Warring parents...

I am wondering if there is any way you can involve someone else in looking after the three children on the weekends to relieve the work for you? A nanny sounds expensive, but what about a local babysitter? In my area teenagers at the college studying for child care qualifications are very keen to pick up pocket money and gain experience. They could come round to your house and play with the children and help out with their care with you or SS keeping an eye on them. I had a brilliant girl do this for me when mine were small and I had to work from home on Saturdays. The kids loved her, she didnt charge much and I was there to make sure nothing went wrong. I know it doesnt solve all the other issues, but it might be a good stop gap and allow you to continue to see GC without getting exhausted.

My son and his partner split years ago .They didn't go down the legal road and managed to sort out access between them but it amounts to him and us having her 7 out of every 14 days .On the days he works we look after her ,do the school run and clubs etc
.I have to say if your SS is reneging on times stipulated by a court I would be angry too ,his ex has all the responsibility of bringing up HIS children .
He needs sorted out ,if his accident was so bad that he couldn't look after them he should have spoken to social services about alternative arrangements until he was well.BUT you cant use "he's not well" as an excuse for dumping his kids on you all the time, however happy you are to have them.2 days a fortnight isn't good enough

Awful situation - the children must be so confused - and I would think upset by the situation. I agree with above post - if you can afford it - or get SS to pay - for an afterschool club for the children on Wednesday it would help. How about a letter to both your ex DIL and SS telling them of your concerns about the impact of their relationship on their children, and how this will escalate if they be civil to you and each other. You can stress how fond you are of the children and how worried you are about the impact of the situation on them. Unfortunately this is a fairly common situation and your SS needs to grow up and take responsibility for the children - make sure that you are not always available.

It is really bad to breach a Court Order, so by not having them on Wednesdays, whatever the reason, your stepson is laying himself open to a fine, or at worst, a prison sentence.

Is it your stepson's ex who is insisting on supervised contact, or was it part of the Court Order that he is supervised - and if so, does it specifically state that you and your husband are to supervise?

What was the reason for contact being supervised? Sorry to ask - but was it down to drugs or alcohol (mis)use?

Have you/stepson ever had the children after school on a Wednesday? If not, and it was part of the Court Order, why not? If it wasn't possible for you/stepson to have them, why agree to those terms?

Is it overnight contact on Wednesdays, or just for the evening? Obviously, you've not given all the details of your home life in the short posts so far, but why is it not possible for you/stepson to have them on afternoon after school each week?

I'm sorry your stepson is unwell, but there are many very disabled parents who just have to get on with bringing up their children full time. How bad is he that he can't even sit and watch a movie with them, or play a board game, or watch/help them do crafts, or just talk to them?

If all this is too much for him, then I'd suggest he goes back to Court and requests a review of the Child Arrangement Order to see if they can reach an agreement on what contact he does want. Because to be honest, is sounds like he doesn't want them at all at the moment, which must be confusing and upsetting for the children. And THEY are what's important right now.

As some of you have commented it is quite complex and I appreciate that some of my remarks may appear contradictory. The Court Order doesn’t specify supervised contact, Social Services were involved and the children were on the Child Protection register in relation to both parents being inadequate. They have now stepped back and the children are no longer on the register. My Stepson presents no threat to the children but he does need to up his game. He sustained life changing injuries two years ago and I think he is struggling to come to terms with the limitations. I am not making excuses for him, we have said for a long time that we will put the children first on every occasion. It worries me now that his ex will do what she did before and prevent him and us having any contact for five months. I think I just needed to vent really and not feel so alone. Thank you

Ex-DiL is trying to get SS to meet the requirements of the Court Order.
He and you need to figure out how that can be done, instead of moaning and arguing about it.

It is really bad to breach a Court Order, so by not having them on Wednesdays, whatever the reason, your stepson is laying himself open to a fine, or at worst, a prison sentence.

Unfortunately this isn’t true. You can’t make a man be a decent human.
If he is failing his duties and his children there is nothing anyone can do.
The only enforceable part of parenting for the NRP is the child payments.....which I doubt she’s even getting.

Bibbity& - a google search shows that it is true.

"The Court can impose a community service order, requiring the parent in breach of the child arrangement order to undertake up to 200 hours of community service. The Court can fine to the parent in breach. The Court can impose a short prison sentence on the parent in breach."

The same information is on every returned page I looked at.

Yes. That’s if the parent does not return the child. If a mother refuses to hand over the child.

It does not enforce a NRP to take up time.

Mamma66 I have sent you a message

Reading your second post it does seem as if you are Slightly more inclined to blame the mother more than your SS, for the current situation. However I can’t understand why he agreed to the existing level of contact (or indeed pushed for it if he took his ex to court!) when he had these life changing disabilities and has been struggling to cope?
I think you need to sit down with him and find out exactly what he wants regarding a relationship with his children and try to work out a level of contact that he can cope with and that will be in the best interests of the children. The children need above all consistency and stability so, better it be less frequent, but quality time together, than disinterested and uninvolved parenting. He needs to understand that he is at risk of loosing all contact if he doesn’t pull his socks up. Maybe suggest seeing if you can involve a mediator to find a compromise for both ex and SS which could then be taken back to court for a revised child arrangements order?

If there is a risk that you'd lost contact with the children completely because of this, can't you agree to have them on Wednesdays ? I have mine every day and have done that for 5 years - I'm not trying to sound like a martyr, but if you love the children you do what you have to . They only have one chance at being children - if you don't have them, things could get really bad.

I dont understand why you think 2 days a fortnight is enough time with their dad...and think their mother is being unreasonable asking he sticks with the court order.They ARE his too so why should the mother look after them12 days to his 2?
I think she should be getting some back up from you ,no wonder she cant work 3 small children and a useless ex.

Mamma66 There are so many grandparents these days in similar positions due to family break ups. I too am one of them and maybe as stella1949 points out we take the role of 'martyrs' to protect the children and give them a point of stability in their lives. Difficult though it is we try to do our best and I believe as DGC get older they will recognise this and appreciate our efforts. Having read so many sad posts about those who have not had contact with DGC through no fault of their own, at least we will have our happy memories. I am hoping that you can hang on in there and that eventually the great job you are doing will result in the rewards you deserve.

Thank you for explaining further, Mamma66.

"He sustained life changing injuries two years ago and I think he is struggling to come to terms with the limitations. "

IMO, you are probably right. And this probably impacts his ability to care for and interest in spending time w/ the children. Perhaps this is why XDIL wants his visitation supervised? B/c she's not sure he can cope, physically or emotionally?

"My Stepson presents no threat to the children but he does need to up his game."

I believe you. But is he truly able to "step up his game?" Either physically or psychologically? Also, while he may not be a threat to the children in the sense of hurting them, etc., IF he's self-absorbed, inattentive, or tends to be a little irresponsible when he's w/ them, that may be why XDIL wants his visits supervised. (IDK that these things are true, I'm just saying IF). After all - and I hope this doesn't sound insensitive - I take it that SS' parenting is now considered "adequate" (and probably more) b/c he has good, caring, responsible people/you and DH taking care of the kids when they're w/ him, not b/c he, himself, does a good job.

If the children were on the CPR they would have had a social worker -if you had a good relationship with them they might be able to give advice or help - but only involve them If you cannot cope

if you love the children you do what you have to

End the squabbling by saying the children can come on Wednesdays.
Then make sure SS at least stays around to help you, or pays for someone to do so.

You say you'll always put the children first, so do it.