Paternal Grandparents Advice Needed

A baby is not a toy to be shared for goodness sake. I commend you Mumofone88 for coming on here and trying to find a constructive solution to your difficulty, but why oh why are young parents being put into this position by seemingly selfish grandparents?
Last week I stayed with my daughter throughout her labour and the birth of her third child. When it was explained that only two partners are allowed for the actual birth her mother-in-law, who was also present throughout the labour, left the room until after the baby was born. I returned home the following day whilst her mother-in-law took a week off work and stayed at my daughter's home to help out. We didn't discuss or compare how much time we each had cuddling the baby or who got to have pole position at the birth; we simply responded to the needs of baby's parents. My daughter-in-law and son are expecting their first baby in November and, as she has more free time than me, I fully expect my son's mother-in-law to see more of them after the baby is born than I will - and I'm delighted that is the case as I expect they will value her help and experience. As the baby-to-be's Nana and Granny we are both excited at sharing a prospective grandchild.

What is wrong with these people who see grandchildren as somehow their 'property' and expect 'equal rights' to the other sets of grandparents. Babies don't belong to anyone.

I'm shocked the suggestion that because paternal and maternal grandparents love the children in the same way, they should have 'equal time' with their grandchildren. Babies and children shouldn't be shared around like they are comfort blankets. Some adults need to grow up.

Babies won’t remember which grandparent cuddled them most. The needs of the child come first, then the parents and lastly the grandparents and other extended family. A relationship with grandparents builds over time, this notion that “seeing” a baby should be spread out equally doesn’t make sense to me. If the mum wants to spend time with her mum that sounds fairly normal. As long as you are part of their lives how much time exactly you spend together versus the other side of the family, is irrelevant. There are numerous ways of building your relationship with your GC.

@baby1 I think you have misunderstood I am not giving my parents more grandparent time... They are my parents, I want to see them as parents as they raised me for 29 years and I love to be with them. I have never really spent time with my Mother in Law alone, who didn't want to spend time with me alone or make a effort at all to see me on my day off until I had a baby. I am not picking them over her as grandparents who get to see their grandbaby I am picking to see them as they are my parents? Imagine if your son took patenrity leave with a child and his wifes mother said he had to spend a full day a week with her if he spent the day with you and it wasn't fair he saw you? You are his mother and it shouldn't have to be equal between mother and mother in law. He told her she will be seeing baby more than my parents when I'm back working full time but she isn't taking it in. I have been printing photos and not putting them on Facebook at all as don't want jealousy. I am going to try to see her for coffee when I can but not a full day. I have never said no if hubby wants to see pil on weekends but she spends most visits complaining she doesn't see baby enough! I think once a week is alot compared to friends who see their family and I'm saying once a week and I'll try more so if she 'backs off to not be let down further' I think she is cutting her nose off to spite her face!

I am bothered you the comment that your mother 'lets' you hold your baby whilst paternal GP s say ' it's their time'. Baby should have his wishes considered, and as you are the closest, you know what is best for him. He is not, as so many have said, a toy to be taken turns with. You and your husband are the parents and therefore the decision makers, until he is older. GPs are there to help and support, not take over. I wonder if your husband can let them know that in some way?

Oh baby1, please may I give you a little advice that I was given when I was feeling similar to you? Just because a woman becomes a mother, doesn’t mean she stops being somebodies child.

My dil saw her mum at least twice a week before dgs was born, I was lucky if I saw my son twice a month. They also used to have girls days, theatre trips, coffee dates etc. This bond didn’t disappear just because my dgs was born.

Now I want to be completely honest, my dil is fantastic. She has been very forgiving when I have behaved less than desirably, and it is thanks to her I see my dgs every week. She is the one who keeps me up to date on how the little family is doing, and I get several photos sent every week. My son actually made a comment recently that somehow dil got luck & sees her mum less now dgs is born, but he’s stuck seeing me more - I’m choosing to believe it was meant in good humour!

When my dgs was very small he struggled to gain weight. Dil was adamant something was wrong, despite health visitors claiming it to be a feeding issue. Because of this, dil was forced to take my dgs to clinics every week. If my ds didn’t go, dils mother did. I was so hurt, why wasn’t I being included? I found out later (from my ds) that dil left the clinic in tears, every single week. Her mum wasn’t in the room when dil chatted to health visitors, she used to wait outside to give dil privacy. What she did was comfort her distressed daughter when they left.

It turned out, dil has been correct, dgs did have a health issue (thankfully now resolved) but this required a lot of tests and hospital appointments. Dil sent the same ‘copy & pasted’ text to us all with any info following these, but guess who she turned to for comfort when she was scared? Her mother. The morning of one particularly frightening test, my son chose to go to work. Dil phoned her mum, very upset and scared, so her mum went to keep her company. My dgs didn’t know who was there, he didn’t know he was due to have tests, he wasn't nervous or scared, dil was. Her mum could make her a cup of tea just the way she liked it, and hold her hand while she was crying.

My dgs and dil were both recently rather poorly with a virus. I found out dils mum had visited twice to help on evenings when she wouldn’t usually go. I’d had my usual, very pleasant, (but shorter than usual, due to them both being ill) weekly visit. I felt very jealous, why wasn’t I asked to help with dgs? I was being pushed out as the paternal grandmother! It was only when I bumped into dils mum, who told me how very worried she’d been about my dil. She knew my dgs was been well taken care off by dil, she was concerned about her own little girl. I admit, I felt rather ashamed of myself after speaking to her. She hadn’t been there as Gran to dgs, but to mum to my dil. All my dgs needed was his mum, my dil. That’s what he had. She needed somebody.

