How to help anxious DIL?

If your son is not either to continue having health problems, or loose (sic) customers or go bankrupt, he will need to understand and make his wife understand that in business hours, his business comes first

Tread warily if this is your genuine opinion. Parenting takes two not the old demarcation of “‘Er indoors while Dad goes down t’pit.”

Look for a better solution, there have been many alternative, and good, suggestions.

Rather than pathologising the DiL, it does rather sound as though it might be more a 'symptom' of the dynamics of the marriage and how they transact.

It won't change until your son wants it to and at the moment he continues to invite more of the same, whether he realises it or not. There will be a reason for that: perhaps it suited him in the beginning

My Dd suffers with anxiety and ptsd. She is Having counselling but also finds the app HEADSPACE amazing. We've seen a huge difference in her since she started that. May help. X

We were in the same position OP but it was my daughter who suffers from anxiety and my SIL who had to pick up my he pieces. It is a stressful time for everybody who has an 8 week old baby so it will be worse for your DIL if she has issues. There is so much to be anxious about with new borns. I think positive comments can do no harm and it may be that your DIL could do with additional support from an agency who deals in helping young families. You could ring MIND for pointers, they are fantastic, or the Health Visitor could signpost you to a group who your DIL could get a mentor from. There is loads of help if you know where to ask.
Is your DIL asking your DS to stay home for her when the baby is crying or is your son just worried? I listened to a conversation with my DD and SIL where she vented and then he came home. From where I was sitting, it just sounded like she needed to vent and he just needed to listen before giving a bit of reassurance but suddenly, he became a ‘rescuer’
Which then led to it being a more stressful situation than it needed to be. You need to be sure there is no co-dependence going on before DIL gets all the blame for your son’s stress. It is a very common dynamic for overly anxious people in relationships.

It sounds as if your son was coping ok before the baby, but now is feeling the strain.

Things will settle down I'm sure. It's early days and the dynamics of their relationship has changed forever - and with that comes much anxiety & worry about life. I think it's par for the course really, except in this situation it's more emphasised by your dil's personality.

I guess your son will just have to trust in his wife and try to stop worrying. He'll soon spot if things are getting out of hand.

In the meantime, all you can do is offer support when and if you can. Just be there.

Many helpful comments. I am already trying to affirm DIL as a good mother - which she is - and a capable mother, which she can become.
I think PPs are also right when they say that DIL and DS have got into this dynamic to a certain extent with DS being the " coper ".
I will reinforce her confidence and encourage DS to consider some GP help for them both.
As I said previously, I work full time so can only offer practical help evenings and weekends - when I have the energy!

I will also investigate HEADSPACE. Thankyou Disney

Lots of good advice from previous posters. The only thing I will add may help you DS with his gout. After my elderly mother developed gout in her 90s and the medication had side effects which were distressing her I looked into nonmedical help for her. I discovered cherry tablets arevery good at stopping attacks starting. Of course cherries also do but you cant get them year round. As as she started on the tablets the side effects went away and she never had another attack of gout. My DSIL thinks he has the best MIL because he suffered with gout from a young man but once he since taking the Cherry tablets he hasnt had another attack in the last four years. Cherry Active from H and B are the ones we use.
I do hope your DIL gets the help she needs because it cant it can't be good to always feel so anxious.

Thanks Daisyboots

I think he knows about cherries being good for the condition but he may not have come across these particular tablets. Will mention them.

Daisyboots, I will definitely be looking at cherry tablets for gout. I became extremely depressed and lethargic on the gout medication whilst the IBS just became unmanageable. Thank you for that tip.