I don’t know how to handle this, help please

I really disagree with those of you who think OP is "peacekeeping" by having no boundaries. There is nothing paeceful about these dynamics!

The alternatives do NOT begin and end with going no contact. There is a whole spectrum in between in which boundariea can be set. MIL doesnt have to agree with them

I’m not sure that the situation sounds good in lots of ways, Isobels mother sounds like a control freak, obviously she can parent as she sees fit, but how can her partner be expected to cope with Isobel if he’s not allowed any input.

I’ve heard about this weird arrangement over presents before, it doesn’t make any sense, if you give someone a present, it then belongs to them, to do whatever they like with. She also sounds very controlling.

If it were me, I’d give the whole lot of them a wide berth.

Hello, Muffinthemoo! How nice to see you. Your baby is a year old now? How did that happen!

I don't have much advice re your situation, except to say that your mil sounds very odd. Maybe this is a chance for you to teach your children that people do indeed act in strange ways and that life sometimes just isn't fair.

The comments, too, have got me thinking about sharing. It's interesting how some of us insist that children should share their toys. As adults, we rarely share our toys. My dh wouldn't take it too kindly if I suggested he shared his fancy car with our next door neighbours, for instance! Children sometimes get attached to a particular toy and it's understandable they will get upset if it's taken away.

I think, if you don't want to reduce contact with the MIL, that you could encourage your children to regard any gifts she gives them as 'community' gifts and not specifically theirs. Or ask for monetary gifts for them in future.

Anyway, lovely to 'see' you again! X

I dont think that Is mother is necessarily doing anything odd. If the DB is regularly caring for I it would not be unreasonable for Is mother to ask him to maintain the consistancy of her rules when DB is in sole charge of I.

This does not seem to apply to the OP who is expected to have no authority or say whatsoever once her children are in GPs company.

Its the OPs situation, not Is mum's, that is unusual.

There are a WORLD of options in between doormat and NC. E.g. leaving the ILs to the DH to deal with. Meeting out and about rather than at OPs house where she is undermined etc

Sometimes a poster reveals things over time that allow regular readers to have a greater understanding of new difficulties that arise. Unfortunately this means that when a new thread is posted some people will be aware of the 'backstory' and others are not.

notanan2 your last post is spot on in many ways I think, but there is a whole back story that puts a very different slant on what's possibly going on here - and of course without that information we have to respond in ways that seem obvious to us, but cannot take into account information that we don't have.

I know one of my DGC really took bad when new member ( children ) joined the family . She asked me if her uncle and aunt , whom she loves , would still be her uncle and aunt now they had new children to love. This really bothered her and she just was not sure of her place in the family any more.

Why on earth would your MIL take downs pics of your DH and your children and replace them with pics of Isabel? I’d definitely question that with her.

Also, ignore nasty comments on here regarding your parenting. You sound very level headed to me and considerate. Bringing children up to have good manners and have consideration for others is to be applauded.

As for the toy situation - if those toys have been bought for your children then they belong to your children. If MIL prefers to keep them at her house for them to play with when they are there that’s fine; I do that with some of the toys I buy my GC. However, it must be very confusing for your children to see Isabel taking them home with her when they have been gifted to them. Also, if Isabel is pushing your little one off a ride on toy she should be told quite firmly that is something she isn’t allowed to do.

The problem here isn’t Isabel but the tippytoing on eggshells around her mother by the sounds of it.

I’d have a word with DH to see if he’ll say something to MIL and carry on bringing up your children in way you see fit. Sounds like you’re doing an excellent job.

Wow! People are being very judgemental when all you seem to be trying to do is explain to your children why they are seeing differences.. ?

With both my parents and my in-laws, if they have my children a gift I would quite often leave at their house. It certainly saved me having to take lots of things to amuse them every time I visited!

I think your MIL is a little wary of disciplining Isabel because her son isn’t even allowed to as yet, and she won’t want to cause friction between him and his partner.

Isabel’s wetting could well be because of all the changes going on in her life. If it were me, I would keep reassuring her that she’s fine and cared for while with yourselves (I’m sure you already do, but persevere as it will work eventually ?)

If I were in your shoes, I would just explain the wetting and behaviour to my children by saying that Isabel is with a new family and might be a little scared or worried and if they keep being kind to her then it will help her feel less scared.

Explain that when they aren’t at Nannies and Isabel is, she probably plays with the toys and doesn’t know that they were gifts to them from Nanny. Just say that now that Nanny has Isabel visiting as well then there are more children than toys!, and that they are very kind to share their toys with her.

I too was a parent who made sure my children were polite and well behaved while out, and I don’t understand any parent who wouldn’t expect that.

I think if this situation continues it comes down to your BIL to sit down with his partner and explain the difficulties he has when not able to correct Isabel. I’m sure as someone who cannot have children that he’s desperate to make this work and doesn’t want to shake the tree just in case it affects the relationship.

