Overwhelmed

You have taken far too much on, and the more you give the more that will be expected of you.
If you have a breakdown who is there to look after you?
Those around you can barely fend for themselves so you would be just a burden.
Time for you to live your life for yourself. Back to Cornwall with its lovely surroundings and your circle of friends.
Those who rely on/sponge off you can always relocate.

Your daughter can get support from the post adoption team, especially if her son has issues from birth. They can arrange assessments and additional support.

I have family who live in Warrington and they love it, but they have always lived around that area, but it's certainly nothing like Cornwall.

Please Don't make yourself unhappy, that only leads to depression. They can visit, you can visit, but you need to be happy as well.

Like others I felt exhausted reading your post and I guess you are, there are so many different problems here. First of all you need to remember why you felt you had to move from Cornwall in the first place, if you go back will you be able to settle again? If you move to a small village make sure you have the facilities you will need as time goes on. Your daughter I fear had an idea of family life which hasn't happened and has become ill. Small children are exhausting, mums can sometimes cope where dad can't. They must find clubs, groups etc that are going to help them bring up this damaged small boy, obviously you want to help but it is not your responsibility. Your DD needs to discuss everything with her GP and find help for herself and her son and you must be more honest about what you can do. You say you go to some groups and it does take time to make one to one friends so just try and enjoy the group. Check if there is a GN meet up near you. I hope you feel better soon.

I agree that you’ve probably taken on too much-and you’re not alone there. It’s a time of life when we fancy that we can be all things to all people and I’ve come to the conclusion from my own experiences that it’s a delusion! No-one will thank you for it (or ayleast that’s what I’ve found) and at best we end up unhappy, and at worst, unwell. I would say, try to do what you want, even if it means moving house again, and only do what you comfortably and happily can, for others. You are equally as important as anyone else in your family.

Most of us need a bolt hole but I would hesitate moving back to Cornwall as it appears you do not have family in that area which seems to be the main reason you moved from that county.
You state you do not have time to make friends as you are too busy then say you have 'actually made friends in Prestatyn How many friends do you need.? You have been on a cruise.? Ask yourself what is it you really want? Do not take offense but consider getting help to offload the negative thoughts going around in your mind. A recent chest infection is not helping matters
Until then do not make any big decisions you may later regret.

*I’m with Telly on this one, none of these problems are yours! *

That all depends on how you view your role as a mother.

Oh wow, vwaves, there is a lot happening there. With a counselling head on, you need to look at all of your difficulties and decide which one to work on, first. Which one is the biggest problem, or which will be the easiest to sort out? In truth, you’re better off dealing with the big problem first, as that will not only be the best for you but it will also dwarf the other difficulties and help you put them into perspective. When life is full of happenings, time passes so quickly and then you find there’s nothing left for you (you know the ‘when I have time, I will …. ’ promise). So please sit yourself down in a quiet place (please find time to do that) and think of your way forward.

You might also be able to persuade your doctor to give you six counselling sessions, known as ‘solution-focused therapy’ and that’s exactly what I have described above.

Good luck.

vwaves I am with OldMeg She speaks wisely. Make sure the list is only what you want for yourself - happy home in the country etc.

There is so much here, I can quite easily see you becoming exhausted and ill. Do the list, as OldMeg says, putting 3 main things at the top. Then set about your action plan to achieve it as soon as is reasonable.
Remember - the list is of things you want. You cannot hold others lives in your hands. They have to be responsible, even your poor daughter with CFS. Her negativity no doubt is the depression which comes with CFS and she should go to her doctor and ask for help. I've got chronic pain and have been diagnosed with both M.E. and Fibromyalgia (separate from the pain which is related to damaged nerves). I live alone and have money worries. I have to cope on my own. Actually I prefer to. People trying to help just make impossible suggestions which are upsetting and I have to be polite and say thank you when I'm feeling upset! Your daughter and SIL must sort out their family. You can still visit when your life is exactly how you want it. Then you will be in a position of strength.
Please - do as wise OldMeg advises!

SussexGirl60 I just wanted to say I really like what you say and how you said it! We grannies have a tendency to try to be all things to all people and it doesn't work and definitely no-one says thank you!

