Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

My stepdaughter still puts my stepsons names on her cards even though one of them is 27 and the other is 21 and they both left home years ago. It doe irritate me but I dont say anything. I dont expect a card from the younger one as he is a student but the older one now has a good job and a partner so it would be nice to receive one from him as up until Xmas 2018 we have always sent to him.
I have 4 grandchildren. I always see two of them at Xmas and they give me and DH a small gift, and send us little thankyou cards for theirs, but the other two who are 180 miles away are now estranged as my ex DIL refuses any firm of communication ( no idea why) . I still send generous gifts for birthdays and Xmas but as usual am still waiting for a response. I am left wondering if they ever receive them.

Tbh i think it’s down to our children not bringing their children up to be well mannered and thoughtful. Although it’s down to individual personalities too, i do think it’s upbringing. Although i wouldn't have expected a gift (well maybe a token one) I don’t think it’s too much to expect some acknowledgement of a gift by way of a phone call or note.

I think you’ve done the right thing by saying something. There’s far too much tolerance of poor behaviour for fear of upsetting the apple cart. Your granddaughters’ responses however, were very pleasant and they’re obviously lovely girls.

Ps i wouldn’t still be giving pocket money at that age.

My late FIL used to give my children money and tell them "dont spend it on rubbish save it" my own mother would give money and tell them to buy something they'd enjoy.Its just different attitudes but my FIL used to really annoy me by saying it,a gift should never come with strings .You seem to think because you give to them they must give back.No concern over circumstances ,whether or not these young people have spare cash to buy gifts .Its just plain wrong .Why would you ever imagine its ok to ask for a present? I'm the opposite to you,I tell my children and GC NOT to buy presents for us ,we have everything we want/need and if we dont we can well afford to buy it ourselves .

I never EXPECT a gift from anyone, and would certainly never ask for one either!

I think to some degree the format is set when child is young. If parents buy small separate gift from child or they add child's name to their gift. Over the years this then progresses. Either way it does not mean dgc loves you more or less. They just do what is normal for them. Your dd should have said nothing and let you resolve issue with dgc.

I really don’t think it was your DD who took exception here. Your granddaughters were probably gracious and apologetic to you because your DD has brought them up to be decent, respectful young ladies. How they responded to you and how they really felt, is evident in your daughter’s reaction. It does not reflect poorly on your granddaughters just because they did not give you an individual gift. I am assuming you still got a gift. Your granddaughters are relatively young at 18 and 21. Girls are no longer married with families at this age. Most are still living at home, at university or colleague and working part time. I see no problem in them going in on the family gift if they are not yet at the stage of living independently. And even then, just because you cared for them as children or gave them ‘pocket money’, does not entitle you to anything from them. Yes, it is good manners to reciprocate a gift at Christmas, but your own manners have been less than exemplary. Just be happy that you have a good relationship with them.

Agree with Bluebelle and Pat1949.
I don't 'expect' presents off anyone and I would certainly NEVER ask for one off anybody.
We treat all our DCs and DGC the same, spending exactly the same amount on each at Christmas and for birthdays, regardless of what we may have done or not done for them.

In return we get carefully chosen presents for birthdays and Christmas from my DD and a token gift from her young DDs (despite her single parent status and low income). We get small gifts from my cash strapped DS, his OH and their young DCs. And every Christmas we get a cheap, unwrapped box of chocolates from my OH's DD, her OH and adult children, with nothing for our birthdays.

It irks me that OH''s DD and family treat us this way, despite what we've done for them over the years. BUT I would never ask for a birthday present or something better for Christmas.

You give because you want to, not for what you may receive in return. Otherwise don't bother!

I sympathise too, it does seem to be a sign of the times and it makes me feel sad.

Sorry Lemonlegs13, I don't think that one should ever ask for presents. Do remember that the childcare you gave was for their parents' benefit rather than an expectation from young children and it is your choice to give monetary gifts to the family. If you are giving gifts in the hope that you will receive one in return, perhaps it is time to stop!

Smacks of emotional blackmail.

I agree bluebelle I just live giving gifts don't really care about receiving them. It's nice to feel valued though. I think probably the OPs grandchildren have just got used to having their names on their parents presents. I used to do the same with my children when my parents and PIL were alive.

Your expectations corrode the beauty of gifting. Gifting becomes something entirely different if one expects their grandchildren to send a gift in a specific manner that they deem fit (because they are sending you a gift, you just don't like the manner in which its being sent), vocalizes these expectations, then gets upset when their expectations are not met, and further retaliates in anger against the said grandchildren.
Change your expectations and respect their gifting ideas too. Is this the first time that gifts have been presented this way, or has this been a norm? To be honest you sound a little entitled, needy and over yearning for your grandchildrens affection. If this was not the case why do you seem upset at them for discussing this with their parents when they have every right to talk freely with and to their own parents about anything? Respect goes both ways and some would consider your request/expectation very disrespectful too for most people don't ask others for gifts. Don't see the need to ruin your relationships over something so trivial.

