I don’t know how to handle this, help please

In order to justify your decisions to your children you have to be able to make them in the first place!

If this is not the case in your relationship with your DH and ILs then you have much bigger problems than one little girl.

I don’t go round “to accept gifts”. They visit my house. It’s DH’s house too, I don’t have the right to bar his parents from visiting their son and grandchildren!

I walk on eggshells as you put it because I am not prepared to destroy their relationship with their grandchildren because sometimes they do stuff I wish they wouldn’t do. They are not abusers. They love those kids and my kids have a right to a relationship with their GPs independent of mine.

If I decide to act the big man and “go no contact” what positive benefit is going to come from that?

The alternative to no contact is not doormat.

You have no boundaries of your own around these people, even in your own home! That is not normal and your children are noticing.

I think the reason the Isobel thing is bothering you is because Isobels mum is allowed to set Isobels rules and have a say when Isobel is around ILs, and you're not.

That's not Isobel's or Isobel's fault.
When MIL visits or babysits Im still the kids parent. The children are not considered "independant" of me once ILs walk through the door! That would not be healthy or normal

"That's not Isobel's or Isobel's mum's fault.."

It's also not normal to be as scared of "doing the wrong thing" around your DH and visitors to your home as you are!

Isobel is not the cause of you feeling this way

Isn't the problem that you're having to explain your Mil's decisions rather than your own. We can all justify why we do this , that or the other but explaining why your Mil doesn't allow them to take their gifts home is a tad more difficult, because frankly they're not gifts as such as they have to stay at grannies which is further aggravated by grannie having different rules for your kids and Isobel. I think grannie should be the one doing the explaining.

A gift is a gift not a bargaining chip. MIL sounds horrible and manipulative.

I can see it is a hard situation to get used to. It could happen in any family though when a new child comes into the frame.

The photo thing is very familiar.

I would object to any child bashing mine though and snatching toys. I lost several friends when mine were small because of parenting styles!! Did you know that Lego was breakable? I swear one child arrived carrying a replica kalashnikov machine gun to play with my kids.

I suggest you continue to do what you do and don't worry too much about doing the wrong thing. I think sometimes parents doubt themselves too much. Follow your instincts and you won't go too far wrong.

muffinthemoo. Nice to see you - you have not been around? This is a tricky one as your children have had it impressed upon them that these toys are specifically theirs - because they are gifts. I think you will have to gently try to have “playgroup” rules when you are together. With regard to Isabel taking items home. You will maybe have to speak up and ask for that to not happen or ask to take the special toys to your own home, perhaps one per visit, as a softly, softly approach. I have a “this lives in my house” rule for the toy box, generally accepted by children (sadly not always by adults ☹️). Could the children have a small toy box each of a different colour and have a “please may I borrow this” rule? Urrgh I do not envy you this one. I Commend you for being sensitive and trying to please everyone. Could the advent of Christmas allow some sorting out and a new system set up now that there are four children whereas last year one baby and two children. The dynamic has changed and as you point out, so should the set up. Whilst children have to share a lot of the time, they are also entitled to keep personal gifts. The children are entitled to respect for their special things. I still pine after borrowed toys that did not get returned that had great meaning to me.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with being a peace keeper. It has some dignity.

I agree with FlexibleFriend OP. You cannot explain why your MIL has become inconsistent with the rules in her home, because it is her actions in her home.
It would puzzle any child who carries a sense of what is fair because it is not fair. I don't know how you can answer.
Can you talk to your MIL about this?

While everyone is in your home then it should be your rules.
You can define how all of these people behave while in your home within reason.

I think that Grandparents must go along with what the parents think anyway.
I don't agree with my AC on everything but I always respect that she is their mum.

I think your MIL has caused the problem and that is your best way of resolving it by talking to her but if this is not possible then please do assert yourself more and take the kids presents home with you, stating that if it is right for Isabel then it is right for all.

Special treatment for one child will in the end backfire. I have seen this happen.
No matter what Isabel's set up is she should not be given special favours above the other DGC.

Notanan2 you have made 10 posts on here! I feel as if you are rather laying into muffin a bit! You are repeating yourself!

Well it sounds pretty serious. An agressive DH. ILs who treat her like she doesnt exist or matter even in her own home, all while children watch (and learn).

Its not just about the gifts, or Isobel. There is something much bigger and more serious going on from the sound of things!

Its very concerning. And its not really about Isobel taking a toy home!

If your children are not happy with their granny's approach to Isabel i.e. letting her take THEIR toys home with her when they can't, then I suggest they ask her, directly, why she is treating her differently. She may be shocked and review her attitude. They need to tell her it is upsetting them to see THEIR presents given away. Playing and sharing is one thing, someone else taking them home is something else altogether.

