That's it then. Finito.

Sorry to hear that the saga is ongoing

Have they gone back to China or just moved out? If it's the latter then this is surely good news? In your previous thread it was clear that things were very stressed and that you wanted them to move out. It sounds like a good idea that they can be independent, get their own space and make their own parenting decision.

I think that your son did a very poor job of helping his wife integrate into a whole new culture. It was clear from your previous thread that she had little idea what to expect and how different things would be in the UK. She also had the whole visa problem hanging over her head, and still may have this issue (your son must earn over £22,400). It is really hard to settle and integrate when you might be forced to leave in a few months,

I think that things need to settle for a while. I wouldn't say it is necessarily "finito" forever but from your previous thread no-one was happy and you were talking about throwing them out - so I think it is best that your son's family lives elsewhere,

Sorry - cross posted with your update.

Frankly from your update your DIL sounds very depressed staying in her room, lethargic, not eating, not bothered about hygiene, not able to face making social contacts. Perhaps it is best that she returns to the support of her family.

@bluebelle I am relieved that I did stand by my convictions and not give up my job because she only had a six month visa at the most and I'd have bonded so deeply with my GS and the separation would have been heartbreaking. I always felt she should be his main carer since she would have been going back to China after six months, not me. As it was I played with him every day after work and spent quality time with him and I'm grateful for that time.

Just to be clear, she was really welcomed from the beginning , but she behaved in really hurtful ways by rejecting our family and being rude about things we did for her. She criticised our house, said it wasn't up to her standards and did her best to cause disruptions. If she had been friendly, she would have been a lovely addition to our home. I may not have explained that in my other post as I wrote when I was feeling very frustrated. Although, however frustrated I felt, I never showed my feelings once to her. We did have some times when we laughed together, but they were rare...

@cold yes it's probably best for her to return to her family since her MH would have been affected. Many times I tried to encourage her to get some daylight because she wasn't even opening the curtains... but overall, I can't be what she needs.
Not sure what my son will do, but he really needs to start telling the truth - and stop saying what he thinks people want to hear. I am 100% sure he was telling her one thing and us another, so a lot of it is his fault.

Oh dear how awful that she lied about you.well when someone tells lies about someone that's serious in my opinion.what will she do next
I'm sorry I can't help you but hope things will improve from you

Improve FOR you.

@Jaye53 The lie she told to my DS on his first day in his new job was that she went out and then I didn't let her back in the house! The actual truth was that I was cooking a meal for the whole family and waiting for everyone to come home and eat it! My husband and younger DS were there and verified what I said, so my DS MUST know she was lying.
Im pretty shocked she would act like that when he had just started a new job, but obviously we were not going to let DS think we could do such a thing.

I think she just sulked because I wasn't going to give up my work and didn't want to be carer for her child. My son did absolutely ALL the childcare before he started work...

Thanks @Jaye53

I don't know whether Chinese girls expect their children's grandparents to look after them, or not. I wouldn't have thought so, as the Chinese are still brought up to respect their elders.

It doesn't sound as if there was much of that attitude from your DIL.

I'm a little confused: is your DIL returning to China permanently, or for holiday?

In your place, I would ring DS up and ask how the new job is and his new home, it can't do any harm to say you are sorry things were difficult while they were staying with you. Just don't sound as if it was your fault, because that is not what it sounds like to me.

Whatever grandparents do or don't do in China, you had explained that you could not afford to stop working to look after the child. I hope you pointed out that in Britain parents look after their children or pay to have someone do it for them.

I hope you do manage to get a more manageable relationship going.

It sounds to me as if your DIL has some serious problems, either adjusting to marriage or motherhood. If you do talk to you son, ask about her, but be tactful, so he doesn't feel you are criticising her.

I mean SHE didn't want to be carer for her own child! If I was retired, I'd have been more available...but I'm a long way from that.

DIL is Chinese and only had a six month visa to stay here. Only two months have passed so she has likely gone back temporarily, but she may talk my son into going back with her for good. I don't really know, but she seems to wear the trousers...
DS says he doesn't know every time I asked him. But now we're not in contact. He hasnt replied for a few days so I just sent him a message wishing him all the best and saying I hope they'll be happy whatever they decide to do.

