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Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

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DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 07:35:02

Hi all,
So I'm a DIL and the main reason I've come to gransnet is to ask you lovely ladies for your honest (happy for brutal honesty) opinions on my situation.
So my MIL and I do not have a good relationship, this all started before I got pregnant and worsened during my pregnancy. It started off with MIL and the other inlaws expecting to throw my baby shower the way they wanted it (my sister held the shower) during the shower MIL made quite a few nasty comments to my guests in regards to me (told everyone I was having a cesarean to spite her as she was going on a cruise at the scheduled date- this was docs choice not mine, said my size was going to lead to the baby being born tiny and sick- I have anemia and cannot put weight on no matter how hard I try, that I don't help her enough, that I've taken her son away- he moved in with me but still sees her regularly, that I'm lazy and don't work hard- I worked 60+ hour weeks up until birth, that I'm using her son- I actually make more money than he does ) about a week before I had my baby she was insisting that DH take DD to her and leave me at home when she returned from holiday (DD 5 days old) so she and her family could have bonding time with their baby (exact words). This I was not ok with so her and her family ended up visiting, showing up at 9pm, they then made fun of me (calling me a brat and that I was looking dreadful) then MIL got her turn to hold DD and started coughing all over her, she then informs me that she had picked up a virus- I asked them to leave at this point. Since then we have butted heads over everything, I'm not comfortable with unsupervised visits as she has shown me countless time she doesn't take any regard towards my safety concerns for DD and seems to purposely do the opposite of what I ask and then hassles both DH and I to let her keep the baby constantly, when I take DD to see her she constantly makes passive aggressive comments (eg she said I need to wear makeup and take care of myself so DH doesn't wander.. That I'm keeping her away from her baby- my DD, that I should let them have her whenever they want and that I'm too clingy, overprotective and a b**ch, ruining her family dynamics, tells these things to DD) she also refuses to follow the rules I have set (no sick visits allowed- the past 5 times I've visited, even with checking that no one is ill someone has been sick and she has lied to me about it, no children kissing baby, no kissing baby on lips, that she is not to stand and walk with baby as she has serious health issues and cannot walk unassisted, no solid food- baby is only 3 months) none of my inlaws have made any effort to actually come and visit apart from the first visit and seem to prefer to whinge amongst themselves and plan spiteful things (eg my DDs Xmas gift from them is apparently photos with their name labels so she knows who they are) I've said to them countless times that all they need to do is message me if they would like to visit her and we can arrange it but not once has this happened, it seems as if I'm the only one who makes the effort to organise for them to see her and they refuse to come to us, we have to go to them. I've actually gotten to the point when even a phone call or planning a visit leads to me having a giant anxiety attack and I have been experiencing extreme anxiety around them! To make matters worse DD is a shy little baby and they refuse to pass her back to me when she needs to be fed or is hysterically crying they just ignore me until DH tells them to hand her back. I'm just at a loss as to what to do any advice would be appreciated

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Nanawind Tue 12-Dec-17 22:01:16

Dil.seekingAdvice
If this situation has been so bad that it's needing you to take medication and has put you into therapy then I'm sorry but I think you need to take care of No1 (YOU) and your DD first.
Take a lot of steps back and think do you want your child when she is more alert to see how you are treated, I hope you answer NO.
Do you want to still be on medication for along time NO.
Even with the support of your DH it hasn't stopped any nastiness then even though you don't want too, it is now time to stop contact with DD and this family. Think of how this will affect her when she is older.
I understand different cultures have ways that we are not used to but this is out and out bullying and what ever culture it is not acceptable.

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DILseekingAdvice Wed 13-Dec-17 06:55:26

Yogagirl, I'm not really sure how it would work, when she suggested that I said the doctor has no issues with her weight and he thinks she is perfectly within the range of normal. I think the only way to do it would be to cut a bottle (she's bottle fed, unfortunately I couldn't breast feed :-( ) or reduce the amount of milk, either one i wouldn't even consider doing (she's also drinking the recommended amount for her weight, being a first time mother I track pretty much everything just in case)

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DILseekingAdvice Wed 13-Dec-17 07:17:26

Thanks Nanawind I hate that I'm on medication and your right I don't want this around DD, especially when she's old enough to understand what is going on, she already seems to pick up on the tension and become very unsettled until we leave. Usually they don't behave in a nasty way if DH is in the room, it's if he steps away for any reason that it starts and seems to stop when he re enters. I think it's known he will get quite angry if he sees it first hand especially seeing as he gets quite mad when hearing that it has occurred. It's hard to think about cutting them out completely, I know they love my DH and I know it would hurt him for me to do so as he loves them all so much, and they do love my daughter even if they have some pretty awful ways of showing it I do believe they do but they just don't understand that their actions are dangerous and unsafe (and plain stupid for others). By the looks of it I won't be spending much time with them at all really, my DH has started a new job that requires him to work even more hours than before (he will be lucky to spend more than an hour a day with DD now unfortunately) and I'm also back at work Part time so it's not leaving much room for anything, especially with our agreement of me not ever being alone with them

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Nanawind Wed 13-Dec-17 09:27:02

dil.seekingadvice you have tried to give your in-laws a chance to get to know your DD but it has been thrown back in your face with no respect given to you.
Now your DH is working longer hours the time spent together as a small family will be prescious. If the in-laws want to see your DD at least you can make the rules as they will have to come to your home (one at a time). But only when DH is there as well.
I think you are very kind, as me personally would of cut them out of my life a long time ago.
Take care xx

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FarNorth Wed 13-Dec-17 12:03:59

Your in-laws clearly understand what sort of behaviour is acceptable to your DH, if they only act badly when he is not there.
And they obviously don't care what is acceptable to you or your DD.

Very brief visits, with DH never leaving the room, or no visits at all, is the way I'd recommend.

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Starlady Thu 14-Dec-17 14:11:49

Imo, your ils are bullies and cowards, putting on a front when dh is there because they're afraid of his reaction. They know what they're doing wrong, they just don't care, as long as dh isn't there to witness it and you have no proof.

Any chance of installing a nannycam that you only turn on when they are visiting? LOL - I'm only half joking.

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