Adult child living at home

Apologies, I didn't realize your GC is a son, not a daughter.

Your daughter got a very rough deal in her young life. It's possible she may even be suffering the effects of PTSD. Whatever the cause may be, it's obvious that your daughter's mental health has been affected and she needs a lot of help.

Her eating disorder, her lack of motivation and her sleeping until noon, speaks louder than any words. She's giving up on her life and gradually leaving it up to you to take over. You are clearly a wonderful mother but this situation may be way over your head. Why? Because you don't have all the necessary resources to give her the kind of help that she really needs.

To begin with, she needs to see a good therapist that can treat her eating disorder and her depression. Next, she will have to get some skills training so she can get a living wage job.

Once she's happier, she'll be more productive. She'll probably be more willing to help around the house and take more care of her daughter. She'll also be able to go back to school, find a decent job and ultimately find her much needed independence.

This may all seem daunting, but you will be surprised how one step at a time gets you farther than you think. Start by getting her to a good doctor.

Wishing you all the best.

Using your credit cards is fraud. If your bank(s) found out it could affect your credit rating. Others on here have covered the other points far better than I could.

The ball is in your court.
Do you really want to be held to ransom over your GC?
Get a grip and give her a moving date say...2 months ahead and don't waver in your resolve.

It's totally your fault regarding the credit cards.
Why allow anyone the means to use them?
Did she go in your purse and steal them?
Do you leave them lying around?
I can't understand how you could be so irresponsible.
I won't go on. My bet is that it will continue because you'll cite your daughter's threats re contact with your GC.
I think you've made up your mind and whatever we say, even sensible resolutions will be overridden because of the threat.
If you are ok with being held over a barrel...go ahead, good luck.
She's got you.

It seems to me that your daughter has depression. Maybe you could both see your GP who could make some referrals for your daughter.
People with depression have no motivation, no interest in anything, dread, anxiety and yes, just want to stay in bed. Your daughter needs help.
She needs to apply for benefits for herself and your grandson. Get advice via Citizens Advice or DWP will post the necessary forms for you daughter to complete.
I don't know all of the information but I know a grandparent can claim something if they look after a grandchild, no restrictions on the hours or days involved. With your daughter being at home I don't know if this would apply to you but worth asking.
In the meantime, if it were me, I would keep your credit cards where only you know where they are. I guess you've heard of 'retail therapy'. Some depressed or anxious people feel the need to keep buying which gives them 'a lift'
I agree that giving your daughter some jobs to do around the house would help occupy her mind but she seems to be in a rather deep depression with the classic symptoms of just can't be bothered and interested in nothing.
Remember, it take two to make an argument, state your case, be firm and walk away.
Good luck.

It does sound like she has low self esteem and a don’t care attitude. The problem with being a parent is you love your children and they know that they have to kick really hard to knock you down and give up on them. I remember when my daughter going through her teens was awful at times and treated me with disrespect and she was a lovely child before this. I was so upset on one occasion and asked why she was so horrible to me and she said I have to keep smiling at everyone all day being nice and you are my mum a sounding board. I told her she is hurting the only person in the world who would fight her corner and will not take any more. It was hard but I told her to live with her dad which she didn’t want and things improved a bit. The reason I am saying this is that we allow ourselves to be treated badly. She needs counselling for her self esteem or she could very easily fall into the same kind of relationship she had before as she is vulnerable.

This is a common problem and takes a clear strategy to exit the adult from your home. I would suggest you research on the internet, get advice from the CAB and when you are ready with a plan talk it over with the social services help line.
www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/

Whilst you are doing this you should ;make sure that your daughter visits the GP she must be depressed, and you help her find worth while things she would like to do in the community. think of every interest she has ever had and see if you can build participation in a relevant activity. Also is she receiving benefits. If not you need to help her get registered etc.

This is a difficult problem but in the long run better that it is addressed with care and concern for evy one's well being. Being independent as a mother is normal development which needs to happen.
When you have a plan you need to have your husband on baord with you.

Make sure that she has food and a roof but give her nothing else. Hide all cards - don’t let her access to any of your money at all. Don’t buy her clothes or sanitary products.
Your Grandson will be at school soon and then you can start to make some changes - when he’s not there to witness the fall out. He should get free nursery time now - why not arrange that yourself if she won’t?

