Practical advice

Drama sounds like a good idea on the surface, but don't forget she may have to say her lines in front of people. If you are shy to begin with I would think that was impossible. There are plenty of jobs in the background, such as painting scenery for example.

One thing that would give her enormous confidence is to go on a Leadership course. She would learn to do all sorts of things, with other people and on her own, that she thought she would never, ever do. Maybe she could go with a friend or relative? Does she like animals? If so she could volunteer to look after them. Does she like children and did she enjoy junior school? If so why not volunteer to help the teacher out giving out the books and getting the things ready for the class. Does she enjoy Guides? They do some excellent courses to help children gain confidence. Or she could join the Red Cross/St Johns perhaps. That would give her confidence and she would meet new people.

I hope she finds something that suits her. I know how she feels, I used to be just the same at her age, and I hated having to give talks or presentations. I used to shake in my shoes and sweat for England with fright. Encouragement is the way to go. The more she sees she can do things she thought impossible, the more she will gain confidence.

Another option is Adventure Scouts, yes, girls go too. Or the ATC. My GS started going to CCF and he loves it! They have girls too. They sometimes go on trips away such as canoeing and sailing, she would be with youngsters like herself. Doesn't cost much at all and he changed from a very self-conscious boy in to someone who has now taken on the role of Sgt Instructor! He had to pass tests of course. They also do the Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Maybe one of her friends is in the school choir and could persuade her to go along. Singing in a group builds confidence and the spotlight isn't on the individual. If she's unwilling to give anything a go , then you just have to tell her she'll have to shelve any idea of a job for a while ( she's still very young) until she's confident enough to apply for one. Don't make a big deal of it and continue to encourage her.

grannypiper You must be very proud of your GS. He sounds like a real nice boy. Great tactics you employed there.

Blue Bell, try not to worry about your GS because she will make her own way. I must say she sounds confident to me if she can go in a shop and ask for a refund. If she can find something she can do with her friends she will gradually come out of her shell.

There is so much emphasis on tv and in magazines for girls to look like stick insects/models, does she realise that the photos are sometimes photo-shopped to make them look better? All warts, fat legs and bums can be covered up. If you saw a model in the street you probably would not recognise them.

NOT a good idea to put a label round her neck I don't think. No point going to the doctor's surgery unless the shyness takes over her life. She sounds to me like any other teenager of that age, and also she sounds quite capable of making her own way in life without too much help from anyone else. One thing she must NOT do is sit in her room, on her own, fretting about how she cannot face this, or that, or how she looks 'hideous' (hate that word, but some youngsters don't like the way they look even if they are the prettiest thing you could ever wish to see). Magazines have a lot to answer for. Small steps to begin with, then bigger ones, then strides! :-)

suzied A choir sounds good! I used to belong to my school choir and we sang in York Minster in a Festival of Carols. You are not the one in the spotlight so you do not feel embarrassed. They usually have tea and biscuits so a tiny little bit of socialising might be involved which would be just the thing that could bring her out of her shell.

This is me 50 years ago, and still today. Don't push her. Get her to rehearse what she will say when she goes to the corner shop to ask for a Saturday job. Get her to sit in front of a mirror and practice it. Then go with her to the end of the road, and let her do it herself, if she can.

I would resist all suggestions on here that she seek help for anxiety. That makes it into something it is not. She is a young girl who isn't yet terribly confident, surrounded, no doubt, by lots of friends who are bold and brave. She doesn't have to be like them to be a good and useful person.

Why does everyone want to change her into something she is not? Doctors, choirs, and the rest are unnecessary. A bit of family confidence-building for this one task is all that is needed, otherwise it gets blown into a real crisis, that is best avoided.

I never spoke out in class, was terrified. I left with excellent O-levels, and became a qualified accountant. I ended up giving talks to hundreds of people at conferences, and am now afraid of nothing. I'm on several committees and have no problem contributing well. If anyone had suggested I needed some sort of therapy at age 14, they could well have ruined my life. The only sad thing is that she is upset about it. The solution to me is to maker her realise that it's OKAY to not be bold and brave at her age. Not everyone is. Let her be as she is, offer a little help, and see how it goes. Do not try to change her personality, and do not try to get her interested in things that she isn't.

