Ungrateful daughter

If your daughter has brought trouble to your door since she was 15 and you are now some way down the line from there, maybe you over-supported her as a teenager and she simply has no sense of personal responsibility. I know it's hard to cut your children and especially grandchildren off but the inevitable outcome of your continuation of this level of support is that you and hubby will die and daughter will be left with no inner resources to fall back on so what you are doing at the moment is fighting a fire and not getting to the root cause. Like others I suggest you withdraw some of your financial support - make life harder for her so that she has to look elsewhere for money and be accountable to the organisation that provides it.

The op’s over-the-top reaction to peoples’ views says a lot! Is everyone just supposed to feel sorry for you op and slate your daughter?! I think you should show a bit more compassion towards her. How do you know it’s her own fault her marriage ended? Bit harsh. It’s hard looking after kids on your own. If you have that attitude towards her no wonder she is like she is with you. Your daughter needs your help. I think Paddy touched a nerve!

Yes tough love is the way forward and Bluebell has given you some good advice. Toughen up but be calm.

Goodgran you don't have to go from one extreme to the other. You are giving her a lot and doing a lot for her. You could give her less and do less, rather than dumping her altogether. Of course, like with my son, that might mean she dumps you, but at least it won't be your fault like it would if you did the dumping, so you won't have a nagging guilt feeling to live with. I hope you have other children. I fortunately still have my nice daughter.

Sorry if i sound unkind, but i have no idea why you are putting money into a bottomless pit. Her expenses/responsibilities are not your problem. Is she not getting child support from the husband? Why don't you and your husband go on a lovely long 1 month cruise - and enjoy your years instead of feeling you owe her what you give her.

Hi Goodgran...I know you love your daughter and her children. And you do not owe her anything. She is an adult. Her behaviour sounds like bullying to me. Clearly she has problems but she must address those, not dump on you. I'd also wonder how she behaves towards her children, if she has such a short fuse It's a tough challenge you face and you've been brave to share it here. Wish you light at the end of the tunnel.

You write she has an air of entitlement but you should be entitled to some peace.
She sounds permanently angry. Maybe she's too reliant on yous and she hasn't matured in ways. I mean paying for her phone I did that when my daughter was a teen.
She's needs to stand on her two feet and grow. Otherwise these pattern will continue. Does she treat everyone like this?

Goodness! I really feel for you. It is so much easier to fix a problem if it isn't directly ours.

Common sense says to stop financial support. If you sell your property to up your savings,, she will waltz her way through that and then where will YOU be?! She must learn to be less dependent - she will have to cope someday.

If you are both unfit, I would also say that you cannot have the children ass much. Easy to say, I know ………………..

you should not have given her money. as she will expect it next time too.debt counselling is availible .like C.A.P (no you dont have to be religious).they contact d
creditor and work out a programme that is acceptable to all.. they cant demand anymore money unless you go through C.A.P.it must be awful having three children and having to work.maybe a sit down talk instead of shouting at each other. (hope you was not shouting in front of children)she has to learn to manage her money.....and treat you with respect...so no more money....

I feel for you goodgran, and I also agree that some of the responses are harsh. I have had problems with 2 of my children and it is difficult to know what to do for the best. I have closed the bank of mum now though. I do understand your dilemma and sympathise...it is totally exhausting x

Hello goodgran. I'm no professional, but I have been badly hurt by derogatory and destructive words and actions by an Adult Son, despite my having shown him nothing but love and support, so I thought. I found that understanding him has brought me the most calm. You might find this youtube video useful. I did.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rF2k_7eplJg

The strong message is "Protect Yourself".

It can be difficult to cope financially as a single mother of three children and it is very easy to say that she should be able to.
I think that you need to try to take the emotion out of it and I do agree with PaddyAnn that your dislike of her (which you have admitted) is something that she will be aware of.
Try to talk to her in a calm environment, say that you are finding things difficult financially and ask if she is claiming working tax credits and if she has checked all that she is entitled to because you won't be able to continue to pay for her car and phone much longer. She probably won't react well but people don't when they realise that they have a problem to deal with and you should try not to take it personally. Also try to make it the end of the conversation but in a kind way.
I do think that you should consider whether you treated your children differently when they were younger and whether there wasn't a reason for her anger as a teenager. As the least favoured child of the family, I have some sympathy for her. I am sure you feel that you didn't show it, my mother will admit my father's favouritism but not her own, but she would know.

“She has an air of entitlement and is very touchy”

Been there. I finally walked away from mine just over a year ago. I reached a point where I had to put my own mental health and peace of mind first. It’s difficult for you when you have a strong relationship with grandchildren (mine had a young baby, who I am very sad not to see, but I had only seen him once, due to geographical distance). Only you can decide the best way forward, but I recommend clear and solid boundaries.