I'm afraid you have enabled all this behaviour so you have to take some of the blame for your lazy, ungrateful daughter. Change the pin number on your credit card or hide it thoroughly or keep it on your person at all times). Stop making her meals, doing all their washing, being a servant to her, go out in the morning so she has to attend to her own child and leave a list of jobs she has to complete during the day. If things don't improve, give her notice to leave and she will have to tell the council she is being made homeless.

Has we only have the O/P side is it fair to condemn the daughter as a manipulator, lazy, an abuser ?

Not a lot to add that others haven't already said. Your daughter may well have depression or mental health problems associated with her eating disorder or the nasty aftertaste of an abusive relationship, in which case she needs to see the GP and take it from there if she requires further help or counselling. That said, it does not give her grounds to be rude and lazy or to steal from you - saying she has "used our credit cards without permission" is stealing. Possibly stemming from her time in the bad relationship she has learned the art of emotional blackmail, to be manipulative and how to make effective threats in order to get your own way. Your daughter uses you as an unpaid childminder/babysitter then uses your grandson as an emotional stick to beat you with. She is obviously aware of the best ways to hurt you, to emotionally punch you where it hurts most; almost sounds like a classic case of the abused becoming an abuser and I think this needs to be addressed now before things get any worse. As primary carer for your grandson you would have grounds to fight for sole or shared custody if your daughter forces the issue, or you reach a stage where you feel you have no choice but to ask her to leave (this doesn't automatically mean your grandson has to leave too). Your daughter may well need help but she also needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her child. And you need to take some time out to seriously think about what you want to do - carry on the way things are or make some changes. If you are financially supporting your daughter she needs to claim benefits or get a job (or both if she could get a job, even on a low wage, and get benefit top-ups of some kind). This is obviously having an effect on you and sounds like you could become depressed yourself if nothing changes. Perhaps your daughter needs a reality check in addition to the GP & job centre visits! If your daughter refuses to get help, make changes, pull her weight, be civil, look after her son, get a job etc then you have to put your grandson's needs first - if his mother won't! Call her bluff and tell her if she elects to move out that's her choice but until she can prove she will properly care for her son he will be staying with you. I feel for you as your daughter has put you in a horrible position and ensured any decisions you make will be hard ones. I hope you can find a way to maintain a relationship with her, get her to see you only want what is best for her and your grandson etc - good luck

She could be depressed, but sleeping late can also be (and often is) simply a habit established by those who have no structure (a job) in their lives. From the kindness if your heart, you are enabling this. Your marriage should come first and, you say, it is suffering (“at rock bottom”) as a direct consequence situation. If you insist she moves out, no doubt she will have a self-entitled tantrum (I have one of those daughter’s too), but she is used to physical comfort and being indulged. It’s a big, uncomfortable leap from that to homelessness. If you are serious, and stand your grown, preferably together with your husband. She will have no choice but to cooperate with moving into independent accommodation. The threat of homelessness is just manipulation. Given that she is used to having lots of time to herself due to you caring for your grandson, I doubt she will want to give that up. So I doubt that she will prevent you from spending time with him (another likely threat).

Is she claiming benefits or are you supporting them?

Take legal advice about seeking a special guardianship order for your grandson. This secures your position and you share parental responsibility with your daughter but you have the main say in what happens. This means he can stay with you even if she leaves.
If later her lifestyle changes and she is able to care for her son alone then the order can be revoked.
Im sure you dont want your grandson in care but its unlikely social services would consider this if you are willing to care for him.
It sounds as if your daughter needs help. Perhaps a visit to the GP ?

I empathise with you living in this difficult situation. It must be difficult to know where to start. It sounds as if your daughter has many health problems that she needs help with before she is ready to live independently and take care of her child.
It is so hard to help an adult child because unless they give permission for medical professionals to discuss their condition with you then you feel so powerless.
A start might be a chat with your mental health nurse at your G.P.'s to ask for any suggestions as to how to go forward.
Not easy for you.

I'm thinking she may have some degree of depression/low mood - often go hand in hand with eating disorders. If she is not already having professional help for this; it's really important that she does so - for all your sakes. I would never condone rudeness, laziness etc, ect but eating disorders are complex and awful illnesses - for both the sufferer and the family.

