That's it then. Finito.

I'm sorry. I definitely agree that you've been treated appallingly. Sadly, this is similar in many respects to how the estrangement began between my parents and my sister and BIL.

For now, I'd suggest waiting to see what happens. Wait for your son to contact you. Above all, please stay out of your son and DIL's relationship. When parents get involved in an AC's relationship it never ends well.

Ultimately, your son is an adult. He will need to decide for himself what he wants to do. It does sound as if she may have experienced some culture shock and there's no way to know for sure what it was he did tell her about moving to the UK.

I do hope the situation ends favourably for you.

@Madmum38 Yes she knew as far as I know...I dont know why she was upset except that my son said she wanted to be a full time parent, but we thought she wanted to be a career girl. At first she stayed in the bedroom all the time and DS said she was working. I was not so sure...but apparently she'd said "I have to work more because you don't have a job" to DS. I felt like she was behaving in an emasculating way as he still needed support and time to look for work. I ended up helping him look after GS because he was run ragged. I kept asking him "why are you doing everything?" and he wouldn't answer...I pointed out that relationships should be two way and he didn't respond...It was truly hard to see that he was her slave.

When he started work, she continued to try (and fail) to press my buttons, leave messes and refuse to even clean the highchair...she wouldnt eat with us or speak to us. So when she lied about us not letting her in the house we weren't surprised. It was all a ruse to poison the relationship between us and our son, so she could go back to China, apparently. I think she expected us to throw money at her but we already kitted them out with all the baby equipment, a bed, clothes and toys- everything they could possibly need for their stay. Nothing was good enough for her even though I know it's all better names and quality than she had in China...just so ungrateful and odd.

So both your sons have Chinese wives? One you like, one you don’t
The pubic hair story sounds ridiculous
She’s left but that’s still not right, you’re still into their business
I think no one comes out of this sounding very good and really wonder why you would want to air this sorry story
You said in your last thread you wished your son would get a job and they could move on, well thats all happened now so you need to get back to your own busy life and let them sort themselves out

It is very hard when people are staying long term with anyone. When my daughter and family stayed with us for three months after returning from NZ things got very fraught. I was thankful when they found their own house and left.

Also at one time we had French students for extended work placements. Most were lovely and blended in well but one (the only girl) was a pain in the backside.

Try to enjoy having your house back and keep in touch with your son at least. It’s been a bad experience but time to move on.

@Anja thanks for adding your experience. Sorry to hear things got very fraught for you with your daughter and family. Also the pain in the backside French Student. Goes to show to that even though as hosts we bend over backwards, relationships do take effort from both sides.

@nurse thanks, yes I am waiting for him to contact us. I have no idea how things will end up, but it certainly helps to talk about it and get feedback from others who may have experienced similar things or not.
I was estranged from my parents when I was his age because my parents and husband fell out. Looking back, my parents were in the right, as I believe we are- and we were 20 something and very selfish as many of that age are.
I'm not involved in their relationship, but obviously really glad it no longer affects us. It really is up to DS to do whatever he feels is right and Im sure one day he will be in contact even if it takes years. Thanks for agreeing that we've been treated appallingly. We think so too and our younger ones are so relieved that the house is restored to it's former home like feeling.

Long term, I hope DS finds a way to be happy, with someone who truly respects, supports and champions him. I'm not sure it will be her, but if it is then that will be best for their child.

BlueBelle. I respect your comments, here and on other threads. I think that Lavazza!st needed to "speak" to someone, because she had so many distressing emotions and memories and is so upset about her son and his family. It is natural to turn for help when you have experienced a protracted period of terrible stress. Often when it has ended, we feel somehow worse because nothing feels resolved. I am not surprised she turned to GNet because, as I have found, there is always a broad range of experience and so much kind support to draw on here. I hope she has support near her and that she might think of seeking counselling. As I said earlier, the experiences that she suffered at the hands of the DIL suggest the DIL is something more than simply an awkward person going through a difficult patch. This might mean that her son will need her support as time goes by. It is extremely sad, but people do have these conditions and they do upset everyone with whom they come into close contact.

agnurse So sorry to hear about your sister.

I completely agree with what you've said. It does not help at all for parents to get involved. I would just add the caveat that they need to keep in touch in an entirely open and ordinary way, such as she does with her other son. I do keep saying, sounding like the voice of doom, and feeling quite awful to be the one saying it, that her son has to know he can turn to his parents if he needs help. Somehow she needs to make sure he knows that they are always there, whatever he needs.

