Dil won’t let me be grandma

I think you need to be grateful for all the visits you get and allow your DiL to find her own way. When my DiL had her first baby she was nervous, unsure and also turned to her own mum. I felt hurt at the time but backed off and was happy to see them when we were invited.

Now my DiL has her second baby she is much more confident and is happy to have us around to help out. She even invited me to stay when my DS went away for a couple of days to help out. We got on well as I took her lead. I was also asked to go down for a weekend when they were away to help her mother out with the two children.

Patience pays off in the end. But as the other posters say - never, never give advice. If she has told you you can be overbearing believe her and try to change. Things have changed since we had children and ideas on upbringing have also changed. Just try to go with the flow, only help out when asked, let them know, however, how proud you are of them for producing a wonderful grandchild for you but remember first and foremost he is theirs not yours. Grandchildren are not a right but a bonus.

Your SIL? Surely not. You can't be the grandmother of your SiL's child and can't be Son in Law as you refer to 'her' not 'him'.

I had this social, media posting of pictures explained to me . While the parents have a set number of friends who see their posts and that is tightly controlled they have no control of other people posting pictures of their children and who may be seeing them . People they don't know about but who maybe your friends but not theirs. I understand this in this day and age.

Well, as the saying goes, there are two side to a story. I have four grand children myself and fell out with my dil on a family holiday when she had the first child and was pregnant with her second. We did not speak for several years in which time she had two further children. My son kept me updated about their progress and provided pictures. I never said anything negative about her nor got involved with their personal issues. Finally, she came round and she and all my grand children spent Christmas with me last year and since then I see my grand children every weekend which is marvellous. Although they run me ragged!!! I love them. What I would advise is that you step back and let them come to you if they need you. At least you can get information from your son. I am sure there is a reason your dil is so hostile towards you.

Your grandchild is not a doll to play with, it’s his mother’s child. I bet you want him alone...to do things your way. You are so lucky that you still get to see him if after agreeing to spend a considerable time with you on Christmas Day, you still feel cast aside.
Stand back, take your cue from your DIL, compliment her on her great parenting and stop making her child all about you.

Sadgranma
You are not the mother and it is she who makes the rules, not you.
You sound very interfering to me, giving un-asked for advice, expecting her to prefer you to look after her child rather than nursery, being critical of her decisions.
They are a separate entity now. You brought up your son to be an independent adult but you still expect to have some say in their life.
That isn't always how it works. Be glad when invitations are offered but don't be bitter about them wanting some degree of separation. Your DiL will always gravitate to her own family, especially her mum.

Guessed from title of this post it would be about dil/mil problem. So sad when you both love the same person (son) but remember the old rhyme - a son is a son till he takes a wife. This will almost always apply and unfortunately still applies when grandchildren arrive.. I am so fortunate having two wonderful dils BUT I try to remember I will never take the place of their mums. I had an Neasden relationship with my mil and now at age 81 have regrets about that, I guess with lots of people that will always be the case. Sad or what.sad

Please back of before you end up being told you are not welcome .
Is your son your only child ? There is a saying that a daughter is a daughter all their life but a son is only a son until they take a wife and may be it’s time to look at your life and fill it with other things .
I am a gran and greatgran to a large family and my rules for myself are , accept that they have a life separate from us , respect their choice of partner , be available when they need you and only give advice if they ask always including the words “ but that’s only my views “

Uneasy not Neasden, should check before pressing Post!!!!

I agree with FlexibleFriend and with what most others are saying.
It didn't originally sound as if you were seeing them on Christmas Day but you are, just not on your terms.
Parents have the right to ask for their children's photos not to be put on social media. It is open to everyone and many parents are uncomfortable about that. There may also be people that they have not shown photos to yet and they want to be the ones to do that.
I try to see both sides of a situation but I can't see your point of view at all on this. No one can have everything they want. You are involved in the child's life, you are not going to be alone at Christmas. Time to count your blessings and stop complaining.

I have to agree with gmelon. I hope to see my grandchildren for Christmas afternoon and dinner, and that's enough for me. Never ever give your dil advice! Maybe you could phone her and promise to stop giving advice and explain you just want to be a loving grandma.

You must try and remind yourself that this is your grandchild and NOT your child. All of your references are of MY grandchild and it makes you come across as a very possessive person. As you only live two minutes away from them I can see that your DiL is probably worried that if you had your own way every time it would become a real problem.
As you are seeing them on Christmas day anyway I can't see why you are disappointed. You are far luckier than some grandparents who don,t see their grandchildren for long periods of time. Count your blessings and accept what you can have rather than what you cannot.
Be there for them, but don,t force things. I think the fact you live so very close to them is the real problem here, and your DiL might feel you are trying to take over her role .....people need a breathing space.....not space invaders.