She was in an abusive controlling relationship, has an eating disorder, her self esteem could be at rock bottom, she needs help not lectures on ‘pull yourself together ‘

Was she the same when with her partner- staying in bed until mid day etc? If not the would suspect your DD is depressed and to a fair degree. Try to get her to a GP explaining to her she really needs to take an active part in life especially her son's. Using the lots of folk manage on their own probably won't work uf depression is the case, she will see herself as even more useless. Awful situation to be in but I feel you need to tread gently and get her medical help.

I have had similar situations with both daughters and my advice would always be to compromise.
There have to be ground rules so sit down like the adults you both are and set some that suit you both, as much as is possible, with the proviso that if they don’t work you can rethink. It’s difficult for everyone particularly your little grandson and he has to be the priority here.
I would explain to your daughter that this current behaviour of her ‘being a child again’ must now end and she has to accept responsibility for herself and her child and that you will help her all the way but not by being forced to take over.
If she’s feeling overwhelmed then the thought of mum and dad supporting her by attending appointments with her etc will help a lot!
As others have suggested, she really needs to see a doctor to see what help she/he can give.
Yes, it will be hard but it’s hard now isn’t it? Little steps. At least by compromising and setting a few rules that you can all live by you’re working towards a better living situation for the whole family.
One more thing I would suggest that helped us, is that you go for coffee or lunch together now and then just to remind yourselves of the non-domestic part of your mum and daughter relationship.
All the best! X

What an awful situation for you, OP. Definitely take a tough love approach with your daughter.... but in your position, I’d stand up to her threats to take the little boy and tell her in no uncertain terms if she goes, she’s not taking the child until she’s proved she’s capable of looking after him properly. He stays with you. I know it’s harder work for you that way, but you’re doing it all anyway by the sound of it, and apart from how dreadful it would be for him to leave his stable home, you wouldn’t rest for a minute, worrying about what’s happening to him, alone with a mother who’s yet to live up to being one.

It seems to me as if you and your daughter have an adult to child relationship, rather than adult to adult. Understandable, but it needs to change if she is to stop behaving like a stroppy teenager and start to be the adult she actually is now. Perhaps it would work if you viewed your living arrangement as a house share. Lots of young people house share now. When my son was sharing, the house mates all sat down together at the beginning of the tenancy and mutually agreed a list of household tasks that needed doing. They made a list and discussed who wanted to do what. The list was then stuck to the fridge each week and the person responsible ticked off their jobs as they were done. In your case it wont so much be getting the jobs done, but more treating your daughter as if she is a fully functioning adult capable of decision making and carrying out tasks off her own bat. If you are financially supporting her then rather than her using your credit cards she would be better with a weekly allowance paid on a set day and then not topped up if she runs out. That will encourage her to manage her own money. Easy to say I know and difficult to do, but I do feel she needs to get some self respect from behaving responsibly, which hopefully would make her less vunerable to abusive relationships with partners in the future.

If your daughter did storm off with your grandson I would imagine kinship care would be the first consideration by social services especially as your GS knows you better than his own mother.

Perhaps taking one dysfunctional aspect at a time would be better as someone suggested on another thread, rather than trying to undo several years of trauma etc in a short amount of time. Definitely would agree you need to give her a timeline and tell her you will contact the child protection team for professional help.

Also talk to her when your GS isn’t going to hear cruel comments about not being wanted and what a rat his father is. Very hard to grow up unloved and unwanted.

What Purplepoppies said.
It won’t be easy but I think tough love is the only way. I don’t want to be cruel but you’re not really helping her by giving in to her. She will have to stand on her own two feet sometime, better now when you’re around to catch her when she trips!

Agree with Monica you cant go on like this.

Well this sounds very tricky. Your daughter is blackmailing you because you have enabled her childlike behaviour.
In your situation I would wake her every morning as soon as your grandchild wakes. Tell her that you're no longer taking a parental role. And when you leave for work leave a list of chores you expect to be done. Every single day!! If your daughter is ever going to be an adult she has to behave like one.
I agree that she may well need a GP appt.
Is she attending any therapy for her eating disorder??