How often should you see Grandparents

diktat I acknowledged that the MIL is being unreasonable! However I don't agree that one has to be as unpleasant as you describe in order tone assertive about ones needs. Assertive is very far from "being the bigger bitch!"

diktat I acknowledged that the MIL is being unreasonable! However I don't agree that one has to be as unpleasant as you describe in order tone assertive about ones needs. Assertive is very far from "being the bigger bitch!"

Madgran. This mil is harassing the op and causing strife within op’s life and op’s husbands employment. She is becoming a nuisance, a hinderance to their happiness.

Op has been quite welcoming with the once a week visits; and despite her letting mil come over, she is being exposed to hurtful words about her weight.

The op has tried diplomacy. But there comes a point when diplomacy fails and thus point for the Op has arrived.

It is time to stop playing nice and time to start building a spine and standing up for yourself, your time and your family. If it means being blunt and hurting her feelings, so be it. They tried a peaceful approach and it has not worked at all.

Cutting back on visits and contact may be the wake up call that this mil needs.

Once a week is reasonable and some will feel really jealous as distance prevents regular visiting.
I do see all my DGC at least twice a week as I do some childcare for my DDs. If I was not doing this it would be once a week or maybe less as DDs are working f/t & kids are in school. Don't feel bad..but also do not make it too much of a routine. You could have a grandparent free week one week & see them twice the next. To much routine can become an expectation

PS the first part of the above message is a quote from Diktat not me, but for some reason has not come out in bold!

*Diktat Your dh needs to have a stern conversation with her about her antics and he needs to tell her it stops today.

If she won’t listen, it is time to be the bigger bitch.*

Much as I agree that this MIL is out of order in her behaviour I really can't agree that "being the bigger bitch" is helpful advice for the OP! Being "a bitch" never solves problems , just causes heartache for all concerned including the person trying to be the "bigger bitch!" None of this is conducive to finding a sensible solution because such behaviour just escalates the problems in the relationships!

Febmummaofaboy I do think there has been some good advice on this thread...only you can decide the way forward though. Your desire for family time and seeing others is entirely reasonable. Your MIls behaviour that you describe is unreasonable. I would say that you and your husband need to stand together on this, talk to her about what arrangements will be and when she takes no notice keep reminding her. Also, try to stop giving her unpleasantness so much attention! Comments on weight ..my MIL did the same - I just said "Oh, yes I have put on weight! Your point is?" ...listened to whatever came next and said "Right I have heard you" and changed the subject! I did the same with other comments like "I don't like this lasagne you have made " Me:" Oh well don't eat it then!" Comments on my bringing up of the children I said things like "Oh well, don't stay and watch if you find it diffcult !" or I listened and then said "I have heard you and I will think about it" and changed the subject. None of this was easy but my overall point is that I showed little interest in the nasty comments (not feeding whatever need in my MIL was making her say them!) . acknowledged whatever "advice" (criticism sometimes ) about my child rearing but made clear that in the end it was me/OH making the decisions. If your MIL is complaining about the number of visits I suggest saying "That is nice for your friend that her DIL has her round more but presumably their circumstances must be different to ours so their experiences are not relevant to us are they. Lets work out what we can manage and enjoy!!"
After considerable struggles I managed to develop a fairly reasonable relationship with my MIL but it took a long time and was far from easy., But she had a nice relationship with our kids in the end who were both quite fond of her and tolerated her foibles ...probably because as they grew we were very honest with them about building a relationship with their Nanny that was based on a mutual fondness and respect and not on her needs to manipulate people around her, given half a chance.

Do let us know how things are going

I see mine twice a week. One of the visits is usually very fleeting - cup of tea, catch up, cuddles then gone. We all work and are super busy. However one of mine gets a bit extra time as I childmind one day a week. The second visits over the weekend are a bit longer, and approx once a month we all meet up at my house for Sunday lunch and make a day of it. I think you have a good balance. It is seems fair to me.

You really need to put your foot down with her. Bear in mind it is HER that is being rude, not you.

Want baby back? Step in and take her. Mil says no? You’re mean? Tell her you will only ask one more time and if she refused she will NOT hold baby. In fact the next time you see her, wear baby in a carrier and do not take her out if her bad manners persist.

She shows up unannounced? Do not open the door and let her in. If you must go out to the porch and tell her now is not a good time; we will see you on x date.

Put her on do not disturb on your phone so her messages don’t ring

Your dh needs to have a stern conversation with her about her antics and he needs to tell her it stops today.

If she won’t listen, it is time to be the bigger b!tch.

She does sound a very difficult woman!

Always once a week otherwise she does show up on the doorstep, we found giving her a specific day means she is less likely to show up in the week, texting and calls are hard but easier than when she shows up at the door while my husband is out and takes the baby. This week was two visits, just not at our house, when she started being funny husband agreed would meet outside home so we can leave when she gets too much. It is still hard to leave as she doesn't give baby back or walks off with him and says we are being mean taking him!

