That's it then. Finito.

I’ve been following this thread with incredulity. It sounds like a doomed relationship and you probably will see your son again - eventually. Maybe even with your DGS, although this will depend a lot I think on your DiL’s parents. I believe that in China many GPs look after their GC for the first six months at least and usually its the husbands parents.

If your DS isn’t usually prone to telling porkies perhaps he’s just trying desperately to hold his marriage together. It’s something only he can sort out. I hope all turns out for the best for you - whatever the best is!

Is it just me or can someone explain how Chinese GP can look after DGC if they've had no experience looking after children?

@Cosmos thanks. After talking it over with friends and family, I and they don't think I could have done anything differently. All agree that what they did in trying to erode my boundaries was unfair.
@NfkDumpling thanks, this is the first MD that Ds has not bothered. Well, I think he did buy me something last weekend but decided not to give it. (I thought I saw a MD gift in a bag last saturday but it could have been for her)
DS is known for telling porkies in the past, but never like this before. I really feel I cannot trust him, which is sad.
@Gramaretto Traditionally in China, the mother has the baby and hands it over to the MiL who is responsible for all it's care and upbringing. As we are not in China (therefore not bound by Chinese customs), I agreed to care for him between 12 and 2 (taking a long lunch) but she never actually let me do it. It became clear early on that she was punishing me and using Gs to do so. It would have been a sacrifice to me to take such a long lunch as it would have made me need to work longer later on, so I continued to work as usual while she didn't allow me to have him.

Are you treating her like a child? Sitting up to the table, being late for meal times your dinner gets cold. Is she adult or a child, sounds like your overpowering and controlling her. Its your sons wife his child let him deal with the problem get on and work and let them sort their marriage out. Is your son still hanging off you, I guess she can see this. We have chinese friends they do not like western food much, also mother in law does all the child care, daughters go to work. A different culture, would stop the mealtime thing. Get on with your life.

I'm so sorry things have come to this unhappy place, Lava. However, I think it's better for all that they are out of your home. I'm glad you got to say goodbye to little GS and have a "cuddle" though.

IMO, this was a matter of mismatched expectations, miscommunication (between the young couple, as well as between you and them), and, of course, outright lies, as much on DS part as DIL's.

I agree that some culture shock may have been involved, too, even if just "family culture shock.' It seems both DS and DIL expected you to be like her mom and failed to respect the fact that you're an individual in your own right, w/ your own needs, beliefs, etc.

Perhaps DIL's MH is also a factor? She/they may have thought you would understand that. But none of this excuses her rude behavior.

I'm sorry DS isn't communicating w/ you right now, but he probably doesn't know what to say or wants to work things out w/ DIL before he answers. Better, IMO, than when he lies or confuses people. Glad you've stopped messaging him. Please be patient and wait till he reaches out to you.

:Gmum our kitchen area is so small and our house was so full that we couldnt all get around the table if the littlest ones didnt get in first. Looking back, I dont see what I could have done differently as our house just isnt big enough for an extra two adult chairs and a highchair.

I would not have minded if Dil or DS offered to cook but they did not. I was not happy to be kitchen slave, but you are right- their expectation was that I should be full time child carer, full time skivvy and pay for all GS's clothes, nappies etc....But none of this was explained before they came to live with us.

Yes I was naive. I had no idea that becoming a Granny to a Chinese girl's baby meant that my life was over, that I was not supposed to work or have a life outisde of the kitchen. I had no idea that they expected us to buy them a house! They threatened us that if we did not buy them a house, they would not be there for us in our old age.

All of it is unfair because we are not rich in any way and could not afford to do what they were expecting. If only they had been honest about their expectations before leaving China, a lot of pain and confusion could have been avoided!

Yes you're right Starlady. I wish they had been honest and upfront before expecting to come here and that I would suddenly become a slave.

Looking back, I do remember her laughing behind her hand and saying she hoped I wouldnt find the cultural differences too hard! Wow. The cheek of it! I have always believed that "when in Rome do as the Romans!" and expected her to realise that our ways are different. This was never discussed, but it's my thoughts in hind sight. I also thought she would integrate into the Chinese community here- but she did not.

Who, when they are 15 years off retirement can afford to jack in their job and pay money that they did not earn to support a child they did not birth when it's parents are both working? I am a little annoyed now when I look back because I feel like there was nothing I didn't do for them. We all ent over backwards for them, but nothing was good enough- because they were waiting for a property to arrive in their laps!

The stupid thing is, if I was wealthy and could afford to do it, I probably would have- just to see my Grandchild. In the end everyone loses- so they should have been honest in the first place.

Every Chinese girl who thinks a white man comes from a rich family needs educating that this is often not the case. Every Chinese girl who wants the benefits of not having a Chinese mother in law, cannot expect an English mother in law to fulfil what the Chinese one would have culturally done!

I have two sons who married Chinese girls and now both are estranged. Living in China has made their expectations of what family should provide exceed what we are able to do- and made them feel entitled to a house and a slave. They are also exhibiting genes from their abusive Dad, my ex- unfortunately. A fact that I earlier omitted as I didn't want to face it. Six months later and another son with a Chinese wife and a baby that I'm unlikely to see and I am extremely realistic!

Omg Labazzalst.

Phew just read it all and update. All I can say : the day they left I would have been dancing in the street!

I don’t care who they are but if anyone expected to dictate how I live my life they are gone!!

Are you now saying your two sons are now back home and bullying you? Show them the door!! You have done your best. You have raised your kids. Now is YOUR time. Ideally with family but not at any cost.

Be happy

They arent here Tedber, DS1 is NC of his own accord, believed to be in the uk and DS2 is als NC of his own accord and currently in China.

As far as I can tell, they are NC because their manipulations failed. There is little point trying to extort something from smeone who doesnt have it in the first place!! Seems like they realised and wrote me off, their choice!!