Daughter in law leaving

My dil had two very small girls when she met my son. She told him and the children when they got older that their dad had gone to prison and then died in prison. Her family was also told this and believed it. My son brought the children up as his own and loves them to death. When the eldest was 20 the truth came out in a family arguement, they had different fathers. One didn't even know he had fathered a child and the other was alive and living in another part of the country. This lie caused terrible upset for sometime but thankfully they now recognise how hard my son worked to bring them up. So I really believe that you must be honest with the girls because the truth will come out one day. However much wrong she has done by leaving be kind about her to the girls and I believe you should let them have limited contact with her, She is their mum however badly we think she has treated them. I hope it all works out well for you and your family

There a re several former SWs on GN who will have more experience than me but as a naive 19 yr old I worked on summer in a children's home. The children, all girls aged 4-12,, had been removed from their mothers because of neglect/cruelty. Many mums wer drug users and prostitutes. What I learned from this experience was, that without fail, each girl wanted their mum to contact them and come to see them.

I do agree with some of the other posters that the girls should have some contact with their mother if possible as all children naturally want their mother, though this could make life much more difficult for you and your son.

I agree with Penstemmon, however badly a mum behaves kids will still want to have contact with them.

Hi Eileen, you must be feeling awful right now, but my best advice is to take each day at a time and you will all get through this and come out the other side stronger and happier.

I have experienced this as a child myself, my mother left and went to live abroad in the 70s when I was 12 and my brother and sister 10 and 8, She had been on holiday to Spain and met a man there. My parents had a stormy marriage, though this was mostly hidden from us kids. She wrote a letter explaining that she was going away (not saying that she had met someone else, but that she had been unhappy for a long time and that she had to make a complete break). My dad took us all into his bed and read the letter to us. The first week or two were awful - it was so sudden - so far as we were concerned she had been a loving, attentive mother one minute and then just gone the next. My dad was fantastic, he brought us up on his own (we had no family living nearby), financially we struggled and the house was always a tip, but we were happy and are still all very close and have grown up to be happy, well-balanced and successful.

I didn't speak to my mother for years (she always kept in touch, sending birthday and Christmas cards and has been happily married to that same man all these years).Eventually, when I had children of my own I started up communications and have visited occasionally. She has tried to explain things from her point of view, but there is really no way to do that.

Your granddaughters are lucky to have you. As others have said, tell them the truth and be there for them, but try not to be sad and emotional or judgemental around them - my own grandmother did that and I felt that in some ways I had to support her! Talk about the future and make fun plans about the things you'll do as a family.

Wishing you strength and love

Something similar happened to a relative of mine. One child is now at university and the second doing well at school. One word of warning make sure your son gets everything sorted out legally and has full custody. The mum in this case went home, came back for a bit, wanted to take the children to live abroad, went home again and eventually came back again. The father has been the one constant in these children's lives. Mum has contact but hasn't been at all reliable. Stay strong and supportive your son and his daughters will need you, but they will get through this.

Thank you ladies for your posts. There is a lot of concern and understanding in them, you are all wise lovely grans. The main thing is we have to tell the truth and my son has to have full custody. He has been to sign for custody.Grandmakt I appreciate your honesty and I am truly sorry for what you all went through. No I will be strong and positive. And Trisher I do think that she thinks she could come back and pick up where she left off. We all want our mom's when in trouble no matter what age we are. All the posts have helped a great deal. Xx

Cutting off the girl's mother wouldn't be the best thing to do, it's their mother and they could possibly be resentful when they grow up if they weren't allowed to speak to her. Facebook, skyping and their own email address for sending photos etc (with checks from dad) would enable them to keep in touch and soften the blow of their mother leaving them. Very sad for children to lose any parent especially their mother.

Another thing is never to criticise their mother to them. I always think when a parent criticises the absent parent to the child it makes it impossible for that child to offload themselves. They know the resident parent will take it as an opening to unleash more criticism.

Best wishes Eileen at least the girls have their father, GPs and aunt to be there for them. You must be feeling heartbroken for your GDs.

Thank you Fayre, very true, truth is key, we will do our utmost to keep the girls happy in all situations. Best wishes.