Wondering if it's time to say I won't be watching my granddaughter anymore

I looked after my GD for 40+ hours a week until she started school. My DiL would give me a written list of her routine but it was only ever meant as a guide not something I had to stick rigidly to. What baby ever does that?! I did a lot of smiling and nodding too! We had a lot of fun and she looks forward to "Granny Days" in the school holidays now. There's been a lot of good advice here. I hope it all works out ok for you

I would explain how you feel about being criticised all the time and do they think baby would benefit being in PAID child care as you DO SO MANY THINGS WRONG I agree with others that if faced with having to pay they may look at how they are treating you you sound a very encouraging and patient gran hope you can sort this problem out without too many arguments.

Initially, my DIL gave me a very detailed daily typewritten list of my DGS routine, feeds etc. I bit my tongue and put this down to her being a very anxious first time mum. She used to cross examine me when she arrived back to pick up DGS, until one day, I said " I have brought up three children, all under five at one point, nursed one son through a number of serious illnesses, taught hundreds children for a very long time, with no serious mishaps. I think I know what I am doing.
Now she just drops baby off, no lists, no criticism, saying "I know gran will have made lots of home made goodies for you, you will have lots of fun and a great time."
If she continued to criticise now, I would be saying something.
Harleysnana you are doing a great job, but your daughter sounds very ungrateful. It will get worse if you don't stand up to them. Am I correct in assuming they cannot afford childcare? If this is so, they are not going to stop you looking after Harley. Call their bluff, explain how you feel. I know, it's easier said than done. You need a life too. Take care, you are no use to anyone unwell.
I have to say, the vegan diet worries me at such an important stage in Harley's development.

An aside - my DGS is an accidental vegan due to numerous and ever confusing allergies. He is under the care of an NHS consultant and a dietician. Both are full of admiration for the way his mother (an omnivore) has coped in finding an imaginative diet and by his health in general. He is full of beans (literally) and loves his food. I too am filled with admiration for her. So it is perfectly possible to bring up a child healthily on a vegan diet. But that's not the point here. I too would be telling the parents they are out of order, in no uncertain terms.

Alternatively, you could present them with a set of your rules in your house, e.g.

1. I don't wake a sleeping baby unless she is in danger or needs medication.
2. If she is cranky when she is with me I deal with it in my way.

etc.

You don't need many. Good luck.

Not sure I could even entertain taking on a baby with an imposed vegan diet so you're doing brilliantly already.

If all else fails, show them this thread and tell them Grans Know!

Does seem that its a very one sided arrangement Harleysnana, I wouldn't stop helping altogether but reduce the time you give to your family. You need to have your own life and interests.
Your help is taken for granted and unappreciated, time for them to look for some nursery time and pay for care.

Totally agree with thatbags

That of course is exactly what the OP ought to say, I agree!

Sorry, I meant daughter, not son.

I would say: "I want you to stop interrogating me. I'm doing you a favour that would cost you a lot if someone else did it. How about a bit of appreciation instead of constant criticism?"

And to your son: "I brought you up. I can't have done such a bad job or you'd never have asked me to look after your daughter."

The expression "Take no shit" is one of my life's mottos. They are giving you shit. Tell them to stop it.

You are doing them a massive favour and saving them a fortune, they should be grateful! If you pay for childcare you can be demanding, if someone is doing you a favour then you trust them.

I was always so grateful for any help that I got. when I picked dd up she would be a wild, sugar filled creature but she had had so much fun, learnt so many things that I wouldn't have the time for.

Speak to your family and be firm, you are doing a great job and deserve praise, not criticism.

You sound a very patient and caring person, yes pull back to agreed boundries. If you have offerred to care for her whilst they work in the day time, it is not reasonable to expect you to cover their social life, they have a baby and life changes and many parents have to forgo their previous social life.

Could you also suggest that as she gets more active she attends nursery 1 or 2 days a week to socialise and interact with other children. Giving up your time for free is a generous thing to do, and it is not unreasonaleto expect some gratitude or flexibility allowing you to decide minor routine changes according to your convenience and situation you are in.

I was thinking along similar lines Anya a relation of mine tried to bring her first child up as a vegan. The child (now a young woman) had masses of health problems (not least anemia) and I have never seen so one so pale, as the mother was not giving her enough of the right food and/or supplements to make up for her very restricted diet.

That aside Harleysnana I have looked after my three DGC 2 days (sometimes 3) a week inc overnight since birth . I have never once been told or instructed as to what they could or couldn't eat, when they should sleep or what they should or shouldn't do. I am afraid if this had been the case my son and daughter in law would have been looking for a free child minder elsewhere.
It's one this to say something like "we are trying to get X's bottles down to 2 a day" or whatever but not to criticize what you do. It's not as though you are being paid as a qualified nanny. I am angry for you.

Not sure a vegan diet is healthy for a 13 month old? Where is she getting her calcium from if no milk or cheese?

I also think it's time you reacted to their little snipes. Tell them to write every expectation down, each and every time they leave her with you. No, verbal instructions are not sufficient, you explain to them. That will throw the ball back in their court and will also give you the chance to have it in writing.

I do think there's an element of jealously in young parents who don't have the time they'd like to spend with their children due to work commitments these days. I remember my daughter saying that I seemed to be bringing her boys up rather than her. I understood that this came from feelings of sadness and regret that she couldn't give up her job and spend more time with them herself

When do they have their child Harleysnana? Maybe it is time to say NO to your own child.Tell them that as they do nothing but moan every day about your childcare you understand why the need to move her to a childcare provider but that you will be available for a couple of hours babysitting every few weeks.If they argue insist that what is best for the little one must be top of everyones list.The wont be able to argue back on that one. Stay strong, they are using you to save on childcare fee's

BlueBelle, this gets trickier when they start to talk and tell M&D what they've been doing with granny today! A difficult period before colluding against them kicks in at about 6.?
You have been very generous to your D and SIL but obviously they don't appreciate that and realise the difficulties of making such closeness work.
Maybe you could try a concerned approach, along the lines of being unsure of their specific instructions. They could write out your instructions for the day so you have a crib sheet and have the correct answers when they return!!
Are they a little jealous of the time you spend with her so need to assert their authority over you and her?
You are amazing and must be not only saving them shedloads of money, but also, giving them the peace of mind that having someone who loves their daughter is looking after her.

Harleysnana, it's time for you to start having a free and independent life of your own. You've done a great job so far at being a childminding nannie but it doesn't sound like it's a great arrangement for you.
Your daughter and SIL decided to have a child, it's their responsibility to sacrifice at least some of their lives rather than expecting you to while treating you like a maid.
Who lives in the basement?

Aside, I'd listen to your instincts and start creating a life away from the situation you've got now. Maybe booking a holiday to create a natural break is a good way to get the change happening.

Well I m afraid I would lie and say yes to everything they ve told me to do and carry on doing exactly what you are doing they have NO right at all to tell you what to do over little things of course big things need to be followed carefully I d be very clear before they leave her and ask how many naps, what shall I feed her, how often do you want her nappy changing? and then tick all the things off as done

Oh dear the living in the basement sounds like a disaster to me couldn't handle that one how ever much I loved them Are you living alone ? No husband ? If not what does he think ?

Don't look for thanks from your son in law or even your daughter they are taking you totally for granted you're on hand and their personal nursery My biggest worry would be that if you are spending so much time with the baby how much life are YOU having they really are taking the pee if you are having her all day every week day then having her when they socialise as well she's more or less your little one.... so bring her up as you are comfortable with and smile benignly at their questioning with a ' of course dear'