Adult child living at home

I feel sorry for you what a awful situation, she sounds as if depressed but to max out your credit cards on top of everything else. Poor child too, I think if I was in that situation I’d try and talk to her and get her to go along to drs for check up in case of depression, if not depressed then she’s just playing you I’m afraid, it must have affected her being in a controlled realationship. But I feel you are being controlled by her now , you both deserve to get your lives on track and so does the poor child in the middle

Is your daughter having medical support for her eating disorder?

I agree about the tough love bit -absolutely yes. If I contacted Social Services though it would be to agree with them that any plan to evict her would result in my grandson staying with me - most definitely not going into the care system. I could never stand by and watch that happen, especially at such a tender age. You're his safety net, which is good for him. I feel so sorry for you in this awful predicament

The young woman sounds depressed. Don't " show her the door " as it won't help in any way. Some people are able to bounce back when they've got rid of their abuser but with others like your daughter it takes longer.

Saying that, it takes a long time for the mental state to adjust after having been controlled for any length of time so you're going to have to be patient, difficult as it is because you're dealing with someone who's been mentally traumatised and who needs the appropriate help concerning this.

One thing I would encourage, or even demand of her, is to see a GP.

I agree with MOnica stop enabling your daughter to behave like this. Tough love, maybe a Drs appt to help with her low mood.
It's not going to be easy and I understand you are worried about your grandson but this situation is not good for him either.

I am afraid tough love is called for here. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her that she has three months to get herself a job and a flat and sort out care for her son.

If after 2 months she has done nothing speak to social services and make it plain that she has made it impossible for her to continue living with you and that she needs to be out of your house within a month and that you will then change the locks when she leaves. In the meanwhile do not give her any money for anything, do no washing or ironing for her. You could leave her to sort her own meals out, while catering for your grandson.

Explain that her behaviour and refusal to act or discuss matters makes it impossible for you to work out a satisfactory solution with her and that eveiction is your only resource.

If all else fails the boy will be taken into care until your daughter sorts her life out.

Not an easy solution, you have my sympathy.

It sounds like there is a lot going on. She is either lazy or depressed, or both. And you and your DH have enabled her to be a child again.

Either way, it’s time for her to step up. You should sit down with the and create a plan. Get a job, save money, a timeline with deadlines to meet. Harms not capable/doesn’t want to/doesn’t no how to adult on her own. You will have to teach her. But if you don’t she won’t go anywhere.

She won’t like it. But hold her to it. She will need consequences (like a child) for not doing what she’s supposed to.

Don’t pay for any “fun” things for her. Wake her up to watch her own child, agree she has to apply for 5 jobs a day, go on 2 interviews a week, etc.

She needs work experience, anything will do.

She will kick, scream, threaten. But I doubt she will actually do anything. You make her life too easy. She won’t take her son and leave (yet). She’s pampered at home, it would be too hard to just leave.

Hopefully by the time she is able to move out (good job, aparement, day care set up, she has learned what you did was out of love and you have a good relationship.

But it’s time for tough love. Don’t let her hold her son over your head. Should she move out and choose to sleep on the street (she won’t) I’m sure he would end up back at your home.

Stand firm with her.

sorry, just realised the child is a boy

Your daughter is either depressed or bone idle. Tell her to either see a doctor, if it is depression, or get a job/help around the house/be a mother to her child.

I certainly would make sure she gets out of bed at a reasonable time and sees to her daughter.

is she depressed ? Not wanting to get up in the morning or do anything once she is up knd of points to depression.See if she'll visit her GP for some help

I'm sure your daughter is capable of working and living in a place of her own.
Why wouldn't she be?