HOLIDAYS

I may have got confused but is this the same daughter that expects you babysit at the expense of hospital appointments, hairdressers etc? And then doesn't invite you for a bit of a holiday with them? Sounds rather ungrateful, if so. I would look at getting a bit busy, as in unavailable unless it suits you.

How unfair is your DD re hospital app etc. She chose to have children. Let them pay for childcare when you want 'time off' . You've done your bit. I'm sorry for you that you raised such an ungrateful and self centred person. Let her keep her holiday days for when YOU need days for apps or indeed holiday.

I'm sorry that they have arranged this holiday without having the courtesy to mention it to you as they must realise that particular place will bring back painful memories for you.

It doesn't sound as if you have found new friends, social interests or made a life for yourself since your DH died but have made yourself too readily available for your DD who seems to be taking you for granted.
It is you who should be making it clear to your DD that you will be unavailable for childcare if you have a hospital appointment etc - you should be able to give her reasonable notice and she must make alternative arrangements. As for expecting you to travel there because the DGC don't want to get up in the holidays? How old are they? Our young DGC are always up at the crack of dawn!

I do hope you can join some social groups and perhaps find some like-minded single people who may want companionship on holiday. U3A groups go on holidays I think.
It may be hard at first but I think it will be worth it in the end.

its not ungrateful at all,surely the daughter and her family are entitled to time on their own.I dont understand the concept of taking your mother on holiday with you,surely when you have young children you want to put them to bed at night and have time for just the two of you.....or were we odd?We wouldn't have wanted my mum or my mum in law to be there 24/7 on the only break we were likely to have for a whole year.I dont think thats unreasonable at all.I DO think its unreasonable of the OP to think she should be included, did she and her late husband not want time alone on holiday.The childcare is entirely a different issue as is the monetary gift ...and she should keep them seperate .If one is dppendent on the other maybe she needs to say so and leyt her daughter arrange a different carer for the GC

What a horrible person to take you for granted and lay down the law. Be firm ...let them pay as others do.

I also think you are entitled to (at least) six weeks pa holiday if not more and you should sit your DD down and agree with her which day(s) you are prepared to do childcare, bearing in mind you may have to alter that if an important appointment comes up.

I think you are amazing looking after the gc all the time. I do think you need to have a honest talk with your dd.children do go to childminders and nurseries you know! And you do have a life of your own if you care for one.
I think you may have put all your eggs in the one basket of your dd and family.
It's hard to do things on your own,but if you could have interests you want to persue then you should tell your dd. Before you know it the kids will be at school and you'll only be required in the holidays, that will make for long term times without company....
Local u 3 a groups are a good start,you can do once a month groups,and you don't HAVE to go every month.
Having a bit of a life outside the family would help with your confidence I think.Baby steps.....good luck......

Hello Diamondsgirl I was also widowed when my DH died of cancer so I know how you feel. You're right, one of the downsides of widowhood is that you lose your travelling companion and have to think of a new strategy for holidaying. You have only been bereaved for 4 years and your loss is naturally still painful.
Lots of grandparents feel left out of things. Our adult children get on with their own lives. They're busy people and sometimes a bit thoughtless.
I don't think it really matters WHY you weren't informed of DD's holiday plans. I would just let that one go and concentrate on carving out a social life for yourself.
As nina1959 advises "it's time to start heading in a new direction and to be independent" and I think other gransnetters have advised you well.
I help look after my grandchildren regularly but I go on holiday twice a year when it suits me. I simply tell DD and SIL my dates and leave them to make alternative childcare arrangements. Likewise with hospital, dental etc appointments. Yes, it's a bit inconvenient for them but we have needs too, don't we.

Maybe dd thought their going away on their own would give you a break?

Anyway, perhaps you can work out something with her where you get one day off during the week, so you can schedule appointments then. As a pp said, she does need a backup, anyhow. What if you fell ill or had to have surgery?

You have the weekends off, surely? Maybe dd thinks you should schedule appointments then? But you shouldn't have to use your weekends for that. And pps are correct, imo, she has no right to dictate your appointment schedule.

You seem to me to be conflicted, wanting more free time but wanting to be with them on vacation. Imo, you need to be clear in your own mind whether you really want more free time or not before you speak to dd.

As a pp said, the childcare problem will ease up once they're in school. But then you'll have more free time on your hands. Do you have any idea how you'll fill it? You need to start preparing yourself for that now.

The very fact that you do all the childminding is impacting upon you making new friends who you could possibly go on holiday with, which isn't fair. As many others on here have said, you need a heart to heart conversation with your DD and explain how you are feeling about holidaying in general; perhaps this will give her a wake up call and make her see how unreasonable she is being. I hope you sort it out

Oops yes, my apologies. I did read the original post, but came back the next day to comment. I still feel however, that the OP is being taken advantage of by her family and I would even go so far as to say it verges on bullying. They should be aware that you are doing this out of the goodness of your heart and wanting to help the family and that it is not a 'right' for them to have you childmind for them. You have a right to a life of your own.

I agree with the OP about the suggested downside to losing your partner. When my husband died very suddenly nine years ago, I realised within a very short time (a matter of days) how much you depend on having a partner for social occasions. One of my sons gently suggested we might all walk down to the village pub. We set off in a group but the pavements are narrow and eventually there was my daughter and her boyfriend (now husband) walking together and my younger son and his girlfriend the same. That was natural. I, walking alone, brought up the rear. I was pretty much choked and nearly turned back but pressed on. It was the loneliest feeling. Once we reached the pub, it wasn't so bad but the world is generally populated by couples and that can make a single woman's/widow's social life tricky. I'm not a sad person, rather the opposite and I have my karate to get me out of the house several times a week but other forms of socialising are now few and far between.

My daughter often suggests a jamboree family holiday and, while not wanting to reject or disappoint her, I can't fancy the idea of being the odd one tagging along behind all the couples ever again, especially in a foreign country! Holidays themselves are not important enough for me to want to relive that feeling of nine years ago.

My chosen holiday is one I've been on every year for the last nineteen years. It's the karate summer school week. Everyone who attends is there to do karate and most are individuals. My late husband had no interest in karate so I have always gone alone.

As far as childcare goes, I now have two grandsons but they live in Bristol and I'm in Northumberland so visits both ways are regular but well spaced. My daughter is lucky enough to be a full time mum and would be even if I lived next door so being taken for granted doesn't arise. However, when I visited recently for several weeks to help with the newborn, they were so grateful, plied me with as much of my favourite Malbec as I could drink and bent over backwards to help me to train at a local karate club.

So, OP, I recommend finding something to join, a class or club with like minded people to take you out of yourself and break your dependence on your daughter. Find some daytime activities. It sounds as if your daughter needs you so she's unlikely to want to fall out with you and risk losing your help altogether. You deserve your own life. Take small steps away from dependence and do something risky.