Grandparent Advice Greatly Appreciated!

Hello Pudsy and welcome.

As a Dil until very recently, I do understand some of the difficult in- law issues you are experiencing as I had several of my own when my children were young.

I agree with David
A conversation with your husband would be beneficial.
You and your DH need to be on the same page and show a united front.

If you had posted on Mumsnet
The answer would more than likely be along the lines, it is up to your DH sort/discuss with his mother, not you.

As Dil I have one grandson.
They live a distance away.
They visit us as a family or we visit and go on trips to the park, zoo etc.
Always as a family, grandparents parents, and grandson (4 yr old) and occasion aunt uncle and cousins.
I have never asked to take our grandson out by ourselves, even though he is very loving and confident with us.
I am waiting until I feel that not only my grandson, but also his parents are comfortable with us taking him out and about.

My DD lives about 20mins drive away.
We have looked after her boys since they were babies and do after school pick ups, sleepovers etc.

Had it been the other way round and my Dil lived closer, I don't honestly know if my Dil would have been happy with such a close relationship that we share my Daughter and our grandchildren.

Good luck

Our family all live in the same town. 2 sets of AC, 3GC - 2 are DD and latest is DS. When we moved here many years ago the established rule was they could call in at our house anytime. Both us are used to a running an open house scenario. However, we would never dream of dropping in on either of them without first phoning to make sure it is OK. Different generation, different expectations.

The only think I would add to all the other posts is that my DH didn't have a great relationship with his own mother and in fact sister. I clearly remember him saying to me one day, "If it doesn't bother me, why should it bother you?" As others have said maybe she just doesn't want to be that involved with her GC.

Good luck and try not to overthink things. It will be that which drives you cuckoo! [Flowers}

I agree with wildflowers47,its what proud grandparents do- not seen as 'parading them around' im not sure what you mean by that? But i love taking my GC out/about or even,'shock' on holiday or away for a wkend? I took one of my GS's (age 14)to venice last wk along with my 2 youngest 'children'(21&16) first time ive taken one of my GC abroad though,but he loved it& was very excited to be going,& i was proud to tell everyone who asked that "this is my grandson & these are my two 'boys'!" Its not a crime,im just so proud.youre MIL may be a bit 'much' sometimes,but theres surely no doubt she loves her GC or she wouldnt want to come take them out at all? & she wouldnt want to be invited?Try to give a bit.& start with inviting her more.if she makes any 'digs' just tell her straight.

Yes i would never have liked my (ex now)MIL just 'dropping in' either,and it is different with your own family. I have a good relationship with all my kids( mostly adult now) but still wouldnt just drop in on them,even if i rang just before to say i was nearby?its just rude,they could be out for day,or doing anything(time as a couple even ) so yes she might not wish to do that.

My DIL gets on better with me than her own mum so i cant get a grip on this- but as others have said,it depends how old the children now are,also if they do actually want to out for day with her? What about a half day first,a cinema trip or something? Its essentially up to the boys own mum if she wants to let him,and though you know "she doesnt think highly of her" you still dont know for certain what she will say,so you still need to ask her,or let your husband or his own mum ask her,if you dont want to.its not something to "be at your wits end about"- you could actually just invite her over more often first,if thats how theyre all going to get to know each other better? (Some older generation do feel they have to be 'invited' fìrst) and maybe shes not as easy going as your own family,enough to just 'drop in'- indeed she may fear if she does that too much you may think shes trying to 'check up on you',and you would not like that,would you? You cant have it all ways,you either want her in the kids lives,or you dont,simple as that.if as has been said,you believe the kids are safe with her then start small,with inviting her round,maybe you could 'pop out' to shops etc while they play those board games,just for a bit,see how they all are together? Then park or cinema trips,or even for a,dare i say it? a happy meal? Or pizza? Then longer trips as its getting nearer xmas?im sure if you& hubby say you'd like to help with advice on where to take them she can compromise?(pantos or christmas shopping,or some such?) Good luck and enjoy the peace& rest while their all out,or get a chance to wraps christmas gifts in peace?