Good luck! I’m sure with a little more patience and reassurance things will get better.

Wow if l were you l would go somewhere else for advice. What horrible responses. You dont deserve a bashing.
Youve clearly got a good heart. Just mention to your MIL how you feel and work something out about the toys. Sounds as if everyone is readjusting things will settle down. Youve got good foundations, you all like each other, great basis for family harmony.
Dont undervalue your own parenting standards.
Im sure you are doing a grand job

I have just had to read your post through a couple of times to get it right in my head!
By saying that your BiL is not permitted to parent the child, I take it that he is not allowed to discipline her?
The child sounds as if she is desperately confused and wanting constant attention - or there is something going on that you are not aware of that is causing the wetting and other behaviour.
There is nothing old fashioned about expecting a child to behave in a certain manner in certain places. All children need boundaries and this child obviously has none.
As far as your MiL is concerned, I would guess that she wants Isobel to feel she is part of the family. It is hurtful that the pictures of your family have been taken down, but they are only pictures, doesn't mean she loves you all any less.
As far as the fact that this child seems incapable of sharing - many only children have to learn how to do this, it isn't wired in - you only have to watch groups of children at nurseries to learn this!
With the toys, I'd suggest that your children take their own toys to Grannies and you make sure that they are packed up and returned home with you each time. Bit of a nuisance I know and if you spot the child trying to take one of the items home with her, you need to say calmly " X and Y have been very kind sharing their toys with you, but it is now time for them to take them home . You have toys of your own to play with at home, these ones belong to X and Y, they are not yours!" If she starts to scream, have a tantrum, wet herself, take her clothes off or hurt your children, leave.
I don't understand the walking on eggshells but I can fully understand the different way that the MiL treats your children - my own mother did the same with how my son and my brothers twins were treated. I could only put it down to the fact that both of the twins had been seriously ill before their 1st birthday (one had heart surgery, the other had brain surgery) so she cherished them a little bit more.

Hello Muffin, I don't post very often, but feel that I really want to support you. It seems that you are the oil on some very turbulent waters here. No support from anyone who should be supporting you. This is about your children, and I am one of those mum's who turns into a bear when people used to bully (real or imagined) my children. I think you have to decide if you want to change the situation which seems very disadvantageous to your children. If you do then, with no one supporting you, you will have to make a lot of waves and maybe you will have to stand up to both your husband and his parents. If you have no desire to go through all of that, then you just have to find a way of explaining this ridiculous behaviour to your children in your own words. I don't think that what is happening is right. So blended family or blood, friends or any other grouping would be able to tell you what to say to avoid conflict and make it okay, because you are already way past where I would be causing ructions. Good luck Muffin .

I also meant to say that re: sharing Nanny. Perhaps tell them that Nanny has so much love to give that there is more than enough for Isabel too, so it’s nice to be able to share Nanny as Isabel only has one Nanny. (I’m guessing as she doesn’t see Dad)

I think theres a lot going on here that no ones asking of the right person? Its no good asking FIL why MIL is doing such& such- should you not be asking her direct?,is no one allowed to ask her why she does things directly to her?I had this problem years ago when i first split(then later divorced) my youngest childs dad.(my sons now 16) before the split any gifts he had at home,after it his nanna started to make him keep gifts at their house,so consequently he hardly ever got to play with them,and quickly outgrew them,after he was old enough to question this i asked why he could not take them home with him,(she never actually said outright that it was purely to ensure id bring him for a visit) but that is what i think was the reason,as his dad was living there too! She did however start to let him take his gifts home after that,so maybe if you SPEAK DIRECTLY TO HER,NOT VIA ANYONE ELSE,and point that out to her,that they'll outgrow them or they belong to that child if they're given as a gift,with their name on,she might see the nonsense in at least THAT problem she's created??

In my view the situation is complicated by the fact your MiL doesn't allow any of the birthday or Christmas presents she buys the children to be taken home. I find that very odd to be honest. I can see why some of the children get upset when they see toys of theirs being used by this little girl which granny bought for them. It is good for children to learn to share but I think your MiL would be better having some general toys that are for all the children to play with to enjoyed by all but not anyone's in particular. (Charity shops have lots of good condition toys for sale). I am assuming that the children always receive these gifts at her house on these special occasions. I think I would have had a conversation about this when it all first started and nipped it in the bud from the beginning, harder to do now it's established but maybe it should still be broached anyway.
If your BiL is not allowed to parent this little girl how does it work when he is looking after her on his own as they are living as a family this sounds complicated. I don't really think there is a lot you can do or should do here, apart from speaking to your MiL about the toy arrangement that she has.

