My SiL wants to tell me I'm a bad GP

I have only one thing to add to all the very good advice already given, and that is perhaps you can ask your daughter how she would prefer you to tackle this situation?

You apologised for offending him and now the matter should be left like that, unless your daughter begs you to do something or other more. To me it sounds as if she too feels the matter is best left now.

I think grandtanteJE65's suggestion is excellent. Have a chat with your daughter. Let's hope it all blows over.

I would not listen to any criticism of my past actions. For goodness sake we all make mistakes. You've apologised. I wouldn't grovel to him - or anyone! I think I would leave now if possible. He sounds pompous and unpleasant. I don't know how your daughter puts up with it. Maybe she won't - forever. Hopefully she will either assert herself or leave him to it. Doesn't do bedtime indeed..?.

I've obviously come to this thread rather late but I do want to say, Ginny42, that I know exactly how you feel. A similar thing happened to me with my niece, who took offence at something I said when we were out. It really was nothing and referred to her being a stroppy teenager (she was in her late 20's at the time). Sadly she didn't seem to have matured and instead stormed off to the loos, where I found her locked into a stall and refusing to acknowledge me. I apologised profusely for upsetting her but was ignored, since when she has created bad feelings with the family and driven a wedge between me and my brother and sister-in-law. It made me feel physically sick for ages, despite telling myself that she was being immature and displaying pure playground behaviour. Some time later, when she wanted to pass on a particularly nasty message, she didn't even have the gumption to tell me herself but got her dad, my brother, to do it for her. I have to say I feel very sorry about the whole thing as I was so fond of her before this, but I have now lost all respect for her and try to avoid family gatherings whenever possible. It's horrible, but this all happened a couple of years ago now so I just don't think about her ever. Still, it is a shame that I don't see the rest of the family as often as I used to.

Ignore him, as others have said what a childish excuse for a man. I’d just chat to your daughter to ensure she is able to deal with him and not being “ controlled”. It takes a certain type of man to behave like this, and to then want to escalate the matter instead of accepting your apology speaks volumes. When you apologised his reaction should’ve been, sorry if I embarrassed you too, and draw a line in the sand, it’s what grown ups do !

jaineainsworth

Correct, as far as issues go. (Now, if it's something totally innocuous, such as what they might suggest as a Christmas or birthday gift for the "person who has everything", that's different.) The reason is that a parent, by definition, is going to protect a child. Nothing wrong with that. That's what parents do. But it also means that a parent is not going to be an objective arbiter of the situation. If there are major marital issues, the best advice a parent can give is to seek out a licensed marriage and family therapist.

I agree with those who suggest you ask your daughter what, if anything at all now, you would like her to do. Or not do. Their marriage is their business. Just as long as your daughter knows she can always let you know if she is unhappy and needs your help in the future. That’s all we can do with adult children. We are a safety net. They will drop into it if they need.

Oops! I meant to say ‘ask your daughter if there is anything SHE would like YOU to do’. ❗️

It sounds like he knows what an absolute idiot he made of himself and is now trying to cover his embarrassment by turning the tables in you rise above it you have every right to express your feelings by pulling a face I would have done the same

If my son in law said he had a list of issues to speak to me about, I'd say, "Likewise, I'll bring my list too and we can swap them!' We are both quite fiery characters but, in general, we rub along okay with the premise of only seeing each other in small doses.

This man is pompous and rude to think he can criticise you but you can't say anything about his behaviour so he is best avoided as much as possible. He sounds the type who doesn't like people to stand up to him but could be intimated if they did so he likes to get in first in the hope that he will upset you enough that you won't fight back!. Don't let him.

It sounds like he knows what an absolute idiot he made of himself and is now trying to cover his embarrassment by turning the tables

I agree. I'd be pleasant to him and your daughter. If he wants to continue to be a prat, let him. I suspect if you give him enough rope, he will hang himself whilst you can look like an angel. He sounds like a complete w****r!

Yes your daughter has allowed, encouraged as well as supported his bad behaviour
If our children sell us short this is what happens ..you do not grovel to him, who is he, what is he..disrespectful ill mannered yob.

I agree with madgran - he must need to get things off his chest. Maybe it was it a last straw scenario? Only one way to find out.

If I'd been in the restaurant with him I would have thought he was embarrassing himself, not me (though I might have pretended he wasn't with me!)

What a petulant, arrogant twatt...time he grew up. Doesn't do bedtime any more? What a load of fun he's missing out on.

I'm immensely grateful for all the good advice and I would like to share with you, as far as I can on a public forum, the situation now, a week after the incident. We're not talking! However, my DD and I went to speak with a counsellor today and he was very reassuring and you won't be surprised to hear that he reiterated much of the advice here. I must not allow him to put me down, must not listen to his list of my faults that it's him not me. There were a lot of tears but we left feeling calm and strong.

