Overwhelmed

There’s such a fine line between doing too little & too much. And it’s not easy to say no.

But nothing is worth you being ill or unhappy. I think we are of that generation which wants to give back to others, quite forgetting our own needs, especially if we live alone.

It took me a while but I now try hard not to do things which I don’t enjoy. I also work hard to give my family space. I moved to be close after my husband died but I love my home and have a small network of friends.

Good luck with getting the balance right in your life. I am sure if she needs to that your daughter will manage. She will get tgevhelp she needs, I’m convinced of that.

As the others say, you have got to change something before you make yourself ill. I think you should talk to your daughter and son-in-law and let them see how unhappy you are where you are living. Tell them that you want to help and thought it would only be temporary at first, but you are trying to do far too much and will have to start saying No for your health's sake. Retirement ought to be when you can enjoy your time living your life how you want to.

For me the first thing would be moving to a greener place. I know how important that is for me. I used to go to stay with my son and his family in London, only a few days at a time, but I used to start feeling depressed at being surrounded by ugly buildings and traffic as soon as I arrived. I think it would finish me off to live in such a place. Although I loved my son and his family, I was always glad to get back home to my own garden on the edge of countryside.

I hope you find a solution.

Is your daughter's depression partly due to regret for her losing fertility. It does creep up on women in middle age as children grow up. Counselling might help her.

It sounds as if you are doing a great job with your grandson. Please, under no circumstances, give up on him, boys are very vulnerable after that start and above everything, need stability and reliable adult contact.

My younger daughter lives 3 hours away by car and has also adopted a little boy that had a troubled start to life. I love him dearly and would love to be a bit nearer so that he could help with him as he can be rather a handful. Thankfully she has found a school that is really supportive and has a really good circle of friends to turn to for help, or just a shoulder to cry on or have a rant with! It took a while to get his condition recognised (same as your grandson) and many a tear was shed in the process. A great deal of patience and love are needed and I can imagine that you all must feel overwhelmed at times. The rewards are boundless and worthwhile, hang on in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel

vwaves I do hope getting it all off your chest has helped to give you a new perspective. I agree with all the others who have said that you have no need to feel guilty and really do need to care for yourself as much as you care for others
As a Warrington girl myself (though I haven't lived there for many years) I can understand how drastic the difference is between there and Cornwall but there are lovely villages and small towns in the surrounding area where you might find a life style which suits you better. And moving a bit further out would make your DD and SiL realise that they have to learn to cope better on their own.
As it happens I am off to Warrington tonight for a 2 week stay to visit family and friends. By the end of the fortnight I'll be more than happy to come home to Cyprus!!

Hi vwaves
We moved from Cheshire to Cornwall 6 months ago, not made new friends yet, but will when I get out and about.

I agree with some that say come back to Cornwall, you need to do what makes you happy, stress is bad.
Your family will learn to cope. They must have others who can help,

You obviously miss Cornwall, just come back.

Take care and let us know what you will do.

Junie

I firstly want to congratulate you on doing so well in such difficult circumstances- you are being pulled in many different directions and must be exhausted. So remind yourself of everything you are doing right often!

CFS is associated with depression, and an old doctor colleague used to say he could diagnose clinical depression because it was "catching" - he felt a bit depressed when he left. Could you be a little understandably depressed now too? If that could be lifted would solutions come to you a little easier??

I agree with others that your daughter needs much more input for her son and sadly depending on where you live that can be a bit of a task to get - and fighting is hard when you are exhausted and depressed. Support groups can help show the way through the maze.

Ring fencing some time regularly in your callendar for you would really be of benefit and so not selfish- if you are well you can better help others. Do anything you find positive but you are not available at that time.

I worry for your SIL too - so many husbands in special needs families cannot cope and leave - so very many. I fancy he needs more support than he is expressing and worse yet may be difficult to support. Unfortunately they often find the "support" elsewhere if they do not feel valued or believe they have failed and have nothing to offer.

As to your geography I think it is general unhappiness you feel that is being projected onto the place - Cornwall would also have its issues now- sometimes it is the time we long for rather than the place.

You will get through this! Be patient with yourself! Be kind to yourself! Love yourself and remind yourself of all you are doing right! Clearly you are a very caring and loving individual with huge patience and devotion to family!
You should be proud of who you are and all you do!

Warrington has two U3A groups for 50+ retired and semi-retired. You will find groups in these with many activities and outings.
Trips, holidays, social and interest groups, all part of The Third Age trust,aka U3A.
I moved to the area and love the walks, villages and being able to get to Manchester,Chester and Liverpool.

She got ill after she took on the children. But I must say she is one of those always looking for the next thing. A purchase, holiday, parrot (that was a disaster) and of course you can't return adopted kids. I must say I am bit shocked by how little support there seems to be available. I looked into homestart yesterday but that is for under fives.
My Cornwall friends did say daughter would end up just taking me for granted and that is the snag with being here all the time! But I must say I was struggling with the drive from Cornwall to Warrington/Wales. It is a long way Lots of food for thought!!!!

