That's it then. Finito.

Maybe she felt terribly homesick and if your son got a job over here maybe she was scared she would not be able to go back home. Whatever there was no need for her to be unkind to you but she does sound very confused and unfortunately not willing to discuss it. Your son is in a very difficult position. I don't think you can do any more than you have done -perhaps she will feel happier at home in China. I just hope that things improve to the extent that you can keep in contact with your GS.
We had a Chinese girl married to an English guy with a little daughter in our village. Unfortunately their marriage broke up and she now lives in China town in London. She was a really nice girl and made an effort to fit in with everyone. Gave us all a cookery lesson in the village hall. Lovely girls.

@Jani31 thanks! I can't visit China, in any case due to ties here.

@madmum38 I don't know. Will see if son materialises at the weekend. I didnt row with her but we both kept quiet. It didnt work at all and my husband told my son we would probably all be happier if they rented somewhere.

@25Avalon she is on a tourist visa at the moment, so she was due to return in July. It might be that he painted a rosier picture than reality. Also another Chinese girl, my other sons GF told her how much she loved staying here. The fidr Chinese girl made lots of effort, was very friendly and joined in with everyone. She couldnt cook, but loved my cooking All the Chinese girls I have ever met have been lovely- friendly, kind and polite- so I had no idea how this would be so uncomfortable! I have never met a more sullen, uncommunicative , manipulative individual, sadly.

Oops typo- I meant to say the first Chinese girl.

I understand your pain. My SIL started lying about me the moment he entered my family's lives. He brainwashed my daughter with these tactics and although always there for them, like you, and letting them live with me on several occasions with the same circumstances. I paid the bills, worked full time yet expected to cook and clean while they did nothing. Then, when I was losing my mother, they decided to go no contact where I lost my grandchildren too. Heartbroken, I got help and learned these behaviors are about them not you. I learned to set boundaries and no longer tolerate being treated badly. While I miss my grandkids, I've chosen to continue the NC with my daughter and SIL as it is only a relationship of convenience and what you can do for them. Ignore the lies as you don't have to become the monster they need you to be to validate their behavior.

She sounds like a very rude girl; I wouldn't make any excuses for her, culture differences or not. If she wasn't working herself, why would she expect free childcare from grandparents, why wouldn't she want to be with her child? It sounds like your son has made a very poor choice and is now trapped in this relationship if he wants to be with his child.

I am intrigued that both your sons have chosen Chinese partners!
I can't help thinking the culture clash is at the root of it.
I hope you can keep up the contact esp with your DGS.

We need to learn to say no to people - family or friends - who expect us to be a slave.mIf they don,t take the hint just stop doing.
She sounds as if she has a problem but remember it's her problem not yours, and by doing for her you are in a way enabling this behaviour.

I applaud you for keeping your calm in this awful situation. I wouldn't have been able to bite my tongue! I agree that your son should have been honest and when things calm down I would tell him so. Carry on with your life knowing you did your best. As my mum used to say' it'l all sort itself out in the wash'

@Survivor Oh, no! I'm so sorry for your painful time! Losing your Mum and Grandchildren together must have been the pits! I'm glad you got help and I totally agree, its them. I know without a shadow of doubt that I've bent over backwards to accomodate them, but it has all been one way. As she was leaving, I said to their friends how sad it is, but that I can't fix a one way relationship because relationships take effort from both sides. I said it deliberately in front of DIL, but I doubt it will do any good. She didn't even say thankyou for having them or bye. Relationships DO take two. If she had been willing to put some effort in, we could probably have worked together...but without communication and effort. Nada!

@Grammaretto Yes it's strange! I think one copied the other, but I'm not sure! I don't think my others will follow suit after the latest dramas though, at least.

@HollyDoilly10 I did say no and I do agree with you. I always cooked every night because of my husband and other kids and I always kept the house clean because it was a good way of coping with the anger! I have never had such a clean house and it probably helped keep me sane.