At Grandmother time we have to put our needs first and use our resources to meet those needs. Then we are strong for our family.

I do hope writing it all down has helped you. It is very difficult and emotionally draining when you get pulled in so many directions. There are lovely places between Warrington and North Wales where you could move to and find what you are looking for, and be within an hours drive of both sets of grandchildren, and all the culture on offer in Chester. We are just over an hour away from our grandchild who us in this country and we see her regularly each week. Being near the motorway/good railway connections helps when you need to go south.

Only you can decide what is most important, life is too short to be unhappy and put upon. If your daughter is struggling with the children and her marriage, then she and her husband have to find their own solutions not use you to cover the cracks.

vwaves sorry to hear of your difficulties as a carer. CFS is very difficult to care for and live with, as there is no treatment available on the NHS for it.

Have you thought of accessing a carers support group or carers centre in Warrington? You will get support and maybe ideas about what council support might be available for your daughter?

Also, a small friendly town like Hebden Bridge sounds like it might be somewhere you might consider visiting? It has cultural, artistic and many walks. Its not too far from Warrington.

It sounds like you need support as a carer from Carers UK and that all around you need to accept they need to be assessed for or pay for carer help, even if only alternate days or 2-3 days at 2 hours maybe.

Your DD and SIL might ease up on your DGS if there was more help around. If nothing works for them with DGS, it may be an approach to Children's Services for support might be in order.

Good luck - priority is, support for you with other carers.

keffie What a fantastic reply! So helpful! I do hope you are on the "up" and that the other health problems are in decline. I can definitely identify with you in many things you said. (I mentioned some of mine in a previous reply). Your reply is helpful to me, so I am sure the OP will find it helpful. Take life gently and look after yourself, you kind lady

I agree with Icanhandthemback. I know it’s hard to find the right balance between taking care of yourself and helping your daughter by taking care of the kids. If you withdrew support and then her husband left, it would be very hard on those children. Perhaps try to look after yourself more, and to get other help for your daughter.

Has she tried Dr Myhill’s suggestions? I have had ME/CFS, and they helped me.
www.drmyhill.co.uk/wiki/CFS_Checklist_-_start_off_and_check_your_treatment_regime_here

There are other pages on CFS on her website. She has also written a book about it.
www.drmyhill.co.uk/wiki/CFS_-_my_book_%22Diagnosis_and_Treatment_of_Chronic_Fatigue_Syndrome%22

All the best.

Do not feel guilty! You are trying to help too many people...except yourself.

Your life is important too, and you must start thinking about it. You will be no good to anyone at this rate.

If you want to move back to Cornwall, then you must. Do it before time runs out.

There are professionals to help your family, and they should make use of them.

I had to read your post twice to take it all in. Tons of excellent advise already given. One thing that I would like to mention that I don’t think anyone has replied about as yet. The fact your sil was stressed and stayed in a hotel for the night and is spending a lot of time messaging a “friend” from work please keep an eye out with this situation because my family have had similiar issue where a male member couldn’t cope with issues in the family unit and turned to another for distraction and support and grew a lot closer to said person than he should of done. Your sil should be supporting your dd not running to others because that can result in more issues. As others have said decide where you are needed the most and offer small rest bites of help. Then spend a few days for you. Wish you well.

No doubt that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a debilitation condition, but there is much debate about its true nature. Your daughter's depression could be the real culprit here, playing a major role.

Depression (in and of itself) can cause a variety of symptoms (sadness, excessive sleeping, irritability and tiredness, lack of motivation, negativity etc.). Has your daughter gotten any professional help for her depression? She could benefit from that above everything else.

I really can't add much more, other than reiterating the fact that you seem to be giving up far more than you're receiving!

Like some of us here have already said....think about how YOU want the rest of your life to be, then find a way to make that happen. Where to start? Take care of your own health first and learn to say 'no' more often. You need to start making choices that work for you, not everyone else!

No doubt that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a debilitation condition, but there is much debate about its true nature. Your daughter's depression could be the real culprit here, playing a major role.

