DD and SIL splitting up

Liz46 tempting as it may be to plot revenge in the long run it doesn't help anyone. Your DD will be feeling terrible (It happened to me over 30 years ago) but he will continue to be the father of her children and the best way to show him up for what he is is to allow him to show his faults himself (and he will). There is the saying
"Living well is the best revenge"
I hope your DD finds happiness without him.

GrandmaL

Another one who has sadly had to deal with the situation you find yourself in.

It is heartbreaking and may I send you a message of hope that things hopefully will take a positive turn in time.

Oh my goodness thank you everyone for your advice and support. Hopefully I won't be in need of any curses! But I WILL try to remain neutral and support my DD and DGS, but I'm afraid things will get a lot worse once it's started, and it's all such a shame. BUT not my life, so hubby and I will cry in private and put on a brace face. Thanks again, GN is truly wonderful and I plan to use it more now!

trisher, don't beat the messenger, I only provided a copy of the poem written by Phoenix. I am way too stupid to be able to write poetry

My son left his wife 11 yr old daughter and his two stepchildren, he behaved very badly, I was devastated we fully supported our dil and the children, we were always grandparents to his step children, he was with somebody else, I hated her and totally sided with my dil.......move forward 6 years my son married the girl I hated, they have two beautiful babies, my step grandchildren have cut us dead because we have contact with our new dil, their mother has remarried ,we were so close but her new man didn't want anything to do with us, so she also cut us from her life, I cried constantly and ended up on anti depressants, my GD is now 17 and we have a wonderful relationship, I'm still struggling with the loss , I think you'll shed many tears but do try to distance yourself from their problems and concentrate on your DGD, don't be like me and take sides cause I ended up the one that was terribly hurt, I wish you well

it's very sad when this happens.
my daughter left her husband two years ago [my grandaughters were removed from the marital home at the same time and were housed with me]. my daughter came to live with me then and she's still here.
it's very difficult as we're still trying to amalgamate two houses into one although she left all the furniture behind. hopefully she's now taking steps to end the marriage and, i for one, will be so happy when it's done and dusted and i know she feels the same way.
however it's a shame when it's one of your children who have to go through this - although i'm glad she's been able to come to me.
good luck to you and your daughter - hope all goes well and that your daughter is a happier person in the end.

I am so sorry, what a horrid situation.

It may help to remember there are 2 sides. You might have to see SIL in future, stay neutral.

sorry harrigran think it touched a nerve and brought back memories of when I wanted such things. So pleased now that I left him to dig his own grave (and he has done it far better than I ever could have)

Not a problem trisher

I would rather never talk to or see my GS father ever again, But my husband insisted we remain civil and friendly when necessary for the sake of my GS as this is his father. I am civil but keep out of the way when he comes to my house. I leave it up to my husband. After 10 years I can see my husband is right as my GS isn't "piggy in the middle" between the 2 families.

Definitely stay neutral at least in the short term. It could be a totally amicable break and taking sides won't help. However if it turns out your SIL has been a swine and your DD is upset then use the curse. I wish I'd known it when my sister's husband turned out to be a total .....well he's a banker by profession and the word I'm thinking of rhymes with it .

Try not to worry about your DGC. Children cope with all sorts of things and it's better for them to live in a split family than one where there is constant bad feeling and/or arguments.

I sent 'The Curse' to my daughter and she enjoyed it so thank you Phoenix and harrigran. A bit of nonsense can ease a horrible situation for a moment.

GrandmaL, this is a good place to rant safely. I am being very careful in real life and will take on board the good advice to be polite to The Idiot.

Another thought, grandmai. I'm not sure how long your daughter has been in a relationship with your son in law and how well you know his parents. If you get on well you may find you all have similar feelings. If this is the case a grandparent united approach with your grandson could help everyone. I'm sure there will be ups and downs and as you say could get worse before emotions and practicalities settle into a pattern. Hang on in there.

GrandmaL it is awful and the whole family will grieve for the loss of a relationship but it will get better in time.

I have said many times on GN that I have a very good relationship with my ex DiL and we see a lot of each other. I am Nana to her other two children. It is obviously easier with another woman who is the mother of my GD.
I was on amicable terms with estranged SiL and he txtd me when I had eye problems and the op on my knee.
He and my D speak regularly about the GC and when he came over for 2 weeks recently he visited every day and they all went out for dinner twice.
This may all change when they get round to divorce and he remarries. We shall see.
Money matters have a way of bringing out another side of people.

