What do you do when you disapprove of your child announcing a pregnancy?

I found the earlier thread, erdosrenyi and realise that it was your original thread.
I'm really sorry that things are no better with the situation between you and your parents.
Your mother sounds as if she has a lot of unresolved issues, so I don't know what would be your best move.

Just stay as happy and positive as you can; keep in touch but certainly not daily? and hope her attitude will soften when the baby arrives and you prove to her what good parents you are.
How well do you get on with your sister? Can she mediate or tell them how unkind they are being?
However, some of the things in your OP that they have said to you sound like mental abuse, do you need all that?
Are you in-laws around and are they nice people?

In the meantime, keep well, best wishes

We are only hearing the OPs viewpoint. It would be interesting to hear her parents perception. I realise I sound negative but I've often found that there can be very different perceptions on both sides. The parents may have had a very difficult time and be unwilling or unable to engage as much as the OP would like. Daily emails could be seen as a bit much?

Ps just read that you have a good relationship with your in-laws - nurture it, your parents are far enough away so that you don't have to have them visiting on a daily basis.
Keep any emails bright, breezy and non-committal

Thanks for all the advice on here.
i'll do what I can to follow the positive points of focusing on my, DH's and DS's future, and not looking back.

Daily emails are kept extremely trivial - it's usually my father whinging about something trivial (we went out for lunch, your mother's coffee wasn't to her liking; we went to a concert, the venue wasn't good enough; some bloody teenager refused to serve me in a shop because I called her a stupid child... etc), me responding in bright & breezy fashion (oh well, at least the playing in the conecrt was good/ the rest of your meal was good/ there was another shop round the corner... etc). My mother hasn't bothered emailing me in years, and only did it infrequently in the first few years after I left - though she will respond to my sister's emails several times daily.

Bobbysgirl we have phone (Skype) contact once a week. My parents talk about themselves/ go off on rants about other people's stupidity & fecklessness etc. for an hour without drawing breath, then get off. They haven't asked about anything to do with our life in a long time - my father basically seems totally uninterested except when he can find a negative comparison to make with someone he deems "better" than me or DH - and my mother only wants to know so she can rub it in that I might not've heard from whoever she's asking about because they probably don't like me because I'm such a waste of space (no, I usually haven't heard from whoever it is because I last spoke to them 30 years ago in primary school...).

Jane10 you seem to have the insight into my parents' mindset that I lack. So what do you think they think about me? On the one hand you say I'm projecting, on the other you imply that my parents are probably right as we only have what I've said. If they have significant problems in their lives that make them too unhappy to respond positively to anything I do, then they do a pretty good job of hiding them in between living busy lives of apparently healthy privileged retirees with lots of fun activities, expensive overseas holidays, wide circle of acquantainces, etc. My mother's only terrible disappointment in life that she talks about (other than me) is that my father won't take her on a round the world cruise or buy her diamonds for her birthday.

They are certainly unwilling to engage. However everything points to that being because they think I'm a waste of oxygen and always have been, and they're embarrassed about me.

Need to look forward, not back. Off to fold some baby clothes and put up the curtains in DS's room...

I did not say that your parents are probably right! Its you that keeps saying that they think you are a 'waste of space'. They have their own lives and you have yours. Don't waste any more time ruminating.

erdosrenyl I think your parents have problems, but you aren't one of them. Most parents would take your depression as something that needed support - not something that made you worse than them. You've got a house and a husband and you're expecting a baby. That puts you in a really good place. I think they are a sad couple who will miss out once the baby is born. By all means send them photos and updates on the babies progress but don't beat yourself up trying to connect with them. I gave up my career when I had my first baby and took all sorts of jobs afterwards, butI ended up doing all sorts of interesting things over the years and never felt I'd missed out on anything or disappointed my family.

How much do you see of each other? Do they visit you and do you visit regularly, infrequently or not at all. ? How often do you see your sister? Can you not get her to intercede on your behalf?

Can it be that they cope with you having moved to another country by distancing themselves a bit. Might they see it as a rejection.? A daily email is unusual but even if trivial it could be their way of keeping in touch. You obviously know them and we dont, but they enjoy their local grandchildren, maybe they are unhappy that you are so far away as will your child, their new grandchild be.

I am sure they dont think of you as a waste of space, because obviously you are not, but they will have their own perce ption of the sad situation. It would be worth trying to find out what that perception is. If you then feel they really do not care, though surely they do, then get on with your life, love and enjoy your coming baby and try to forgive your parents if you can. It is their loss. Good luck and congratulations. Be happy.

I can hardly believe what I have just read about your parents erdosrenyi. They need help if they cannot bring themselves to be happy for you and look forward to having another grandchild. I do hope that once your baby arrives they can somehow change their attitude and welcome the baby into the family. It's their loss if they can't .
Meanwhile hope all goes well for you and your OH and try not to allow your parents to spoil your joy. Good luck .

