Glad I'm NOT a grandparent

An observation for the Random Thoughts Provoked by a Gransnet Thread shelf: before I had grandkids I didn't actively want them, nor did I actively not want them; I don't think I thought about it at all. I think I knew, somehow—perhaps from a long ago conversation, or by the fact that when Minibags was born and they were rising eighteen and twenty, they were thrilled and enchanted—that my already grown up daughters wanted kids at some stage, but that's as far as it ever went.

Then DD1 rang me one day to tell me she was pregnant (unplanned but she and partner were happy about it). It was very exciting. Minibags became an aunty at the age of eight. Since then they've had another child and I think both my grandsons are fabulous, as are their parents.

I'm not very hands on because of geographical distance and because DD and son-out-law are extremely competent. They are closer geographically to the paternal grandparents, who were also freer than me to travel, and through them get to see their numerous cousins on that side of the family, which is great. I didn't have any cousins until I was twelve and then only two all told, one of whom has a daughter the same age as Minibags.

Families are all different. Minibags told me a year or so ago that she didn't want to have kids. My response?... Shrug, wotevs; your life, your choice. She's already sounding less certain about that

princesspamma - what kind of boots, always interested in boots
(ps and a couple of young relatives work in the oil industry, always interested in new finds)

Must admit that much as I love my two grandchildren, my value now to my own children is that of baby-sitter.

I am rather disappointed that they have lots of fun days out but me and OH are never invited to participate. Our children often ask us if we are free on certain days, and there is a glimmer of hope that they might want us to come to lunch or on a picnic, or for a day out in the park, or on a trip to the theatre for a children's show, but no, invariably it will be "Oh good. Can you look after......?"

We adore our GC, but it rankles slightly that the parents of our children's spouses, the other set of Grandparents, do all the fun family things, and we don't. They get all the fun slots.

My child has an album full of photos of GC's other grandparents, two of them step-grandparents as well, but none of us with our GC.

Sorry if that sounds petty. I know I am hurt by it and never let it show. I agree to all the baby sitting too without comment. It's a situation I can't do much about unless I have a showdown, and I really don't want to cause bad feeling.

So, yes, grand-parenting hasn't been the joy it should have been. The children I love with all my heart - I'd walk over burning coals for them - but I am giving up quite a bit of my freedom to baby sit.

Hmmm. On reflection my above post probably belongs on another forum.

As for being a Grandmother, well, I adore my grandchildren.

I didn't particularly want to become a granny though and it wouldn't have worried me if my children had decided to remain child-less. Once the babies arrived, I felt instantaneous love for them.

I don't drone on about my GC. I have lots of interests and wouldn't want to bore anyone with tales of my GC. However, anecdotes of any sort whether they be about the dog, the running, the boat, the new curtains, the holiday etc, etc, can be interesting if they are short, but boring if they become the only topic of conversation.

Perhaps bionicwoman ought to be on her guard. Is she boring the pants off her listeners with tales of her exploits?

I'd also advise her that a little tolerance is a great and likeable characteristic. It doesn't hurt to listen, nod along and smile, even if the topic of conversation is about a child you've never met.

Day6 I feel for you! Some of my granchildren see much more of the other grandparents and we hardly see them as we are further away. But I try not to dwell on it and enjoy the time we do have together.

To everyone and especially to Day6 - I'm a step granny, and am always delighted to help, in whatever way including babysitting, and love to have some days out with the family but do find the MIL granny and grand-dad somewhat possessive and overpowering, so I empathise TOTALLY with you.

I didn't have children myself, didn't meet the right person till too late, and I have been very surprised by some mums and grannies who are quite dismissive of people without children or grandchildren, for whatever reason.

BTW we got a dear little rescue dog by chance (I think!) after a particularly difficult time with the MIL granny who had been more than usually possessive with darling SGC .... love our darling dog to bits AND my step grandchildren, and also love having some time in my own, and getting involved with work, local politics, gardening, etc, etc!

There really is room for everyone in this world and more than enough love to go round.

???

Jalima ..... Thanku for your interest, good to meet a fellow footwear afficionado! Clark's knee length in dark brown suede, Faralyn dawn or something I think they are called. Ridiculously expensive, but am expecting to get a good 10 years out of them, so actually very good value x

I completely get it Bionicwoman. I am not an especially maternal person. I loved having my own children very much, and felt very maternal with them, but I have no interest in babies and children now. The screeching of kids in supermarkets and even in neighbouring gardens makes me cringe and want to be somewhere else. One of my daughter's has three children aged 22, 16 and 14. I love them and I have had the youngest two to stay, but it suits very well that we live 300 miles away, as I wouldn't want to be 'grandma' on a daily or even weekly basis if I'm honest!

I have a son who has cut me out of his life since I divorced his father 8-years-ago. He has three children. Two of them, I only found out about when my eldest saw it on Facebook (he cut her and her family off too, he 'has issues'). I was devasted for the first several years and grieved for the loss of him, but it has never really bothered me that I don't see his children. Since I don't know them, they are strangers to me and it doesn't trouble me. It seems that this makes me odd. Most estranged parents seem to pine for the Grandchildren they have never met!

Also, I have two friends who chose not to have children. The flack they got for that choice when they were younger is remarkable. Family members telling them that they were selfish and friends and aquantances telling them, in their child-bearing years, that they would change their minds, or regret their decision. They never did either. ?