I can empathise somewhat here as my DD is difficult where my 2 sons are easier to interact here. Whilst my sons have problems that are easily resolved with emotional and practical (not necessarily financial) support, my DD's are always insurmountable and, if I am honest, made worse by her intransigence. As much as I love her it can be very frustrating to try to help her and I also have felt on many occasion that she is ungrateful. However, I have also realised that sometimes she also needs somebody to vent to and, as somebody she trusts the most, I get the verbal beating she'd like to give the rest of the world. It can be very wearing especially when I'm in pain, tired, etc.
I have found a couple of things helpful. I make it a rule to try not to compare her to her brothers. For whatever reason she finds life far more difficult. She cannot help her nature and she doesn't need me to tell her that she isn't easy.
I don't assist her financially. I might turn up with the occasional item I think she might find helpful or take her out for a meal but I will not be party to an excessive life style she cannot afford. Her idea of essentials is very different from mine! This had major repercussions but she has learned from them and for the first time ever this year, she actually got her tax credits return in the post before I had time to remind her.
I avoid arguing with her. If she gets into that circular argument of arguing about problems that CAN'T POSSIBLY be resolved (even though there are some very reasonable solutions) I stop it in its tracks by telling her I will give her some thought and get back to her. I've learned to bite my tongue (it's much shorter now!) and temper disagreements with, "I'd rather not fall out with you," or "Shall we talk about this later?" rather than entering into a shouting match. I've found that taking things down a notch or two keeps her calmer and I get more satisfaction from our transactions.
I found the following book really helpful. I'm not sure my daughter has BPD but this book gave me some useful strategies for dealing with some of the situations I found myself in with my DD.
Oh, and I've learned that no matter how much I try to show her I love her, it is never enough. She doesn't love or like herself much so she can't ever believe I could possibly love her. I can only do what I can comfortably.

Stop giving. You know my mum used to have a saying which is so true - 'the worse you treat a person the better he treats you'. She showed me examples of this with the many friends, family and neighbours. You are giving too much so ease of on the giving. You can do it so she won't even notice. Start saying more 'nos' than yes's'. She is treating you very badly, as above on in reverse. You are being kind and generous, she is being no so kind and generous.

You certainly can walk away. No-one is holding a gun to your head and making you hand over £11k to pay her debts, fund her phone and manage various other aspects of her life.
You are (IMV) 'using' the excuse of doing it for or because of your GC.
Tough love is what's needed but, as you've known about her behaviour for virtually 20 years and nothing has changed, why expect it to change now when you are still doing the same old same old?
If you do the same things you can expect the same outcome.
It's you who needs a change of attitude in order to make her face facts. Sad...but true.

Any sit down talk best in cafe or pub, neutral territory means it's 2 adults, not mum and daughter. Have done it and it's effective.8

An awful situation for you to be in, particularly with children involved. Difficult for anyone who has not been in your situation, to give advice. Ive known someone in a similar situation and the problem seems to be an attitude that everything has to resolve round them. There's no reasoning with them and heaven help if someone doesn't jump to their tune. Ive often wondered where the line can be drawn between someone just being totally self absorbed and irresponsible and them having mental health issues. I dont have any answers i'm afraid. All I can say is that I think you have to take a step back and put yourself first. Difficult though it may be to withdraw your support, it may hopefully make her take stock. I wish you luck.

Bringing up three children on her own must be very hard and I can see why you run a car for her and pay for the phone.
She may feel angry and resentful that she has to rely on you both so much and that's why she goes into defensive mode and gets angry with you.
Our children forget we are getting older and not in such good health,or they would rather think we love having the kids all the time and helping out,we do in general love to be needed.
If you
Instead of giving her any more money why not pay for the younger ones to go to a nursery for some of time they would be with you, then maybe you can enjoy the time you do spend with them?
Also,perhaps I shouldn't say it but some women Do get PMS and maybe hers has got worse if she's not eating well since her husband left?
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Hmm - apologies if this idea is off whack, but I’ve a friend whose daughter behaved very similarly. Poor financial management (Mum kept subbing her..) despite an apparently reasonable income; difficult relationship since her teens; volatility; using the children as a playing piece and my friend spending money on them to ensure they had opportunities for self development in their lives. It eventually (after many, many years and following her daughter having a major accident which required hospitalisation and left her with intellectual and physical disabilities) transpired that the daughter had had a long term drug addiction problem. My friend genuinely had no idea at all that this was the major cause of her daughter’s dreadful behaviour towards her.

Very good post ianhandthemback ! ?

Mmmm goodgran it is probably why you have not been on here awhile with some of the responses you have had. Remind me never to ask for advice!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keep your lip buttoned. Be kind and loving towards her and the children. Cut down on the funding. 'Sorry darling, I'm running a bit short this month'

Sounds like your daughter has a giant chip on her shoulder and is taking it out on you, no matter how loving and caring you have been and I am sure you have. Being treated in the way you are is just so hurtful. My dd doesn't have the problems of yours but she can really spout off at her sister, my husband and myself and leave us feeling dreadful. She doesn't seem to do it to anyone else. Then she will be all sweetness but it's like walking on eggshells. She has been so rude to me over the years without reason and made such horrible accusations that I have shed buckets of tears. So I hope I know a bit where you are coming from especially when gc are involved.
I am not quite sure how you get out of this. You can feel like withdrawing all support but because others will suffer you haven't and maybe never will. However, you can't continue as you are. Can you all sit down together and have a good heart to heart talk? She needs to understand that she is no longer a child and the time is coming when you will need her support not the other way round. Jaw jaw not war war and maybe you can work out something between you but there does need to be respect.