Feeling pushed out

Just let things pan out naturally - you obviously have a close relationship with your daughter; the fact that you helped at the birth is testament to that and nothing will take away that memory. Give the paternal grandmother a break - she is obviously thrilled and wants to help as much as she can - and why not? Be thankful that your daughter in these early days of motherhood does have someone who can give practical help. It's certainly not something that should drive a wedge between you and your daughter and other family members. I think that probably you are feeling upset that you are unable to be as physically pro-active as the other granny, but your emotional support is even more important to your daughter. I know that sometimes 'the other side' can be irksome, but we just have to be grown-up about these things. Just remember that the bond between a mother and daughter (and her children) is often so much stronger. Enjoy your first grandchild without any bad feelings getting in the way.

Hi there, I'm not a Gran but I posted here as I had a problem with my Gran.. I think though that I can definitely help with this one.. This happened to me with my husbands family, they came to me every single day and so did my Gran (she still does, this was what my post was about) Your daughter is probably being polite as I was.. I'd let the woman make a stick to break her own back.. In my experience and talking to friends etc women just do not like a constant interference.. I was ok with it at first but it very quickly became my very own nightmare, they became too familiar, too pushy, too possessive and it made me run screaming for the hills.. I do not invite them to my home and I only see them once a week (sometimes I even cancel) I hated it.. In the long run your daughter will come running and appreciate that you didn't smoother her.. Offer help but don't impose it.. I don't know what your daughter is like but I remember my husbands aunt doing my washing and I think steam left my ears.. My own Mother knows my boundaries so be assured you know your daughter better than anyone, this will be short lived xx

Please don't say anything to your DD about how you feel. However close you might be she's at a very vulnerable and worrying time with a very new first baby and she doesn't need any guilt about inadvertently causing you distress. Whinge to your DH!

I do know exactly how you feel; my DD's MIL actually gave up work to take on the childcare when DD went back to work; I found that really hard. But we all live within a few miles of each other and I see DGS almost every day and, to be honest, I think that the quality of the love and interest that you have in your grandchild when you're together that is really important, s/he'll love you for that, not for how often you see him (her?).

Grit your teeth, keep schtum, smile a lot and enjoy the time you do have with your new grandchild.

PD - love your last remark!...In fact the whole post is perfect.

Hi, I know how you feel. I have the reverse, I'm the Paternal GM and I'm always left out of the loop. It is very hurtful but I don't think they realise. Perhaps as things are so new to your DD that when all calms down, it will all become too much with MIL there all the time and DD will say something gently to her or maybe her own son. I'm sure it will settle and try perhaps to be a bit more persuasive and about seeing YOUR first GC. xx

Thank you for not being pushy. My mom is very much a "wait for an invitation" type of person and it's so wonderful. My MIL on the other hand is very pushy. Before having my son we had dinner at her house every single week. Whereas with my parents (who live just as close) we only see maybe once a month, if that. Now that my son is here my MIL asks to come over nearly every day and even got mad at my husband because she thought visiting us twice in the first two weeks of my son's life wasn't enough. And I worry about my own mom's feelings since she knows we see my in-laws all of the time. And my MIL is very outgoing and very nice so I'm worried my mom thinks we like my MIL more. Truth be told, in the past year my MIL has driven me up the wall. So if your daughter is anything like me, outward appearances can be deceiving. Just talk to her about it. If I knew my mom felt like she was being shorted because she's not pushy and my MIL is, I would beg her to say something. Just let her know how you feel.

Horleyflyer

I get that some of us go 'apesh#t' with the arrival of our first grandchildren.....it's an experience like no other!

My DD and SIL lived on the West Coast of the US and they were far removed from the family tree on both sides. I resented that we had to share 'our' baby time with SIL's family. We stayed with them the first two weeks and then had to fly back home to make way for the 'others'.... I can relate!

Over the years you will come to realize:

A. There's more than enough love to go around
B. Grandma2 or 'Beta Grandma' is just as smitten as you are and insecure about you too.
C. Beta Grandma and you can become good friends (and partners in crime) after all.
D. As more grandchildren make their grand entrance, insecurity can be replaced with warm camaraderie and shared family experiences.
E. How much your grandchildren love you will depend on you and no one else. Someone else's love can never diminish that

So, be generous and allow Beta Grandma to do whatever makes her feel useful. Let her know that you appreciate what she does for your daughter and you will be amazed at how barriers begin to come down. You CAN be friends and allies, you just don't know that yet.

PS. Alpha Grandma (you) can take comfort in the knowledge that Mitochondrial DNA can only only be passed on from mothers to daughters .

Maybe ask DD over for lunch...that way you will see baby. Offer to take baby out for a walk another time. I'm sure that paternal grandmother will soon get on DDS nerves. Congratulations and just keep positive

I am overwhelmed by the response and have read all the posts and even shed a tear at some of them!
I now am in agreement that DD is lucky to have 2 sets of GPs that want to know and help and that both sets will play their part but in different ways. I'm sure DD won't put up with too much pushiness and that things will even out. And she knows I'm there for her...I have told her that several times.
I did go round today armed with colic drops and have been asked to help with the first bath tomorrow after work.
I'm so glad I didn't say anything now. I don't think I ever would have. I would have been directing my upset at the wrong person.

Pleased you feel better, horley, enjoy that oh so special bath time. There's nothing a quiet cuddle with a damp baby can't fix

What a lovley update! Enjoy the first bath, make sure one of you have a camera

That's wonderful, horleyflyer.

I was always told that Maternal Grandma is no.1 , Paternal grandma is no 2. So your turn will come as your DD when she is less stressed will naturally turn to you. Watch and wait

Dear horleflyer
My grandson was born 10 years ago and paternal nanna was given an open door to him ... she was able to buy stuff ( I couldn't), she had a car so could take him places I couldn't and she doted on him. She lived 20 miles away and seemed to get all the fun bits with him. I live 5 miles away and I was useful for baby sitting , emergencies , helping with shopping, housework... I seemed to get all the 'not so nice ' responsible stuff. She had total access to him for 15 months and then she died of cancer and he was all mine. He's been all mine ever since and I love him and his sister aged 5 with all the love I can muster.I do not pine over those early months, and am so pleased I didn't 'say anything' to my daughter or SIL. He lost his father as a child and he wanted to shower his mother with his son and himself. Just before Paternal Nanna died she took me aside and asked me to ' be a mother' to her son.... and thanked me profusely for letting her monopolise our grandson.I felt ashamed of my previous feelings about her and have since her death tried to be the best mother substitute to her son/ my SIL that I can. Now my grandson is all mine and my granddaughter. I wish it wasn't so . They deserve two lots of grannies and I wish she was still around to share the responsibility I sometimes fee. I miss her. So... do what you can...when you can and be glad to do it. Keep your thoughts to yourself . Your daughter will need you sooner rather than later.

Saggi, a touching and salutary story. How poignant that your co-grandmother acknowledged that she had been favoured over the baby and then asked you to care for her son. You so did the right thing by not expressing any resentment but just being there when needed, you're a wise woman!