Many of you have referred to their marriage. She is very unhappy about this turn of events but she's staying for now. He's being very civil with her, but for example when she had to go out with the children, he stayed in his office, he ate dinner in his office whilst we were the only two at home.

I cannot leave until next Thursday - flight has been booked a long time. My DD and I are planning meet ups away from here. Not ideal but we want to make a point that she's not going to not see me and he has to understand that.

She earns a lot more than him, so no, she's not financially dependent on him.

The counsellor asked how I feel about her role in all this. She was tearful and said, 'I'm not sure I want to hear this.' I got up and held her and spoke gently to her reassuring her that I will always love her whatever, and he said, 'I have my answer.'

The problem here is that if you leave under current circumstances, there is the likelihood that you will see your D and GC less often if not seldom.

I had a similar 'falling out' with my own SIL early on in my Ds marriage. He was upset over some non issue that was deliberately inflated to create division in the family. Like you, I apologized ONCE. He didn't respond and continued giving me the silent treatment and with a 'pulled' face as you so aptly describe.

After awhile, I had enough and confronted him. I told him (without showing any anger) to grow up and get over it. Whether he liked it or not, we were all family now and I wasn't going to 'go away' just because. He didn't say anything then either, but the next morning when I came down, he asked me if I wanted coffee and acted like if nothing had happened. No more said, no hard feelings. We've had a great relationship since.

Sorry, I would have responded differently if I had seen the last post before hitting 'enter'. My own SIL and D's marriage was good at the time (and still is again...they hit some bumps recently). It sounds like your SIL is a prize winning jerk in more ways than one.

Sorry for my simplistic approach. I don't think it would work with someone who clearly has other more serious issues and zero sense of humor. No need to apologize to him again. Ignore him and don't let him get to you. It also sounds like your daughter has had enough of him as well. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I do hope things work out for the best.

Ah Ginny, I am sorry to hear how your sil is behaving towards you, I would say best not to engage with him, it sounds like he wants to cause trouble. Be strong and I wish you all the best.

It's called intimidation completely ignore him if he has Narcissistic tendencies the way to hurt him is no contact

So sorry you have had this big upset on your holiday and I do not think you are a bad person at all Ginny and I doubt if your son in law really thinks that unless there’s lots gone on previously but surely this has got TOTALLY out of control
Your son in law acts sillily at a family restaurant meal You pull a face and you are now seeing a counsellor ??? It all sounds totally over the top and I can’t understand how such a simple thing has grown such legs and is now runnng a marathon
You should have apologised if you really felt you committed an offence (can’t see it myself) and completely left it alone
If you’re daughters marriage is in trouble she needs to deal with that herself
I think this has become huge when it’s had no need to a big over reaction all round unless there has been a lot more gone on in the background
I d be as pleasant as possible to everyone in the house until you leave

I disagree agnurse, you need to get involved by being a bullion china shop, more have a chat with your daughter on her own away from her husband and gently ask a some questions. You might be supposed that she is pleased to be able to confide in her mother. It could be that he is just a strutting prat or it cold be something more.

Just read through this thread and my heart goes out to you ginny. You’ve remained calm and dignified, your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren is intact. It was brave to seek counselling support which seems to have helped. You’ve done all you can, time may be a healer if not as you say there’s a ‘plan B’ for the future which if not ideal will work. . I hope the rest of your planned stay is without incident and you leave with less concern than you have now.

He is a lawyer and he is encouraging his children to chant loudly in a restaurant. Says it all.

Don't allow him to lecture you, and evade any attempt with polite amusement; he has problems which are at present manifesting themselves in his hostility to you.

Concentrate on preserving your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren, and be as civil to him as you can manage; don't give him any opportunity to target you.

I just hope you were not pressured into seeing a counsellor Ginny as you have in no way been at fault here.
It sounds as if he himself “has issues” and while that is sad because it impacts the relationship with the family as a whole, who knows what was going on in his mind.
Pressure at work? Outstayed your welcome? Curmudgeonly git? I feel sorry for your DGCs, your DD and you, but if you can put it behind you and even perhaps laugh it off that would be much more helpful.

No pressure to see the counsellor. I have had counselling in the UK and am very comfortable with it. You are right Maw, he does have other issues, but as a friend who had far worse issues as a child told me...'Tell him to FO and come back when he's grown up.'

Can't laugh it off as it will have a big impact on how we get to see each other and I will be sad when I leave here as I may never return to my DD's home.

He's gone away for the weekend. DD and I are already planning visits and meet ups.