I'm a new nana, and have problems with DIL. We got on great until the baby was born.

This is an interesting dynamic that I have a good deal of experience with . . . not just with my own family but that of clients that I have dealt with.
If a Mom has not got a good dynamic with her own mother in the first place . . . when that Mom has a baby a whole load of issues seem to come into play. The Mom is still wishing/praying for all these things that she never got from her own mother . . . she perhaps privately hoped that when she had her baby her mother might swing into things and finally be the mother she wanted her to be. When this does not happen . . . it does not matter who else is sweet and kind and thoughtful to her . . . she resents it deeply . . . she wants it from her own mother. Someone else being kind and sweet and supportive instead of her own mother, in her eyes . . . just seems to make everything so much worse. The resentment to the kind sweet supportive person is very real and tangible.
Once you can try to see this Nanahana it might help you to observe things from a slightly different perspective.
It can and does change over time as it has done in my case.
I too at points felt like throwing in the towel, but eventually just kept up being sweet and kind and supportive when I could . . . but a little bit staying in the background.
Eventually the Mom realises and eventually over time appreciates what you do for her little family and things get better . . . as to be honest she is not getting that kind of love and support anywhere else/and may never achieve that i.e. not from her own family.
So hang in there for your son and your grandchild and for Mom who is going through it all at the moment.
If you were good before . . . that hasn't gone away for good . . . it could well return. We can never underestimate how terribly useful us grandparents are to our sons and daughters and our grandchildren

It sounds to me like the heart of the problem is the other Grandparents. There sounds like an awful lot of disapproval coming from them - the Father ignoring you and your 8 year old, the Mother not willing to do anything for the GC.

If you're Son and DIL are living in such an unhelpful and hostile environment it must be extremely difficult for them. Maybe your DIL just doesn't want to 'rock the boat' as they live there. It can be very difficult trying to please demanding parents - believe me, I know. Plus, your Son and DIL are maybe simply being 'compliant' as they're worried about the roof over their heads. It's tough imposing on people for long periods no matter how well you get on. It's possible that when you come along, if the parents disapprove of this (reasonable or not), the younger parents have to choose sides. It's not necessarily personal towards you.

You could of course approach the Grandparents or DIL and ask what their problem with you is? However, it's possible that could start a war from which it would be difficult to recover from.

Other than that, it's maybe a better idea to 'wait it out' and do what you can to help find them a place of their own (if that's what they want).

I hope that things settle for you.

Your situation sounds difficult all round and I understand your hurt feelings. I'm guessing there are a lot of termoil and hurt feelings for your son and DIL too. You say they are living with DIL parents and that her dad displays dismissive and rude behaviour to you and your younger son. I'd be asking myself WHAT does S & DIL have to deal with every day? What behaviour, silence, words, atmosphere, messages are they dealing with. Spoken and un-spoken messages such as disapproval - you should do it my way - don't do it or that and so on. All this is hard to deal with as I'm sure you know from your own experience. DIL is dealing with figuring out being a new mum, living in her parents house, trying to please them or just keep the peace where she is living and juggling a relationship with your son, he's juggling all these feelings too. Sadly you and GS can be sticks to beat your S & DIL with. Someone suggested taking DIL out for a break, nice idea if it can be done and may be find out just how hard it is for her and your S to navigate life where they are living. May be you can find a way to help you and them feel less hurt as you clearly care very much. Good luck xxx

One of my DIL's couldn't cope when we visited (3 hours drive) and I offered to take the baby for a walk- at the time, her anxiety was so great that she couldn't cope with the baby being out of her sight. Everything fine now.

I agree that it sounds like DIL is suffering from PND or at least is depressed about her living arrangements. Her mum's attitude isn't helping either. I remember when mine were little, I wouldn't let them out of my sight and the only person I would leave them with was my mum, but then only very briefly. I remember my SIL volunteering to babysit, I was horrified and felt like she wanted to kidnap my baby! Just continue to let her know you will be there whenever needed and sit back and wait. Try to get your son to get her to see a doctor.

Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that a gran seems desperate to take a small baby out on their own. I certainly didn't want my MiL taking my newborn away, I wanted to keep him close all the time. With my own GC I would babysit of course if asked, but I would rather see my GC with their families ( my family as well).

I think that you should not have the baby without his mother present. My daughter's MIL wanted the baby left with her for one afternoon a week and she was very resentful when this was politely declined. Inside my daughter was ready to rip her head off and I had quite a time calming her down. My daughter kept saying he's my baby not hers and I don't want him taken away even for a few minutes. I understood and had to tell my counterpart that she wasn't having him. I sugared the pill by saying that they were welcome to visit but to let me know since we may be busy. My daughter also lives with me along with her husband. So my recommendation is to retire quietly. Tell the baby's mother that you're very sorry that you've upset her. Tell her that she is the baby's mother and that it is entirely up to her as to who gets to visit her son. Perhaps this granny could buy some sleepsuits in a larger size as a present.

Which post are you replying to with that question?

Annis51 I think perhaps your DD might consider the fact that the baby is not just hers but is in fact part of her husband who has a mother who would like to spend time with her GS. I would have been very upset if I had to visit my DGC in other granny's house all the time. I agree that the MIL does not have the right to request GC on her own every week but is it not possible for your D and SIL to visit his mother with the baby at her house for a few hours so that she could get the chance to be a granny too. Seems only fair to me (unless of course MIL is some sort of monster who can't be allowed near the baby at any cost )

nanahanna sorry, I got sidetracked. Could you not ask your DIL to visit you with the baby for a few hours? I can understand why a new mum (or any mum for that matter) would worry about the baby being away from her for any length of time but if she came too that might be better. Good luck anyway.

I think time is the answer. I know every case is different but I didn't have my DGCs on my own very much when they were tiny but now they are both 2. I am asked for sleepovers almost every weekend! I often have to say no as I am too busy! Be patient.

Probably need to be very patient and supportive and expect nothing in return. Maybe you DIL needs some independent support following the birth. I do hope it sorts out and you are all able to enjoy the new baby.

From the OP it sounds as though the baby is at least 7/8 months old, so not a newborn.

Sounds like there's a lot of other stuff going on here.
Possibly depression.
Some women 'think' they want a close relative for a birthing partner, then hate the fact that they were there at such a vulnerable time.
Some mums are told by others that it would be nice to have a break from the baby, but actually, they don't feel that at all.
She may well feel very uncomfortable at her mum's home, and worse when you are there. Heaven knows what her mum says!
Nearly 40 years ago, I hated anyone taking my baby, even for a few minutes, and I hated having the 2 grans in the same room as me. If I had to live with one of them I would have been miserable.

Let your son know that you will do what you can to be helpful, and will be led by him and his wife.

I'm wondering if the resentment from the in-laws goes back to when their daughter moved in with you..? How old was she then? Did you take her to the pub when she was under age? I would feel a bit cheesed off if my daughter had moved in with her in-laws and her mil had encouraged her to have a tattoo. Who knows?
I do agree with those who suggest you standing back for a while.
Good luck.

Hi Nanahana, I had PNA after the birth of my first son. I was so anxious, I was terrified to let him out of my sight, even if he was with his dad. For me, the anxiety finally wore off after the birth of my second son. Suddenly, with two precious sons, I wanted everyone to share in my joy (of course, not to the extent that they were out of my sight for very long, and only with my parents or my husband's - but it was a start). Hang on in there, luv.

It sounds like the young mum is living in a fairly hostile situation, with her own mother who refuses to mind the baby while she has a shower and her father who thinks it's fine to blank an 8-year old child.
As others said, who knows what pressures she is experiencing while living there.
Difficult as it feels for you, Nanahana, you need to not make any demands on your DiL.
Stop expecting to take the baby out but don't withdraw contact altogether. That would be like "ghosting" which is very hurtful. Just try to get back to the friendly relationship you used to have with your DiL, and don't make the baby your focus of attention.

