Grandson confusion

If it was me I would say "to be honest DGS I havent seen your dad in years so I cant tell you how he will be when you meet him now. I hope he is well and it would be really interesting to find out more about his life. How about we all invite him to the local Christmas market, that way it will be a relaxed way for you to meet and you wont be alone so you wont have to worry too much about what to say etc that first time?"

If he no-shows you will be there and THEN you can tell DGS its not his fault just biodad following form

But

If he DOES show up and is charming (as manipulating people can be) you won't come out of it looking like the nasty bitter obstructive ones.

And your DGS wont be sneaking off alone on a train somewhere which is the most important part.

He might not want you involved if he wants to make his mind up for himself but you keep "warning" him about his dad.

Yes I take on board what you are saying about 'warning' DGS about his bio father, but the man is a gaslighter. Part of his strategy of abuse. I don't want DGS to think things going wrong are his fault. He is still a child. I worry so much about his mind being messed with.

Re: he might have changed. Here is another piece of info about him. After DD, he had another relationship and a son. That ended with her escaping to England with the child and taking out a restraining order against him!

Re: he might have changed
I'M not saying to you that he might have changed.

I'm saying that by you saying that you make yourself more approachable to your DGS on this issue.

You cannot be there for him if he stops telling you about his search for his dad.

If he is a gasslighter you are playing RIGHT into the palm of his hand right now.

Please please play this a bit smarter.

If he is a gasslighter, he will assume that you will tell DGS the truth.
So will behave the opposite way (at least initially) to make you look like a nasty liar.

THAT is how he will turn DGS against you. He won't have to do or say anything else. You are making it easy for him.

Very difficult situation. The little boy want to see his father for himself. Assist him to do this. He will find out for himself the truth. Try not to bad mouth his father, it will come back and bite you. Trust that you have brought him up in a loving and safe home. He is young, but what he is trying to do is only natural. It would have happened down the track if not now. Make some enquiries about getting some professional help for yourself on how best to handle the situation and how to assist him with the possible fallout. Good luck.

I agree with notanan2 at least you can keep an eye on what is happening

Its not in your place to insert yourself into any of this. This is not your decision to control or have an opinion over for you are NOT his parent - and he will eventually hear the other side of the story whether or not you like it. It's inevitable as long as they are both alive. And if you or your daughter try to interfere, control, deceive or manipulate him from seeing/contacting his father in any way he will eventually turn this anger onto the both of you and probably cut you both off as soon as he turns 18. He has very right to want to reach out to his dad, and get answers to the questions that he knows ONLY his father can answer. But if you shield him from this quest, you'd better hope and pray that nothing happens to father before he gets to hear the other side of the story, gets his questions answered or finds some form of resolution to the anger that you say he has. And from your responses alone you seem to KNOW how and where to find his father online - but choose to withhold this information from him, meaning you ARE blocking his access to his dad, whilst "preparing him for what will be said." Sounds so controlling and almost brainwashing to me. Let that boy talk to his father and decide for himself - without any outside influences - what kind of a man his father is. You are all playing mind games with this boy due to fear of what will be said and you know it. Eventually he will just sneak out and see his own father, and build a relationship with him and if he wants to even leave your home and move in with him for that's his right to do so and you can't take it away.

Bitter, unpleasant, unhelpful and probably based
On a distorted view of personal
Ecperience

Case of a pot calling the kettle black!

Why is it bitter and unpleasant, regardless of how much caring the grandparent’s have done over the years they are not the biological parents. If LiveLaughLaove has personal experience of this she is a good person to give good blunt advice.

All LiveLaughLaove has done is word her advice in a blunter way

Its not in your place to insert yourself into any of this.

I didn't insert myself anywhere LLL DGS came to me to talk about this. His mum (biological parent) suggested that she was a bit biased and he might like to talk to me as trusted Gran who is on his side. He had questions he needed answered as to why is father is not in his life.

And I have no intention of arranging any meeting with the father. This is not my responsibility. It is up to him and his mum to sort this out. My request to GNers was ideas to support my GS with his anger and distress. I have received some excellent ideas. Thank you for those.

However, I have been somewhat taken aback by accusations of being controlling, manipulating and brainwashing. I do not know where the father is, nor do I have access to his social media. And never once have I suggested GS be 'blocked' from seeing his biological father. We know that a meeting is inevitable.

By the way, it might be worth mentioning, when people post on here with problems, they are often worried or distressed and looking for help with solutions. 'Blunt' and negative criticism is not helpful at all.
?

That is why it would be wise for someone who has a professional skill at managing situations of this kind to support the boy. Dad may reject him, may respond positively initially then pull out, be inconsistent & confusing or may be pleased to be good & caring father to him. Whatever the outcome the boy will need someone neutral to steer him through the process.

Are you speaking from experience LiveLaughLove ?

It seems to me that judthepud was simply asking for advice ( as I have done many times) and was not trying to “insert herself” at all ( what a nasty thing to say to a loving caring grandparent) .

Better that you help DGS find him than he searches himself and gets into a sticky situation on his own. Arrange to meet the father but you go with him and make sure the meeting is in a neutral place, cafe, etc. Don't give the father your address if he doesn't have it already.

I seem to recollect that LLL posted, some time ago, in a similarly blunt and abrasive manner jud, so it seems to be just their way of expressing themselves unfortunately. Only you can be the judge of your current situation, so try not to be deflated by our harsher posters.