How often do you see local gc

First, to answer the original question. I see my dd, sil, and gc once a week plus major holidays, but as the children get older and more involved with their peers, etc., I expect it will be less than that. If dd and sil wanted to cut back visits due to other activities, etc., I would adjust, surely. If I thought it were because of something in my behavior, I would apologize, if I felt able to, and try not to repeat what they found offensive.

As for teaching tolerance, I think it depends. It's one thing to show children, we accept gm even if she talks a little too much or we make sure there are some dishes at the table that vegetarian gf can eat. It's quite another to show them that we accept rude or bossy behavior or that it's ok for gm or gf to constantly criticize and belittle mom or dad. Sometimes, imo, we need to show children that we cut negative energy out of our lives or, at least, lessen it. And sometimes, unfortunately, that might mean going vlc or - only in the worst case scenario, I hope - nc.

I agree Starlady!

Diktat, if mil is a guilt-tripper and as manipulative as you say, then I don't blame you for seeing her less than you see your own parents. And I get your needing dh to be present. I also understand your not wanting mil to get the chance to start her toxic behavior with your children. Besides, seeing gc twice a month plus holidays is lovely. Some gps get much less even if they live close by.

You surely don't have to give mil more time just because she asks for it. You've set a boundary and you have every right to keep it. In fact, you probably should because if you give in to one of mil's requests, there will probably be more.

Idk how old your kids are, but as they get older, they may see less of all their gps, anyhow, due to activities and plans with friends, etc. This will especially be true when they're teenagers.

But please don't be too certain that mil can't start her manipulations with them just because you "only" see her twice a month. Imo, you and dh still will need to be on the alert for that as the kids get older. If she starts any of her nonsense with them, dh will have to call her on it. And, sad to say, if that doesn't work, you may have to cut back on visits further. I hope not, but it could happen.

Your comments appear to never be considering those but just the extremes. I'm not sure why?
Because I joined the conversation when "toxic" relationships were being discussed.

So normal "quirks" weren't really relevant.

We were talking about relationships that wear people down & affect their life!

That's what people mean by Toxic. They mean its physically wearing to be around that person. Death by 1000 paper cuts, etc.

And as I said up thread, its not necessarily that anyone involved is a "bad person", sometimes its just a class of personalities that does not work and makes everyone involved unhappy

"clash" of personalities.

Some people bring out the worst in each other and are better without each other

*Because I joined the conversation when toxic relationships were being discussed"

Ok. It seemed to continue even when others referred to other types of relationship. Anyway, thanks for responding

Thanks Starlady. You are right - we will need to be vigilant about guilt trips. My husband doesn’t see the guilt until I point it out so that’s why I prefer to be present to keep an eye on things.

The guilt has really messed up my husband. He feels obligated to do as mommy says, will lie about our plans to avoid having to tell her no to something, is made to feel bad about his grandma. And to top it off he lets his entitled sister $hit all over him with her tantrums.

I didn’t marry them so I choose to keep my distance. Husband over time has come to see that their behaviour is inappropriate and has let us cut back to 1 or 2 visits a month because he too enjoys spending time as a family of 3.

Perhaps she just doesn’t want to be around her in laws that often, is busy with her own life and her own husband and kids. Once a week is excessive...once a month is more reasonable in my book! In laws are so entitled when it comes to time with “their grandkids” news flash they have no right to any amount of time with them!