@Tillybelle thanks for that. Yes it has helped to share what happened, its helped me feel reassured and helped me to accept it and start to move on with life.
Ever since we knew they were having a baby, we looked forwards to meeting him- regularly talked on video phone and built up a relationship with him that way before finally meeting him. We noted that DiL rarely spoke on video phone but thought she was shy- never had an inkling that she would be like she was, but I guess she was saving it for "in person"! If we had got to know her on videophone I think we would have realised it wouldn't work, so that's a lesson learned.
I have a lot of experience of people with personality disorders, so I do feel DiL has one, sadly. I have not and would not say that to DS though. If he wants us we are here...Relatives who have met her say they think it will "end in tears" and cannot see a future for this relationship long term.
DH and I are always here if he needs help. He still has possessions here, so it's possible he might return for them after she has gone back. I just don't know... He might even want to live with us again, but without her. It will be hard for him to rent a property as he does not have a checkable work history due to living and working in China for so long- so he may have to come back and live here. Only time will tell.

@Lavazza1st I shall be thinking of you. I do admire how you have managed to get through her visit and keep outwardly calm and dignified. You clearly have a lot of insight into the situation. I hope you have someone to talk to who understands. It's a shock, even to those of us who know about these things, when such a person comes into our family circle. She is the mother of your grandson and that must be very hard for you. I do hope and pray that your son finds a path through this and that some good comes from it all. God bless you. Much love Elle

@Tillybelle I suspected she was trying to push my buttons fairly early on, but I would not give her the satisfaction of getting a reaction. I have talked to friends, prayed and kept on living my own life as much as possible in order not to fall prey to her plans.
Most people you can reason with, find a way forwards to work together- and I am pretty flexible so thought there would be no problems.
I too hope and pray he will find a way. I think he would make an excellent single father as he does all the childcare anyway. He's so capable that he would be able to manage a full time job and care for Gs in the evenings/weekends with our help. I think if it came to it, the government would help with childcare/tax credits or something? Not really sure how it all works nowadays, but if necessary we can find a way. If the worst happens and she does indeed take him back to China, I think we will never see him again- or not for a long time. We just have to trust and wait, knowing that nc with her is the only option, whatever the consequences are. Thanks Elle

Bluebell...6.45am, did you get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning? ?

Don't know why you say that Namsnanny I thought it was a perfectly valid post.

Don't know why you say that sodapop I thought my post was perfectly valid

No I didn’t Namsnanny but thanks for asking
I obviously see this different,y to you None of us know the real facts because in a situation like this you get the slanted view of only one side The poor girl can not answer for herself we don’t know why she was brought to England what the link to China is (both sons are married to Chinese girls) we know she has a young son we don’t know if she has post natal depression she was brought to a foreign country away from family and friends and familiar life and put into a strangers house with different customs, different food, and maybe she just needed a bit of understanding and help to be able to intergrate in her own time or maybe you are all right and she’s the spoilt brat Lavazz sees her as.
Somebodies got to sit on the fence and balance the thread so that we can see a possibily tiny bit of both sides it’s very very rare in life that problems are caused by just one person but by one person and then others reactions to that person I m just trying to balance it
Obviously the son loves her she is his choice and they have a little son I hope they can build a life and now with the problem removed hopefully Lavazz and her family will feel more comfortable That’s all I was saying

Bluebll..Please don't take offence, as none was meant.
I only reacted in a jocular way to the tone of your post.

There may be two sides to every story but all we know is that which is written here.

So I think it is of paramount importance to read what is written and create a dialogue based on that.

Even then. you yourself have pointed out many times that people on a virtual site such as this, may be making up fairy stories and even not exist so we could be talking to ourselves!!
It seems to me we can only ask questions and read the answers and reply in that context!!

I KNOW I'm no expert, so I prefer to concentrate on the actual written word, I find it easier than trying to second guess the sub text!!

I'm happy to say, you are free to do as you like.

I may be wrong, but where did the op say that her dil was a spoil brat?

Be that as it may, I'd like to make it clear that no where did I in anyway shape or form call the DIL a spoilt brat, nor would I ever use that phrase, or agree with someone who did use it!!!
It's empty of real meaning and adds nothing to the discussion.

FYI I haven't shown any opinions one way or the other and I'm not unsympathetic towards the sentiment you show in your post. Just haven't made a firm conclusion,

If I was making any point at all it was that somehow people don't always read and digest the original posters replies and dive in (most likely not you).

