Dil won’t let me be grandma

I agree with most of the pp's. I understand that you are excited with having a grandchild but you need to back off, you come across as very overbearing.

I have a 1 year old. I get on well with my MIL (better than I do my own mom) because she doesn't offer advice assuming she knows what is best for my child, doesn't constantly refer to my DD as 'her grandchild', understands that I want Christmas with my DD in my home, not having her dragged around to other people's and is just generally chilled out and doesn't try to push herself on me or expect to babysit. I don't get on as well with my mom because she does all of the above.

That being said, I still don't see her without DP there, even on my mat leave, she's his mom he arranges the visits. And why would you need to take the baby to their classes. They are classes for MOMs and babies, the only time I see grans there are if the mom has gone back to work.

Me and DP rarely (like a handful of times since her birth) post on social media and have asked family and friends not to, because we don't want all of her childhood splashed over the internet. She might grow up and hate that!

Daycare is the best option here as well, sounds like you and your DIL would end up killing each other if you were taking care of the child as you're clearly both expecting different things. Be grateful of the time you get with your grandson.

Did you suddenly become all focussed on 'the grandchild' when she told you she was pregnant? My mom did and I really resent how she suddenly seemed to see me as some sort of incubator, ready to pop out 'her grandchild'. You need to build a solid relationship with your DIL rather than just seeing her as a way to get to your grandchild.

The title of your post Dil won’t let me be grandma is, I'm sorry to say, ridiculous.

Of course you are "grandma", you are the mother of the baby's father!

However, that does not entitle you anything! Not time alone with the child, or to be involved with his day care, or to expect that Christmas routines will be as they were in the past.

This is a now a new family, they will set their own ways of doing things, create their own Christmas traditions (it's only one day of the year, for heavens sake) and you must accept and understand that.

For what's it worth, I agree with others that your reference to MY grandchild is somewhat out of line.

You need to back off. You sound really demanding and needy - and this habit of calling the baby my grandchild would set my teeth on edge if I were your daughter in law.

Sorry but you need to understand something - YOU are not the main person in that family. Mothers in law / grandmothers are way down on the pecking order, especially when you are the paternal grandmother. Just be grateful that you see them as often as you do ( which seems to be a lot !).

Is it school holidays somewhere?

I understand that I’m not the primary person in their family. But to be cast aside? To be watched as I hold my grandchild? To not be allowed to feed him? Bathe him? Take him out for a day? He is on lock down with his mother. She is always with him and hovers about hardly letting me or my family get a look in. It’s so upsetting to be treated this way as a grandmother.

Sadgranma you say you are on your knees hoping for a miracle. I am reminded of the story of a man whose house was inundated by a terrible flood and he had to climb onto the roof surrounded by raging flood waters. Briefly the story says that the man believed God and a miracle would save him and he refused three opportunities for rescue from the roof. Eventually he was swept away by the flood waters desperately asking why God had forsaken him. God replied "I sent a boat, a helicopter and a dinghy and you refused them all." Miracles take many forms.

Sadgranma you are in grave danger of losing everything you claim you most value - your family and in particular access to your grandchild and future grandchildren. Do not assume they will always live two minutes away. Your son and dil may be very tempted to move further away if you continue to behave the way you are behaving. Your posts do not suggest that you have really thought about or taken on board any of the very sound advice that you asked for and has been provided by other Grans.

I am not sure that I believe this thread is genuine but, if it is, I bet the DIL is posting on Mumsnet about her MIL's behaviour and being advised to move away and cut her out of their lives.

OP, I am not being facetious here, but have you thought of getting a puppy as you clearly have a lot of love and care to give, but I feel that it is misdirected here.

I m guessing here that this is yet another American mother in law problem we have had a lot of them lately itsounds very familiar there must be a mother in law movement

You don’t say if this is your daughter in laws first child but if it is no wonder she hovers and doesn’t want you feeding her baby and of course she wants Christmas morning at home with her own family and NEVER never post pictures without consultation
Nothing she is doing sounds unnatural or unexpected
You are pushing her away by your constant demands No wonder your offer to have the baby instead of day care was turned down you would smother the baby with your neediness
Lead your own life love the grandchild as a grandmother not a mother and everything else will fit into place

1. You are not entitled to alone time or providing care to your GS.

2. The time they spend with the other GPs is none of your business.

3. Don't offer advice unless she asks. Things change. Yes, you brought up your son and he survived, but not every child was so fortunate. As we learn better we do better. You also have to consider that you are not an expert on your GS. His mother is.

You see them twice a month. We saw my GPs a couple of times a YEAR (Dad's parents) and once every 1 to 2 months (Mum's parents). Remember, they need family time too.

As for Christmas, frankly, I think you're being ridiculous. This is THEIR first Christmas as a family. That trumps your first Christmas as a grandma.

You are clearly seeing him, you aren't being cast aside. You just aren't getting your own way!

I didn't let anyone feed or bathe my DD, because I am her mom, I wanted to do it. I'm happy for people to hold her and play with her, but I am there to take care of her.

It sounds like this child is still quite young, I'm guessing around the age of 1. If so that's the same age as DD, she's never been left with anyone or taken out by anyone (other than her dad, obviously) because she's still tiny. She doesn't need to be away from us. That may change as she gets older.

