I'm a new nana, and have problems with DIL. We got on great until the baby was born.

Sorry, the reply was to Annis51

What a frustrating situation, nanahana!I get that you're hurt and disappointed! So sorry about that! (((Hugs!)))

I think the others have given you a lot of good advice. Could be a lot is going on here - DIL resenting the fact that her mom won't help out more and, as K8tie suggested, the fact that you will instead. DIL feeling like a baby machine that no one sees as a person anymore (I was thrilled to have people fuss over my babies, but some women aren't). DIL just not being comfortable with anyone taking her baby anywhere as yet. Pressure from DS/her DH to allow it even so. Tensions between her and her parents that put her on edge. Maybe PND/A. And some of the fallout is landing on you, unfortunately.

I hope you don't feel as if she trusts her parents more than you. Baby is only around them cuz she and DS and baby are living there. If they weren't, I'll bet she wouldn't let them take baby either.

So I agree that you need to respect DIL's current wishes and just go back to visiting once a week, as uncomfortable as it may be. Please consider that DIL's mom and sisters are there cuz they live there, not cuz they're watching you.

Her dad's behavior is horrible though especially towards your 8-yr-old! Why subject him to that? Can you make other arrangements for him when you go to see baby?

I also think the idea of inviting DIL and GS to visit you, sometimes, is a good one. But please accept it gracefully if she declines or says she can only come when DS is with her.

I'm absolutely gutted by my dils actions. Her mum is a 'he's your baby not mine' grandparent and I'm trying to turn that to my advantage.

Nanahana. As other posters have said, give it time, people and situations do change. I've had ups and downs with my grandchildren's mothers but with my trying to see their point of view and sometimes backing off it's all gradually worked out, so far! Just make sure your grandson always knows who you are and that you care about him. All the best, you've got the support and wisdom of Gransnet behind you! ?

Crafting
Totally agree with your reply to Annis51.

While the 'other grandparents' do sound far from ideal , I too get the feeling that maternal gran and her DD, far from making an effort to include them, have simply gone through the motions of inviting them to 'does', which no doubt theyve organised to their liking, but left pat gran with no role, and that they both like it this way. I feel sorry for pat gran, despite her dirty house and alleged incompetence (how on earth did she manage to raise her son that DD loves?)

For any suggestion that they should buy a gift for the baby to come from mat gran was utterly inappropriate. The only person who had a right to ask for a gift was their own son, and even then only if he knew they could afford it. Likewise mat gran had no right to snatch the baby off her, only the parents have the right to do that.

No matter what dil's motives, you need to respect her wishes, nanahana. It's nice of you to want to give her a break, but she doesn't want it, not from you. If you don't step back, you might find yourself cut off altogether. I wouldn't want to see that happen.

I don't get that business, Annie, about suggesting the pat gran bring a gift. Didn't she give a gift when baby was born or for a Christening or what have you? Was your dd complaining about a lack of gifts? This just doesn't make sense to me.

Oh, sorry, Annie, I misread. I see the pat gps were planning to buy a gift but refused to discuss it with you. I can't blame them for wanting to discuss it with sil instead. He's their ds AND the baby's father/parent. Baby lives at your house, but you're not baby's parent and, imo, have no say over what baby needs or can have.

Other than that, I think you have been wonderful in trying to involve the pat gps. Their attitude is awful - just like their home, apparently. Now you need to back off and let dd and sil work out their relationship with the mat gps on their own.

I don't blame you for grabbing baby when he was obviously upset. Really, dd or sil should have done it, but they didn't, so good on you for stepping up! Sure, pat gran was upset, but baby felt better and dd was grateful. That's what matters.

Dd needs to get more of a backbone as a parent though. Sil too. Perhaps you should tell them that you're backing off and that. from now on, it's THEIR job to stand up for their baby. But could you go through with it if they dropped the ball again? Maybe not.

The OP said:

So, I've known my DIL since she was 15, she's lived with us too, we've always got on brilliantly together, shopping, lunching, pubbing lol, we always got our hair done together, we got tattoos together. I'm just giving you some background really, and me and my son were her birthing partners.

Cannot help but wonder if the extraordinarily close relationship you had with your sons girlfriend didnt p* the hell out of her mother, especially if, as a truculent teen, the girl may well have used her relationship with you to manipulate her mother. It sounds frankly like a weirdly close friendship not respecting boundaries, and having you present at the birth, if she excluded her own mum, must have deeply hurt her mum.

Of course its a shock that she's now turned somewhat hostile, but given the background I am not surprised if her mum dislikes you, and is discouraging contact, and perhaps the girl, looking back, regrets the closeness she had with you.

Its really tough on you of course, as your motives at the time, were presumably, based on a liking for the girl, and enjoyment of her company, but perhaps with the benefit of hindsight, you can see the hurt that you probably caused.
Is there anything you can do to heal the relationship with your co grandma? I think that may be critical here.