Congratulations Erdos, having a child is a wonderful thing and the vast majority of grandparents of any age would be delighted by your news.

I have a lot of sympathy for your predicament. Like you I have mild ADHD and I am dyspraxic and during my childhood, my teachers generally made it clear that they never expected much of me - despite me always doing well in exams. Thankfully, my parents found me incomprehensible but just worried about me, and loved me dearly.

When your parents have labelled you so viciously, and been so persistent in sticking to it, no matter what you do, and their age has nothing to do with it.Then the best thing to do is first, accept that there is nothing you can do in any way at any point that will change your parents view of you. If necessary seek counselling to help you cope with this.

Secondly loosen the ties between you and your parents. Stop emailing everyday, gradually space it out until, perhaps you email just once a month. I hesitate to ask us but are your parents getting a perverse satisfaction from your daily contact with them, feeling it proves to them your perceived inadequacy and that you need them more than they need you? I would certainly limit their contact with your child after he/she is born. Their attitude to you will undoubtedly colour their attitude to your child which could be very damaging for the child.

Do your parents in law know how difficult your relationship with your parents is? I am sure if they did they would offer you all the support you truly need.

In a case like this I think the best thing to do is loosen the bonds that bind you to your parents. If contact dwindles to emails and cards on birthday's and at Christmas do not worry. It will be better for your emotional health and that of your child.

Ignore them and enjoy your pregnancy - you and DH sound as if you've got your heads screwed on. I know we all want our parents to be proud of us, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Funnily enough, my mum was not maternal, but adored the GC. Perhaps when the new baby arrives, it will act as a bridge - I do hope so.

I think you parents are giving you a splendid of example of what not to do to your own child. You are a grown woman you should see this for what it is parents with problems, they have done their worst and you are now mistress of your own destiny.

You can't blame your parents when you have been in charge of your own life, for as long as they were in charge of it, time to move on.

Parent as it suit you and with love. It will all be fine.

Congratulations Erdos! This is an exciting new chapter for you and your husband.You are settled in your adult life and though I cannot understand your parents attitude,the problem is theirs and not yours.I would continue to talk about your pregnancy and your happiness and preparations for the new baby,even if they ignore it.It will show them that this is your life now and naturally your pregnancy is the main focus for you.Hopefully they will change their minds once they see your pride and happiness in the new arrival.If not,it will be their loss and you have to prioritise building your own family now.

You are an adult who is living life as a responsible functioning member of society ( I.e runs a home, works, in a relationship ) it is your decision ( and a partners ) if you have children. Your parents sound as if they are the ones who have a problem. Ignore them and live your life. If they want to be in your life and you do as well then great ( as long as it is a healthy relationship ) Just leave them to it and you enjoy the joy a baby brings.

You poor thing, Erdos, as you are dealing with some difficult and unjust behaviour from your family. However, you are going to have a baby and that is a joyous occasions so congratulations.

The reason I am posting this is because I recognise the family set up as it is one I have lived with for many years.

You are the family scapegoat.

It is clear that any problems you have had in your past have dissipated to a large extent and you say you have university degrees so are clever and successful. Your decision to support your husband's job and take part time work is your business and yours alone. It sounds perfectly rational to me and would probably result in more general marital happiness than the pair of you undertaking stressful jobs or jobs far from each other.

Your parents, and to a certain extent your sister, have fallen into patterns created in childhood of dealing with you as a 'problem' and they cannot see that things have changed.

In my family there were many aunts and cousins and in each family there was a scapegoat child who bore the ire and blame for every ill. My family subconsciously picked up this behaviour and I became the bearer of all the guilt. Even now, when things go wrong they email me with nonsensical accusations which have no basis in fact but are a means of venting their fear and frustration with life. When my sister was being OFSTEDed at school and she had other severe pressures she let off a salvo of ire at me.

Given that I am quiet and overly sensitive at the best of times this behaviour has been extremely distressing even making me ill at times.

I decided to take no more of it and in a very friendly way said to my mother that she had to stop being horrible to me as it was upsetting me too much. Of course, she was shocked to find her behaviour was labelled as 'horrible'. However, she reacted in a positive way immediately and is now much kinder and nicer. When she starts the nastiness again I remind her she has to be 'nice' as I will not accept undeserved comments and that works.

My sister is a harder case as she would never in a million years be persuaded she was ever in the wrong. In her case, the last time she sent a cruel and unjust email I replied with only two lines to explain that everything I have ever said or done had been activated by affection for her and my mother. Then I went completely 'off radar'.

Bit by bit she showed she had got the message. Firstly she 'liked' my Facebook posts, then she added some indirect but pleasant comments. Then she sent short texts and then she arranged a birthday occasion for my mother at which our two families mingled on neutral ground. Thus they were both brought to consider the effects of their actions and whether they wanted to drop the relationship altogether.

