feeling lonely and isolated as paternal grandmother

HI Bluebell, I did the card and the gift. I drive a few hours 1 day a week to pick them up from school and drive them to activities and snacks. I see their shows at school. I used to watch their sports events but it got silly, me standing alone there and the kids with their friends and then going home with the other grandparents EVERY time. You are right I'm from the US and money is the order of the day. Thank you for posting and caring

I am beginning to think it is my DIL and her mother that is the problem but it becomes mine ofcourse. Yes I have been involved the whole time of their lives. Early on I mentioned concerns to my son but I guess it stresses him out. I love him very much ofcourse and don't want him hurt or to feel the pain I do. I do anything for them but when I asked to have them over night, at first their were excuses but now its moot. The kids stay with her mother and father when they go away and I might get a day to haul them around. I wondered if I had a man attached to me if it might be different but I'm not sure. I paid last year for everyone to get together with my other son at a lake for a few days. Unless I pay, there are no plans for all of us. I think my grand daughter might be picking up vibes that it ok to ignore me when the family is together. I wonder about that. Thank you for kindness in replying.

Thank you again Nora. I spent a lot of time on the card and the gift (money- we are American$). When my DIL told me many Christmasses ago I wasn't invited because "it isn't your holiday" I told a girlfriend who was aghast and said she considers it part of being a good Christian to share holidays with everyone. I always hold that thought to me.

Thank you. Most of us are born into a religion. It is what it is. It is painful when the priest knew they must have some mixed families there for him to say that. I had gone to my granddaughters communion a few years earlier and altho I was also an outsider, there was a different priest who blessed everyone

cornergran, I am trying to respond to each poster but am not sure where these replies appear but I thank you for kind words.

Nannarose,
Thank you for your time. I try hard to be a part of this family but you are correct I should bide my time. Right now I feel raw (being told about going to hell is rough in front of a beloved child. I try to see them once a week by picking them up at school. My babysitting services are never needed since her parents live close by and are the favored ones frankly. I have at times had a child to take to movies or whatever. It was just a painful event and I am trying to process.

Luckygirl,
Thank you. My first smile of day. May the force be with you.

OP it may well be that DIL has decided that she deals with her side and her husband (your son) should deal with his.

Why isn't your son calling you to arrange visits etc?

TerriBull,
Thanks for your time to reply. I live in US. I understand my grandson's feelings and behaviors, its the rest of the family. I'm Jewish. I once gave a book when they were little called "my 2 religions" and learned later by my other son, it was thrown out under some excuse. I am not upset they have a religion but how they seem to process that religion when we all live together and all try to be good people. I think our lives can be richer by sharing and they seem to think exclusion is the key. My son works a lot, to pay for all this, so the kids and DIL spend lots of time with her mother. Ive accepted all of it but just had a break point yesterday. Thank you for replying

Bibbity,
I cant go there. I adore my son and know he has flaws but he wants peace and so turns a blind eye? Ive cried a lot in the past but thought I was stone now.

M0nica, yes its only me living near by who was invited other than her parents. I guess they simply don't like me for whatever reason. I do offer help and money wherever the situation arrives. I love the kids to death and love my DIL also. Its just when her family is also there and making plans around me as if I am not there and compounded by the religion aspect and being so exclusive, the pain erupts. In many cases being the mother of the boy takes 2nd place especially if the parents live nearby. I live relatively near (50 minutes)but it works differently.
Thank you for your sympathy

Jalima1108, nah, I go past their house to get to church. This is how things are done when I am to join.. I drive alone and leave alone... from wedding day onward. I just reacted this time, feeling way too sad.

So it's not the DILs fault. It's the fact that your son just doesn't care?

Jalima1108 , I was not invited after. I didn't expect to be. we went to a lunch and again I drove myself. From there, they made plans to get together at MILs house . I am not a blamer, not for the service or not being spoken to or feeling excluded, I was just so very sad and turned to you guys for anything, a shoulder, I don't know.

I appreciate the kind words. You all have helped me. Crying is no fun. We all want to be happy.

Bibbity
my son cares very much. I guess he chooses his battles. I have mentioned in the past how I felt. Right now he is hoping not to spend money on private religious HS (in US)so they have that going on with the family pushing for that. It is what it is.

rosesarered. thank you. You are correct. I am trying to put it behind me and all of you have helped. I am grateful

But why are you blaming your DIL?
Because she chooses to spend time with someone else?
If it were a friend would you be as disgruntled?
Her social life is her business.
Also at 8 your GS will have his own interests and free will.
Did he choose to communicate with you during the day?

