) divorced with a daughter. So I think they have seen pound signs and worked on her. Yes 3 year old waking up and asking for mommy. Thank goodness the bond the girls have with my daughter is strong. I think to myself what if anything happens to dad or us. Anyway we have to get through it no choice, and thank you again ladies for your support. I will remember that Jalima, it's a good one, trouble with me is I sort myself out last. I don't think I've ever had a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Have a good afternoon everyone x

I think it is not our place to judge the woman. We do not know her. It is always hard to understand other people's motives. I would have found it an impossible idea to leave my daughters but I am not her.
The issue is to support the girls so they grow up confident and happy and feeling loved. I do believe in telling the truth and that, in this case might be that mummy and daddy don't love each other enough to live together any more so mummy is going to live somewhere else. She still loves you and you will stay here with daddy, grandma etc. etc. Personally I do not think skyping is a bad idea as long as it is regular and happy!

I've just read through this thread and feel Penstemmon's contribution is a positive one. A simple, age appropriate and true explanation is what these little girls need.
A couple of people have said skype is a bad idea and its best to let the children gradually forget their mummy. The sad reality is that the 7 year old won't forget her mummy and the 3 year old will continue to wonder why other children at school have a mummy and she doesn't. Sometimes, cards or short letters to let the children know mummy loves and thinks about them can help. I do understand why the family may feel that isn't appropriate but perhaps that's something that can be re-considered in future.

It's good that these little girls have such a loving grandmother, aunt and father. I agree it makes sense for the father to have sole custody (it has a new name now but we know what we mean) .