Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

Our DGC are given a Christmas and birthday allowance by their parents with which they buy small presents for all who are on their list. This not only teaches them to budget and spread their money round but the enjoyment they get from choosing or making each item, wrapping and then giving the gift is just lovely to be part of. The first year that he took part at 8 years old the youngest spent all of his money on one gift for a big brother and was very excited with it. In equal measure he was then devastated when he realised the implications for the presents he wanted to give to the rest of the family. Mummy had to be very inventive with helping him to make presents for everyone and he now makes lists and divides his money out to make sure he can afford to buy any particular item. Tough lesson to learn as his parents stuck to the allowance amount but a very valuable one.

The thank you letters took a nose dive one year when the parents stopped supervising the writing of them until I wrote each child a fullsome thank you letter saying how much their gift meant to me and their own thank you letters from their earliest days are kept in my special 'memory box' so that I could reread them whenever I wanted, could see their progress and just how grown up they were all getting now. I also spoke to DS and DDIL and mentioned how disappointed I was not to receive their usual lovely little letters and since then they have continued to arrive. I also make sure that I always write to each one of them too just to ensure that I set a good example and good manners are maintained.

Gosh!
Having read all the comments I'm surprised at how many grandparents variously give to GC, pocket money, £100 each at Christmas, pay for holidays abroad, treats and gifts at odd times as well as birthday gifts. Add to that, babysitting, the school run and pick up, paying the deposit on ACs house, doing their washing/ironing and cleaning kitchen and bathrooms whilst parents work.
You must all love it else why do it?
You can't be resentful when it's up to you to call the shots.
If you keep on doing what you're doing you'll keep on getting what you're getting...zilch.
I have never given pocket money to GC or house deposits to AC. No babysitting or school runs (they live too far anyway)
I certainly don't pay for their holidays unless it's the twice yearly family fest, a long weekend which my ex pays for.
Yet, despite my not giving all that other GNers seem to give, I have never fallen out with any of them and they certainly do remember their thanks and sometimes even a handwritten note posted from wherever they are.
It's not a case of affording it, it's a case if it being their lives to make of them the best they can...and they do.
My pleasure comes from knowing that they had and have happy lives and are responsible, working, caring adults who give back to society in many different ways.

I can understand your feelings. I think though that times have moved on so much that the young adults of your GDs age group and similar ages simply don't think along the same lines as a lot of us older ones when it comes to acknowledging gifts/money etc or sending a card or simple little present to a grandparent. My paternal grandparents always gave my sisters and me sweets and pocket money while we were children every week. We lived only a few houses from them and ran errands for them daily and they always came and had their Sunday dinner with us. They were financially better off than us and helped out whenever they could. We children thought the world of them and would scrimp and save to buy them a a card and make them something homemade at Christmastime. However part of the problems today are that neither Christmas or birthdays are not really special anymore when you were mainly given presents,so no longing wondering what you might be lucky enough to get on your birthday or Christmas, but can be bought at anytime of the year and by many people just now taken for granted, and this I think is why so many don't say thank you, because nothing is looked forward to with anticipation anymore, but just taken almost as routine that they will receive something as usual. Traditions and values have changed so much since many of us were young that we notice more the lack of manners than youngsters do.

lemonlegs13. Having just read your comment a saying came to mind 'better to give than to receive for that you are truly blessed'.Depending your thoughts on this I would go as far as to say you are ' blessed'' with such caring and understanding GD's unlike the reaction you received from your DD.

If someone had come to me when I was barely an adult (and that's what 18 and 21 are) and asked about not receiving a gift, I'm not sure I would ever give them any sort of gift again. It would likely come across as extremely entitled and rude. I remember being that young, they are likely barely making any money. And they technically did give you a gift. You don't know if they gave money to your DD to contribute as it is none of your business. You don't give a gift with the expectation of receiving anything in return. Otherwise it isn't a gift.

ClareAB Think I would say to GC that you won't be paying any more money into their accounts as you are sure they mustn't receive it, just as you said, that it just goes into a black hole or someone's account. A phone call, text at least from them to say thank you or to acknowledge the money. Or is it they don't need it now! Save your money.

Sorry post can be erratic. Honestly this pad changes what's written

I do understand how hurtful it must be not to be acknowledged for gifts etc from family that mean the world to you. It would be extra hard if you are on your own on a low income, just a phone call and a chat isn't much to ask, so I understand Lemonlegs reaction. I would not have done it, because you don't give to receive, but she just wanted acknowledgement, to know they cared. The daughter and sil should realise that and make allowances, things are so much easier with a partner there and company, she us on her own with little money, so no way could I judge her actions. Some youngsters just get caught up in their work and friends and family get left behind at times. Why don't you send the odd text to them , asking how they are and what they have been up to, say you miss them and look forward to seeing them soon. It might just jolt them into action, I am sure they love you very much really. Give your daughter a ring to your daughter too to smooth the water, it's not worth falling out. Perhaps drop the pocket money but send a token present or gift voucher for birthdays and Christmas and ask them to let you know they have arrived as the list can be eratic at times.

I think it is quite rude to ask for presents. It will only make your grandchildren feel uncomfortable and serves no purpose. Gifts are much more special when unsolicited. My opinion only of course. No offence intended.

I understand only too well why the lack of a small gift upset you, Lemonlegs. and I agree as your granddaughters are grown women and obviously not offended by your mentioning the lack that your DD and SIL should not have got involved.

BUT I do wonder why if their names have always been added to whatever your DD bought, why on earth you didn't suggest when the girls were about five, that they were old enough to learn to shop for small presents.

To me it seems a little late in the day to do anything about it now.