@Sharon103 Thanks, Im sure your Mum is right! I will tell him

@quizqueen yes he has made a series of poor choices, unfortunately. She is a ball breaker, controlling and manipulative. He will most likely spend the rest of his life dancing to her tunes if he wants to see his son as his son is Chinese.
He fed me lies, said he was going make his son to be an English citizen, but when I mentioned it to his wife she froze in horror. They also lied about his name, saying they had named him after my DH, but when they were phoning for a GP appointment they said a different name- and then the excuses started. They had registered him in a Chinese name and had lied to tell us he had my husband's name! After he was born they told us he had my DH's name, we had told everyone he was named after my husband. So it was such a shock to find they even lied about that. We wouldn't have minded him having a Chinese name, at all!

It's just been one lie after the other and now we don't know what to think.

Lavazza1st. I am so very sorry for you. This is a terrible experience and it will take you a long time to come to terms with it. Please do not hold your son to blame for his responses to the situation. He was being manipulated by the trickiest kind of person one might ever meet, and he had obviously fallen in love with her too. I do not think he could act rationally in this tortuous situation, the poor man.
I can see that you know her behaviour has nothing to do with her nationality and has no cultural bases. I am sure, from my professional knowledge, she may have a mental disorder of some kind. But that is not for us to decide! The things she has done to you are extremely manipulative and the extensive lying - including the story about her granny chopping logs which I also do not believe - plus the petty business of holding her son up to break lamp shades... it all adds up to something far more complicated than a normal person going through a difficult patch!
I think you have to accept that your DIL had a mental disorder of some kind, even though you are not able to get a diagnosis and even though it may be unethical to say so to anybody. But here, where none of us knows her or you, we can say that this behaviour is too extreme to be normal and that she probably will never be somebody you can ever reason with.
I am very worried about your poor son. He has a child by an unbalanced woman and is trying to please her and meet her unreasonable demands. In the end she will ruin him. Such people are impossible to please. She will keep him dancing on the end of her piece of cruel string while he tries to do all sorts of ridiculously unreasonable things to keep her happy. Eventually he will collapse or lose his job or a crisis of some kind will happen. It goes without saying that you know that whatever she wants she makes it impossible for you to achieve. So she will do this to him. It is part of her disorder, although you are in the position whereby you cannot say this outright. You could just stick to the facts, that is the things she does. Just observe that the behaviour and the things she demands are unreasonable and impossible to achieve. Keep a note of them. It is very easy to forget or get so tied up you "can't see the woods for the trees". Tell your son that the sooner he establishes his boundaries about how he needs to be reasonably treated the better. Also about how she looks after his son.
He needs to set the ground rules. However, she will not be reasonable, this I predict, so do not expect it. But if the ground rules have been made, then you/your son can establish that she is being unreasonable. Most importantly he has to ensure the safety and health of his son. This is such a priority because I fear the child is not in safe hands with her. While she is getting her own way, including enjoying hurting people, she will probably take reasonable care of her son. However, as he grows and makes more demands, I fear she will resent the time he takes away from her being able to do as she wants or get her own way. She will use him to blackmail your son.
I am so very sorry. It is terribly difficult because you are in the early stages of disbelief. You and your son are still trying to imagine what is going on in her head and are trying to find reasons for what she is doing. People here will clutter the issue by matching her against their normal rationale for such terrible behaviour and think up excuses. But she is not normal. You cannot imagine how she thinks because she does not apply the rationales and reasonings and even the ethics that normal people use to think about a situation. You just can't "get inside her head". Your son especially is not able to take in that his wife is mentally not normal. It is very important that he starts noticing how strangely she behaves and that her reasons for doing so are not really what normal people would say. Not on this scale, at least. You all need to keep a note of her lies. It could take some time for him to realise she is not quite right. I sincerely hope he does not sacrifice too much before then.
You really need to think in terms of damage limitation and the welfare of the little boy. The future is going to be a divorce and custody of his child when she will be in China with him. At some point he will need your help and support. Sorry! You must hope for the best but - in this case especially - be prepared for the worst!

Sorry. I have been concise which means it has been very direct and tough to take in. I am so very sorry.

