Practical advice

Teachers and others used to say this about one of my DDs - she doesn't speak up inj class. And I used to ask whether she behaved, did her work, was good mannered and kind - they would say yes to all that; so I used to tell them that I was entirely happy with that.

It is not uncommon at this age for children to be shy and I think the least said, soonest mended. Drawing attention to it will make her feel worse. Do not try to cajole her into things - she will get there when she is ready. Go our with her and have some fun together and she will gradually come out of her shell.

Taking a CV in to someone and blagging your way into a job is a HUGE ask!

out

Great idea Pheonix! ?

Oh sorry ..... Didn't read the above thoroughly - I see she's afraid of dogs. A good idea in other circumstances though Pheonix! Sorry again for being a dingbat!

I was a very shy child too, so I understand your granddaughter's situation. One thing which helped me immensely was volunteering at a local hospital for long-term geriatric patients. I did it via my school, and it brought me out of my shell so much that I ended up organising a whole team of students who went by coach every Wednesday afternoon. I used to help with whatever was needed...folding laundry, serving tea, helping to feed patients who could not help themselves. This was back in the early 1970s, so legislation about what is allowed may well have changed, but worth enquiring? Local rest homes might have people who would love a visit from a younger person, too. A few months of doing something like that might give your granddaughter the confidence to seek paid work. I hope she finds a way through her shyness.

Please don't start making more of an issue than it is because it only seems to be the one area (paid employment) that she isn't confident in getting started on.

Is there someone who could offer her some work, just temporary,( feeding cats or watering plants while they are away) or could she have post card in shop window offering to do errands, I think once she has had a go at something, she will like the independence of earning money so much that she may overcome shyness.

I have been listening to a series on radio 4 extra about people who had paper rounds and how much that little earning experience did for them. She is still quite young, keep an eye op en for something her mum could do with her to get her started, leaflet distributing or a bit of grass cutting........wish she lived near me I often need just the occasiona errand sorting and a sensible girl woud be a great help.

Try taking out shopping where you 'bump into' one of your friends who had been primed to make eye contact, shake her hand and ask her open questions 'Where are you off to today? ' 'What's do you like best about school?
Secondly you or mum must be able to find someone who desperately needs a short-term helping hand (local pre-school short handed one day, OAP needs shopping done etc)

My daughter was exactly the same at that age. She is now nearly 40 and has overcome some of her shyness but not all and is still not very confident. I am afraid it is a personality trait which she has got from her father. I used to suffer for her and her teachers could not understand her and couldn't really help. She didn't go out when all her friends went as they didn't ask her to go! I just found I had to be there for her and try to boost her confidence as well as I could. She has now found herself a lovely man and is starting to gain a little more confidence but has still to find her niche where her career is concerned although she is extremely intelligent and has a good law degree. She is making up for lost time now though by travelling and spending quality time with her partner. I am sorry that this isn't more help but just to let you know there are other people out there with the same problems.

BlueBelle - My youngest grand daughter is also 14. You could be writing about her.

Definitely not OTT to talk to the doctor about this, they are able to refer you on to therapists. If they can't help the school should have access to educational psychologists

how about we all just allow her to be shy and anxious in some situations - because thats a perfectly normal response - instead of continually saying its 'wrong to be/feel like that' or not to be like that.

only then when we have accepted what is - may we be able to change it - if we actually want to - and when we are ready.

in the meantime lets do all we can to build up confidence in grandchildren by offering them acceptance and understanding.

Exactly, Rizlett.

I found N.L.P.really helpful. And it is something that u can use for the rest of your life.

14 is such a difficult age and things do get better for most young people in time as they adjust to the changes we all have to go through. My own mother encouraged me at the same age to join a local drama group which helped a lot - I even ended up studying it as one of my main subjects at university - and it helped in the workplace, too, when I had to present information to people in groups. Ballet or other forms of dance sounds like a good idea to me - it gives you confidence in your body which helps self-image (often so low at this age).

But if these sorts of things don't help, I wouldn't write off counselling.
A G.P.does not need to get involved herself/himself, but can provide a referral to someone who is B.A.C. qualified and who has training in psychology rather than medicine.A referral means you don't have to pay through the nose for the sessions as you would if you were going direct. We all need help at difficult times of our lives. I have had good reason to be eternally grateful to one counsellor, who helped my then 16 year old son to see the world differently. He is now a happy, outgoing and independent adult.

Drama groups are amazing at giving children confidence. She may not want to go at first - my GS cried buckets before his first trip & then couldn't wait to get to the next session Make sure the teachers understand the situation.
She will blossom before your eyes.