I think this is really what you are upset about so she can be the one to explain her behaviour. No one is usually very happy with a grandparent who seems to show favouritism openly.

If Isabel continues to hurt your children and is not corrected by anyone, you will have to consider putting some distance between the families and visit at a different time. I don't know why most replies on this thread are making excuses for bad behaviour. Do not lower your own standards.

I do not think posting tips about how to continue to tip toe around the elephants in the room is going to do the OP a kindness..

^ @ mumofmadboys not quizqueen.

I agree with quiz queen.

I can see you’re in a difficult position OP and getting a pasting from a particular poster who seems quite obsessed with your situation judging by the number of posts is probably not helping.

It seems like an odd situation. Do you know why your DBiL isn’t allowed to direct her, given that they live together?

In terms of what Isobel is and isn’t allowed to do and explaining that to your children I would just not make a big deal about it and just say something breezily along the lines of ‘because that’s the way it is’ and move on. Young children don’t require an explanation for every single decision made by adults - sometimes ‘because I said so’ is all the justification you need to provide.

Re sharing toys - it’s certainly good to encourage sharing but I don’t think Isobel should be allowed to take them out of your MiLs house. It’s an odd arrangement and one that I would be questioning I think, especially if your MiL isn’t going to intervene when your children’s presents are going walkabout. It’s fine for children to know that they’re welcome to play with other children’s toys but not to take them home.

How very strange of your mother in law to give a gift and then insist on it staying there I m afraid that should have never happened in the first place A gift is given with no stipulations at all and I wouldn’t have agreed to that one Not that I ve ever come across it before it sounds very over controlling
As the little one is only 3 in a whole new world suddenly sharing with ‘cousins’ now got a grandmother ‘who isn’t’ and a new father who isn’t allowed to parent I not surprised the little one wets herself and has at that age no idea of the etiquette to not take the offending clothes of in public

Unfortunately I think you should have brought the kids toys and gifts home from day 1 you have bent over too far backwards to placate a rather controlling mother in law and maybe (husband) and you cant undo it now
I m not sure why you are so involved with your brother in law

Whilst you want a big happy family maybe it would be a lot healthier all round to not spend so much of your time at mother in laws and let the children play with other friends’ children more, it all sounds way ‘over familied’

Hello muffinthemoo - it's been a while since we've heard from you so it's likely that some of the posters on this thread are unaware of the difficulties you have previously shared, particularly about dealing with your in-laws.

I think perhaps all you can do with your children is to gently reinforce your own rules and suggest they ask your mother-in-law directly why the rules about taking things from her home seem to have changed.

A 'broken record' approach can help with little ones along the lines of; in our family this is how we behave, but other families do things differently. This kind of reminder simply serves to help very young children to understand that families do things differently without the need to explain why.

And for what it's worth I think you're doing a grand job under very difficult circumstances.

Your MIL's behaviour seems very odd to me. Firstly, keeping presents that she has bought for her grandchildren at her house. Secondly, taking down photos of her son and your children and replacing them with pictures of Isobel - who she has known for only one year. (And now allowing Isobel to take home toys which are not hers.) Plus the fact that she allows Isabel to get away with things that your children are told off for!

And it sounds as if your husband does not like to hear his parents criticised in any way. So you haven't got him on-side.

Could you speak to your MIL about this - tell her how her behaviour is hurting your children - or would that cause friction?

If you can't, then in your situation I would distance myself and my children a little bit. Don't visit so often, etc.

I feel sorry for Isabel - she is obviously a little girl who has been damaged in some way. But that's not your problem! Neither is your BIL's. Leave him to sort it out.

And do stick to your guns regarding your children's behaviour. You have standards - keep them up!

I echo grannyactivist. Well done, you!

P.S. Could you not, this Christmas, keep your children's presents? If you are at MIL's, just be assertive and put them in a bag ready to take home with you? If MIL is at your house, just say something like, 'I'd prefer the presents to stay here - the children would love to play with them today!'

Worth a try ...?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mother in law sounds an arse and her son an enabler. What a toxic mix. I really feel for you muffin I’d have had to have it out before now! It’s not Isobel’s fault that mother in law is favouring her. It’s a control issue by the woman and you are on the receiving end.

I think you are a saint.
?

Why take it so seriously though (and encourage your children to)? There's always the option of reducing visits to MIL. Meeting in a public place is easier, maybe for dinner or a walk. Inviting them to your house means that your 'house rules' should apply. Visits to MIL can be short!

Children are very keen on fairness. They have to learn, however, that the world is not fair, the earlier the better. Rather than enter a control battle, just teach them to laugh things off by being relaxed and showing good humour. My kids called my awkward mother 'Silly Nan' on the quiet!