Wow Tillybelle how do you arrive at your conclusions. Hard to believe all the problems are caused by the woman in question and the man is not only blameless but has been manipulated by his mentally ill girlfriend. Unbelievable post

@Tillybelle thanks so much because I feel that she may have a personality disorder. I am in shock, but at the same time, quite realistic.

I do know my son has lied a lot though. He has mislead me, cruelly decieved us- perhaps out of desperation to please his wife...but the effect is the same.

She sounds like my dil who is a narcissist with sociopathic behaviours. She lies and manipulates so we are nc with her. We still see gc and son but he has to pick his times. I do think he will see through her eventually especially as he no longer had any friends as they have distanced themselves from him due to her. Also family are stepping back and they do not get invitations to family events any more. Very sad but son is an adult and has to see it himself I just hope in still around when he does

He fed me lies, said he was going make his son to be an English citizen, but when I mentioned it to his wife she froze in horror.

I believe that China does not allow dual nationality so it would have huge consequences for her and the baby if your son had applied for British citizenship for his child

Here we go again.

Instead of trying to answer and maybe help the OP, the unjustified sniping at other posters begins.

Sheesh

@tooyoungtobeagrandma so sorry to hear that, but glad you can be nc with her! My son only has one friend...and he isn't allowed to drink alcohol either. When they were staying with us, he'd only drink if she was in the bath! He used to drink a fair bit before he was with her and he says she thinks it's a waste of money.
I hope both you and are are still around when both our sons see the light!

@Cold No they don't allow dual nationality so the boy was registered Chinese at birth, but my son said he was going to get it changed to English asap after they arrived in England because they want to live in England...That was always "the plan", he said. But I'm not sure she ever knew or agreed, now. I don't really know what to think now.

My DD is currently working with a young Chinese mum whose two year old is back in China with her parents. She is astonished that British mums manage to bring up children and work as well.

@grannybuy oh. To us that's awful, but its a cultural difference I was well aware of. My son kept assuring me that his wife wanted to be a full time Mum both before they came and during their stay. But I saw no evidence of it...I wish he was more in touch with the truth.

Maybe you should read all the posts Bradfordlass

I'm so sorry to hear the way the situation has ended. My son's relationship with his girlfriend was very rocky at the start, and I think she had post-partum depression since she couldn't cope very well with baby. His work situation did not help since he was gone for extended time in work camps for the oil fields. She ended up going back to her mum's for a few months.
At the time they lived in the next province to ours (a 16 hour drive by car) so there was not a lot I could do to help.
They did end up back together, and had another child, and now live in the same town as us. His work is now stable, he is home every day, but it was still a hard transition for her away from her family and friends.

Looking back, I think it was unreal expectations of being a mother, along with post-partum depression. Long dark Canadian winters being stuck in a small apartment with a baby did not help. Her mother was nearby so I think it was easy for her to escape to her mother's home.

Relationships issues are never one sided. It sounds like your son also needs to work on communicating, and of course the cultural differences are overwhelming. Perhaps there is some hope for them yet. Your son must be broken-hearted as I'm sure you are. Please encourage them to get some counselling, and I hope your son maintains contact with his son.

@CanadianGran so glad your situation improved! I agree, relationship problems are never one sided. I'm sure my son is overwhelmed, having just started a new job and having his wife complaining, no doubt. I'm not surprised he hasn't been in contact, he probably has too much to think about.
My husband and me just had a conversation where we said we could imagine her dumping the baby on my son at the last minute at the airport. She has always said she does not want to fly back with him on her own "because she won't get a break" and she will be exhausted after a whole week of looking after a 17 month old she has no experience of. He is literally into everything and she will be run ragged. We are hoping for our son's sake that she decides not to take him because he would be able to be a single parent, work full time and could use a chld minder or day nursery plus we could help him.
We obviously might be just getting our hopes up, but there is something in me that can't believe he's going. My son does all the childcare anyway and my GS adores him, so I think this would be the best option...She is not maternal and he'll suffer if hes not got his Dad...

Did she realise that you son had come here to find a job and I presume by him doing so they would settle here? Maybe she thought it was just a break to be able to see you and introduce you to your grandson and then got upset when she realised