Oh that is interesting Nellie. Where did you move from?

{smile}

Go back to Cornwall. You and your life is every bit as important as anything else.

Did your daughter know she had CFS when she adopted the children? Or has this been the result of the adoption process?

Plenty of people manage to raise a family with poor health, I did, she can find ways to cope that don't involve swamping you with responsibilities.

You alone are responsible for your own happiness, Cornwall is fabulous, Warrington and Prestatyn hardly compare to a beautiful place where your friends and former life are.

If you don't sort yourself out, your own health will break down and you may not be around much longer to help anyone. Worst case scenario you could become someone they have to help.

Like some others here I feel tired just reading of all the things you are coping with. Eighteen months isn't a great length of time and maybe given another year you will be looking at a better picture regarding making friends, but you certainly do seem to be shouldering a lot of burdens for others. There is good advice here that I certainly couldn't improve upon but I do wish you well and maybe having got this all off your chest you will feel lighter today at least. I hope so - good luck with everything.

My goodness, vwaves, you really need to look after yourself now. By the way, has your daughter ever contacted the ME Association? It's online, just type in ME Association UK. Cognitive behavioural therapy isn't always helpful and some people find that graded exercise therapy actually sets them back. NICE is going to revise its guidelines but not for a couple of years.

Meanwhile, good luck!

You’ve just had a chest infection! Such a downer. Also there are some lovely smaller places to live in Cheshire so you wouldn’ T have to move far. And I get a very warm vibe from your relationship with the adopted grandson. Sometimes when you are spread thin from being over needed and think your own needs are not being fulfilled you may overlook that many of our needs are being needed. (Phew) you are honest hardworking strong and you can do it. Have a look in villages in south of Cheshire perhaps on a railway line ... (expensive part of the country though) or you could move up to the lakes ...near the dales. So much beauty up north. Get a dog get grandson to stay and to look forward to staying. You can do it. And you’ll still be near your daughter ... good luck

I am in CBT (Cognitive Behavourial Therapy ) for life issues. The one thing I have learnt through this is my covert life rule was "I am responsible for everything and everyone-but I need someone to depend on" we are now working on the rule change to which is now through this process "I am responsible for me-which equips me to care for others"

In other words self care first. Your heading for a breakdown as your exhausted and depressed. That's why I shared what I did above

You need to get some therapy to help you work through this and regain control of your own life. Essentially you are enabling your daughter and son in law to stay stuck in their problems as you are doing way too much for them. They are giving nothing back.

They are living in the problems and not the answers. You need for your sanity to get help for you. You can't carry on like this.

They wont like it and it doesn't mean you can't still help however you have to live your own life too. They adopted the children and it is down to them to find ways around everything.

I totally get ill health. I have had mental health issues from a young age. After finally fleeing the ex 17 years ago with my now adult children I had a mound of physical problems appear as aftermath to my life story.

I too have CFS, a stomach and bowel condition, fibromyalgia and the threads/symptoms of it along with mental health issues which are more managed today than they manage me. I have learnt how to manage them daily

I wish you well and feel for you. You aren't going to change your daughter and son in law so you need to empower your own life by finding a plan that works for you. Good luck.

I totally get where you are coming from but I fear things will get worse before they get better. I speak from experience. Your daughters marriage will need to be extremely strong to survive the children growing up. I adopted and what’s tricky at age 5 can be an absolute nightmare as the children move into high school. The expectation of adopters is that they will cope with little support but there is an adoption support fund now that can be used to help. Parents elderly and at distance is also going to be extremely stressful as they become frailer. Warrington does have some small surrounding villages that may offer a better experience in terms of community. Lymm, Winwick or somewhere a bit further but close by like Knutsford, West Kirby or Rainford. Going back to Cornwall will put all the issues at a distance and may protect your sanity. Otherwise you will need to prioritise who and where you support. Your daughters issues are lifetime ones and by being there you are not only supporting but you are enabling. They won’t go away. I do hope you find some peace. In the meantime there are some beautiful national trust parks and gardens within an hour ifcwarrington to recharge your batteries.

VWaves do you ask yourself why you have a chest infection? If you became really ill you wouldn't be able to do anything for anybody. So now is the time to be more selfish. I do hope you feel better very soon

Go back to Cornwall ! I have friends in Birmingham with family in Newquay and they fly from Brum to Newquay which is far less stressful than driving. Find out if there is a similar service to Manchester or Liverpool. If you need a car you could hire one for your stay. Hope this is helpful.