I thought this was a site for Grandparents I don't understand why someone who neither has grandchildren nor wants any should feel the need to put comments on here.

PS to Day6 - we took our own photos of us altogether with the dsgc, made sure we did some good short trips (the park can be lovely), and made an album and collage photo in frames for our house and for their houses.

The darling grand children loved them and without making the whole thing into some terrible competition (!) we are now as visible as everyone else!

A friend of mine would send a letter to her GC every couple of weeks or so, with a painting book or whatever, do that she also wouldn't be forgotten as she lived a long way from them.

???

Gangan1 I thought that this was a free country, please correct me if I am wrong.

P

Bionicwoman - I admire your bravery in posting as you have! The reactions have been very interesting.

I too am not (or not yet - who knows?) a grandmother and I chose to join Gransnet as there are good tips and informative posts and I like to look at the views of people of my own or similar age.

If truth were told, I would like to be a gran - but not yet. And if my children were to ask me to constantly babysit or look after their children, I would not want them to assume that I am automatically available.

Enjoy your life as you choose, but be wary of appearing to criticise those who enjoy different things to you! I have been caught out by this and it always gets people's backs up.

Don't know what happened there. What I was going to say was that I liked your post princesspamma we all all different. You are happy in the life you have you have chosen and that is the most important thing. Why should you go down a path if you don't feel it is right for you. I worked with children and families with problems for many years, and the number of children that were born but then the parents found they needed to spend time and take care of them. That is when the problems began. Enjoy the life you choose, whether it be with children, grandchildren, with a much loved partner or even on your own.

Day6 It's sad that you feel used by your adult Cs and only see your GCs when you are needed to look after them.

But your post reminded me of the person who wrote to an agony aunt, upset because she never got invited to parties.
The answer? 'Do you ever give any?'

I'm not sure why speaking to your daughter would necessarily mean a 'showdown'. Why don't you just think of somewhere nice to go, and ask the family to join you?

Princesspamma -
My step-son is sedimentary geologist, so I've heard all that before too!

I thought I would not have GC (I have 4 Step-GC) as my DD is in a very loving relationship with a woman (Civil Partnership & Marriage). I now have a lovely DGS aged 6, last year I moved to be nearer to them as I am now widowed & it may be me that needs them more than the other way around.

I only see them occasionally, school, football training & matches & swimming lessons all take priority. Not been required to baby-sit or go to park etc as when we do meet up there's lots to talk about.

I don't carry a photo of my DGS with me & certainly don't babble on to others unless we get on the subject.

As another poster says we discuss lots of different topics on here, some of them very lively!!!

I do agree it is a free country which is why I am entitled to make my comments. I just don't understand why someone with no grandchildren and has no interest in grandchildren would want to read the comments on here.

"talking about their grandchildren" is rather vague

If someone's grandchild was an olympian or paralympian for example I would want and EXPECT them to be banging on about them round about now and would be very interested.

If someone's precious snowflake is VERY very clever and gifted and better than all other children because they're doing something very average like using a potty, well… not so much :-D

Grandchildren are people, of all ages, some will be dull people, some will be fascinating. If you aren't interested in people then…. good luck with that, there's nothing wrong with being a loner but loners don't generally seek out verification from others like the OP has done

BIONICWOMAN,each to their own but may i ask why you joined Gransnet ?

I would like to ask the same question why join Gransnet.

Gangan1 Why not join Gransnet? There is a heck of a lot more on here than grand children. you do not have to be a gran to join.

bionicwoman I don't in the least think you're weird for not wanting grandchildren. I do, however, think it's a bit weird to come on here so that you can tell us

I am now 71 years old and have a GS, one year old.
I look after him on a regular basis for around eight to ten hours during the day.

But while he is a lovely little felllow, it leaves me completely exhausted and takes me a day or two to recover.
I had forgotten just how much hard work babies are, and to be honest, I could have done without it.
I was looking forward to a peaceful retirement -fat chance of that now.
I also find it very stressful, i.e.: choking, accidents. I don't have the confidence I once had when I was younger.
So, Bionicwoman, I understand where you are coming from. I just wish my daughter had the same sentiments.

Victoria have you said something?

I'm the parent generation and from our perspective I think a lot of us feel pressure to "allow" the grandparents over night sleepovers and time without us even well before we're really comfortable with it. It doesn't always benefit us exactly so much as it's what we think the grandparents want and what we should be doing.. sometimes.. other people shamelessly use grandparents as free babysitters

but either way, I think the generations need to talk a bit more clearly (both ways) about what we hope for and what we can offer/expect from the grandparenting-grandchild relationship.

I work with a lot of grandparents who on the one hand now complain about being exhausted (I'm not surprised) from working full time and doing grandchild childcare on their days off…. however the same women pushed for overnight "turns" with the grandchildren when they were babies and it's just continuted and I don't think anyone is really sitting down and speaking clearly and frankly about whether it is still working for everyone IYKWIM

The same for daytime childcare. Some parents prefer the idea of babies being with grandparents when they're babies - of course it's more personal and homely than nursery.. but as time goes on sometimes parent's aren't 100% happy with the arrangement but feel they can't pull out of it and switch to nursery without offending the grandparents… while on the other side of the coin the grandparents might feel it's a bigger commitment than they anticipate and THEY feel they can't "let the parents down"

IMO for it to work there needs to be contintued frank re-assessments to see if it's working for everyone