Therefore they don't get a better understanding of what is being expressed, and that benefits no one.

Enough said.

Just like to make it clear your contributions are always valid!!

@bluebelle No both sons are not married to Chinese girls. One is, the other isn't but she stayed here. If the girl wants to go on Mumsnet and share her side of the story I don't mind. Although she has probably shared her side in China on whatever site they use...and I can't defend myself there either.
We do feel more comfortable thanks, though it's a shame. I did REALLY try to support her and gel with her, but she would never open up to me and my son said she didn't want a Mother in Law!

@NamsNanny yes there are always two sides to every story, but I can't tell hers because I don't understand her or what has gone wrong from her perspective as she refused to talk.

From the moment she arrived to the moment she left, she made it clear that she did not want to open up. When my son told me she did not want a Mother in Law, she had been here a few weeks and was staying in our house. As a result, I felt hurt and cut off, but I still tried to make an effort to be friendly. I only really saw her at meal times as she stayed in her room and avoided contact with our family and also her son.
I don't remember anyone saying she was a spoilt brat, but I will say she acted like a princess...she wouldn't even clean the highchair after her son had made a mess I asked her to a few times and she just walked out. I shouldn't have needed to ask, really because she should have been cleaning up after him as there was a lot of extra cleaning because they were there and I was doing everything!

Looking back, I think we should have insisted on more video calls with her to see if we were compatible. When we used to video call with DS she was usually absent or busy- we thought that was because she was in China and had stuff to do, but that was the case here as well. She simply did not want anything to do with Ds's family. Living in our house though and not wanting anything to do with anyone, just became rude.

I remember a mother on the maternity ward , about 40 years ago , who demanded that the nurse bottle fed her baby , I asked her why she didn't want to do it , was she in pain , sad , or tired . She looked at me in amazement and explained that her MIL was on her way from China to fetch the baby , her first child was already with her own mother in China ! She had no intention of looking after the child , she had done her bit by incubating it . She had a high powered job and her Husband was busy too , but I did think things had changed

Lavazza1st
I quickly looked at the thread before this when you wrote about when your son and his wife and child were with you. It is obvious that you have had an extremely difficult situation to deal with and that you have been trying to do whatever you can to help the young mum feel comfortable - from buying Chinese foodstuffs from the Chinese Supermarket to observing CNY and trying in every way you could to make her comfortable. I found that on the threads people were quite tough on you as if you did not appreciate how hard it was for her in a different culture. I disagree, you described many things you did for them all which were very kind indeed. I really don't know how you managed, as you had to keep working from home as well. I think you have done incredibly well. It was such a difficult situation and sometimes it is not possible to understand and help people, no matter how much we try. I would have found it hard not to have felt very irritable if a mum kept leaving me to clear up her baby's high chair table after his meal, apart from her total disinclination to help with anything at all!
I do not think that looking back to see what you think you "should" have done to prevent such a difficult situation is any help to you or being fair to yourselves. You know you did your best! You know you spent a lot of your very hard-earned money on the baby, and you welcomed them with open arms. She seems to have very special needs, for reasons we probably will never understand. She certainly came thinking her in-laws were buying her a house and a car, I remember! I actually find that rather a lot to take in! I'm sure she must have known this was not a reality!
Please try to relax now and give yourself time to get over the ordeal. None of what happened is your fault. I hope the young mum will soon settle and feel more on an even keel and resume child care responsibilities like any mum. I suspect she has some hurdles to get over and may prefer to go back home. We can only pray that your son can get a job soon and she can feel happy and, most importantly, that the little boy will be safe and grow healthily and happily.
Good luck Lavazza1st! You've been on a marathon which took you round several mazes! But you got through. God bless you all. I really do pray that your family will be together happily.

aggie....your story does add meat to the bones (background) of Lavazza1st's predicament!
A completely different type of thinking.
Other posters have said similar things.

Lavazza1st.....I was trying to clarify for bbell that op's cant really be expected to give all sides to their story, they are afterall looking for an outsiders point of view of their problem.
I wouldn't expect anything different.

I did think that Tilly might have the best understanding of the situation, and I hope her advice is useful to you
For what its worth IMO, you were lucky your experience with your other sons gf came first, so you had a yardstick (sotospeak) to judge the latest sons relationship by!

Also, I think it must be as you described, an anti climax for them to leave that way. 2 months in each others pockets then (as someone else said) pffft!!

I hope you get updates or photos of the gc in the future, as it sounded as if you had some good times with him.

