Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

What's it all about anyway this Christmas thing? Wasn't it supposed to be about the birth of Jesus and the three wise men?

I don't think fretting about not having a hand written label on a present is really the point.

Good post there Lemonlegs13

I wouldn’t send anything further and see what their reaction is.

Thankyou to the supportive grannies here who understand the concept of mutual respect.
I don’t intend giving further details as I don’t think it’s necessary, but I’m glad my post has raised the profile of the thorny subject.
I will say, to quieten the acid ones here, I have never given a gift ‘in order to receive’ and to say such a thing given the circumstances I’ve described is quite vicious.
I have always maintained a close and mutually supportive relationship with my granddaughters, and my daughter and son in law, but I felt they’d fallen down on this point and it meant biting the bullet.
To those grannies who don’t see it this way I say ‘whatever’, carry on with whatever you’re happy with.
It took courage on my part to raise the subject and my conscience is clear, it is all about respect and not about giving in order to receive.
I hope this post will help other grannies who feel as I do.

Thanks for the advice about pocket money Lilylilo. I shall do that. Although it may not go down too well if I still give younger sister. DiL is easily offended..

I see my grandchildren as much as possible and we have lovely times together but I don't give them pocket money... I give them birthday presents and Christmas presents and will continue to do so but i don't expect anything from them. I don't want anything.....I'd never ask them to give me a present!!!!! Just stop the pocket money when each gets to 21 and working, they are too old for it anyway, then at least you won't feel resentful.

When I was 16 or so, my parents advised that from now on they would expect me to purchase birthday and Christmas gifts for their mothers from my own funds.

This is still their expectation, so to avoid fights with my parents, I post the grandmothers age-appropriate gifts at the appropriate dates, or send them along with my parents when my parents are visiting them.

It is not a large enough cost for me to go stirring up trouble about it. It is important to my parents.

Lily65 Or it could not be about "look what I've done for you" and about wanting to be thought of and loved as Gonegirl said. and as I said.

I agree with you Stella! Better to keep our lovely grandchildren happy & our friends!
I don’t understand some of the abbreviations like OP

Although I don't think it was in this instance.Not from what the OP said.

Maybe a bit of it in my case! little bugger

Yep Lily65, I guess it could be that too.

And why not?

Good for you Lemonlegs I wish I could do that. Oddly enough I had just been talking to my husband about this. My son had just told me my 22 year old gd starts Christmas shopping in August and earns a lot more money now. I have never ever received so much as a birthday card from her. I send her birthday and Christmas gifts and gave her (a little) money for university. Same with his son, my gs. Neither has ever done the short flight to visit. I have visited often.
My other sons children don't ever visit although the older one drives. They still get pocket money. I don't buy to get back. I buy because I want to but it would be nice to think that you mattered. Their friends get presents. Grandparents get a very raw deal sometimes.

OP, I understand your feelings and I don't believe that it's unreasonable to express them. How are people supposed to know that you're hurt if you never tell them? Your DGD's response was nice and hopefully they'd learned a lesson. Your DD on the other hand... I'd have been quite embarrassed on behalf of my kids and had a word with them myself, rather than having a go at you for "daring" to express your disappointment? I believe that being honest and open with your family is only right and a small embarrassment in the short term (on their part) is better than a long-term feeling of neglect (you). Don't feel guilty for being honest and I hope things work out for the best

Possibly, or it could be about " look at everything I've done for you"

Tartlet I think it's not anything to do with demanding a present. It's just wanting to be included. And thought of.

I think this is about expectations. If gifts/cards/thank yous are important to you as a sign of appreciation, then of course you would be disappointed not to receive one. If not, or if keeping in touch is enough, then it wouldn't have mattered to you.
However I don't really agree with Tbh i think it’s down to our children not bringing their children up to be well mannered and thoughtful. I don't have AGC only little ones, but my AC were all taught to be well-mannered and buy little gifts for family, including GPs, from an early age with a very small 'Christmas allowance', with no stipulation about what they should buy. Later they bought their own 'pocket money' gifts. They also always wrote 'thank you' cards for gifts received. But as adults they now behave differently - some send presents, some do occasionally, and some don't, some write 'thank yous' and some don't. They do send greetings cards. I refused to get involved, as they are adults, even though it annoyed DP immensely not to hear from them ... even though ironically my children never received a thank you letter from their DGP! Thinking back, I never sent my elderly GF a card or a gift for birthday or Christmas and it certainly wasn't expected of me as a child. I did know that he loved us unconditionally, and visa versa.
It seems we're all different in what is expected of us and by us. However OP, I have to agree with some responses that it is bad-mannered to ask for a gift and, unfortunately, it's likely you'll think every Christmas that the gift is given only because you asked for it. Your DGC's responses were lovely, but perhaps you and your DD should have kept your feelings to yourselves, no matter what you thought privately.

I know I am very lucky as all my children buy me thoughtful gifts from them and the DGCs. Youngest DS has a part time job now and was very proud of the gifts he shopped for this year without assistance from his older siblings.
If I am asked what I would like I try to make a list of inexpensive unusual gifts for them to choose from.

Which is what, in your opinion?

So many people here completely missing the point.

Lemonlegs13 does it really matter that much - why not just buy one gift then and do a family secret santa type thing - life is too short

Synonymous
The parents of your GC sound very wise and practical.
It's a great idea to give them an allowance to budget for gifts and it will be a good lesson for the rest of their lives.

Emilymaria You past the buck on Margaret Thatcher in what you refer to as this lady's 'idealistic way of family life' What are we sheep?
If a child is not showing respect then who is to blame ?NO we don't bring ourselves down to 'their level as you suggest as we become no better than they are
Children learn from example and it is up to ourselves as parents to show them. Manners start within the home. unfortunately there will always be those who fall by the wayside..

I just gave the DGC a lucky £2 each in a Red Envelope for Chinese New Year.
We should all feel confident to give as much / little as we want or can afford.

PS All gifts are small in our family and no pocket money from anyone other than the parents who have a system where the children can earn money they want to spend. Works well.

If you give through love and not through duty or expectation you won't be disappointed.