Hooray thanks for that madmeg Just what I wanted to hear there is no intention to take to doctors or counsellors or anything medical ( and we can't 'make' her join anything she's very strong minded in her own quiet way) I just thought a few practical tips from anyone who had similar would be nice to hear she is a beautiful and very clever kid who has been through a lot but your post has given me hope that she will find her own way out of it and even if she's a late starter she ll get there

She has never had any pressure put on her at home she is very supported with her leading the way it was her own frustration at not being 'able' to do what she wanted that led me to write but your post is very helpful thank you

No one is saying gd should turn into a social butterfly or the most outspoken kid in class. But "crippled by shyness?" "crippled by embarrasment?" That shouts, "Needs counseling!" to me. The fact that she can speak up for her brother but not herself just highlights the fact that she has some serious self esteem issues.

Counseling won't change her basic personality and again, no one here is suggesting that. A good counselor might very well tell her that she doesn't have to be "bold and brave." But they could help her sort out her feelings and become a little more confident, just enough to deal with common things like asking about a job or inviting a friend out. What's wrong with that? How could that "ruin" her life?

But it's up to her mum and dad, of course. Meanwhile, Madmeg's suggestions do sound helpful.

Well said Madmeg. There is nothing wrong with being shy! She is mature, sensible and reliable, she has friends and her school work is above average. She has a problem that will solve itself with time.
Doctors, therapists are unnecessary and like Madmeg I think that would have blown it up out of all proportion and would have ruined my life - although that might sound a bit dramatic I would have found it difficult to forgive my parents in later life. I didn't volunteer anything in class and teachers drawing attention to it just made me far worse!
Just support her, tell her it is quite normal, lots of people feel the same. There is no need to push her into things or let her hide away- just treat it as perfectly normal and make small steps - giving help if she wants some.
I had this trouble with my son at school and some teachers not understanding the shy child - I kept pointing out that it can't be forced- it just comes with time. I remember his 6 th form tutor wondering how he would cope at university and me saying he would be absolutely fine- which he was. He now travels the world with his job, speaks to all sorts of people, gives presentations etc.
I hated being a teenager-it is a difficult age and I was much happier in my 20s but I was probably about 28yrs before I felt fully confident.
If she had no friends, no desire to get a part time job and was completely isolated then a therapist might be a good suggestion but she is merely a lovely girl who isn't confident at the moment. Telling her that she has a problem, forcing her into interests that she doesn't have and making her feel abnormal is hardly going to help build confidence!!

I see that she is 'strong-minded' - good for her, it is a very useful attribute.
I can identify quite strongly with her - take the lead from her- foster her interests and give her useful tips, if she wants them- other than that just keep communicating and being a loving support.
I think that a lot of the mental problems suffered by the young are to do with social media and being on display- having to be successful in all things and being popular- it causes huge angst even among those who can put on a good front.
If it crops up naturally you could point out the very successful people in the media etc who are naturally quite shy and private people.
We live in a world where the extrovert is seen as being superior to the introvert. I will try and find a link to a very good talk on it.

here is the link It is American but worth watching.

Lots of good advice on here.

I love the poster!

I haven't read all the comments here but I did just want to agree with you Bluebelle that it would be a shame to medicalise her shyness. I do worry that there is a move towards this in so many cases. It is very normal to be shy at that age. I was, and in fact I'm still shy now. It's painful at the time, because we tend to think that everyone else is more confident than we are ourselves. Actually, in reminiscing with old friends, they have said that they weren't nearly as confident as I had thought they were at the time!

She is lucky to have you caring for her, and looking for ideas to help her.

For what it's worth, although I just said I'm shy, I think really I just don't need a lot of company. Therefore I've never felt that building a social network was that important. I'm quite capable of being friendly and warm with people. I just choose to do it on a very limited basis!


I chose to do a paper round when I was a teen, because I loved the empty streets and peace and quiet in the mornings. My best friend at the time chose to be a Saturday girl (as they were known at the time) in a hairdresser's because of all the bustle and chat. Neither of us could have stood the other job.

In our local museum they are looking for volunteers to catalogue old newspapers, so that the public can search them online. It doesn't involve much face to face contact with people. I appreciate it's an unpaid job, whereas she wants a paid one, but perhaps she could start with something like that and it would build her confidence and her CV to a point where she could move on to something else. Also, lots of museum staff are friendly but quiet people. I speak from years of experience! I'd recommend it as a good place to work for the quiet types.