As an aside, did you ever get to the bottom of the white food incidents?
A bit of a daft question I know but I had wondered if it was something to do with observing traditional customs, as there are foods that are eaten for good luck or special occasions (like turkey at Christmas or hot cross buns at easter) in China.
Anyway, I hope you hear from your son soon.

Thanks all, so much for all the understanding messages and good wishes, yes @NamsNanny we had some lovely times at least. No DS has not been in contact, still. No I never did get to the bottom of the white foods. Gs was given a lot of low nutrient foods, but then white rice is the staple food in her part of China. So maybe it feels normal to eat lots of white foods?

@aggie thats so sad and shocking! Imagine just being an incubator and never enjoying your child! I do think that's the problem with DiL, unfortunately. But no one warned me! I do feel miffed because I made my boundaries clear and I feel like they thought they could overide them.

@TillyBelle thanks so much! I do feel we've done everything possible. I feel for the older generation too. My Dad is pretty devastated and we havent told my MiL yet Just can't face telling most people, including relatives but will have to soon.

I read your first thread and this also and in my opinion the person to blame for this fiasco is your Son, who had promised his wife that you would buy them a house and car and also that you would give up your work to look after their Son, all of which he had absolutely no right to do so.
They arrive penniless and although you had bought them everything which they would need for the baby, this was not good enough, your house was not good enough, the food which you provided was not good enough and you were not good enough.
None of it lived up to her expectations because of the blatant lies that your Son had told her.
How dare he do this and try to make you feel guilty because you didn't acquiesce to his lies?
As far as I can tell, you and your family did your best so I would feel absolutely no guilt that your Dil is returning to China and he is staying in an hotel, their choices.
You have handled this far, far better than I would have, so relax, get your life back and don't have them stay with you again.

@Bambam yes I do blame DS for not telling the truth about anything.
Possibly the most hurtful thing they did was lie and tell us they had named GS after my husband (Ds's stepdad) and we only found out the truth when GS was ill and DS was on the phone to the GP... We would not have minded what name he had- Chinese, English or any- but flattering us and telling us he was named after my DH! :O It was such a shock finding out in that way- and DS just made an excuse that that's what his name WILL be when he becomes British...Except I checked that out and it costs over a thousand pounds and needs both parents signatures. I can't see her ever agreeing.

They were'nt penniless. They had money from their jobs in China- and savings too. They just never gave us any money towards food. He agreed to, but never did and DH thinks it was because she objected.

Many times I saw DiL look at me with SUCH disdain and even disgust when I was cooking. She asked me why I didn't buy a slow cooker because I was stirring bolognese! Basically everything I did was wrong, but she never offered to cook once!

DS has behaved abominably. He did not even tell us he was going to a hotel. I messaged him to tell him his stuff was gone at 6pm that night to see what he would say and he just said "oh is it?" Then "I might not be home then"

I made my boundaries perfectly clear before they came, but they did their best to erode them. DH and I still feel like we're being held to ransom. Probably if we threw enough money at them, they would come back. But as my DF says, they would control us for life. He says don't give into them- and I won't.

If DS did lie about all of those things, then yes it's very much totally his own fault. I don't know if he lied or if they just assumed. He even said he thought looking after GS would "cheer me up" :O

What they expected, I could never deliver. Because they expected me to buy everything for GS - nappies, clothes, shoes etc PLUS be his full time carer. There's no way I can afford to give up work full stop and I definitely CANT afford to buy things if I don't earn money!! The whole thing is TOTALLY ridiculous and I'm so glad I can share it here or I think I would have gone mad.

I am now relaxing, thanks so much. They will never stay here again. I will never trust DS again- at least not in the near future. Thanks to everyone who has communicated on this issue. It beggars belief that anyone could be so cruel, but we will at least have a relaxing weekend.

Assuming other's also think DS is to blame for not telling the truth, any advice in tackling this would be great. (If DS talks to me again anyway- it occurs to me that we only heard one accusation from DiL but it's likely she could have made up many lies about us that we cannot defend as we don't know what they are)

You did your best at the time. If anything was wrong your ds should have said. There isn't much you can if you dont communicate with each other. It does sound as if things were not as Dil expected, but that's not your fault, you don't know what Son said to her. I too would be worried, but there is nothing you can do but send letters and cards etc and hope they reciprocate. Meanwhile, enjoy having your house back and try not to stress, they will either sort it out or not but no couple or person for that matter wants advice unless they ask for it and that's a minefield as well. Good luck.