You might find this to be the case in your instance too. And, what's more, with a baby you are not going to survive if your family relations are toxic. Test them out. Give them the chance to behave better and , if they will not, I would stage a withdrawal as they have no right to wreck your life.

erdosrenyi, congratulations on your pregnancy. May I suggest you read a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. There are also links to toxic parents on line. For me it was an eye opener. The problem is theirs and not yours. As a fully functioning adult, to protect yourself and your own family, you may need to distance yourself for awhile at least and see what happens. Nothing will change if you keep on doing what you have always done. Good luck xx

To put it politely stuff your parents, you ain't married to them and what they think or feel about your impending happy event don't matter one jot or tipple. I know it's a shame 'cos you'd like to have them in your corner but don't let the situation influence you or your marriage. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes we'll

New definition of "politely".
I agree with the sentiment

I have had a million problems with my children over the years and my daughter had a child at 16 whom she brought into the world without an ounce of stability for him. I think that having a child was the not the right thing for her because so many circumstances were wrong. However, my daughter is continuing to work and study and will hopefully be able to provide a happy, stable life for themselves in the future. My grandson is the apple of my eye; I adore him and couldn't think of my life without him.
I doubt your parents will change now and they have firmly established ways of thinking. It's very sad because they should be so, so proud of you and all that you have achieved even if it wasn't quite up to their 'expectations'. Immerse yourself in all the positive influences of your life and be happy.

I think foxie summed it up nicely.
I am in my 70s. I wasn't happy with either of my daughters' plans for a first baby for very different reasons but I wouldn't have shown it to them for the world. And I love my daughters unreservedly and adore the grandchildren who resulted.
I myself was actually told by my mother that I was the "only one of my children who gave me any trouble" but my mother was delighted to be a grandparent and to some extent the GCs helped improve our relationship.
One of my children has a mother-in-law very like your parents Erdos. After years of hoping she would become as good a mother and grandmother as she is to her own daughters and their children, DD and her black sheep husband have now loosened the ties and expectations and are much happier.
Congratulations and much happiness to you all.

Well, I don't know about 'people in their 70s'. I am not in favour of stereotyping people or groups of people because of their age-group. They are all different.

Myself (in my 80s) I would only have concerns if (a) you weren't in a stable loving happy marriage or stable partnership and (b) if you were a teenager with all the extra concerns that would raise. Been there...

Otherwise, I simply cannot comprehend your parents' attitude. A lot of the women I know are just the reverse, are desperate to become a granny even if son/daughter has other plans! I'm not, because I don't live my life vicariously through others, not even another generation of descendants. But 'there's nought so queer as fowk' remains an old and true saying.

erdosrenyi it seems that you are your parents scapegoat. Thre is some good advice on this website.
www.angriesout.com/grown19.htm

My parents especially my father, thought more highly of my sister than me. She was a great achiever in exams. I got on an made a life of my own but helped them out in old age.

You have to be your own person. There is no mileage in hoping your parents will change.

Sounds like your inlaws are lovely. Make good friends with them.

Congratulations on your news.

I don't know if this may help but my DD became pregnant and I was furious with her. I actually asked her how she could 'consider breeding with her partner' He is despicable and abusive. My husband was just as angry and our DS thought she should have an abortion.

Our DGS is now almost 14 months old and DH and myself both adore him - I kept in touch with DD during her pregnancy and eventually got DH to calm down although DS has not changed his position and neither DD or GS can visit us. We have had to help her financially and emotionally and because of her partner she has had SS threatening to take GS away. DD has mental health problems and needs support it is vey draining but we're still hanging in there for them.

I don' know if this is making any sense to you because it it a very emotive subject for me but the bottom line is even if your parents think you are a disappointment, you have let them down or whatever, keep your pregnancy low profile but don't let them ignore it. It may turn out ok with them and it may not you seem to have a supportive DH and you are obviously strong to deal with your parents - so look after your own little family and things may change but if they don't you have your own child to cherish. Good luck

I'd send an email asking if there is a problem. Tell them you are upset by their lack of enthusiasm and interest. See if they reply.

Oh wow, even if you did have all these problems they have labelled you with then any decent, caring parents would be supporting you, not constantly putting you down! Stop emailing them if you can do so without feeling any guilt (you should not be guilty imho). It is very hard to ignore your parents, their attitude has coloured and shaped your life and all you would like is for them to share your joy, but that looks out of the question so maybe you can learn to just the parents in laws company and encourage their involvement with your pregnancy. Good luck and stay strong

Don't let your parents get away with talking about themselves for the whole time you Skype. You could say,'I expect you want to hear my news too. I did such and such this week and DH has painted the nursery or whatever!'