Apologies

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I see a lot of hurt mothers on here, and I wonder where all went wrong. It’s quote unfortunate, and as much as everyone’s story may be different, the vast majority of conflict and estrangement seems to evolve between mothers and their adult sons. MILs and DILs can’t see eye to eye. Grandchildren cut off over adult fall outs. Sons being blamed for not having a backbone. Or being under their wives control. There’s obviously a disconnect somewhere. But where? After reading many of the responses, the common theme amongst 90% of the responses seems to be, “I’m estranged but I don’t know what I did wrong.” Again on a very case specific basis, do we all really not know what we did wrong, or are we too embarrassed to admit our faults to our estranged child? How many of sincerely apologize? When do we stop blaming others and reflect more on our own imperfections? Are we totally without blame? Were we respectful of other people’s choices? Are your apologies sincere?

An apology is an acknowledgment of one’s fault. An admission of discourtesy; followed by an expression of regret or remorse. An apology acknowledges the harm your actions caused. Irrespective of whether or not you think they were harmful. An apology is sincere. Its sincerity is self-spoken. Sincere apology open platforms for dialogue. Insincere apologies effectively add locks, to previously locked doors.

Was your apology sincere? Did it show that you’ve taking responsibility for your actions? Did your apology show you taking ownership? Taking ownership helps rebuild trust with the estranged individual. Apologies that lack sincerity, further function to jeopardize your overall integrity, and cause the relationship to be more toxic. Yes, apologizing is hard work. It means that one has to accept that they were wrong, admit to fault and shun their distasteful behavior. But at times our egos cloud our better judgment. Pride, family/social status. stubbornness, and embarrassment etc. further impair our better judgement. These are factors that inhibit our admission to fault. Start by expressing remorse, admitting responsibility, empathizing and making amends. Don’t offer excuses, never apologize when angry, don’t apologize repeatedly. Promise it will not happen again.

If your apologies sound/have sounded anything close to the ones listed below you to step back, rethink and re-offer a sincere apology to your estranged child. Remember an apology though necessary isn’t always sufficient, so allow for time to heal the wounds you caused. As you allow for time to do its job, remember integrity: its not in your place to dictate, control or question the victims healing time, or whether or not they choose to forgive you.

Examples of apologies that may be ignored on a lack of sincerity basis.

1.The power struggle apology. (Ok. I’m sorry. Why should I apologize first?).

2.The entitled apology. (I’m sorry. Remember, I’m your Mother/Father/Spouse etc)

3.The fake apology - (I’m sorry you/she/he, felt that way).

4.The assumptive apology. (I think I may have hurt you. I’m sorry).

5.Apologies that excuse the abuser’s bad behavior. (I’m sorry, but I only acted out of love).

6.Victim blaming apologies. (I’m sorry, but no one has ever made me so upset).

7.Victim shaming apologies. (I’m sorry but he/she shouldn’t have done that).

8.The evasive apology. (I’m sorry but I don’t know what I did wrong).

9.Apologies that dispute the abusers’ offence. (I’m sorry if that happened).

10.The controlling apologies. (I’m sorry but we need to move on).

11.The insincere apologies (Sorry but we’ve both made many mistakes).

12.The abusive apology. (I’m sorry but I’m hurting because of you)

13.The sarcastic apology. (Fine! I’m sorry).

14.The gas lighting apology. (I’m sorry, it’s all in your head – a very dangerous apology).

15.The expectations apology. (How many times have I said sorry?)

16.The reverse apology. (I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me first).

17.The accusatory apology. (I’m sorry I called you lazy, but everyone thinks you’re lazy).

18.The mind game apology (I’m sorry but none of this would have happened if you’d listened to me).

19.The defensive apology. (I’m sorry, everyone knows it’s not in my character to act that way)

20.The manipulative apology. (I’m sorry, just trust me).

21.The treacherous/vengeful apology. (I’m sorry, but she/he needs to go).

How sincere are you when you apologize?