A dil who needs advice ☹

I would have said that you thought his resting bitch face was the spitting image of her! Don’t let her upset you, she is the one with the problem. She is very insecure in the fact that ‘her’ son loves you, another woman!

I'm sorry but I would have taken my son and told her to bog off. I would tell her when she can behave like a civilised human being then she would be welcome back. If you don't stop it now she will drip nastyness into your sons ear as he grows.

I would have taken the baby off her and told her that you wanted a rest and that shown her the door and then not be available to her in the future. I don't think it is worth trying to respond. It is a reaction that she wants. She will know why. Tell your husband that she was unkind and that you are not going to make any further effort with her. Don't let him try to appeasee you and make it clear that you expect his support. Then try to avoid her as much as possible.

nonnie
I would always put kindness first, have you heard the expression "kill them with kindness" it often works far better than retaliation.

Standing up for yourself is not retaliation. What a ridiculous idea.

Sorry to hear this ...you could always laugh and say 'when he does that I thought he looks just like HIS GRANDMA (...whatever her name is ) …….

She was very rude.

I think this is good advice by knspol.

I would try saying, in as even a tone as you can manage, "that's a very unpleasant thing to say" and if you're in her home gather your things and go home. If it's said whilst you're at home you should say something to the effect that it would be best if she went home now as you don't want any cross words in front of the baby. I would also make sure you tell your husband everything that's been said and leave it to him to have any confrontation with her.

I wouldn’t retaliate. That’s going down to her level. I would calmly set a boundary as suggested, so you don’t have to go on putting up with this.

Possibly you could use a three-step process:

1. Do you realise that sounded very rude?
2. (If she says something else rude) ‘If you speak to me rudely again I will leave/ask you to leave.’
3. (If she does it again) Leave or ask her to leave.

If she refused to leave, you could take the baby and leave the room.

You will be able to judge whether it’s best to do that or just leave/ask her to leave straight away.

Thankyou you all so much for responding to me, I really appreciate all the advice. It took me a little bit to respond because I was really taking all this in. I told my husband to have a talk with her, I guess the conversation went "well" I haven't got an apology or any text from her. She told my husband she has no idea why she even said resting bitch face she never said that in her life, my husband says she just says things. He says he has my back but I almost feel like someone punched me in the stomach cause it doesnt feel like it was resolved it's just going to be pushed under the carpet? I have been so upset about this, next time I see her iam going to confront her myself. I will keep you all posted, so wish I could have a MIL like all of you, thankyou again

I'm sorry but him saying "she just says things" is really dismissive of you. Its one step away from "you must have imagined it"

He does not have your back!

IMO she was rude and you should have perhaps said "Ouch, that's hurtful. Why would you say that? Is that what you think I look like"?

Notanan him saying "she just says things" is really dismissive of you Tiny’s husband is a man. They tend to lack emotional intelligence. That’s the sort of thing they say, especially if they’re engineers, as so many of them are. He was trying to offer an explanation for his mother's behaviour, not an excuse. Are you trying to make her feel worse?

Tiny I hope your MiL apologises to you and you don’t have to confront her. Well done though for getting your DH on board.
Try to put MiL out of your mind and enjoy your precious baby

Tiny’s husband is a man. They tend to lack emotional intelligence

No they don’t. We just let them pretend they do.

It’s time to hold men accountable. If women can learn emotional intelligence, so can they.

Flossieturner, my old mother makes barbed comments too. She thinks she's funny. I hate it. When I retaliate she makes a silly face as if it's ME who's being difficult. Some people don't realise their comments are hurtful. She's done it all her life and won't change now - sadly.
OP, you have the whip hand - you really don't have to put up with this. Try to nip it in the bud and try not to take it too personally - she's probably made that way and no doubt is the same with other people. But it really is unacceptable.

Tinytink1919 your MiL no doubt hopes it'll be brushed under the carpet.
I suggest you have a think about the suggestions made in this thread and decide how you want to deal with it, if she is rude again.
Being prepared will mean you feel less shocked.

Make sure your DH knows that, if there is any further rudeness, he should tell her it's unacceptable, and not just ask why she said it.