Also I believe it's rubbish about PGP.
I was always so so so close to my PGM growing up.
Even now I easily spend half an hour three times a week talking to her on the phone.

Given I am so sorry, I have do have ideas to perhaps help your sense of outsiderness.

Would it be possible for you to go to lunch, alone, with your son? Invite him out during his lunch or take hand held food to his desk or cubby? Not to complain about DIL and her mom's bad behaviour, but to focus on him and show him (silently) what you bring to the relationship.

Or, would it be acceptable for you as a Jew (sorry if I am being offensive, I really have no idea how this fits into Judaism) to do secular Christmas, Easter, Hallows Eve with your GK in your home? Just the fun bits, Santa, trees, bunnies, eggs, Frosty, pumpkins. Fun parties with fun GM.

May1 I did think that possibly you may be American, the clue "non religious public schools" the public school in America is just what it says for the public, our public schools are fee paying. I don't know what to say, I'm shocked by the chauvanism shown towards you by the Catholic side of the family and their church . Disgraceful! they should be welcoming you, after all Christianity has it's roots in the Jewish faith. A member of my family married a Jewish girl, they didn't bring their children up in either faith. Ideally, it would be best to introduce the children of such a marriage to both the religions and when they are old enough to make an informed choice then they could decide whether to practice one or the other, or possibly neither. I'm sure in time they will be very pleased to have a Jewish granny, I would have been, a bit of diversity is a good thing particularly with the tunnel visioned. There is much you can impart to your grandchildren about the Jewish culture to make their life richer and give them a balance. Yes Catholics can take over imo, I was brought up with the notion it was OK to marry out of my religion but the other side must agree to the children being brought up Catholics, which struck me, even way back then as somewhat arrogant. The Jewish religion, pre dates Catholicism and has given Christianity it's foundations and more importantly, JESUS WAS JEWISH for heavens sake. Go sock that to them. If it makes you feel any better lots of Catholics end up lapsed and a bit anti, especially if they have too much of it as children. Your grandchildren may well have had enough when they reach teens, classic age to rebel against something that has been foisted upon and lets face it, we all know the Catholic church has hardly covered itself in glory.

Norah
Thanks again.
I do Hanukkah and Passover with them in my home. No, it I am not a part of anything else in their holidays. I asked to be but it wasn't to be. They have a large extended family and fill the holidays with them. I do meet alone with my son once or even twice a month just to be. I only complained years ago about feeling excluded and it made him so miserable I didn't repeat it.
I guess I did all that I should and need to get a grip. I appreciate your comments and all the positive ones so much. I am feeling almost normal now. To reach across the sea to a supportive group has helped a lot. I will come back to this time and again. Sometimes loving others isn't enough, we want so much to be loved back.

Indeed, Jesus was a Jew. Also the Catholic Church was only the first of many Christian Churches. I never read of this Pope advocating to anything but inclusiveness.

As a friendly message I would be very very carelful about pushing a differnt religion or negatively discussing their religion.

Religious choices are the parents. End of.
I am personally an atheist so would like to do away with them all together. I think they're wicked and cause nothing but pain.

But I would never ever go against a parents choice.

I see. But, why not try and invite them on a day, that is not the Christian holiday, to do the fun bits? Just try and see if they accept, if you invite for an eggy dye and hunt 2 weeks early.

Or, don't they celebrate a holiday mid summer? Have a do with exploding crackers and whatever it is your GC eat at BBQ. Invite them to a get away at a seaside cottage or a Disney place.

There seems to be a big cultural difference here. There is not, in the UK, this great gulf between Christian and Jew. Jews and Irish (catholics) were equally discriminated against in the UK, it gave us something in common and in the town I went to school only the catholic grammar school would accept Jewish girls who passed the 11+. The CofE school was Christians only.

I think in this situation it is time May1s son manned up and gave his mother the respect she is owed and insists that his mother is as loved and respected in his and his wife's family as her family are. In the end that is the only thing that will solve this very sad problem.

It would be counterproductive to tell DS to "man up" when he feels he is doing his best, imo.