I would never call in to see son or dil without first phoning to make sure it was convenient. Perhaps because mil hasn't had any specific invitations she doesn't feel welcome and that's why she feels making arrangements to take children out for the day is the way to go? If you truly want her to become closer to your children then you should start inviting her round, maybe start with a casual coffee morning? You can only try.

I committed a major crime by dropping in on my MIL. We lived about 40 miles away and happened to have an appointment near their home. My family would probably have been hurt if we hadn’t called in but MIL felt very differently.

A case of differing expectations and how life has evolved over the years. My Mum came from a big family and people were always welcome when they dropped in for a cup of tea. We lived close to the town centre. FIL was an army officer and they lived all over the world but never close to their extended family. No one is actually wrong but you both need to adjust perhaps.

MIL sounds as if she is trying to browbeat you so you could try following some of the suggestions from others to see what works best for you. She must be aware that you could just say no more visits at all and your OHs ex would probably go along with you. If she likes to be in control then that won’t go down too well.

Hope you manage to resolve these issues. Enjoy the children whilst they are young. Time passes in a flash!

Hi,
Breathe, relax, and be kind!
Family dynamics are fraught with difficulties because we imagine what another persons motives are, what they are thinking etc. Some of the expressions you use suggest that you are basing your reactions on what you believe your MIL’s motives and thoughts might be.
Invite her over, that’s what she’s asked for! Let her take the children for an afternoon out if they would like to go.
Your repeated comment about her wanting to ‘parade the children around’ suggests a little possessiveness , because that is exactly what proud grandparents like to do! It’s not a crime. Take it as a compliment rather than a criticism.
As a proud grandma of 6 ranging from 32 years old down to 6 weeks I have been blessed with a lovely relationship with my grandchildren, children and in laws. Sometimes I’ve got it wrong myself, other times I’ve felt misunderstood. Please don’t let your children miss out on what might be a source of real joy and pleasure to them simply because you feel irritated with your MIL, and I understand that she may be annoying, really I do!
Children however are not bargaining chips in ANY situation, so choose your battles, speak plainly when you have to and be generous with your MIL. It might just turn things around.

Oh the trials and tribulations of the MIL! That wonderful institution that is usually the husband’s mother! The butt of many jokes over the years and for good reason. I could talk for hours about my late MIL. The long and short of it is, don’t let ANYTHING get in the way of your family’s happiness and well being. Your children are the most important here, and they WILL notice friction, don’t delude yourselves you’re keeping everybody happy, it just doesn’t work. We finally turned our backs on difficult family at the age of 40, after 25 years of struggling. You sound really accommodating, and it won’t be appreciated. I recognise the type and she won’t change. One good thing came from it all though.... we learnt how NOT to behave with our adult children and later, spouses and children. Good luck?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think that your DH needs to step up and "manage" matters with his own mother. First and foremost you and DH need to be on the "same page" regarding MiL and how you want her to be involved with your family. Then (it seems to me) it's up to him to make this clear to his mum. Perhaps it's time for you and DH to have a serious talk and to come to a clear understanding with each other? Once you are managing this jointly, then I would like to think that things should be easier. Presenting a united front has to be better for you? (In your place, I would want him to be the driving force when it comes to dealing with MiL, telling her of any decisions regarding the children - and stressing that you have reached these together decisions together.)

It sounds as though she wants to have a relationship with them without you there. She's excluding you from her relationship with them. I would be very wary of this myself. This is only my perspective, but I would not want to play this game and would make it clear that you are all family together and you want her to be part of that. Its an important model for children to see you all as family together and enjoying getting on together (at least trying to!). It sounds as though she will only have a relationship with the children if she can exclude you (and therefore have some influence over them herself). I would keep making it clear, she is welcome as part of the family together, and as the children's grandparent, and help her to see the rewards of that (more affection and appreciation etc), but you are not going to be sidelined in her relationship with them. Your children will pick this up as they grow, they notice relationships, and will wonder why granny never wants you to be included. Don't allow her to exclude you. Welcome her, but on your terms. And don't allow her to undermine you as the children's parent (any jealousy around on her part?). Get your husband's support on this too. Be firm, but fair, together.

