Feeling pushed out

I know exactly how you feel, horleflyer. I have exactly the same problem except I am the paternal Grandma and my problem is with the other Grandma. She takes over completely . She makes herself indispensable and travel up to stay every other week for a week and has done for nearly 10 years. Also she does all the chores. She sees our grandchildren more than I do although I live nearby. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it except grin and bear it. I love my grandchildren more than life but I am of the view "be there when needed " . You will be appreciated, respected and I after get treats !

You were so lucky to be at the birth of your grandchild and to cut the cord - when my daughter had her three children it was just her and ex son in law there for all three. Maybe the paternal GM would have liked to have had that opportunity? Getting used to a new baby is hard work enough without GP's squabbling or taking offence as well - I am sure your DD has asked you to come over because she wants you to visit, not just fetch something for her. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face, go and enjoy your time with DD and baby.

Try to not let it upset you, hard I know. I am not involved with my sons children very much, where as maternal grandmother very involved. She gets invited to school plays, often asked to stay, where as we are not. We're told not enough room as there are 2 of us. I used to get so upset, but all that achieved was my hubby & I getting stressed. We're there when needed, try to stay in touch as much as possible. Our son & grandsons FaceTime us & enjoy our chats.
Just be there as & when you can.

At least your D text you and you were helpful with the advice, so it shows she still wants you around. When you get to see your d next have a chat about it and see what she says, she might find over over he top a bit any way.
Congratulations enjoy your new gc xx

Isn't it just the most wonderful feeling when your first grandchild is born, Horleyflyer? I have 9 grandchildren, but there is just something very special about the memories of when the first one was born. Almost like being in love!! Really try not to go in for competitive grandparenting. Things will calm down I am sure and nobody can take away the special relationship you have with your daughter. You will offer your new grandchild something different to the other granny and it will be just as special.

Don't worry, just bide your time. YOU are her mum. "A daughter's a daughter for ALL of her life."
But do remind her that you are ready to give support whenever she needs it.
It won't be too long before your daughter falls out with MiL.

The baby is two weeks old!
She is still sore, bleeding and carrying around two painful boulders on her chest.
That's without going into the screaming squish that's now dominating her life and already there are people falling out with her because she's not fulfilling their wants?
What did your email other daughter fall out with her about? Because if it's not seeing the baby enough I'd rip her a new one.

You are being fantastic. Trust me I've got two young children and am on many baby groups and you are what dreams are made of.
A supportive, loving, non judgmental parent who desperately wants to be there but respectfully waits for an invite.
You are doing great. And you will have an amazing realtionship with your GC because you already have such a great one with your DD.

My son lives in NZ and his two kids have grandparents round the corner and of course I see them very rarely When the second one was about 8 months I went for a visit and the other granny blocked me constantly ( I was only going to be round him three weeks ) but she couldn't keep away she would actually take him from my lap as we were getting to know one another, on one occasion she whipped him up and went into another room shutting the door behind her I was so upset and annoyed inside but obviously apart from having a minor moan to my son couldn't really say much
Fast forward 16 years I ve never really forgiven her in my heart although we send C cards and speak as normal when I go over but it was so so hurtful she just couldn't let go for such a short time
I always treat the kids the same as my other grandkids for birthdays/ C.....etc but I don't really know them very well

hi horleyflyer - I sympathise with you, as I can see that not driving means you don't have the same ability to just turn up unannounced as paternal grandmother does. However, I do also feel that it's up to you to forge the relationship that you want with your GC and therefore, whilst you say that you have taken the approach of letting your DD get on with things, it may be that you have to make the effort, and your other daughter too, to actually visit. If the paternal grandma behaves like this with all her grandchildren this tells you that she will not change - she will continue to turn up, to offer help, maybe in your eyes, to even take over. If you choose to stay away then her position will be strengthened and she will become the first port of call in any needful situation. As you are new to grandparenting, and she isn't, I would suggest you be rather more proactive - other contributors have said that your DD will be at sea just now, she won't want to see any rift in the family and it's important that she's happy especially if she's breastfeeding. So my advice to you is to get over there, let her know you're coming and you want to wheel baby out, and get your other daughter to do the same. Your DD is in no position to tell her in-laws to stop visiting, so it's up to you to make sure you're there and start your bonding - if your DD tells you she doesn't want you there - which I can't imagine would happen - that's the time to ask the question of why she's so accommodating with her MIL. She is maybe coming under pressure from hubby who will naturally turn to his mum for advice.

Congratulations - it is alwyays the same the longed for GC brings problems that we never had before!
DD1 is a visting midwife and says that for a week after the birth only Mum and Dad and one grandmother and no one else.