It seems I am in the minority in whether to expect a present or a card. I can't understand why anyone should expect a present or complain when they don't. Whatever I've 'done' for my grandchildren I've done with no strings attached. I've more or less brought four of them up while their mum's were working full time. If you love your grandchildren why think they love you any less because you don't receive a present. I really do not understand why you feel so hurt. To be honest, I wouldn't appreciate a present that I'd had to ask for.

Lemonlegs13 - you had a nice reply from GDDs which is what counts. I am sure they will remember what you said. Try to remember that DDs often are hormonal and this can be what causes their outbursts or make them irrational.

I must say I never expect gifts from any one and am just happy if someone does a nice thing and gets me something. I used to go in with my parents on gifts to elderly relatives when I was your GC ages and no one seemed to mind, I was at sixth form when I was the age of the younger one and had virtually no money and just out of uni when at the age of your older one so ditto! You don’t say if these young people are working or not but I can well see why they were happy to go in with the family gift and wouldn’t think of being either hurt or offended in your shoes. I did start getting gifts in my own right once I was earning

I think I'm on your side lemonlegs13.a small gift that grandchildren have choose, bought and wrapped themselves means so much.would I have sent them the said message.i think I'm on the fence on that one.

You shouldn't need to ask for a gift, it should just come along.
Like you We have done loads for our dd and gc, however they do seem to appreciate it at the time.
We can be fairly honest with each other but I now go by the old adage if you wouldn't say it to a friend then don't say it to family.This has got me out of lots of,scrapes.

Wrong to ask for a present - what will it mean if your GDs feel they have to buy you something?!

It's a sad sign of the times, Isn't it?
I saw this online, "We used to use things and love people, now we use people and love things" which seems to sum up the modern attitude. It sounds so cynical but I think there's some truth in it.
I hope the pendulum will turn some time in the other direction.

I learnt a great lesson from my parents when I was a child! If you are giving something to someone, give it with a heart and a half and a smile, otherwise, don’t do it. Never look for praise or thank you!
Of course it is lovely to get a thank you, and we were raised to remember our manners which we passed into our children. They have done likewise.

We all of us have less than bright ideas that can be taken the wrong way, young or old, although your granddaughters seem fine and understood. Just carry on as normal and it will blow over soon hopefully.

Being made to feel guilty and demanding they buy you gifts is no way to endear your family to you. I am with your DD on this one and would have been very cross.

I don't yet have grandchildren, but when we were in our late teens and from then on we always bought inexpensive but thoughtful presents for our grandparents, which were cherished by them. It would never have occurred to us to get them nothing as they'd been so generous and kind to us throughout our childhood. Sorry, but this generation have been brought up to be self-serving and expect instant gratification and have not been taught about simple courtesy and manners. I have 20 nieces and nephews from both of our families to get Xmas presents for , ranging in ages from 10 months to 32.I bought them all what I deemed to be considered presents & wrapped and labelled them all. To date I have received only 4 "Thank-You" texts, and in this day of instant communication ( phone, texts,Whatsapp, e-mails and not forgetting mail too) that is just plain rude. There is only a handful of the kids that would believe in Santa anyway. This has been ongoing for years, and I've had enough and next year will just not bother to get all the ones that couldn't be bothered to say two little words - which mean a great deal.

When my children were little I always bought the presents they gave to Nan and Gran (no Grandads as both died before/first year DC arrived). Sadly both Nan and Gran also passed away before my DC were adults so never had this issue, they did write the cards that went with the presents I had bought though. I do give my DGC pocket money at the moment but they are aware that this will stop when they are 18, same as I did with their Mum and my son.

I can really understand your upset, Lemonlegs. You didn't give to your DGC expecting them to reciprocate, but at 18 and 21 I'm sure they will be buying presents for friends and their M&D. At that age, I would feel a bit hurt that I wasn't included on my DGC's Xmas list, a card would be enough. It's just something to show they've thought of you, isn't it?
If you always recieve a family present, it's probably never entered their heads that they could give you one independently. I agree that the problem was caused by your DD rising up against perceived criticism of her DC, as we all do. They obviously have thought about how to reply so as not to hurt your feelings or fall out, so I would suggest to just carry on as normal. By next Christmas any ill feeling about this should have calmed down.
I remember my excitement as a kid, going to Woollies to buy my Grandma's present. Hopefully now they are aware, they might realise how nice it is to give something back.