If living on a smaller income now means that you cannot any longer give your grandchildren the generous gifts you have done previously, I suggest you invite the girls one day and tell them frankly the position you are in and that you no longer can afford pocket money etc. They will probably understand this quite well and not think it is any concern of their parents. By being honest with them I hope you can retain the good relationship you have with them.

If I don't get a gift from someone I think it's because they don't want to buy me one and that's it

You will be giving them good guidance*Hameringham*. Somebody needs to these days.

When I next see my grandchildren I am thinking of discussing this issue on the basis that I will continue to give gifts (usually money) but would wish them in the future to just send a card at my birthday and at Christmas. They all have lots of demands on their monies yet just a card would keep me smiling.

It was wrong of you to write that message and I can understand your daughter's reaction. I was surprised when my eldest grandson at 20 started giving me a Christmas gift...he was an apprentice so not earning a lot...I so appreciated that he had done this on his own.

I am pretty shocked at the lack of thanks for gifts. My partner gave his daughter £60 for Xmas and her two children aged 15 and 13 and another granddaughter £40 each. He got no response from any of them. Not a text just to say thanks dad/grandad. He was really really hurt. It was his Xmas bonus. And he still hasn't had a call or a text. It makes me so angry that kids grandkids take for granted what they're gifted. I'm afraid he won't be doing it again. Who can blame him.

I do bank transfers now every birthday and Christmas for my two teenage Grandsons.
I very rarely get a reply, but this year they went to Australia for Christmas. When they got back I heard nothing from them so I texted them to ask how it went, I gave them Xmas money for the trip.
A few weeks later, still nothing, so asked Son to remind them . To be fair, they did respond. But not without a bit of a nudge.
I know they don’t mean to be thoughtless, it’s more a case of out of sight, out of mind,

From another perspective, I had a step grandmother and I always bought her presents with my own money (not a lot to spend but often managed to get gifts from fetes etc). However, I found out that gifts were passed on which hurt greatly especially when I had chosen them carefully (especially remember a beautiful owl brooch). From then on, for anything I bought, I wrote on the packaging so it could not be regifted. In later years, after grandfather died, I had difficulty in meeting up with her and often had to post items through her letter box but never had any acknowledgement. I later found out that she was a 'wicked' stepmother and treated my dad and his brother badly throughout their life, even stopping them from seeing their maternal grandparents (their mother died when they were very young). My dad never held this against her and whenever he managed to see her always gave her money which was all she was interested in.

I sympathise with you Lemonlegs 13 ,but I think I have finally accepted the situation,sadly. I did have a present,but no cards from my DD ,SIL and Grandchildren who live a 5-10,minute walk away from me. I heard nothing at all from my Granddaughters 300miles away. I sent a birthday present to the younger one(11) inNovember and Christmas presents to both of them,plus their Dad and Stepmum ,with cards .Very sadly they lost their Mum(my daughter) 9 years ago next week. Their Dad has remarried a lovely lady and has been a fantastic Dad to both girls. ,but they just don’ t send thank yous ,unfortunately. I saw them last August for the first time in 18 months ,due to work,school,distance and we had a great day together. No idea when I will get to see them again. I have been on my own since losing my DH 10 years ago,so what little family I have mean a great deal to me. ,but I won’t mention anything to them. I do know that instead of cards,in both cases,they gave donations to Mind in memory of my daughter,who I still miss all the time. It would be good to hear from them though. For some reason my (former) SIL does not like FaceTime,so I don’t even see them on there. Sign of the times I’m afraid.
,

Please don't risk falling out with your DGDs or your DD over this.
Christmas presents/money cause so may issues among families at a time when folk should be celebrating what they do have and counting their blessings. Everyone has different expectations, stresses, or financial situations. Young people (especially, but not only, those living with parents) also often don't tend to think about giving presents to family other than siblings and parents.
Your DGDs sound like really nice girls. Just keep loving and supporting them and giving presents as and when you can without expecting anything in return.
Do you have their mobile numbers? Could you send them random messages wishing them the best for their studies or jobs or just telling them you love them?
Life's too short and there are too many broken-hearted grandparents around who don't get to see their DGC to risk your relationships over something like this.

Just to add to my message, I would never say anything to them about this. Too proud.

I spend a lot on my GC at Christmas and birthdays, but have never received anything from them. The two oldest are 18 and 21 and are both working. DD proudly shows me gifts they have given her and her DH. I spent years baby sitting, having them for weekends so they could go away with friends, and collecting them from school. A little something from them would have been nice. It feels funny on Christmas Day giving presents but not receiving any from the grown up children. I feel hurt.

Always nicer to give than to receive. The younger generation are always busy, broke, a bit self absorbed, it was ever thus. Were we really any different? They'll grow to be us and will be on gransnet discussing their grandchildren. Personally I wouldn't expect presents from anyone and, like Paddyann, have everything I could possibly want or need. We tell our children and grandchildren not to spend their money on us. We are happy to be part of their world and to be loved.

Rather a nasty comment from poor old Chucky, obviously a victim of a wicked step mother in the distant past.

I bet DD said to her daughters that she was getting grandma a gift from them all as usual so the girls accepted that. No deliberate snub intended!

I think the point is being missed a little here. It's not about the actual gift, just a small gesture of love and appreciation. Yes of course we give freely of our time and money to our families but its nice to know we are appreciated occasionally.

We do Secret Santa between adults & atm DGCs are still school age. DH & I each receive a small gift from each set of DGC. This year I got some fun Nana & grandchild aprons (we cook together) and a lovely recipe book and dish from the other two DGC. Obv my DDs have bought these but kids have wrapped & written labels. I do not know what might happen in the future. I won't feel peeved if gift are not forthcoming..as long as they spend a bit of time with me.