Quite a few of the recent posts have, I think, put the finger on it. A lot of new mums get very anxious about their babies being taken away even by caring grannies, a very normal reaction if you think about it. Once they have 2 or 3 others, they are usually quite glad of the help.

The suggestion that DIL come to you with the baby occasionally may work better if you used to have a good relationship beforehand.

DD3 was left by her H when she was pregnant. He reappeared again to play at being a 'good daddy' after the baby was born. His mother wanted him brought to her about twice a week for the day. DD got very distressed about this. She had to abandon breast feeding and provide bottles. As there were smokers in the house, she used to say her baby didn't smell like hers when he was brought back. Because of all this and the problems with her H, she had difficulties bonding with the little one until he was about 2. I was so sad for her. Could see what was happening but powerless to stop it.

Judthepud. What your daughter went through sounds horrific.
When was this?
Because no court in the UK would have ever made her do that. Please tell her that she can refuse.
I bet there was a lot of bullying going on your poor daughter.

K8tie post has nailed it I think. You are showing the support that she wants from her own mother and she is not getting it and most likely grieving about that. She may resent you because of this. It is totally unfair/irrational and not your fault AT ALL but as we all know feelings are what they are and not always rational. Add possible PND and their difficult living situation into the mix does not make for a happy DIL.
I would stop the taking baby out alone, support DIL by offering to take her out, with or without baby, do things for her. I well remember the feeling invisible as a new mother and that I didn't matter, it was all about the baby. If she doesn't want to go out or do anything with you just accept it for now, quietly keep offering support to her and let her know you are there for her anytime, it's a waiting game I think.

Giving one's grown-up daughter, her partner, and their baby a home counts as support in my book.

I couldn't bear to let my baby out of my sight for an afternoon at that age, there's no way I'd have let anyone take him for whole afternoon.

It was the beginning of the post which rang a few warning bells for me. Being such a close friend to your daughter in law is too close in my opinion.

Familiarity breeds contempt- so the saying goes. After being so fiendly she's finding it hard to give up her baby for a whole afternoon. I agree with GrannyO, I wouldn't have felt comfortable letting my baby out of my sight at a few months old.
Stand back and wait for him to grow up. She will be more than willing to give hime up for a few hours when he is older.

I think its quite normal for a new mum not to want anyone to 'take the baby' anywhere. New mums are so protective and often don't trust anyone else to look after baby properly. I think you should just be content with visits and maybe pram rides.