Some people just don't "do" dropping in. My own late mother was one of those. It doesnt mean that she didnt care any less, she had just never been comfortsble doing that with anyone - close family included. She had died before I had kids but I can imagine that she might have felt left out if mil had been more spontaneuos about calling round

I would agree with everyone above, I would never pop in to any of my children's houses without being invited, and you will find lots of moans on Mumsnet I am sure about grandparents doing just that. It is actually incredibly difficult being a MiL, it really is like walking on eggshells and tongue biting is practiced regularly! I wouldn't even pop into my daughter's without warning.

Might I suggest that you invite her over (is there a FiL, or have I missed that?) and give her a meal with the children, so she can fit into how you do things. Then at the end of the meal make a definite arrangement to see her again at a time of your choosing, and repeat as necessary? I know it is not the way you do things with your Mum, but I am sure you would both be happier knowing what was expected.

Some MiLs are difficult (I had one!) and it made me determined to try and do better with my own DiLs. But you have mastered the art of letting comments ride over you, so well done for that. Try to look for the positives - you asked her to babysit and she came and did so. She will have brought up her children the way we were advised to do at the time, which was lots of fresh air no matter what the weather. She will find it hard to accept the changes to current thoughts on child care. Perhaps you could quote a little bit from a current book and ask her what she thinks and how it is different from what she was advised to do.

Do ask her for advice (you don't have to take it if you disagree!) and get the communication onto a more friendly footing, please don't go over things she has said looking for other meanings.

I think the notion that she is proud of her grandchildren and wants to show them off is no bad thing. If you could hear what happens when grandparents get together, we bore each other rigid with tales of what our grandchildren have been up to!

As to taking them out on her own, once you have got into the routine of having her round regularly, ask your children if they would like to spend a day out with her, as others have said. If the answer from them is yes, then discuss together what she has in mind and what they would all like to do. Send them off with a cheery wave and listen to what sort of day they have had from all of them at the end of the day.

It is difficult for mothers of sons, it isoften true they will be as close to their grandchildren as mothers of daughters, just the way of the world. But with goodwill, the children will grow up having two sets of loving grandparents (three in some cases) and that can only be of huge benefit to them.

Good luck, I am sure you will get there!

I am a new Granny and now see my Grandaughter regularly, her first year was spent abroad and we didn’t get to see her other than Christmas. I would respect my son and DIL time together as a family and although I would call in if passing, I wouldn’t stay too long. I see nothing wrong with wanting to take the children out for the day, that’s a fun time for everybody. She may not be comfortable staying too long in your home.
One option would be to ask her to babysit while you go out for an hour or so! I hope you can compromise as life is short and looking back your problems may seen different in hindsight. Another option is a quiet chat about her views, but not easy I know. Good luck.

Is there any way, as MiL seems to not want to come to your house, that you could all go out for days as a family, MiL included?
I agree that as your parents, you will be closer to them and they are quite happy to pop in whenever, that is absolutely no problem! I guess that MiL is jealous of that, to some extent and as there seem to be some issues with her way of parenting as far as your DH is concerned, the way your family is with you and the way MiL will be bound to be different if not difficult and she may be trying to either over compensate or at the very least, make up for it.
Stick to your guns and only do what feels right for you and your DH. As your children get older, things may change and get better but only if your MiL's attitude changes as well !

You and DH need a united front on this to begin with. Let the children go and see what happens, if they don’t like it they will soon let you know about it for next time. The issue with so many times of letting things go and biting your tongue etc is that it enables that person to continue. It’s a form of controlling and manipulative behaviour. I’m not saying have a row with her all the time, but you do need to learn to be assertive so that she shows you some respect. Some people will argue over the time of day, but you don’t have to go down to their level, just state your opinions firmly. I have to say to my own mother “ I’m not having that conversation with you” or “that’s my decision not yours” etc and she now finally thinks twice before she rams her opinions down my throat.

