Adult child living at home

You are replying to a post that was first posted in August 2019
I doubt if the lady is still reading.

I meant whilst with OP he is safe.

I agree with what has been said about possible depression, if that may be the case she must get help from the GP. She has to understand that her child is her responsibility and lying in bed until midday isn’t acceptable. I worry that if OP kicks her out she will continue to behave like this, with possibly tragic consequences for the child. At least whilst OP he is safe. The GP needs to be the first port of call, but I also question what the daughter has maxed out the credit cards with, OP will be getting the statements so will know. Is she gambling online? Is she getting cash out? Sorry to suggest this, but could she be buying drugs?

If you allow her to behave like this she will.
Talk to her about being a good role for her child and help her through the door. Work out a financial plan for her to pay you back. Perhaps she has always been this type of character and you didn't see it.

as we only have the O/P side is it fair to condemn the daughter as a manipulator, lazy, an abuser

Not fair to label, but reasonable to raise as a possibility for the OP to consider in deciding a way forward.

Where does your daughter's income come from? She must be assessed, surely, and I wonder why she is not regarded as a jobseeker. Perhaps CAB can provide information about her position, because as long as you provide a home and free childcare she is going to continue evading her responsibilities.

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This is eerily similar to my situation. My daughter is 19 and my grandson is 6 months old. They live with me and I'm supporting them financially for now.

Like others have posted, it sounds like your daughter might be depressed and lack self-confidence. (I see signs of it in my daughter as well. We have good days and bad days and I don't always know how to help.) Some great advice by other posters about taking things a step at a time. Motherhood is overwhelming for young mothers, and depression weighs them down further. But there's also a fine line you have to walk between supporting and enabling - I don't know where that line is yet myself. My main concern is my grandson's welfare.

I just noticed this thread is from August... I hope you are finding a way forward. Best wishes to you and your family.

I totally sympathize with you! I live the same situation, almost, except thankfully, there is no child involved. My 35-yr-old daughter is single and has never wanted children because of long-term depression. She is in an abusive (long distance) relationship and is managing to try to finish her college degree, thanks to anti-depressants and a stimulant that helps her stay on task. Other than that, she is unable to carry the responsibility for caring for herself. She's super intelligent intellectually, but lags big time emotionally.

I have felt at my rope's end too, and considered going into counseling to help me deal with the frustration and pain of seeing daughter distraught, suffering and inept. This is something you may have to consider to stay sane under such pressure, for yourself, and for your grandson's sake.
For now I am OK and find solace in the small things in life and in meditation and Mooji videos on Youtube

Good luck to you!

Just to say, it seems your daughter is actually under tremendous stress and putting things right is, to her, a real mountain to climb.
I would aim for small wins.
Encourage her to get up and join you in taking your grandchild somewhere interesting for one day..
Make it fun (not forced) and enjoyable and aim to repeat it the next week, doesn't have to be expensive.
Everything is way too overwhelming for her at the moment so inch it along.
Make each step forward, a repeated habit, a weekly outing.
Perhaps then add a weekly joint baking session (might not be your/her thing but whatever it is, repeat repeat so that she actually feels a little in control.
Love and time will win the day. Good luck x

Has she had any help with her eating disorder, lying in bed for long periods to avoid eating is a classic syptom of an eating disorder. Also spending money is a form of self medicating , she needs help and getting help needs to be a ground rule for her continuing to remain under your roof.
As for your grandchild , thank goodness he has you. Stay strong and get yourself some support. Good luck

Depression, wheeled out at every opportunity.
Why not consider that her mother has facilitated her being lazy and dependent?

She's taking her mother for granted and her mother has carried on doing what she has always done.

If you do that you will always get the same result.

No small steps.
She's an adult.

Tell the bank you have lost your cards and they will issue new ones within a few days. Before doing that, try if possible to get some cash for emergencies.

I agree with other posters about her being depressed and perhaps you could persuade her to see the doctor about treatment. I am sure that deep down she is appreciative about the help you are giving her and her little boy.

I feel your daughter is possibly depressed and suffering from trauma or even PTSD.

I feel you must get her help through the mental health services...some talking therapies or she must see her GP for help for anti depressants and mental health support.

The Shaw Trust are excellent and so is shelter. They will help get her on some benefits and work with her to get her life back together.

You have done the right thing to give her and her son a roof over their heads and continue to love her when she has been abusive..I feel this is all part of her current mental health illness that is obvious to me.

Trauma created by abuse can take years to heal and will need specialist treatment.

Ant depressants may well be a massive boost to her lack of confidence and anxiety.

Seek the right help together and you will both have your own homes and lives eventually and re establish a beautiful new relationship with eachother.

I think you are a wonderful and very caring mum and I admire you deeply for how you have stuck by your daughter.

Show her my reply if it helps and tell her she will feel well and happy again and to be gentle with herself and you.

A pin number isn't needed for spending online ReadyMeals

Yes I do hope icemaiden will come back Annie. We never stop worrying for our children no matter what age they are do we.
Sending positive thoughts your way. I've got every confidence in you.
I drop in at your thread every now and then.

Perhaps you should concentrate on encouraging her to get a job and allow her and your grandson to stay with you until she is better established.

Was she working before she had her child? Could she go back to that type of work or if not is there another job she could do?

Even a part-time job would be better than allowing her to vegetate in the way she is doing at your expense.

Didn’t think of those sharon perhaps icemaiden will explain when she replies to the posts

My heart goes out to you.
To stop her using your credit cards, get new ones with new numbers and a small safe which she can't access.
Get her to see a doctor with you there if you can and the you can tell him the problems she's having.
It would be hard for you to throw her out and she knows that. You don't say how old she is or if she had a job before her son was born?
Does she have special needs?
Once your grandson starts school she may get a bit better, I hope so for all your sakes.
She's getting angry when you confront her because she knows she's in the wrong. Maybe try and turn it around and say that you yourself and her dad need help,you're feeling ill (but not tell her a lot of it is down to her) and see if she can step up. Bit.
I wish you loads of luck.x

Why are you leaving your credit card lying around or telling her the pin number when you know she uses it without your permission?

Online gambling is rife Annie.Bingo etc. Running up high mobile phone calls maybe.

Oh dear. There is only one person that you can change here, and it's you. Put your own boundaries in place. Look after yourself and your own sanity. Do NOTHING for her except take her window shopping or for a coffee. You can't change her, she's got to want to do it for herself. Get yourself a safe or lock for your room door. Change your password on your phone, your computer; change your pin numbers- why on earth didn't you do it before she maxed out your accounts? Look after yourself, then you'll be there, able to listen and support. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Good question MissAdventure, it can’t be for household bills, surely not clothes, one shopping spree would be noticed

Firstly you all have my sympathy.
Secondly, can you and DH sit down with her and make a plan for their future. What does she want for their future? She has to lead. Would it help to have a prospectus handy for each Further Education college that she could get to, for her to flick through? It's that time of the year. If not, some kind of work experience ie working for no pay - it doesn't appeal to many. She writes a cv and sends it to all the appropriate firms in the accessible area.
Good luck to all of you x

I wonder how the daughter finds the 'get up and go' to spend all of the op's money, if she is so depressed?
What is she spending it on?