emotional intelligence in children

Thank you - will give it a try!

Any of Julia Donaldson’s books are lovely. My grandson was read these from about the age of 2 until he was about 5. It was lovely to hear him joining in with favourite words that he remembered because we read them so often. Another lovely book is ‘We’re going on a bear hunt’. Have fun reading.

My eldest son, now 40, could easily have been described as emotionally inept at playgroup. He never made friends at school and it would have been too cruel to hold birthday parties for him. There were no diagnoses in those days, and my heart was always in my mouth as I raised him. He grew up very intelligent and mathematical, content to watch life from the sidelines. Eventually he moved into management roles where he was popular and considered helpful and patient. A girl from halfway around the world persevered with him, he moved to her country, was absorbed into her family and quickly learned her culture and customs before marrying her. In his thirties, he attained a level of maturity that I would have thought impossible. We don't hear much from him - I think that his personality means he can only handle one family at once - but I am glad to leave him be if he is happy.

Matelda,wise,

I don't think three is too early to be diagnosed. Our grandson was diagnosed by then and to family members it was obvious just after age two. The diagnosis has helped him receive support at school although there are still many issues. Although I haven't answered your query if you personal message me I will explain some of the things that made us realise he was developing differently from other children. I am not technologically savvy!!

I work in a children's nursery ( I am a qualified teacher) and can usually spot those children who will later probably be diagnosed as being somewhere on the autistic spectrum very early on; certainly before the age of 3. Also, I can identify the ones who will excel at something.

Pointing out certain things to look out for ( whether it's challenging behaviour or a special talent) to the parents and advising them with how to nurture the child is not a bad thing.

One child I taught was talent spotted by a football coach at primary school and may be destined for a professional career and another has just won a prestigious maths scholarship at secondary school. I identified both of these children at age 2 as having these special gifts.

www.autismeye.com/pans-pandas-misdiagnosed-autism/

This may be totally irrelevant, but I read an interesting article on autism misdiagnosis today

I work with special needs teenagers as a Learning Support Assistant and during my various employments have done training courses about autism. The first time I did one I spent the whole day recognising traits that my own son had. I realised he was 'on the spectrum', probably with Aspergers, but he was never formally diagnosed. As a child he had intelligence way beyond his years but struggled with making friends and normal socialising. He got on best with children who were younger than him. Now at 27 he has a PhD, is married and has a wide circle of good friends, but at school he didn't really have good friends until 6th form, and then only a few. I think his intelligence enabled him to overcome his difficulties in socialising but it took time. He got very stressed when starting his PhD course and eventually admitted to me that he thought it was some kind of fluke that he'd made good friends during his first degree course and was worried it wouldn't happen again!
Autism is such a wide 'spectrum' and I'm sure my son is only mildly affected compared to some for whom it is truly a disability affecting every aspect of their lives. I have worked with young teenagers for whom life is very difficult and I think it is very wise to get advice sooner rather than later so that help can be given if needed. If it turns out that his difficulties are very minor or even non-existant, no harm will have been done.

Whilst I agree that nowadays we tend to over worry and label children very early, I think this can only be helpful.. If you lived with someone who has little emotional intelligence you might think so too..

EllanVannin
Not today. The earlier one starts addressing behaviours that are going to be a drawback to the child the better. Such as eye contact, listening to others, saying "hello, my name is ..."

It can make the world of a difference to the happiness of an ASD child to have this help as early as possible.

Well done, imho, Grannyjacq1 and parents of this DC, for being so astute so soon!

No labels but early recognition will help the family and other adults around the child to understand and not worry.

We had a very experienced HLTA in our Foundation unit. He supported parents and staff alike.

Bluebell As conditions (can't think of a better word) are recognised and given a name this will happen. Autism has been there all the time in the past.

Good luck in finding books. Granny I'm sure you will find some.

Children learn emotional intelligence from birth and the time between 1-4/5 is particularly important. Why would you not want to enhance learning? It is critical for navigating the social and emotional world, a world which becomes more and more important from age 18 months onwards.

BradfordLass72 - My husband has very much the same behaviour traits as you describe your son as having (anger against self). Without going into the realms of labelling - it would be so interesting and useful to get some sort of understanding as to why, and what to do about it...

Qwerty. You are very helpful to the OP, even if you haven't named any books she needs, you have made it clear that ASD can and is diagnosed at an early age.

I worked at the Institute of Psychiatry on an International molecular genetic research into Autism, as a research psychologist. There was a time, some years ago now, when people would be sceptical about a diagnosis of a toddler. But there has been, and is, so much research and work being done about Autism that progress is great. Even before the 21st century began, young children were being picked up early and learning to make good eye contact etc. Their progress by even the age of 5 or 6 was so good it needed more awareness of how to assess them for ASD than simply looking for the obvious signs. I met them.