What I’m trying to say is that yes, it is important to remember that paternal grandparents love their dgc just as much as maternal grandparents. But I think sometime we as grandparents need to remember that sometimes, the other grandparents are there as parents to their ac, not as grandparents. Could you offer the same comfort and support to your dil as her mother does? I’m not sure I would be that good at it.

Please don’t let petty jealous ruin your grandparenting experience. I almost did, I’m so grateful people stepped in and spoke some sense to me before I did.

There are some very good posts on this thread. I’m very impressed with how well some Gransnetters are able to express themselves ?. Hope some replies have been helpful to mumofone88.

Reading posts here I’ve been surprised at how much some grandparents expect to be involved with their grandchildren. My real life experience of other grandparents is that they have lots of other things going on in their lives and grandchildren are only one part. They help out when needed and enjoy occasional visits but don’t expect (or even want!) too much involvement- they’ve reared their own children and now want some time for themselves.

mummyofone88
I wasn’t speaking directly to you , I guess it was more advice I was given and have read on line. In some situations one set of grandparents sees their grandchildren once a month, and the other set many times a week. The set that gets all the time will obviously be way closer to their grandchildren. No as others said they are not toys, and they see who the parents want them to see starting at a young age and that usually continues throughout childhood. Like someone posted above, it seems like grandparents have too much time on their hands and need to find things for themselves, not competing to see their grandchild. I agree, if you are the set of grandparents that doesn’t get much time, find hobbies and stay busy. But that is where some resentment can come in, and someday they may feel they were pushed aside and they will not want to be involved. Mymmyofone88 you are giving both sides time with your baby, which is wonderful. As others posted about relationships before marriage it is two fold. If a daughter saw her mom all the time because they were best friends, they feel even after marriage they should continue seeing them that much. I know men that had best friends that they golfed with and played cards with and watched sports with. When they marry, their wives expect them to not spend time with his best friends, but the wife can continue to spend Fulldays with Mom, because it was her best friend. Everyone should just try to be respectful of others feelings because what goes around eventually makes it way back.

SpanielNanny - thanks for your post, I'm the mat.gran and have a good relationship with the other gran thank goodness.

Baby1, you're right that everyone should try to be respectful of others feelings, what goes around comes around. I don't know any women who expect to continue to spend time with their mothers but expect their husbands to stop seeing friends they golfed with, watched sports and played cards with. No one in my family or friendship group, from those in their 70's to those in their 20's behave in that way.

SpaniLnanny. Most adult children do change the amount of time spent with their parents after they marry. They have their own family now. Just like adults that marry don’t expect to continue seeing their friends as much as they did before they were married. If both continued on as they had been they would have no time for each other let alone a baby.

Reading these type of posts always frustrates me as it just seems like some people are out to cause family dramas with this 'it's not fair' business.

OP, carry on as you are. You are choosing to see your parents becuase they are your parents and not becuase they are your DCs grandparents, presumably you would see them with or without your DC present. If your MIL wants to see her GC more then you DH needs to arrange that, you aren't the gatekeeper for a relationship with his child, he is. You've already got enough going on without having to manage other people's relationships.

For what it's worth, I see my parents around every 2 weeks with 9 month old DD and DP invites his family round every 3-4 weeks. The only fuss that's been made is that DP doesn't take DD there, but that's due to smoking so that's just something they have to accept. And once I go back to work my parents will certainly not be seeing us that often as between work, being a part time student, visiting both sets of parents and our siblings and having time as a family it will just not be feasible. My parents won't like this as they saw both sets of grandparents every weekend, but I hated that growing up and don't want to force that onto DD. But then my mom never worked, so had plenty more time available. I think some people forget that with more women having jobs after DC, family time becomes more limited.

iam64 I’m very fond of my dils mum too, partly because it is thanks to the family values that she instilled in my dil from childhood that encouraged my dil in be so nurturing of not just my relationship with dgs but the relationship between the two of us.

baby1 of course their priorities are each other, but it would be unhealthy if they had no interests outside of that. I’m not quite sure what you mean? I do not know a single woman who prevents her husband from seeing his friends while spending all her time with her own mother.
My ds does shifts, and frequently works evenings, so dil used to have dinner with her mum that night. This is something they still do, only at dils house instead, so dgs routine isn’t affected. Dil also used to spend one evening a week visiting her very elderly grandmother, her mum went the same night, a tradition they had kept up since dil was a child (not something she can do now with the baby) My ds used to sometimes make plans that night if he wasn’t working, sometimes he enjoyed staying home and playing on his computer games. He also regularly attends a pub quiz, leaving dil and dgs at home. Neither of them have ever begrudged these things. They’re grown adults in a very healthy marriage, not posseive teenagers.

The point I was making is that the bond between my dil and her mum didn’t change just because she had a baby. Not every visit is a ‘grandmother’ visit, sometimes it’s just a mum and daughter catching up. My ds had free evenings when he & I could have arranged to get together, but we never did. So our relationship when dgs was born was completely different to dils and her mums. Once I was able to understand that I became much happier.