The baby needs absolute quiet for its first weeks in the world. Just mum and dad and peace and quiet and a relaxed mum not one strung between two competing grandlmothers.
Hope your daughter can calm down and all will be better later on, if the family are till speaking then.
What selfish people!

Over the last three years I have watched as a close friend has totally undermined first her daughter and then her daughter-in law, by her determined "helping", to the extent that neither couple has any confidence in their own parenting. She is enjoying her grandchildren but she has deprived her own children of so much that she enjoys. There is a point where support is actually the very opposite. It is selfish but she cannot see it.
Your idea of support sounds fine to me OP. I just hope your daughter is ok with her MIL and is not having her confidence eroded.

I would be grateful to know that my daughter had someone who did what the paternal gran was doing.But don't forget that you are her mum and what ever someone else may be doing for DD then it will never alter that.Has your daughter complained what the other gran is doing for her?does she feel she is too pushy?
My MIL did far more for me than my own mother in fact as they grew older my kids had her round their little fingers and they could get away with anything.But from my point of view they loved and respected both grans equally and never showed any preference.

I'm in a similar position to BlueBelle. My only grandchildren are in New Zealand too. I only see them every couple of years and feel that they hardly know me. Am I envious of their paternal grandparents? Of course I am. Especially when she constantly posts photos of them together on Facebook. Other GM gets to spend quality time with them, taking them out and about and even taking them on holiday. When I go for a visit it seems we spend half if the time getting to know each other again and now that they are 11 and almost 10, they want to spend time with their friends. I'm sad that I can't have the close relationship with them that I had with my grandparents but there's nothing I can do to change it. Grand parenting isn't about who spends the most time with them, it's about loving them and letting them know they are loved.

When DGS1 was born we stayed for 1st week after the birth as we lived 70 miles away, other GPs did more than we could. As time has gone on they have lost interest & only care about their DGD who is a couple of years older than DGS1. I now live nearer being widowed & was on hand for Hospital visits & transport for DG2, my DD knows I am there if she needs me, I always check it's ok to visit especially if I'm in DD's town, about 10 miles from where I live & don't often go there.

My DD loves this arrangement, she has lots of friends around as well. I'm always first person they call if she needs help or advice. Don't worry things will settle down & don't let your DD know how you feel.

OP - it's only been a fortnight. Your daughter's MIL has been practically supportive, aided by the fact she doesn't work and can drive. Yet it was you your DD was texting. So chin up, don't cause any ructions and tell your other DD to lay off. Just make sure your DD knows you're there and offer to take the baby out or be at home with it while DD rests. Leave it up to her to decide. Perhaps if DD trusts the other GM to look after the baby you could have some quiet time or a coffee out with DD when she feels up to it? or vice versa or just with her husband? Just don't mention your feelings to your DD - if she finds the other GM oppressive she'll tell you.

I am in the same position only I am the paternal grandmother. My daughter in law only has time for her parents - they are separated and jockey for position. We all live some distance away but they are there separately almost every other week. When my son mentions he would like us to go down my DiL can never find a weekend free for us. It is making both me and my DH very sad but there seems to be nothing we can do. We get pictures sent and the occasional video but apart from that we may be offered a couple of hours in a restaurant once ever 3 months whereas her mother often goes and stays with them. Of course she is on her own and if we go down we have to stay with my DD or in a hotel, which we don't mind doing. It would just be nice to be asked. My son does Facetime me sometimes but my DGD is only 2 and finds that daunting. I am also sure the other Nana bad mouths me to her daughter although we are the cash cows in the family and have on many occasions opened up our home to my DiL's whole family and there are many. We do not complain, however, as we do not want to make things worse and give them grounds not to see us.

It's usually the other way round. DIL's parents see much more of our two grandsons and her mother always has to Facebook when they have seen them which I take as rubbing our noses in it. I used to get very upset but now I think just get on with it, it's their loss. DS and family live an hour away and we see them every three weeks or so and the boys are so excited to see us. Life's too short to fret over what you can't change.

Agree with Crazygrandma2- if you were at the birth then your position is absolutely secure- what an honour!!! Agree with the others about different family styles which come out around the grand-children. Our grandchildren re older now but the "other" grandparents, especially grandma, operate at a level of wanting to know detail about everything that I would find so tedious and intrusive. I am kept for the 'big stuff' that might not get shared to the others until absolutely necessary!!!