Depression (in and of itself) can cause a variety of symptoms (sadness, excessive sleeping, irritability and tiredness, lack of motivation, negativity etc.). Has your daughter gotten any professional help for her depression? She could benefit from that above everything else.

I really can't add much more, other than reiterating the fact that you seem to be giving up far more than you're receiving!

Like some of us here have already said....think about how YOU want the rest of your life to be, then find a way to make that happen. Where to start? Take care of your own health first and learn to say 'no' more often. You need to start making choices that work for you, not everyone else!

Dang if I know why my post appears twice

Hi vwaves; some fab advise here.You must do what you need/want to do.. I moved away firm my kids/parents when I remarried. But now drive up (1 hours +drive each way) to child mind for DGD once a week, twice during hols.... wouldn't want to do more! Also had to help out with DS mental health problems and ageing parents...( Dad now died and Mum in good Apartment with Care attached - had 2 siblings to help with that).. it is difficult but living further away somehow made it easier ( live 2 hrs away).
Not wishing to sound like I'm only thinking of "Me" but never thought about moving back closer, as I believe now it's my time to do as I need/want with my OH...

Oh, vwaves you poor love! I read this to DH and he said you have set yourself a tough task which stopped me in my tracks. Forgive me for just thinking on virtual paper but I just wondered what would happen if you just stopped and got off this treadmill in which you have become enmeshed. I don't think the world would stop and you might even be able to give yourself the TLC you clearly need to get better from this chest infection. You wouldn't have that if you were not run down so clearly you are already on the slippery slope. If finances allow could you get away for an all inclusive holiday somewhere warm to get better? If no cash could a friend put you up so that you could relax and recuperate?
You see I think your first priority is actually you and that is what your body is telling you. It is a warning, so stop and look after your health or you will be the one in trouble and who will actually drop everything to look after you?
Speak to DD and SIL and tell them that you are really unwell because you have been overdoing things. End of. No need to work out how they are going to manage because they did it before you got there and if you dropped dead they would jolly well have to anyway. Sorry to be so blunt but it is true.
Speak to brother and tell him that his parents want to visit him and he will have to manage that as you are too unwell to be involved. End of. Why should you get involved after all?
As for parents and spending three weeks with them. It is too long really and in fact you should ALL be having a holiday. Tell them that you cannot carry on in the same way and that you need to work out a different way forward. They probably don't realise that you are getting older too! You are still their child!
There are ways and means of getting help for all the different situations which exist and you do not need to be the king pin so extricate yourself from as much as you can as soon as you can.

You are having a rough time! We look after grandchildren and feel guilty saying no , especially to my daughter who is a single parent. But I made it clear that we need a break once a month and asked that they find paid help to step in for us to disappear in our campervan for a few days. We come back feeling de-stressed and ready for the fray again. I hope you find something that works for you.

Brilliant. Thank you

Thank you so much everyone. I tried to reply to some posts but the replies show up in odd places so generally thank you. I can't say how nice it has been to feel supported. Probably a lot of my 'run downness' is not having friends around to have a good laugh and escape with!
Anyway self care it is!
And I will reread all your messages from time to time to remind me to stop and look at what I want. There are some really good suggestions. Thank you. x

As a proud Warringtonian I take exception to your extremely negative view of my home town vwave. Of course it isn't lovely Cornwall whatever made you think it was? Did you not check it out before you moved here? We may not have the drama of wonderful sea shores or the rolling downs of Sussex and we may have suffered civic vandalism in the destruction of our Tudor, Georgian and high Victorian town centre and the deprivations of many industrial towns but to suggest it's a cultural wasteland full of knuckle-dragging neanderthals amid a post-apocalyptic scene of urban decay is, as we say around here, "strictly norron!" (complete with glottal stops). I can only assume it's your difficult family circumstances colouring your dystopian opinion but it really isn't fair to Warrington or its townsfolk.

I should have said I think I could make friends in Prestatyn. Someone set up a Friend Finder group and I managed to make a couple of coffee mornings. Haven't actually got over that way much. It is a smaller place which I can walk around in and people chat in shops etc. There is a nice cinema -ironically Merlin cinema which we had in St Ives.