Also,there could be underlying reasons(for your MIL) why she is more lenient with isobel,i.e.-does she perhaps believe that your BIL secretly is isobel's natural father perhaps?If no ones ever seen isobels father,and isobels mum has never 'proved' he exists( photos,visits,birth certificate etc) then maybe your MIL is wondering if the child really is her sons child?or at least secretly is hoping so?That might make sense,particularly if your BIL is her 'favourite' son?

yes from the start it was your husband's mother that startled me. No she can't give and keep. I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. And your husband brooks no criticism of his mother's behaviour?...is that 'anything for quiet life' or because he is scared of her? And as for her changing the photographs - this is like gaslighting. You have to protect your children from her first and foremost...but what to do? I'm afraid its war baby...If he wont stand up to her you must. Say you want all the toys that belong to your children with them, OR when she gives gifts to say they are her granny house gifts to make playing at her house fun...but she can't have it both ways she really can't unless you all agreed this was the best way...but now Isabel and child have revealed the cracks..a blessing in disguise. For now tell your childen the truth. That they are their toys but granny wants to keep them. and that you have no dea why their photos have been taken down - ask granny. Granny is obviously putting hooks in Isabel and daughter...you must protect them too. Whatever roles or gender people have; power can corrupt and it is time you showed some metal and took some power from her. And you will have to stand up to your husband for your childrens' sake. I'm sorry if it all sounds a bit dramatic - but I think it is!

Great post Treelover, I absolutely agree.

I also think that it's important to remember that the relationship between BiL and this little girl's mum has only existed for 12 months... I'm curious about how long they've actually lived together? If only a matter of months then I can understand why he's not 'parenting' her fully too.

Is there a problem with possessiveness? In my family I am "granny" to children and dogs who are unrelated to me and not all that interested in me. The only possessive person among the people who come to my house is the Yorkshire terrier.

I witnessed a group session the other day where there were 4 three year old boys. I noticed my grandson was boisterous, his friend was rather badly behaved, and the other two were really placid. I take this as an example of the normal variety of behaviour in 3 year olds.

It sounds like your MIL is misguidedly overcompensation Isabel. Unfortunately, apart from upsetting your children she is unwittingly spoiling Isabel who needs to understand the need for sharing and obeying rules. Having boundaries makes a child ( or pet) feel more secure.
I think you need to speak to MIL and explain that your children are hurt and too young to understand why Isobel is being spoilt, and ask her to treat them all equally, especially in relation to the photos. At the same time you can explain to your children that as Isobel is new to the family she should be treated with extra kindness while she settles in.
I would also stop calling MIL’s presents a present, just tell the children that it is something they can unwrap and have the first turn on, but it does not belong to them - it really belongs to MIL.who bought them for everyone to use, not just them (In other words they are not presents). This may annoy MIL but it is the truth and it is better for the children if it is spelled out. If this means they are less keen to visit her, so be it - she cannot have it both ways.

Some responses here are quite sharp and judgmental. However I too think that Isobel might, unconsciously, be a 'red herring' for you. Your relationships with your MIL and DH raise questions.
I read an inspirational message yesterday in the Sunday Times magazine. It goes as follows.
'If you really loved yourself , what would you do?'.
You are trying so hard to get things right and to 'people please' because I suspect you are a very nice person.
It might help to get a referral from your GP or even self-refer to a counselling service to just talk these issues through in a non-judgmental safe space.Why? Because you are worth it.

In your shoes I would be making a stand this year about christmas presents going home with your children. They are gifts they have been given and therefore now belong to them so should be allowed to take them home! Id probably just pop them in the car at tidy up time!!

Poor Muffinthemoo, she came to us for help and suggestions not harsh critisism. We all do our best as parents/grandparents/friends and none of us are perfect.

It would make sense for your dc to take their toys home and for MiL to buy a few generic toys for all children to play with. If 'Isobel' pushes your child off his toy then you are perfectly within your rights to tell her no, your child is playing with his toy and she will have to wait for a turn. If a child is going around wetting in public places it really makes more sense to put her in nappies. It is unhygienic when children urinate in public places such as fabric chairs as others have to sit on them too and they are very hard to clean. Who say that your bil cannot direct Isobel when he is in sole charge of her? So if she is doing something dangerous he can't tell her no and stop her. I think in your position I would be spending less time at in laws and would be taking your children's toys home for them to play with. I too do not like bad manners and children who snatch or push others off toys.

My dh is not the father of my children but he helped bring my youngest child up and I was perfectly happy for him to direct my youngest son. There were times when he also punished my son. On one occasion my son scraped his car on purpose and my dh took his computer away for one whole month. I was perfectly happy with this punishment. Now youngest son is an adult and has a really good relationship with his step dad, they often chose to go to the cinema together or to go for an Indian meal, so taking directions from my dh did not harm him in any way.