Grannyjacq1.
It has been mentioned that Autism may get misdiagnosed. I think your DGS is most unlikely to be in this category. But in the unlikely event that this should happen, there could be no harm at all in doing the program especially reading the books you are gathering on Emotional Intelligence. The program after all is based on redressing the symptoms of ASD which must be the signs that your DGS has been assessed as having in the first place!! Good for you in getting started in supporting him! Sorry I am too old and out of date to know the best books but I see others have them.
I'm not sure if you're in the UK, but if so expect you've you've tried The National Autistic Society? : www.autism.org.uk

Good luck! I have several ASD people in my family. I absolutely love them!!

Marjgran. I couldn't agree more Marjgran! All children and (even perhaps some adults?) would benefit from stories and play which enhance emotional intelligence.

In fact I really wish we had been aware of the concept when I was growing up. I think I might have had a much happier life if I had learned the basics of emotional intelligence. As it was, I was someone that unscrupulous adults could bully and coerce and make me believe I had to do things for them which I felt horrible about and made me think I had no rights at all.

Oh I m all for books and stories

OK let me illustrate what lack of emotional intelligence might look like. I fetched my GS from school and as we approached the exit gate, there was a little girl crying. He went up to her and went ‘ WAWAW in her face.
I asked him why he had done it as she was upset. He couldn’t see her distress, he didn’t like the noise she was making !
My GS has never been diagnosed with anything. He is considered a genius at school, At 7, he writes algorithms for a rubic cubes and has a reading age of 15. However, there is definitely something up with him but his parents won’t have it.
I love him with all my heart but I feel fear for his future. Life is not all about being brilliant at Maths etc.

I hope your GS is ok but tbh if lack of emotional intelligence is the majority of the diagnosis we need a blanket roll out for the upcoming generation. Emotional intelligence is learnt - initially from parents and siblings. It CANNOT be learnt by a child who gets very little eye-contact or reaction. So - god help us all if we need care in our old age because a generation brought up with iPads shoved in their faces at 2 and by parents who are staring at smart phones when they should be looking into their children's faces - is going to be bloody scary.

What a label to stick on a three year old child...... my daughter was reading and writing and holding long conversations with people at three.... the downside was she was labelled hyperactive... traits of autism.... emotionally naive .... she didn’t sleep more than 4/5 hours per night , and to be honest nearly killed me with trying to keep up with her. So much so that I put off having her brother till she was four! She’s now 5’10” .... extraordinarily intelligent.... a conversationalist .... also she is a child psychologist, working with ‘labelled’ children and teenagers. She hates labelling children and won’t do it... especially regarding autism which has such a wide scale! She is emotionally naive I think, but don’t most of us mothers feel the same! Nothing she won’t grow out of. So Grannyjacq1... treat your lovely bright three year old grandson just like you would any other child.They are delightful at that age. Ignore the labels until proven.

I teach in a special school with autistic children amongst others and I do think certain traits of autism will be apparent in a 3 year old . Autism has a wide spectrum as others have said. From non verbal to high functioning so it’s not something to worry about at this very early stage. In fact autism can be an advantage in many occupations such as science requiring high level concentration. Family books to share like stick man will be good to discuss relationships with him . Autism is now being recognised as a gift and as he gets older you can research all the famous people with autism such as Anthony Hopkins .

Although there may be books that will help with this I think perhapsat 3 you would be better using your GS's interests as the focus. If he is interested in trains the Thomas the Tank Engine books really do have emotional content in the stories. The faces of the engines often show in an easy way the emotion. Add to that the fact that you can enact stories with a model railway and discuss the emotions and you have an ideal situation. But cars and other toys can be used to help. I think the important thing is to play and discuss emotions with him so that he becomes more aware, to build up his vocabulary and knowledge of emotions and discuss appropriate responses to them with him. Games like hiding your face with your hands getting him to guess what emotion you will show and then revealing if he is right can help as well.

My adult son has high functioning autism. We could tell before the age of 3 that he was different. His thought processes are different; he didn't want to do activities that other children loved; he was obsessed by trains , he was also obsessed by other activities to the exclusion of others; he has repetitive behaviours ,he s being touched by people who were outside his family, he lacks dempathy, he would tell people exactly what he thought of them to the point of being rude or inappropriate, the list is endless. He is however intelligent, funny, thoughtful and very sweet natured. I don't think there is anything wrong with a professional flagging up that there might be signs of autism , knowing that there could be issues or difficulties can only prepare parents . I was glad to get him 'labelled'. It helped me understand his thought processes and to give him support which was appropriate. He understands that he has autism and this helps him to realise that some of his thought processes are not usual, particularly when it comes to empathy.

Matelda. My family between us share quite a bit of below clinical ASD. I am proud to boast, also, one of the first people to be examined when the term Autistic was coined was my first cousin!