BlueBelle
You're describing me at the same age, very bright, lots of friends, but absolutely no self confidence at all.
Please, please don't even consider a Dr, Psychologist, or Therapist, she doesn't have any mental health issues, she's just a shy kid!
The thing that cured me was when my mum took me to see an old lady who she'd worked with many years before. Miss Lewis was a very small, frail, quietly spoken woman, and she didn't try to force me into joining in conversation, but told me that I could wander off and have a look around her house if I wanted.
I loved it, she was very old fashioned, her house was 'trapped in time' and being allowed to look around by myself was great!
Then, slowly but surely, mum started asking me to "pop around to Miss Lewis, she needs a bit of shopping done". Gradually, I started helping her out more and more, not realising at all that my confidence was growing all the time.
It took a few years, but now I'm a very confident person (have occasional shy moments, but hide them really well) and am nothing at all like that shy teenager,
She just needs to find the one thing which she enjoys so much she'll fight her shyness to enable her to do it.
A frind of mine was worried sick about her daughter's shyness, but encouraged her to volunteer at her local hospital, on the children's ward, she loved it, and never looked back. She's a well known paediatrician now, and absolutely loves her work, so it's just a case of 'finding the one thing'!
I wish her loads of luck for the future, she's young, gorgeous, no aches and pains, lots of energy, she needs to realise how lucky she is and enjoy her youth!

Thanks for the posts and ideas I think drama group would be great but as well as shy she is very strong minded and dare I say somewhat stubborn
I was certainly not thinking of any interventions at this stage when I wrote the original post mainly just a few yes my daughter son grand daughter etc went through that and came out the other side
I am in no way trying to 'change' her Rizlet I never bring the subject up that's her mums business I was just trying to think of anything helpful to encourage her and I ve certainly never told her it's wrong so you re rather jumping to conclusions there and I think by being aware that she isn't yet comfortable in her own skin I am being understanding
Anyway thanks everyone maybe she ll surprise us and drama will happen at some point

I'm with rizlett on this one. The pressure of not succeeding in applying won't improve anything. Let her be shy for a while longer. She doesn't need to get a job at 14 and there seems to be lots of "she won't" in response to all the help that is offered in the post. My DGD was shy and reluctant to do anything that involved putting a focus on her, but then, since there was no 6th form at her school she HAD to apply to college and go for an interview. I've no idea how she plucked up courage but when it really mattered, she did it independently. Hope the OP's poster gets a break both from pressure and in finding something she'd like to do.

Teachers talk about children not speaking up in class - but then only choose the children who put their hands up or who they know are confident and likely to know the answer. I had one teacher who literally taught to one student.
Telling me that I should speak up more only made me more conscience of it (and I also didn't like doing what I was told to).
I don't really know how I got over it so can't give any advice, but I did after I started work at 17. I know it is a cliché but 14 is a difficult age. It is the age that my parents decided that we were going to emigrate to Canada which did not make life easy.
Can she not post her CV in or send it in by email?

Yes, BlueBelle, I do have experience of a young person like your GD. You could be describing me at her age. I can identify with the utter panic that grips your brain and your tongue in social situations. For me, this had its roots in a terrible lack of self esteem.
I think there is great hope for her dealing with this herself, because of her drive in getting the better of her dyslexia and her frustration with herself which indicates a recognition that she needs to deal with this. From between the lines I get a sense of an independent spirit who wants to help herself. In your further post you recount how she helped her brother by asking for a refund in a shop. This is a good sign too, and maybe her route out of this seemingly crippling shyness is to help others in some way, particularly if she feels their lot is worse than her own. Tap into her compassion.
I wish now - looking back - that I could have had advice from a counsellor who wasn't known to me or my family. Someone who could have given me strategies for coping with the panic. The trick is in finding such a person and a way for her to access them. I don't think - looking back - that I would have wanted anyone to make a production number out of it.
I did get past it in time when I learned to think outside my self, to focus on the needs of others. Drama sounds a possible and hopeful way forward if one or two of her friends would ask her to go with them.
Meanwhile - lots of praise to boost her self esteem and to help her know that others think well of her too, and - I can tell she's getting this from you - loving support from all the family. She will pass on that understanding and be kind when she meets this extreme shyness in others.
I so wish her, and you, success in dealing with this. It can be done.

About the "Not speaking up in class" I'm old enough to remember when the best children were the ones who kept quiet and only spoke when they were spoken to or asked a question directly, anything else was considered 'pushy'.

Has your granddaughter done her school initiated work experience yet? 14 is about the age they do it. If she chooses something she is really interested in and shows she has an aptitude then she may get offered some work by them. For instance my younger daughter likes animals and she went to a cattery/rescue centre and was offered a weekend job with them following her school work placement week. Other places to try are hairdressers, nurseries, charity shops etc. The more she has contact with the general public the more confidence she will gain especially if she has some successes. Also, if she could be persuaded to join another club or help with a club (Rainbows/Brownies/Church Sunday School maybe as she was a scout herself). Any charity group would usually be glad of extra voluntary help.

No they don't do it at her school Quizqueen that would have been marvellous for her such a shame
We ve tried all the voluntary/ group/ helping stuff ..... and no ....perhaps another year on Can but hope

Isn't it funny how times change Trisher

If your GD is so confident in the next town, perhaps she could try to find a job there? No-one knows her nor prejudges her - so that might help...

It is difficult for young people under 16 to get even voluntary work.
My DGD is doing the DOE and to volunteer is part of what she needs to do, but so far as mentioned by others, she has no chance of finding anything. She is almost 15

BlueBelle, I do hope your DGD conquers her fears. ???