Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

I know I often hurt my grandparents but never, ever meant to as I loved them dearly. The main thing, Lemonlegs, is that your DGDs sent you a lovely reply. Remember that DDs are often hormonal so the time of the month may determine her reponse to anything you say. This is what I find, and I just ignore it.

At 18 I was engaged at 21 I was married with a mortgage, I was always thoughtful to my mother and father and my in-laws it’s called respect. Now a grandma to 5 granddaughters I would be heartbroken if they forgot me on my birthday and Christmas it’s not the presents I would just like their company and to see them. I do think that adult children aren’t as adult as we were and don’t have the same respect as we did, times change.

I never receive presents from grandchildren on their own, but some of them sign the card from their parents, and I understand they take a hand in the choice of present. What does hurt is when an AC suddenly, after over 40 years, stops sending any acknowledgement of Christmas or birthdays, on the grounds that he is a bit short of money. Just a wrapped chocolate bar would make my heart sing, but obviously it is not going to happen!

Unfortunately, I think we are bringing up a generation that omits to say thank you for anything!
My ex SiL always made a big thing of saying "it costs nothing to be polite" and yet I never received a thank you from either of her children, so actually stopped sending gifts.
My nieces children never say thank you either!
I'd not expect a present from any young family members unless they were earning their own wage - at 18 and 21, they are surely too old for "pocket money " too, suggest you have a quiet word in the near future explaining that you are on a low income and can no longer afford to give them money, beyond a gift at Christmas/birthday.

We gave up having adult presents years ago as nobody needed anything - crunch came when son said he could do with a new fleece, having said for years there was nothing he needed, and ended up with six.

This has relaxed slightly to "Bring a small token to hand over to xyz if you are with xyz on Christmas Day

Presents in general only for small children - once they become teenagers it's just money in a card. When GD1, the oldest became 18 and had a weekend job we thought OK, she is now an adult and so teetered on not sending her anything. Armageddon avoided at last minute when I saw look in DS's eye.

I was hoping to just give DGD a piece of jewellery on special occasions. Will have to think.

Grandchildren have never sent us anything. Don't think it happens or has ever happened within the extended family. Our own children give us chocs etc on birthdays.

It is difficult in an age of electronic communication. I have always said a card (bought or homemade) - though not cheap nowadays with postage etc. and, if they have received a gift I expect a thank you - in 'my day' hand written but a phone call will suffice. It's common courtesy which is fast disappearing in many aspects of life

I always bought my 3 up to give little individual gifts to grandparents and they carried on doing this with their children. Many teenagers now tho, just think that as their parents give gifts to their parents, then they don’t have to. It is hurtful for you and yet another mine field, to speak out or just keep quiet and accept things.... to keep the peace !

I get this every year with nieces and nephews who don't even bother sending a card at Xmas or birthday. I've now stopped buying for birthdays and it will be cards only at Xmas as I don't even get a thank you from most of them.

Of course each person deserves to be treated with respect. Maybe it is better to pre empt this sort of dance of disappointment by some clear communication before Christmas and other celebrations?

Good for you Gonegirl and to the other grans who are neglected by grandchildren at Christmas. I know some of my friends who are being treated similarly are also very angry about it but keep quiet so as ‘not to rock the boat’.
Well I’ve rocked ours and I can live with it, it’s about respect.

Well, I'm expecting an Easter Egg from my elder GS. And I'll have something to say if I don't get one.

I can sympathise. 4 of my GCs are working and although I send them money for Christmas and birthdays, I don’t even get a card from them. I do get a thank you but I can’t help feeling they are a little thoughtless. I would not say anything because it would devalue what they bought to have been promoted.

Hoping not hoooing

My grandaughters are 9. I always have a Christmas present from them which I know at the moment my daughter pays for but they are delighted to give it me on Christmas morning. I’m lucky enough to live very nearby so always spend Christmas Day with them . I’m hoooong that when they are older the example they’ve been given means they’ll continue as they get older maybe at some point buying with their own money. I don’t give them regular pocket money but put money and chocolate in an ascent calendar for them every year and buy them gifts throughout the year

In their 18 & 21 years, have they ever given you a gift? Is this the first year they've forgotten you?

If this has been a regular thing as they grew up, then it's become normal.

If they'd asked their parents if a gift for granny was appropriate, it may well be they were told, 'It's all right, we put all our names on gifts, so don't bother.'
With no one realising how upset this has made you - until you pointed it out.

I hope this resolves without further problems.

I'm amazed that you've been giving them pocket money at 18 and 21 . I've never even thought of giving my GC pocket money - that's for their parents to do.

As for gifts, mine send cards for me at birthdays and Christmas and that's perfectly fine with me. I can't imagine writing to them and asking for a gift. I guess every family is different.

I would have been ashamed to take a gift from my grandmother at 18, let alone at 21.

Perhaps this should be the last round of granny handouts for these young adults.

I think because mumsnet members are more for going 'no contact'.
Maybe a generational thing?

What’s mumsnet got to do with it?

OK sorry.

Nothing ‘going on for me’ that caused this upset at all!!
Pure thoughtlessness on their part and being self absorbed.
But I’m wiser now and finding the range of responses interesting without getting personal.....

I don't wish to be unkind, but maybe consider what is going on for you that means the lack of a small gift at Christmas has caused this upset?

Mums do protect their sons. You take your life in your hands if you let any little bit of criticism through to my DD about her boys. And I'm the same with mine. Even now. ?

"Kids are naturally self centred". Yes, maybe. But isn't that what bringing them up is all about?

Interesting range of responses....
In my case it was a pity my DD and SIL intervened and made a mountain out of a molehill.
At 18 and 21 my DGD’s are grown women and their response to me should have been left there, end of story.
We’ll see what happens!