You re all feeling you feet so to speak and it will settle. There s a good chance your daughter s m I l will be being seen by ur daughter as interfering too much but she doesn't want to upset her husband/ partner by telling her. She will be all hormonal and over the place anyway . The bottom line is she is getting help with the chores by someone who can pop over in car and help her while she is getting used to motherhood, so be glad for her. She knows u Don drive and work. I'd ask her if u could come over on a specific day, take baby out, and have a nice day with them. Just bite ur tongue and it will be fine soon.

Congratulations on becoming a new GM,Loads of good advise already given. But what about offering to look after baby whilst they go out for lunch over the weekend so they can have some couple time and you get baby duties for the evening, surely paternal gran cannot encroach on that.

Congrats on becoming a grandmother, it is a wonderful thing. I have had this experience twice now but this time with a new SIL and family so it has also become an issue. I find I have competition from my SILM too. She only lives around the corner and so can drop in whenever she wants. In our family we have always respected each other's need for space. We also know from our own experience that learning to be parents takes time. As a grandmother I know that quality not quantity time together is the most important thing and has more meaning. My dd is not happy with the interference and advice handed out every 5 mins on everything. I only give advice when asked and have found this to be the best policy. Patience on your part is needed as this situation will not last as the novelty wears off or your DD makes her own rules. My own approach is that SILM is jealous of my position in my DD's life and so is trying to muscle in. Fortunately that will never happen but how do you tell SLIM that, especially as her position is secure and there is no need for this behaviour as it will only alienate her with my DD. I have seen it many times with my friends daughters.

Only 2 weeks?! Give the whole situation time. Everyone needs to adjust to changes. I'm maternal GM to 3, paternal GM to 4 plus a GGC. I've not been at a birth or cut a cord, that's fine, both mothers wanted only their partner there. It must be an incredible experience and, as you say, a privilege, one extended to you by DD.
Practical considerations - MiL lives nearer, has more time than you, and drives. Of course she's there a lot in these early days. It almost sounds as if you object to her 'whisking away washing', did you want to do it? Her support over food and washing must take a lot of pressure off both your DD and SiL.
She took the baby out in the pram. You seem to see this as a slight to you. While she undoubtedly was proud and happy to do so maybe the couple needed a brief break from the huge responsibility of new parenthood. Recognise that the baby is fortunate to have two loving and caring GMs. It's not a competition but an opportunity for cooperation.
I don't understand your other DD's problem. She's seen the new member of your family and (if she makes up with her sister) surely will soon do so again. No one's keeping tally of who spends time with the baby on a tick chart are they?
Don't let the happy occasion of having a new baby in the family, your first grandchild, deteriorate into a bitter chalking up of scores. Forget these petty imagined slights and apparent preferences. You don't want to be harbouring resentment for years that you didn't get the first pram outing, surely? Give it time and it will all sort out.
And congratulations on your GC, look forward to the wonderful times you'll spend together over many years!

I'm sure in time things will settle down its usually the paternal grandparents that feel left out but your DD sounds like she has a great relationship with you to allow you at the birth and to cut the cord maybe the other granny felt left out at this so is determined to make herself indispensable however she doesn't work and drives so probably has got a lot more time I wouldn't worry too much I work and used to feel a bit put out when my DD went on holiday with the in-laws I can't go in term time but like all things this came to an end when GS started school so I'm so glad I made nothing of it just bide your time DD will need you soon

I can only say what so many have already said. Your poor DD so soon after the birth will hardly know which end is up. Give her time and above all don't make her feel bad and also aim to stop the siblings falling out.

When my daughter disappeared to Australia they rented a place in her partner's tiny town minutes from his parents. I was so relieved, especially when DD became pregnant very early on as I wanted her to have the loving support I would have given her. It didn't turn out like that; his mother and sister weren't welcoming at all and before baby was born DD and partner moved far away from them. I flew in and got to spend three precious weeks doing what I could to help after a difficult Caesarean which almost killed my DD. MIL turned up after I left and said later that she would have "liked to slap DD" for the untidiness of the little house. Not a nice woman. While I ŵas there the only untidiness I saw was my future SIL's clothes which were usually left where they fell!

I would have given anything for DD to have the support and help of a fond MIL.

I had the good fortune to be near at hand to help with all my DGDs on this side of the world whereas my fellow grandmother lives far away. She makes frequent visits for a week at a time and I must admit shamefacedly to a twinge of jealousy that every year she gets to see the children on Christmas Day morning unwrapping their presents. It's not always easy but there really is enough love to share around with a healthy dose of give and take.

Nellie - I like your honest post. Glad you could be there to support DD, she so didn't need a visit from toxic MiL!