Crafting Well I wanted my SIL mother to have contact with his baby and tried to get her involved from the start. She was most reluctant. Didn't want to celebrate the 'getting pregnant' in case she lost it for instance. Pretty ridiculous since the consultant had said that the pregnancy was fine and that we could. She did come to see the baby when he was in NICU but then she ran out of the room when she saw him in tears which neither of the baby's parents needed. If I had been there I would have given her a piece of my mind but I deliberately kept out of the way so as not be considered controlling or bossy. Needless to say DD rang up on her mobile in floods of tears. SIL was here ill in bed so she was on her own. Things just went from bad to worse until I rang them up and said are you going to take an interest in the only grandchild you're likely to have???? They live less than 2 miles away. They did turn up but the baby took one look and screamed his head off which didn't help. He was 10 months by then. He's now 4 and I have made a consistent effort to get them over and the boy will now go to his Grandpa and accept a cuddle. His other granny he avoids if he can and she isn't toddler competent. Unfortunately this woman is very lazy about housework and her house is revolting. Really, really filthy and this is why my DD makes a big fuss if the children go there. My SIL is not allowed to take them there because it is so dirty. The lino was put down 35 years ago and is in shreds. It is never washed. They keep sheep and leave their mucky boots next to the Aga so it stinks. Grandpa smells too so it is awful. Grandpa has a wash before he comes here though. My SIL hasn't told them so it is awkward. I think that leaving the baby with them when he was small would have been impossible. He weighed 4lbs 5oz at birth and was in NICU for a fortnight. He was on 8 feeds a day when they let him out. He was very fragile. They were invited to come and see him and when she came (he was 3 weeks) she didn't even look at him just chated to 'her' son. They did attend his Christening but she only got to hold him because his godfather's wife handed him to her much to my DD's horror. He immediately started to cry and she bounced him up and down his poor little head wobbling. I think that she was holding him too upright and definitely too tight. Anyway it was time for his bottle so I scooped him up and took him away to change him. Apparently there were protests but my better-half said that the baby was upset so it was better for him not to be held by strangers if it upset him and he came first. My DD arrived in tears and said Oh well done Mummy. I handed him to her and then the bottle and left her to it. Other Granny was moaning about it and I told her quite firmly that it was her own fault. The poor baby didn't know her and that she had been invited several times and she had always had something else to do. This is the result. We didn't hear from them for over 3 months. So I do know what it is like to have to cope with in laws.
In relation to babies you have to go with the mum. If you want to have contact with your grandchild you have to make an effort to get on with the parents. It is more difficult for the mother of the father to get on with her DIL rather than the other way round. My DD gets on with her FIL fine. He's a farmer and knows that you take the sheep's lamb from her and she'll become aggressive. After all there are almost no FIL jokes are there? Unless sole charge contact is offered you can't expect it. Often the parents of the father buy the pram or at least a very nice gift. DD got a pair of bootees from the hospital shop which cost £2. They were very sweet and he did wear them a lot. I took a special photo of him wearing them and gave it to them in a silver frame. They have it on display in their sitting room. You can just about see it amongst all the mess. I tried to discuss what they were going to give the baby but they would only discuss it with their son. When he mentioned it they said well let's wait and see if he makes it or not - he's not been born yet. Very encouraging. He mentioned it again after the birth and she said oh I expect your MIL has bought everything already which I had not. He gave up when he really should have said No she hasn't and can't you make an effort even if it is just to write a cheque. Things have got better sort of. They have now offered to babysit but the boy won't be left with them. He cries if it is mentioned. He says Granny don't go and he hangs onto my leg. This is only if it is suggested not if we are there. Anyway DD has now got a job so I have the boy after school which is easier than them collecting him. Besides there is all the bother of another car seat another £300 since ours won't fit their car because it doesn't have isofix.
I think that babies should stay with their mothers. The in laws have to make a conscious effort to be nice to their DIL and not to 'take the baby away' for even a second. Wait to be asked.

Not sure what to say really. I can understand that the in-laws are not quite as one would hope. I too would not want a child (let alone baby ) going to a filthy house. I would also think that it sounds as though they are not making much of an effort to see their grandchild, whereas most GP couldn't wait to visit. They also seem to have been very wary to accept that their grandson would live and trying not to get to close but that seems very wrong to me as a grandchild is the most precious thing and wherther anything goes wrong or not most people can't help caring and loving the baby even before it's born. So yes, I can understand a lot of what you are saying and the other GP sound far from ideal. However, if you had taken my DGC from me when I was holding them and taken the child away to feed or change him, I would have been very upset. I would also have thought it was a bit much you asking me what I was going to buy for the baby.

I expect (truthfully, I am not being sarcastic) that you are a really good mum and granny. But you and your daughter seem to be quite happy looking after the baby on your own. Perhaps your SIL (and his wife) could take his child to visit with his mum and dad somewhere (maybe not their home) where the child could get used to being with them a bit. Of course your DGS cries when left with them. So did my DGD (I never let her be with me on her own until I felt she would be happy) she always was happy with her other granny. I was very lucky in that my DIL knew that I loved my DGD and did all she could to help my DGD realise I was not the ogre she thought I was. My DGD now loves spending time with me and we are very close but only because her mum worked through the situation with me (I never did anything to make my DGD dislike me, she was just very shy and did not get to see as much of me as other granny). Sorry, long post. I hope it works out for you all.