Pudsy, As problems go this doesn't sound like a huge one!
Some families are casual some formal. We never 'drop in' on our daughters nor them on us. We have warm relationships with both but wait or ASK for an invitation even if just for a cup of tea. They are busy, sociable people. I hate to be caught in my dressing gown or in a muddle just as my Mother did before me. Maybe MIL is waiting to be asked and you are waiting for spontaneous visits.
If you invite MIL and she keeps refusing or doesn't turn up that's another matter. I'd judge more on whether she's good with them when she does see them.

I am another MIL who wouldn't drream of calling round without an invite and I already have a key to my DS and DIL's house because I do school collection but I still wouldn't visit unless asked. I suggest you actually start giving her a proper invite regularly and see how things go after that. It sounds to me as if she and you have had very different family lifestyles and it takes some movement for you to make connections. It's an awfully big step to move from not visiting unless invited to just dropping in and she's older so she needs some help to change.

It is very hard to get it right, my dil preferred people to be invited. I think its up to you and your hubby to set the rules.

Depends how old the children are and do they want to go out with her? Why not invite her specifically to come round from time to time so she can spend time with the children-play a board game/cards on a wet afternoon? Are you satisfied the children will be safe with her?

This situation rings a loud bell with me. She sounds very like my own (dear departed) mother. She wants things on her own terms and probably will never fit in with your (reasonable) expectations.

Maybe you could sometimes take the children to visit her and stay just for a short time? You could let her know when you'll be in the park, at sports day, having a picnic, feeding the ducks etc. and suggest that she meets you there for a catch up with the kids.

You could say that they get overtired from days out so you think an afternoon is enough. Try 'diluting' her influence by arranging get-togethers with wider family. Always consult your stepson's mother first about any arrangements.

Oh yes, I too had 'underlying issues from growing up' and had to protect my children from unsupervised contact with my mum - sad really.

Firstly, I am much closer to my (ex) daughter-in-law than her own mother is, so dont always make assumptions.
Secondly....and more importantly......you have a different way of operating. She likes to be invited.You like a more casual approach to visits. We are all different and you seem to be fixed on wanting things your way, as does she. Compromise is called for. And communication. Good luck.

I agree with Dolcelatte, I would never just call on anyone unannounced, even my own children, and would feel very uncomfortable doing so, even if I had your “open invitation”. We see all of our family at least once a week, and have a great realationship, but none of us pops by without at least a text a couple of hours in advance. I’d agree that if you want your MIL to see your children more often and build up a better relationship, you perhaps need to arrange convenient times with her. Good luck.

It sounds to me as though there is a bit of a communication problem.

First, with regard to dropping around unannounced, I wouldn't do it to my own daughters, never mind DIL.I would also hate anyone to call at my house without notice. Not because we don't love each other or aren't delighted to spend time together, but they might be in the middle of something, eating, watching a programme, have friends round, be about to go out, a deadline to meet, or - and this is high on the list - be stressed at the mess in the home.

Having read a lot of threads on Mumsnet, I think most DILs would be horrified at the idea of MILs turning up unannounced - the standard advice is to get the locks changed Your MIL would probably feel uncomfortable just dropping round. However, that problem is easily solved. You simply invite her round at a time to suit you.

Please can you clarify how old the children are - sorry if I've missed this - but I think this is vitally important to whether or not you would trust her to take them out for the day. How sensible are the children? Do they want to go? Would MIL have anyone else, such as FIL, with her or could you not all just go together? Assuming the chidden are school age, is there any reason not to trust her - is she a bad driver or an alcoholic or something?

I don't see anything wrong in her being a proud grandmother and wanting to 'show off' her DGC. I think it's quite sweet. Isn't that what GPs are for - to love them, spoil them, and hand them back?

It's quite natural for you to be much closer to your own family, but try to be kind, although I get that you find her annoying, and don't make her feel too left out.