Also, if I saw anyone once a week and they still constantly texted after being asked not to, and then checked up on me with my spouse, I would block their number.

Even if it was a mother or a mother in law. I’ve been constantly harrassed by phone before and it’s incredibly draining. It seems such a minor thing but you start being constantly on edge waiting for it to go off with an avalanche of texts.

Can you just put your phone off during the day or does DH insist you have it on? Because you need a rest from this. No one’s mum or MIL needs to be texting them multiple times a day in this situation, especially since she actually sees the baby in person once a week.

Ok that makes sense!

If I understand the update right, OP is still seeing the granny once a week, but not at OP’s house?

Is that right?

Well just ignoring the messages isn't going to work if she knows she can pester you and your husband into responding. You need to explain first that you will not be replying straight away as you have a baby to look after. And you need to tell her not call your husband as it's jeopardising his job.

Have you seen her at all in the last few months?

Um ... I thought you said you saw her once a week on the OP, Feb? If shes not been invited for moths perhaps thats part of the problem? She may be pestering you as she'd like to see the GC. I sometimes ask if I can visit when I've not seen them for ages (but I dont pester with multiple texts /phone calls, or criticise when I come!)

I see my 3 GKs 2 or 3 times a year. Like Kim19, I would love it to be more often, but have to accept that's the way it is nowadays. Mine live 100 miles away and the parents have busy lives.

Haven't had her over on an invite in months... Just mentioned as in past everyone I ask advice to says that if I ask her to help will be a good thing, so explained why that's not an option. Unfortunately if I ignore messages she calls and texts and then comes around or starts calling husband so it's not an option to ignore them!

This has gone on rather a long time now, re your last post why are you asking her over to help when she doesn't, this is encouragement, you must stick to the once a week visit which I think is with your husband, texts are great don't answer immediately and not everyone if they are repetitive. Make your weekly arrangements to see other family and friends and stick to them. I know it is very difficult but you must challenge her over the weight thing, its just plain rude she probably wouldn't feel free to say this to anyone else, you have a small baby and are a size 10! As for the calls at work to your husband, if he has spoken to her say first thing surely he could ignore all other calls until work is finished, or he could just tell her not to phone him at work or he will lose his job!

Diktat
good name

Diktat If you read my first post you would see that I did not suggest she should sit and take it. I said she should tell her MIL it's unacceptable and leave her house when she does it or tell her MIL to leave when she makes comments about her weight.

I am recommending the same as my first, that the OP talks to her MIL, explaining that comments about her weight are not acceptable and dealing with her behaviour when she does.

I can't see where Newmom has suggested that the OP should 'just sit and take' anything, She is wisely pointing out that extreme reactions are not the answer. Has the word diplomacy disappeared from our vocabulary? I hope not!

OP, it is entirely up to you and your DH how often you see anyone. It sounds like you are already very generous with your time, so I hope you can find a way of solving this without having to resort any of the extreme measures that some have suggested.

Newmom. The mil is body shaming the OP and you are of the mind she should sit and take it? Would you want your child to be body shamed?

She shouldn't have to clamour for their approval, but no one is suggesting that. But it is possible in many situations to resolve issues by having a conversation with people, without causing conflict. The OP may indeed need the support of family in the future, causing issues by refusing to see them for a month if they don't bend to her will is just going to cause more trouble.

The OP deserves respect from her MIL, she needs to demonstrate the way she wants to be treated. Simply throwing a temper tantrum with a list of rules and boundaries for her MIL is likely to make the MIL respond in a similar manner and cause further problems.

Honestly SJ, your posts offering advice of how posters should behave in the same dictatorial ways as you arent helpful for people who want to build respectful relationships with others.

Polly. OP should do what works best for her family. Having someone in your home who nags and criticizes is not a pleasant experience. If OP wanted to entertain her mil alone, she would have done so already. She clearly is fine with once a week visits; but her mil is aggravating the relationship by texting constantly and wanting more than what OP is comfortable with. With the added stressor of being criticized for her weight, it is no wonder the OP isn’t clamouring for her mils approval. Nor should she.

It does sound as if your MiL is being unreasonable and I do think you (or probably your DH) need to say something to her quite strongly. Agree with Newmom101.
However sj0102 as usual your approach is too cruel and controlling. I am.so glad my DiL does not have that approach. And I am amazed you never see MiL without your DH (for protection?) My DiL often comes to visit with GC on her own or invites us (or just me) to visit when our DS is not there. In fact we've gone for weekends to help with GC when he's away on business. We see our SiL on his own less often but it has happened. And our DD entertains her MiL on her own quite often too.