My MIL did not approve of me in the early days. She suggested to her son "Why don't you find someone younger and slimmer?"! I don't know if she knows that he told me! She eventually became nicer to me - mainly after I gave her 2 wonderful grandchildren - but I see her very little now as her son is now my ex! Last year when I saw her at my DS's PhD award ceremony she spent much of her time complaining to me about my ex's new partner!
Sadly some women do want to remain number one in their son's life and don't know how to let go of the apron strings.
When my DS got married I told my new DIL that my MIL had taught me how NOT to be a MIL and I hoped she would benefit from that. She is a lovely young woman and I think we are developing a really good relationship so I wouldn't dream of treating her in that sort of way.
I put up with a lot from my MIL but tended to let most things go for a quiet life. Since our divorce I've tried to stay pleasant towards her but now if she is critical towards me I find it easier to stick up for myself. I don't have to spend time with her for my ex's sake any more which makes it easier to keep her in her place. I get the impression she has more complaints about my replacement than she did about me, but she'll probably never be entirely happy with her sons' choices of partners. She often said very negative things to me about her other son's wife and they never stay with her when they visit as there have been so many upsets between my MIL and her other DIL.
Tinytink1919 I think you need to stick up for yourself - call her out over her rudeness - but don't be rude back to her yourself, otherwise you are simply sinking to her level. Don't give her any ammunition as she will surely turn it back on you.
She needs to realise that her son has a family of his own now and her petty jealousy will damage her relationship with him if she continues in this way. If that happens she will only have herself to blame.
It would seem that is what has happened to my MIL. She isn't completely estranged from her sons but things are not what they could be - she sees less of them than she might have otherwise and she has brought it on herself.

Summerlove I should of course have said that some people lack emotional intelligence and have to learn it.

Just as some people on Gransnet seem to find it hard to recognise humour in a post

Yes janeainsworth, some people really do take themselves (and minor situations) very seriously on here!

It’s time to hold men accountable. If women can learn emotional intelligence, so can they

I agree Summerlove - and my sense of humour is perfectly intact.

Tinky you need to decide what you really want. Do you always 'tell' your DH what to do? Does he always do as he is told? Perhaps she has now realised that she inadvertently said something you didn't like and will now be treading on egg shells. Why not give her a chance rather than alienating her? Do you really want to confront her and upset your husband. In the overall picture is it worth it?

I simply cannot understand so many confrontational posts, this is your DH's mother! As I previously suggested, try killing her with kindness before anything else.

At last, the voice of reason Nonnie! I believe that you're absolutely right!

Tinytink1919 - please ignore the post from Nonnie which sounds like something out of the 1950 publication 'How to keep your husband happy: 19 rules for good wives'

Your husband is the grown man you're in a partnership with and your MiL is being rude and vindictive. It sounds like he's a bit scared of her and has grown up on the receiving end of the sort of comments she's throwing at you. Stand together, be firm with her and let her know calmly and politely that neither of you are prepared to tolerate her behaviour any more. If she wants to stop upsetting you (not the other way about) then she needs to start thinking about how she wants to move forward and continue having a relationship with you and her GC - otherwise she'll end up on the Estrangement threads on GN bemoaning the fact that her family don't speak to her.

The rallying cry of someone called on their ridiculousness
“It was only a joke. Where is your sense of humor”

It’s perfectly fine thanks. I just think it’s ridiculous to make excuses for people based on their gender or age.

sirchenjin is wise.

Thanks Hetty, I just think it is awful to fall out over this and cause friction where it can be avoided. There are far more important things to get het up about. I worry that the next step will be telling her DH to choose between her and her MiL.

SirChen I think you are winding the OP up to do something she may later regret. I think you have deliberately interpreted my post to be out of date. It is the same counsel I would give to a man in this situation. Breaking up families should be a last straw and not be encouraged. What is wrong with trying to kill her with kindness first? Its what I did with my MiL and it worked. I've done it with difficult colleagues too and it has worked there. Nothing wrong with being kind in all areas of our lives. Nastiness might well come back and bite you.

Nonnie - you are quite wrong. I am not "winding the OP up", but you seem to be catatrophising and placing the blame and responsibility firmly at the feet of the OP. My MiL thinks this way - she believes it's the woman's job to placate family members and to keep everyone happy, whereas nowadays couples work as partners and jointly address issues. The OPs MiL is the one behaving appallingly, and perhaps in years gone by the DiL and son would have deferred to her matriarchial position as she continued to insult everyone. These days are long gone - or they should be.

No-one is advocating breaking up a family - what an odd thing to claim. I'm not sure why you equate working as a partnership and speaking firmly to this woman about their poor behaviour with divorce or nastiness.

matriarchal