I'm really confused like a few more in here! I seem to recall from previous thread lavazza1 that DIL was taken grandson out and feeding him rubbish, convenence food and you had no say in what he was eating ? But now you claim you were doing ALL the cooking??

@grandtanteJE65 Yes, they DID both expect me to drop everything when they got here even though I had been clear and honest before they came. They both tried to shame me by listing all the things that her 79 year old Grandma does for them, including getting up at 5am to chop firewood, going to the market to buy "fresh food" twice a day, cooking three hot meals, cleaning the house and doing all the childcare. THAT is what they expected. But they were dishonest about that before they came. When they were in China I agreed to look after GS between 12 and 2 and take a long lunch in order to do this. When they arrived, I was NEVER allowed to have him during that time and they tried to erode my boundaries using shaming tactics.

@H194 ALL the cooking means the evening meal. She was taking him to Mcdonalds in the daytime...

So she deliberately extracted pubic hair and planted them on your Lush soap or was it merely and oversight?

Strange times indeed.

We only have one cooked meal a day, so just to clarify- ALL the cooking means cooking from scratch one healthy meal a day.
I always consulted with her what to cook, before someone jumps in and suggests that I wasn't being culturally sensitive. She never seemed very interested, but she did criticise my "tasteless" vegetables and sugested I fried them in salt. I objected due to high blood pressure and sugested she added it at the table.

@Lily65 I have no idea... but I can't imagine doing the same.

Lavazza1st - I don't think she should have come if she wasn't willing to "do as the romans"

The problem is that someone has to explain to you carefully what "the Romans" do so that you know what is expected and can make an informed decision. It doesn't really sound like your son did that. You write that he told her what she wanted to hear, presumably that childcare was going to be provided so that she could do her online work (I think you mentioned that she was working last time. The problem is that both you and DIL are feeling tricked but are not actually blaming the person that gave the misinformation.

It is not always easy to find out cultural norms and expectations before you move - especially if your partner is not helping the integration process. I have an American friend who was once very upset because her Swedish MIL took her to task, publicly, calling her weird, for not following the Swedish buffet eating rules! Sometimes it is very hard as an outsider to understand these cultural norms that "everyone knows"

@Cold I do think it's DS's fault. I have always been transparently honest and brought him up that way, yet he seems to lie constantly.
I'd never shame her or do anything horrid, its not in my nature.

It's such a shame for you and the family that you are losing access to your GC because of this.

What is your son planning to do now? Are they splitting up/divorcing or does he intend to follow his child to China?

Childish behaviour due to her jealousy, resenting the closeness you have with your son,refusing food ?what an attention seeker she is..
Damaging your property ? myself ?would not have let it 'go' without comments.
You have done all you can and I have no doubt your son is aware of his wife's behaviour but clearly dances to her tune
Don't give up keep in contact with your son.






















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If son is staying with them in a hotel until she goes back to China on Saturday, where will he be living after that date ? Returning to your home ?

@Cold I dont know.
@sarahellenwhitney I knew she was trying to push my buttons and make me mad so she could claim to be a victim. I saw through it as I've met manipulative people before who did similar. I remained controlled and kind outwardly, though fuming in private. When she failed to get a reaction, she resorted to lying about us instead , to which I calmly told her to stop lying and pointed out the flaws in her "story".
@Nico97 I have no clue, but the ball's in his court as he is ignoring my messages.

Lavazza1st, this all sounds so sad. I have 2 daughters, no sons, only SILs who I adore. Would not step on their toes as they know that if they harm my girls, I have every right to do harm to them. They have no father as he passed 7 years ago. One SIL asked me for my daughter's hand in marraige, the other is scared of me and did not ? Your son sounds like he is trying to keep his marraige together in a culture that he does not understand. I feel sorry for you as my grandchildren are 60 and 140 miles away which is hard enough. I was told, 'do not burn bridges as I can't visit if the bridge is down' Good luck x

Do you think that now you are not all living in the same house things will improve? Maybe you were just living on top of each other and as my mum used to say, two women bosses in a house doesn’t work. There were some spectacular rows when my brother and his wife lived back at home for a while