Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

I am not sure why you are, on your own, taking DD to see his family, even if OH does work long hours. OK, they won't see much of DD, but as ye sow.............

I think it is important that you only go there with your OH to back you up; and never leave the child there without you.

If they want to see your DD, they have to behave reasonably. Sorry that sounds a bit hardline, but you are allowing yourself to be manipulated. Not a good lesson for DD when she gets more aware.

I m sorry but this sounds like a new life together for your little family away from all this cloying mess
Many children ( mine included ) move to different areas or different countries for no bad reason Me and my kids are all still as close as ever but not near to each other Lots of grandparents only see their grandkids once or twice a year and that’s acceptable It’s your life not your in laws life they ve had their go now it’s your turn
For the sake of peace and your sanity move away and visit on a more formal level
No one needs all this extra stress it’s hard enough with a small baby let alone overbearing rude family

You are right, I am walking into this when I go there alone, and I don't want DD to think this is ok I haven't been in a week and a bit since I spoke to my doctor, he said the same thing as you and advised I shouldn't be going there when they treat me that way and bring on panic attacks ( I had a little break down and told him what was going on , he referred me to a therapist ) I was only doing it to please them in all honestly I want DD to have the same sort of relationship I had with my grandparents and was hoping to foster that. I realised I couldn't keep doing it to myself anymore when I became aware of how bad I was getting because of it

Thank you, I'm glad that it's not just me overreacting to all of this, you ladies have made me feel like I am right to think this is all totally inappropriate and crazy. Honestly I would love to move away, we live about an hour away currently I do feel like I'm basing so much of my time on just trying to please them and have them accept me but I don't think it's going to happen, even sitting here now I'm realising how much of my time I actually spend trying to make them happy and like me kind of thinking its a bit ridiculous now

Jaw dropping reading about the little nieces running round carrying a tiny baby

Lovely to let them hold her when they are sitting firmly on a chair or sofa with adult supervision, but she is not a dolly to be carried around!

I don't think you need a therapist (well, I can't judge but it doesn't sound like it) - you just need ground rules and need them to be implemented. You and your DH must both agree and be firm about this.

and it's time he told his mother not to be so rude to you too - or does she say these things out of his earshot?

It sounds as if you need to keep your DD away from these people, even if they hare her relations, just for her own safety! Go into mother lion mode and don't be afraid to stand up for her. Good luck.

Are, nor hare. Proof-read, proof-read!!

That's enough to set the alarm bells ringing. You wanted advice then take it! Keep away from her and keep the baby away from her. There is absolutely no grounds there for a relationship and if your husband wants to visit her let him do so. Being married doesn't mean you have to put up with such behaviour.
She is a bully and the only way to deal with them is to stand up to them. So do it!

There was a report in the papers today about families where grandparents are bringing up their grandchildren, usually because the parents have addiction problems. In most cases the grandparents do all they can to facilitate contact between child and parent but research has shown that when this happens the mental health outcomes are worse than when the child has no contact at all with their parents.

DILseekingAdvice. I suspect it works with other family relationships as well. I do understand you wanting your child to have contact with your DH's family, but considering the research results above. If your MiL and family behave the way they do, then maybe it will be better for your child as well as you if you cut contact with them.

Many children grow up without a full complement of grandparents or any at all and live perfectly happy childhoods and grow up to be happy and balanced adults.

Have you married into the Sopranos? I wouldn't let my baby anywhere near this grisly bunch, and I'm amazed that your DH has turned out well (he has, hasn't he?). For the sake of your well-being, and that of your DD and any future DC you may have, I'd seriously consider moving far enough away to rule out regular visits.

DIL I can't remember my grandparents at all - one set died before I was born, the others I barely remember because they died when I was very young.

I would have loved to have known them all, they sound lovely by all accounts - but it never occurred to me that I was deprived in any way by not knowing them as I grew up.

"I want DD to have the same sort of relationship I had with my grandparents"

But that's not going to happen as these are a completely different type of people.

It seems they have always been nasty so they are not likely to change.
You'd be best to keep yourself and DD well away from them.

Nonnie "One more won't make any difference!" Really?