Just be strong and listen without comment and take over care of GC when DD needs a break.You cannot let your feelings show as it is about them not you. Initially it's a shock but it usually ends up ok.

I'm so very sorry to hear this. As mother's mother, you are likely to retain quality time with your grandchild. Perhaps you could reach out to your co-grandmother on a strictly no-blame basis to make sure she has the same?

maryhoffman37 has said exactly what I was thinking, you are almost certain to continue to see your daughter's children and it would be generous to include your SIL's parent(s) in the family.

But do be prepared for the inevitable fall-out when divorce proceedings start - people become difficult and unpleasant even if they have agreed that it will be an "amicable" separation, and your DD will need all the support she can get. His parents may not accept that he is in any way in the wrong.

Fortunately my DS and DIL are still together (though he doesn't always behave very well towards her) and I have always gone out of my way to support her whenever things were tough. I certainly know which side my bread is buttered....

It is so important to get on well with your DIL/SIL - I can never understand why some mothers resent it when their children marry and their partner becomes the centre of their life. This is what should happen for their marriage to succeed and parents must take a step back.

I'm in the same position GrandmaL so I can totally empathise. After two years (and vile behaviour from her ex - I'll be sending her the curse!) she's happier, more confident and is able not to be so influenced/intimidated by SiL. Hopefully your SiL is not of the same ilk and you will be spared that horror. Be there for your DD, always listening and supporting. Good luck.

I have also been in the same situation with Dil and son, I have tried very hard to keep everything as normal for the GC(7 and 9) as I look after them a lot. My dil who has decided that she wants her own life and offered no other explanation, I find it very hard to understand, especially when my GS cries and I have to comfort him . We have always supported her and been there even when her own parents weren't. The children are confused and upset but hopefully with the support of my son and us they will get through it. Just be there for your DD and GC as we are for our DS and GC. All the advice everyone has given is good and will get you though this difficult time.

My DM has been through the breakup of both her DDs marriage and LTR (me). There were no young children involved, but grown up children struggle as well - my DS's . DM has just been there to listen to us and give us as much support as she can muster. She's also helped out financially, wasn't asked, but gave generously. Her heart was broken both times, but what could she do. She couldn't change things, but just be there for us, to listen to us when we were very down and very tearful and I'm so glad she was/is.

Think about making grandchild your emotional priority. I promised my son and daughter in law that I would ask no questions, and I haven't.

Hi grandmaL,I am sorry to read about your situation,I have been waiting for this topic to be covered about 3 weeks ago my daughter dropped the bombshell on us that she wanted to leave her husband of 27years and two beautiful boys we are totally devasted and I can't stop crying ,we thought they were so happy ,we love our son-in-law to bits and want to support him and the boys but of course our daughter is our world ,I just don't know how to handle this all I am trying to support her all I can but feel so useless ,I would be glad of any advice from mothers and fathers who have been through this desperate situation.i hope knowing that other people care will help you and your husband get through this awful time.sorry I cannot offer any help but am thinking of you.???

I'm sorry for everyone going through this. Our SIL cheated on DD when pregnant with their second child. It's been hard on the children and the 3 year old started bed wetting when his father left. I hate him and all that he's done to my daughter - he moved out when the baby was a week old leaving her to cope with 3 children. His family give no support and It's hard for us as the only GPs to do babysitting etc but it's their loss as someone else has said. DD is strong capable woman who refused to let the LCB (lying cheating bastard) - my name for him - ruin her life. Two years later she has a new wonderful partner who is doing very well adapting to her children. We never imagined she'd be this happy again when it all happened. Ive made sure never to let the DGC know how I feel about the LCB as once early on I said to the 3 year old that daddy was 'naughty' for leaving - his reaction of horror at this criticism surprised me. I apologised and have never said anything ever again. He loves his father and the bed wetting has almost stopped so I support the relationship and keep my awful thoughts to myself - love that curse though ???

Just a thought but it might help your DD to know the person who asks for the divorce has control. My XH cheated on me and it helped me to be the one in control of the divorce.