He's not 'on lockdown' with his mother. She's parenting him! She carried him for 9 months, she gave birth to him, she's his mother, not you! You sound like you thought having a grandchild would be another chance to parent, it's not.

Despite every poster here telling you that you need to back off I don't think you've taken it on board. You clearly expected everyone to say what an evil DIL you had. If you carry on down this road I wouldn't blame her if she moves hundreds of miles away.

Be grateful for the time you have with your grandson. Attempt to build a relationship with your DIL by treating her as a friend, not just a way to get to your grandchild. If she sees you as someone she can trust then she may ease off.

Also, you say they went to you every Christmas before? What about her family?

Reading this has made me extremely grateful for my MIL at least. And quite sorry for my brothers girlfriend!

I’ll be seeing them Christmas afternoon. And for dinner. So I won’t be able to pop by in the morning if my dil has her way.

That says it all! You are seeing them all on Christmas Day and also having dinner with them. Is that not enough|? What else is it that you want? The if my DIL has her way is truly ominous - why should she not have her way? It is not about you. She wants some time just as a family on Christmas morning? - shock horror!!!

Back off right now if you want to see this child at all. Your insistence that you should have time alone with the child and should be engaging in care activities (from changing nappies to day care) is just plain crazy. Just fit on with their needs and do the things that they feel will help them best.

Remember - you have no rights. Your task is to support them in the ways that THEY choose, not to feel hard-done-by that you are not being given the opportunity to be Mum all over again.

Overly dramatic posting I think 'cast aside' is obviously not true as you are invited to your son's home for Christmas. Many people who are estranged from their families would give their eye teeth for your privileges.
Back off now Sadgranma you do come across as overbearing and needy. Allow your family time to enjoy their baby without unnecessary interference.

I’ll be seeing them Christmas afternoon. And for dinner. So I won’t be able to pop by in the morning if my dil has her way

I hadn't even seen this part until just now. This is either a wind up or you have seriously lost the plot. You're seeing them for half of the day! That's more than enough. Seriously, get a puppy or something because you need to leave the poor family alone to have some space. They obviously want to have Christmas morning at home as a family. That's their own little family, the three of them. Let them have that and stop being so spoilt. It's not like you aren't getting to see your GS on Christmas, you're seeing them for most of the day, that's way more than a lot of grandparents get.

If you had your way I suspect your GC would be living with you and the parents would be allowed the occasional visit.

If you had your way I suspect your GC would be living with you and the parents would be allowed the occasional visit

Sounds like it to me too Newmom! .

I don’t disagree with the majority of posters on here, and do think that the OP should take several steps back.

But I’m puzzled by those who criticise her for referring to him as “my grandson”. Without naming the child, what else should she call him?

Sorry, she uses “my grandchild”, not “my grandson”. Is this what makes the difference? Still .

Maggiemaybe, I think posters were getting the impression that she sees the baby as hers rather than her son and DILs. I think from all the repetition of him being 'my grandchild' and the sense of entitilment to visiting/feeding/bathing/time alone. It's almost like the OP is jealous of his parents and wants to parent him.

I guess it's sort of the difference between my mom and MIL. They both say 'my granddaughter/child' but MIL doesn't have the tone of possessiveness or say the same entitled things that my mom does? Like my mom will say a lot of 'give me MY granddaughter', 'well she is MY granddaughter', the OP comes across like that. I don't know if I've put that across very well.

One lesson I have learned is never give advice unless asked for it.

It is a little boy Maggiemaybe. The way he is constantly described as "My grandchild" sounds very hard, as though she has claimed him as her possession. I think any other poster would have perhaps referred to him as the baby or the little one

NEVER GIVE ADVICE TO YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW.

If she asks your opinion on something always reinforce her ideas. Just be there giving support, never suggest or give opinions unless specifically asked. I can't emphasise this enough. You may want the best for him but how do you know your ways are the best!

Your whole letter smacks of possessiveness. Suggest you back off.

Sadgranma - oooh - giving advice is a minefield! New Mums are notoriously thin skinned when it comes to other people offering 'advice' however well meant it is! Becoming a MIL usually means learning to keep your advice (unless solicited) firmly to yourself! Doubly so when it comes to the DGC! My advice would be to keep your no doubt well meant guidance to yourself unless your DIL actually asks for your advice. Abide by what ever rules your DIL has for your DGC so that she doesn't feel you would undermine the way she wants her child to be brought up. I know it is tempting to think us GP's know best but things have changed since we had our own DC and we need to recognise this.

I totally feel your bad, my son’s ex partner stopped all contact in June this year and even though we have helped him by getting a solicitor on board, several letters and lots of money spent he is now having to go to court for a contact order, she hasn’t given any valid reason and is now saying that his daughter is pleading not to see him, my granddaughter is just 3, the worst part is that the ex lived with us for over 2 years, the first 6 months of my granddaughter life she lived here with us, the ex moved on very quickly to a new partner and has another baby and until June he/we saw her every weekend... it breaks my heart not seeing my granddaughter and it’s been a really difficult time for my son( he’s only 23) and we shall fit all the way.

Well I think the OP has given us all a masterclass in how to completely alienate a DIL. She just wants what's best for her grandchild? Good lord - I am sure her DIL wants what's best for her child and she has obviously decided that the OP is not it !