DIL You have happy memories of your relationship with your grandparents. That is lovely. To be honest though I am struggling to imagine your Daughter being able to develop a similar relationship with your MIL - different person! Can you imagine your own grandparents behaving like you describe your MILs behaviour|? I suspect not....sadly your wish for your own child may never ever be possible, least of all because of the way she will see them treating you/your DH as she grows up!¬

"... it seems as if I'm the only one who makes the effort to organise for them to see her..."

So stop. It sounds as if they're not that interested, anyway, I'm sorry to say. And dh can't be that into having dd around them if he won't make any effort. Stop trying and see where it goes.

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much. "

All we are hearing is so much heavy criticism of your mother in law. Have you ever been able to discuss these difficulties with a third party, someone who is not so closely involved?

Such a third party might be able to look at this with an entirely different perspective. We have only your side of this long tirade against your mother in law.

I do not intend to be harsh but so far this rant appears to be all about "you" and what you want. There is a baby and relatives on both sides involved and you may need them particularly when you work 60hrs a week.

I know I couldn't believe it when I heard that happened! I love for children to interact with her (as long as it's done safely) but I set some safety requirements as children are children and don't always see that things can be dangerous, I told no ill feelings towards the child I am still quite upset that the adults didn't see the issue though! And thankyou I am only seeing the therapist to help sort through my feelings and develop coping skills for my anxiety I feel that will be beneficial for me

Nelliemoser, we only ever get one side of a situation, here on GN, and have to make of it what we can.
I don't see DiL's posts as a rant. Neither do most others who have responded.

Nelliemoser, I can understand where you are coming from, yes I have actually discussed it all with a third party, I don't include family and friends when I say this as they tend to side with the person they are closest to although they do see her behaviour as less than appropriate I have also discussed her with my doctor, as he was my first point of contact when I started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks and I will also be discussing with my therapist in my appointments, I can't tell her side as I'm not living this through her point of view I can really only share my side so I tried to keep it to actual events that have taken place as I've said earlier I do think family is important and it may seem like a rant saying my MIL is terrible and yes in part it is I of course am not a perfect person either however I try to treat others with respect and dignity -I treat her that way. My main goal is to try to improve the relationship so that we can have a happier family dynamic and honestly if I wasn't desperate I wouldn't have posted here, I get that it seems that it's all about me and yes it is in this case but only because of the way I'm treated I'll be honest I don't think I'm over reacting and I also don't think I should just have to get over how I feel for her sake, I'm not saying that to be rude either I did come to gransnet to get views on grandparents so I do respect your take on this :-)

Sorry that was meant to say from not on

Oh he does tell her to not be mean she tends to do it out of ear shot or when I have taken DD to see her while he is at work

Could this book be of some help?
www.hive.co.uk/Product/Susan-Forward/Toxic-In-Laws--Loving-Strategies-for-Protecting-Your-Marriage/14729668?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI5YWloard1wIVyZPtCh2QHQTrEAQYAyABEgJtAvD_BwE
Other outlets are available

Thanks ladies I was trying to reply to everyone individually but I'm a little overwhelmed with all the advice! I do agree with posters saying that DD shouldn't be left alone there, I base this off events that have occurred involving DD as well as events that have occurred with the other grandchildren I've had to pull the other children out of dangerous situations that others just found amusing . I also do think you are all right to say I shouldn't be going there without DH, at least for my emotional wellbeing. I think it's also true that DD won't have the same relationship with my partners mother that I did with my grandparents, that was really the reason I was trying to make such an effort to visit with her but it's true that if they don't make the effort then it's showing that they really aren't interested. I don't think she will change at all I guess I'm just hoping for a miracle where everything changes. I've considered asking MIL to attend a session with me although I don't think she would actually attend, I don't really want to completely cut her off at the end of the day she's still my sweet DHs mother and he does love her I just don't want to put up with feeling this way for the rest of my life and I definitely don't want my daughter to be negatively effected I just want to protect her. I know it sounds like I really dislike her, honesty I don't hate her it makes me very sad that we don't have a good relationship and that she doesn't respect the choices I make as DDs mother as well as being her sons partner. I am going to take all of your advice on board, I do think you have given me some pretty solid advice! I do plan on following it after discussing with my partner further

Thanks I'll order that and read! It could be quite helpful