It’s only natural that you son and DIL want to spend Christmas morning together in their new family unit as it is a very special time for them and I think you should respect it. If this is your first grandchild then I understand how exciting it is for you but please don’t let your enthusiasm and love for your grandson take over. Perhaps your enthusiasm results in your DIL being unable to relax when you are there.

I have two sons and have had three dil’s and have always expected to be on the edge of their lives, even more so when our older son and ex DIL divorced and none of us ever saw our eldest GDs on Christmas Day, not even their father, as their mother insisted they always spent this day with her, not really fair but we had to accept it and make do with seeing them on Boxing Day.

To be honest I think you are very fortunate to be spending part of the day with them. Your negative attitude to your DIL is very apparent in your posts so please don’t let it jeopardise your future relationship with them, it can happen so easily, believe me. I hope you will read all these responses very carefully and take them on board because there are some very wise people on here.

I'm a mother in law and keep my distance after being kept in my place early on. I'm the mither of sons forget it your a second class citizen always will be! I actually get on with bith daughter in laws but do keep a distance. Love the grandchildren and make the most if our time together but know my place!

Some very harsh comments but maybe we all need some straight talking sometimes. It’s not easy to take but we do have to listen to impartial advice when it’s well meant. Good luck!

There are some very nasty comments on this topic, and I really feel for this poor Grandma. Give her a break please! She has asked for help, not additional punishment.

OP, I wonder how much you let your own MiL take over the tasks of bathing, taking to classes etc. when your own son was small or whether you wanted to make all the decisions about his care!. Think back. Do you only have one child yourself so you are putting 'all your eggs in one basket'? If your DiL describes you as overbearing then it's because you are so you need to change so that you can have a good relationship with her.

I agree MysticalUnicorn, some comments were very judgemental and none of us knows this unhappy grandma who’s poured her heart out to us. Maybe she hasn’t got anybody close she can confide in. I had a very different experience when I posted a while ago and was very heartened by the wise words of comfort I received.

The OP asked for our opinion and the majority seem to think that the problem lies with her, not the daughter-in-law. The way that she refers to daughter-in-law as HER speaks volumes. I would tread very carefully in their home over Christmas lunch and afternoon ( which I think is very generous of them in the circumstances) otherwise it could be the last Christmas - or any other time - that you are invited. Please take on board what people are saying, take a step back and be the kind of mother- in- law you would want for yourself. Best wishes.

Only just read this very sad story and I must say that this sort of thing is so alien to me that I'd find it difficult to come up with any answers.
When I've read threads about families I can only thank God that I've never been " shut out " or rejected in any way concerning my GC and presently my GGC. Nobody in the family would have ever done that nor thought about being so spiteful. This is why I can't come up with either an answer nor a suggestion/solution.
That's not to say that I don't sympathise with those GP's who suffer this sort of behaviour,I do,very much so and there's just no understanding why it happens.

I used be ok got on fine with DIL,treat her like my own daughters- now it seems shes diagnosed with something-not sure what- it gives her 'issues'- shes encouraged my son to fall out with his sister and me too since i was clearly still friends with my daughter&not taking 'their' side.now ive not seen them or their 3 children since summer and we were very close before- its breaking my heart and their only girls birthday is coming up- she'l think ive forgotten about her- yet her brothers got their gifts,birthdays in summer before the 'fall out'! Its not like shes close to her parents either as she doesnt get on with her own mum!

I meant my DIL doesnt get on with her own mum

I am 68 years old and reading your message takes me back to when I was a young mum. I am sorry but you sound like my horrific mother in law. She made me feel like a surrogate mum, she even used to say when I had Paul who was my son not hers. I grew to hate her and I am a very peaceful person. You are only the grandma and importantly not the only grandma. You are not the mum. You sound overbearing and interfering. I was here as a young mum and your daughter in law must be really struggling. She won't want to tell you to get out of her life because of her husband your son. Her husband his your son not your grandson. Back off you are seeing them Christmas Day , I think you will never feel you are getting enough. I hope your daughter in law can hang loose and not tell you were to go. Sorry this is not what you want to hear

Nannan2, that is very sad and is particularly awful when your children have fallen out. When I fell out with my sister, I kept saying to my Mum and children, it is not your argument, it is mine and it mustn't affect your relationships. After all, she is still their daughter, aunt and sister.
Have you actually tried to contact your son and DIL or are you just assuming they won't want you to contact them?Sometimes, it just needs one of the parties to keep trying. Try to say to yourself that you haven't fallen out with your son, DIL and Grandchildren so it won't be wrong to keep extending the hand of friendship. Every so often, a little hand written card saying something like, I saw this today and thought of you. Lots of love always kind of thing. You never know, one day they might thaw. Meanwhile, send a present and ring on her Birthday.

Sadgranma
If you had been my MIL I would be looking to move as far away as possible.