I must tell you about him, it's a bit of a digression, but he was a pioneer in the beginning of the "discovery" that Autism is a separate syndrome. He was used by the first spinners as a subject for testing! He died of heart failure (not related to ASD) in his 50s. How, or rather where that happened was truly incredible! He was incredibly gifted but could not speak, despite knowing many languages. Because of his age he had been taken into care as a young child in a big hospital like a village. He actually was very happy there.

When this closed and he was moved into a smaller community care home, he was happy there too. Where he lived were 6 adult males with mental /learning disability. Each January the Care Workers brought out the Brochures and asked them to choose where their Summer Holiday was to be. This year my cousin completely refused to agree with the sunny seaside abroad that was chosen. He was so against it that it was decided he could show them his choice and if possible go there with his Key Worker. He produced the AA map Book. (All his life he stared at maps with great enjoyment - as do I). In his customary manner, while turning his head away and looking over his shoulder, he plonked his finger on a mountain nearish to Bethesda in North Wales. On treble-checking that this was not random - although they knew him well enough to know a random action regarding a map was most unlikely - his finger was placed with decisiveness and no hesitation in the same spot. His holiday, walking in North Wales was booked.

Quite early in the holiday he and his Companion set off from their hostel into the mountains along a comfortable grassy mountain path. His lovely Key Worker told us, my cousin was walking just ahead of him, when he stopped, turned to him, putting his hand on his chest and small flicker went across his face. He fell and died instantly. His heart had stopped. Without any previous warnings. He was slim and fit.

When they eventually were back at the home and talking together, someone took out my cousin's map book and looked at the map he had used to point out where he wanted to go. It was not a named village, or named mountain or even on a road. It was just a bit of countryside. They had put a small mark there to remind themselves when booking where to stay. Incredulous, they cross checked with the OS map.

Where he three times had placed his finger, was the place he died.

To return to your son, whom I think may be like my family: Concerning the rest of us who are just ordinary working folk who have a few and usually unnoticeable "oddities", we do not write or phone each other nearly as much as other people. Indeed, my friend often thinks my children don't care about me. It's very difficult to explain that we just feel quite happy about each other because we know we have each other. We don't need constant interaction. We know that if we need each other we will be there for each other. We have proved this. But actually we find the opposite strange, the people who keep phoning their parents, for example, to us are odd. Not that we ever say it in public because we know it's us who are different.

I strongly suspect that your son has you in his heart and thinks of you much more than you would believe. He calmly knows you love him and if he ever needed you he would ask for you. I am sure he really does love you very deeply. What is more, you are probably much more important to him than you would believe or that he will give you the impression. I expect he thinks you know this without being told. I used to think that until I realised that not everyone was like me. It is quite hard to explain how we slightly different people feel. Actually we feel very deeply and intensely and do get upset and find it hard to express that.

Don't be put off by lack of contact. There's almost a feeling with us that telepathy is working. For example, I would say to Dad, maybe after going on holiday, "Sorry I didn't write" and he'd say "It's fine, I knew you were OK" and he did, but what is more I knew he knew I was OK!. It worked both ways. I knew he was OK. In fact, once when he wasn't OK, I knew before he did! The day before he was taken ill (with pleurisy although he hadn't had the diagnosis that day) I saw him in my head and knew he was ill. But normally the way we feel is very happy knowing each other is/was in the world. That was all we needed to know, it made us very content to know it. So long as things were going along ok, we just would know each of us was out there. As soon as one of us needed each other, we knew we would be contacted.

I can't explain it very well. Sorry.

What may sound a stretch too far for some people is that I often have that same contact with Dad although he isn't down here on this world now! I just feel he's around and know he's ok, like before and that he's thought of me! I have never told anyone that. I expect people will say "It's your imagination". They say that to children and kill off their ability to feel beyond their five senses.

But I am as sure as I can be, because he sounds very much like us, that your son loves you deeply. I bet he talks about you too. You are essentially important to him. So much so, it just doesn't need a big fuss or lots of letters. Indeed, that seems kind of strange to our family, as if other people are unsure if their family still love them and have to keep reminding them to do so!!

If I were you, I would just carry on as normal and contact him whenever you want to. Don't let a lack of reply upset you. If you need to know something, then do ask him though.

I do hope you can understand what I am trying to explain. I have never said this to anyone before. I have always felt different and known which members of my family are like me and who is not. Later I realised that we had ASD signs to a greater or lesser extent.

I really want to say this to you, Matelda, although I am quite scared of the kind of rude comments I shall get from people who have been very scathing to me in the past. But it's important to me because your son is miles away and you can't see him. With our condition, the miles don't make any difference for some reason. He will still feel as close to you. You are part of him. It will never change.

'spinners' as a subject?? No!! I don't know what happened there! They were
Investigators or Doctors...

Just a couple of book suggestions:
The Smartest Giant in Town
Lullabyhullabaloo