Hello Ywaves, you have already been offered lots of good advice from others for your very complex situation and I can only add a few extra comments. You asked if anyone had been able to say no. I have started saying no in recent years without feeling bad about it. I started looking after the first of my gc when i was in my 60's but noticed it was getting harder. I started making comments to all my children that we had a good day but I was absolutely exhausted and was going to go to bed early/ was waking up tired/ my back was painful etc When discussions took place over care for the most recent gc I offered 1 day explaining that as the years had passed I could not cope with more.They were pre prepared and found other care. I now have just one child for 1 day because I want to. I have realised that the things that make me happy are : social interaction ((U3A groups, walking groups, single traveller holidays) : being outdoors in the countryside or my garden: being able to see my children and gc regularly for just an hour or two: the feeling of freedom and that I dont have to do anything if I dont want to. Sit down undisturbed in a quiet countryside spot and give some thought to what makes you happy. You have done your duty in bringing up your own family and now it is time to think of your own health and happiness. If you become ill you will be of no help to anyone.

sorry to be at odds ladies but I could never walk away from my daughter when she was in such need of help.Children are ours until we die .Thats not to say you shouldn't help her manage her problems and make sure she gets all the medical help available but to me leaving a little one who has already had seperation issues is just plain cruel .Regardless of what relation you are to him he has grown to love you and depend on you and you seem to be fond of him so dont abandon him at this stage .Get your daughter back on her feet and then move if you must ..or get them to move with you so you can still be of use and have your friends around you .

Homesick is the word I would use....for your life in Cornwall....the beauty of it all... and everything that relates to it. When you take into it all the geography involved here...Warrington...Prestatyn...Sussex... it's exhausting just thinking about it all never mind the logistics involved of actually fitting it all in. I think you need to be really honest with yourself, ask yourself could you go back to Cornwall and live there again without too many problems. If you know deep down that the answer is yes, then make it happen and go back. You can,t live other people"s lives for them. Maybe sell your caravan in Prestatyn as well and have a complete rethink. I do have some sympathy for your daughter and her situation, but it is affecting your health too and that can"t go on indefinitely.

Oh dear!
I agree with some other GNers that reading your dilemma made me feel as if I'd run a marathon.
You are trying far too hard to be all things to all people but you MUST renember that you can't help others if you don't care for yourself in the first place.
My idea is that you write a list of things you want and need in your life, things that really matter such as a more rural environment with plenty of opportunities to make proper friendships.
For as long as you take the brunt of your daughter's negativity and make up the shortfall in caring for her children, it will continue because you are there. Your SiL must do more, after all, you have other GC and family AND YOURSELF to consider.
Write down the things you really don't want to continue doing and don't be afraid to put your foot down. YOU have a right to enjoyment instead of constantly thinking of picking up the slack in everyone elses life and fixing their problems.
Be kind to yourself because you sound as if you're heading for a meltdown.
I wish you luck and courage to do what is best for you as no-one else seems to give you any thought. If you carry on doing the same things you'll always get the same result.

Paddyann, I am in agreement with you to a large extent but I think it is about getting the right balance. It seems to me that vwaves is having trouble fitting in everything she has to do and make friends so Warrington feels like home. My suggestion would be to define explicit times when you can help out with the children and do no more until you have your life balance to your liking. As for the husband, he has chosen to take on kids, having them at weekends is what parents do, that is not down to you. He might not have realised he was taking on a wife with CFS too but they need to sort out a way for them to have a bit of a break without you. I would suggest they look for a children's club or something at the weekend that they can take the children to so they can let off steam. For the little boy, in particular, he might enjoy cubs, football or hockey club or many other sports things that would burn off some steam. Even better, if his father could get involved so he could build up that bond which would make his son more responsive.
I have a daughter with EDS and CF is a major part of that, along with digestive issues, eye problems, etc, so I understand how obliged you feel when they can't cope. I more than empathise with the negativity and a reluctance to do what the professionals ask. However, we got Adult Social Services involved and she now gets a direct payment for help when her husband can't step in. Does your daughter get PIP? If she struggles and needs help this is another way of having the money to pay someone to help. My DD uses some of hers for her 6 year old to go to cake club once a week which is straight after school.
If you can get some regular time to yourself, you too might be able to find a club or group where you can start to make friends. You will need to make it an absolute time where you are not available to anyone else. The other thing which may be available for you is "Time to Talk" or even a "carers" group. The former would give you a chance to talk to someone about how to sort out your feelings about your relationships, life balance, mild depression, etc.
I think if you walk away without trying to make it work (and 18 months really isn't that long even if it feels it), you will feel guilty so you still won't be truly happy. The thing that shines through is how much that relationship with a difficult little boy who had such a terrible start in life, means to the both of you. It sounds like you are his salvation and although it isn't necessarily a responsibility you wanted, it is an honour too. I would suggest that his parents went to parenting classes (they'll come to the house if your dd is too fatigued to got them) so they can learn how to give the little chap the support he needs.

Sorry, that was a mega long post! Pm me if you want, vwaves.